I was wondering if it is a common thing for add male boyfriends to get the non-add girlfriend very confused? It is as if one min he loves me and the next he doesn't. Like he would say get over me than he would say i want you. Is it common for the add to go for three to five days without calling the girlfriend because he is busy? What is the deal. I don't have add/adhd but I know a little about it through my exceptional students class I took in college but they never tell you things like this that you really need to know even with dealing with add/adhd in school. Is he confused or really loves me and that is why he has come back several times? Should I go with his actions over his talk? How can I get past the symptoms and know what he is really talking about? He says we will get married eventually but he gets confused, when the relationship gets hard he want to bell. he resently had a death with his adopted dad--how does adders deal with that? He also seems to have a problem with the law that he doesn't want to tell me--how does he deal with that? I tell him he said this and he say no I didn't. What is up with that is that the territory? Does someone have anwers I really need them. I love him and want to stay with him forever.

Hmmm it occurs to me that ADDers are baffling to nonADDers in general, actually. Many of the questions you pose have been addressed in this forum at one time or another. Keep looking around and you will find your answers.

Crazy :cool:

I was wondering if you could just answer the questions I have a lot of stuff to do and wanted answers.

You would probably be better off getting a book from your local library then. Try Hallowell and Ratey's "Distraction" series.

Crazy :cool: (busy busy and posts go slowly on weekends)

I often refer to my husband as a walking contradiction!!! Well actually, he first came up with that description of himself all on his own! What he says and what he means are not the same. What he actually does is still different from what he says and means and it constantly changes from one minute to the next. The only thing I can rely on is to expect inconsistent answers!! The answer changes based on his mood and the time of day. It will take time and trial and error before you understand your ADHD partner better. He probably doesn't understand himself so he wouldn't be able to clarify for you. I would definately recommend the distraction series as mentioned above. The problem is that once you are awakened to understanding ADHD you may want to turn off your receiver and then will be too late. I wish sometimes I didn't actually know what he was thinking!!

Yes! I just went through this.

But you must admit, conversations are always interesting. I love the fact that every other question or comment tends to shoot the conversation into a totally unexpected and different direction. I sometimes feel like I'm actually having multiple conversations at the same time. Real challange for us non-adders to follow at times. Problems also come up when you do not realize the ADDer is off on another topic and you're still playing catch up.

My BF can flip-flop in a conversation about what he wants for dinner, but he's been pretty up-front about being committed to the relationship. Every relationship has bumps but "I love you - no I don't" is just immature, in my opinion.

Yes. My first ADD boyfriend never "flip flopped." Yes, it's just immaturity. He was 29, too. Not like 15...

I mean, my ex who "flip flopped" was 29. Not the first one.

I was wondering if it is a common thing for add male boyfriends to get the non-add girlfriend very confused? It is as if one min he loves me and the next he doesn't. Like he would say get over me than he would say i want you. Is it common for the add to go for three to five days without calling the girlfriend because he is busy? What is the deal. I don't have add/adhd but I know a little about it through my exceptional students class I took in college but they never tell you things like this that you really need to know even with dealing with add/adhd in school. Is he confused or really loves me and that is why he has come back several times? Should I go with his actions over his talk? How can I get past the symptoms and know what he is really talking about? He says we will get married eventually but he gets confused, when the relationship gets hard he want to bell. he resently had a death with his adopted dad--how does adders deal with that? He also seems to have a problem with the law that he doesn't want to tell me--how does he deal with that? I tell him he said this and he say no I didn't. What is up with that is that the territory? Does someone have anwers I really need them. I love him and want to stay with him forever.

I re-read this post again. That's so weird. That's what sort of happened to me.

My ex-boyfriend ran into me at the end of October and admitted that he still loved me. Then, at the end of December, he denied it ever happened. What's so weird is that he had a death in the family, his step grandfather, in between.

Weird...
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And my ex seemed to have something previously with the law too when he was in high school. When I dated him, he told me that he "ran around." I don't think that he did anything major, maybe graffiti or something.

In any case, I asked him if he had a criminal past, and he never gave me an answer.

I mean, my ex who "flip flopped" was 29. Not the first one.

To be a non AD/ADHD... Im ADHD ...I find relationships harder than giving birth!!!I'D rather have 1000 kids.Dont think its how he's feeling towards you,after all men are different too,nomatter what isses they have,...we all deal with things on a different level,then again Im more intuned with people with AD/ADHD at the worst of moments.My partner pulls his hair out being with me,but because """Im different"""we do have the communication flaw'''z

Thanks, Acceptance.

I keep telling myself that I did nothing to deserve what he did to me.

You post is below in quotation marks with point by point responses in bold:

"I was wondering if it is a common thing for add male boyfriends to get the non-add girlfriend very confused? "

Yes, it is common.

"It is as if one min he loves me and the next he doesn't. Like he would say get over me than he would say i want you. Is it common for the add to go for three to five days without calling the girlfriend because he is busy? What is the deal. "

The deal is that ADD'ers have a poor sense of time passage. To him it may seem that only a day has passed. He may not even think about how long it has been. When he thinks of you he probably doesn't think of anything that has happened between the time he last saw you and this time. It's almost like we are always continuing a conversation we started days before--but according to everyone else--that conversation is over and they're on to something different.

"I don't have add/adhd but I know a little about it through my exceptional students class I took in college but they never tell you things like this that you really need to know even with dealing with add/adhd in school. Is he confused or really loves me and that is why he has come back several times? Should I go with his actions over his talk? "

TOTALLY--YES! Go with actions! There are times when I say things just to blow off steam--other times I'll say something just to see how it sounds in reality. What I DO means much more than what I say...probably the same for him.

"How can I get past the symptoms and know what he is really talking about? "

is he on meds? Maybe the two of you should try counseling to get some clarity.

"He says we will get married eventually but he gets confused, when the relationship gets hard he want to bell. he resently had a death with his adopted dad--how does adders deal with that? He also seems to have a problem with the law that he doesn't want to tell me--how does he deal with that? I tell him he said this and he say no I didn't. What is up with that is that the territory? "

Again, take him on his actions. He must feel strongly for you--enough so that he wants to marry you. However, he also wants to get a grasp for how that would really be. If he is anything like me...there are days when I don't want to be married to myself...so I can't imagine why anyone would want to be married to me either...some days. Also, memory issues go with the territory.

"Does someone have anwers I really need them. I love him and want to stay with him forever."

There is a lot of baggage and shame that goes with having ADD for some people. Maybe he feels safer only letting you know little bits of him at once. If you knew everything you might get scared away. Even though the "everything" probably isn't all that bad...to an ADD'er...it's easy to only focus on the negative things experienced so in his mind the negative may SEEM to outweigh the positive...and then sometimes it's just the opposite.

One last point: if you want to spend "forever" with him then it will take a considerable amount of patience. There are days when I wonder why my wife loves our stupid dog unconditionally--and he is a whacked out hyperactive 5 year old pure bred dog that eats his own poop--and everyday she treats him like he has never done anything but great things.

Point being: treat him like my wife treats our dog. Every day is a new day with him. It doesn't matter to her what he's done she still gets joy from being around him and treats him like it's the first day she got him.


Boy that was fun! I just realized the original post was from 8/06. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was bored anyway...so maybe this post will help someone else. :confused:

Dear Fighting Bordom,
Just to let you know your post did help someone else. I wrote in another forum yesterday and was kind of told that ADDers do not flip flop on when they Love somone and that my partner is just a cad who comes back when he is bored.

I recently read the book ADD and Romance and it indeed talks about this phenomenon (sp). I really appreciate you saying to trust action. It hurts so much to have your partner say they don't feel the same about you and then two weeks later they do then 3 months later they don't then 3 weeks later they do.

Jen 38-

Exactly what happened with me!

Broke my heart... Still on the mend...

I just want to make a point that although ADDers can be hurtful, there are a lot who are respectful.

My ex-ex-boyfriend, although he had ADD, was always consistent with his feelings, and he didn't waver.

Even though I know that the wavering can be related to ADD, it isn't necessarily so. I have had lots of people in my life with ADD (no I don't have it. I am very organized, so I think that I attract them. Plus, they can see that I'm a good person, etc. etc.) who have been pretty consistent with their feelings.

I had a similar post a while ago about non adders ending up in situations with adders. I'm sure there is a personality type that just seems to click in these relationships and once you look at it you find they've been there your whole life. You know, matched in school with the ADD kids for projects, then working on teams with them at work and falling into relationships at home...


Probably happens more than anybody currently realizes..

My boyfriend and I both have ADD I am medicated he is not. He is an Ironworker which slows him down a bit. My job requires a lot out of me too so both of us have to have structure. And we both have sole custody of our children which means even more structure. However we have similar problems as you mentioned above. 5 days a week it is always about the kids and I and our week goes by well them the weekend comes and with it comes his impulsiveness.

<O:p

We do not live together even though it would be a lot easier on both of us because we help each other a lot during the week. I refuse to move in with him because he does the same thing where he does not talk to me for days because he is off doing whatever he does. Also I refuse to give up even more of myself because I know that he will think that just because I am there I will watch his son (please note that I love his son very much…). He goes though periods where he is so in love with me then it is like he just stops loving me and I feel like someone just dropped me off a cliff. We argue about this often and he is fully aware of his actions because his family loves me and throws it in his face. He wants to marry me one minute then the next minute I will not hear anything about our relationship moving forward for months. I realize that some of this is due to my stubbornness and because I tell him that if he wants to marry me then he has to change…not just for a month either…long term. Also I have told him that I am not going to get married to someone just for the thrill factor of it. <O:p

<O:p

I think you need to be straightforward with him (I know easier said then done). If I did not enjoy being with my boyfriend so much (which I do because we have a good relationship…partly because we were friends for years before we started dating and I understand his ways). I would probably break up with him just because of the inconstancies. But I am not ready either to move forward in our relationship as far as moving in together or marriage. Only time will tell for us but for you it is better that you nip this right away before to many emotions get involved.

however even though he does have times where he does not tell me he loves me I know that he does...It just feel weird because he puts me on a pedestal...and when he just stops because he is sidetracked...it can be confusing. <O:p</O:p

<O:p

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