View Full Version : I hate being alive


Jett
08-13-06, 05:42 PM
Today is one of those days I just wish I were dead. I am so sick and tired of being alone and nobody cares to get to know me. It is like I have many good qualities and a lot of love to give but nobody to give it to.Their are people at my church who know I am lonely but nobody offers to come visit me.

I am sick and tired of my ADHD and the bipolar. I hate having to rely on SSI and having my mom as my payee. I am 31 years old and I don't have a job, any friends, or a life. I get sick and tired of people, especially my mom who doesn't understand me. I keep telling her that I have mental problems and just be more patient with me. She often says things to hurt my feelings and she knows it hurts my feelings but she does it anyways.

I hear stuff like:

1. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

2." Do I have to write it down?"

3. "You just said that!!!" or "we just talked about that" or" I don't want to talk about it all day"

4. "You're driving me nuts "

5. "Weren't you listening"

She also says I talk too much ( yea, I do) and that I am lazy and so on.

My mom gets on me for every little thing sometimes and just finds fault.

I tap my feet or drum my hands across the table, I get yelled at for "bugging" her when all I am doing is fidgeting and am not even aware I'm doing it unless she tells me.

I do other ADD'ish things that bother her... sometimes I tune out. She can tell me to do something and I won't hear her. Then she'll get mad at me and yell at me for not paying attention. My mom and dad complain all the time about not paying attention.

A lot of this is stuff I can't help!! I hate being like this.

Most of you are lucky you can take medicine for your ADHD.. well I can't take them because they make me manic. Strattera, a non stimulant, causes mood swings. Great,.. I am going to have to live as an ADD'er all my life. I hate it that I have mental illness and don't have a normal life.

I am not suicidal but the idea of going to bed and not waking up sounds pretty tempting. I hate being alive.

Honda Shadow
08-13-06, 08:20 PM
It seems by you're writing that you are an inteligent person. I am new to this site and when I read your note I felt sad for you and understood how you must feel. I know you can be with a group of people and still feel lonely. I guess that's why when everyone in my household is doing or sleeping I find myself going to the forum. I am not good at the computer. Infact, this is my first real attempt at being on. I joined the first of August. I am a Mom of a 32 year old son. He's been going through some tough times and moved back home several months ago. Your mom is being a mom. I am speaking for myself, when a mom can't fix the things that are going wrong in her child's life she gets upset. We want to fix all the hurts. It's frustrating when we can't. Maybe a support group in your area would help. It's easier to speak with others that are going through similar circumstances.

Faylen
08-13-06, 08:49 PM
That's terrible. I know that for me, growing up with parents who were more critical than supportive was a terrible burden, and I do my best not to do the same with my own (who fortunately escaped ADD). Do you live anywhere near a hospital that has group sessions for ADD? A library that has book clubs or any other group meeting that would interest you? Getting out of the house and away from the criticism that hurts you might be the first step to getting into a much more positive, socially enriching situation. You've probably been hearing these unpleasant things about yourself long enough that you believe them, and that's not good. We are all people of value, and we all deserve to be happy, remind yourself of that as you look into other possibilities for social interaction. Keep reaching out, and eventually you'll find someone, several someones, who lift you up rather than bring you down.

milkpeach2003
08-14-06, 07:53 AM
I also can't on ADHD medications...because they are too expensive that I can't afford...I am now on Prozac only....Yeah, life seems difficult for us...as we are different from the majority of people, we're disabled somehow...no way out...We need to be brave and live....but really not easy...

Faylen
08-14-06, 08:38 PM
Don't even think that, milkpeach! I know you were having these thoughts in another thread, but really - you are a worthwhile human being. We all are. And life may give us some rough times, but if we wait it out and try to see the good, it's worth it in the end. It's never worth it to kill yourself, that way you never get to see the happy ending of your story.

Master Rat
08-15-06, 12:29 AM
I hope i do not sound too ignorant, I am just trying to understand the condition you live with. Why does your doctor think it is better to live a depressed life than a manic one?
Can mania be moderated or controled with drugs, or does a person loose complete control of themself in a manic eppisode?

Thanks in advance for replying,

Tom

dormammau2008
08-15-06, 05:27 PM
depoining on the kind depoina an deping on life an the way you are there alot facters.... yrh drugs can help an again docs give there advic basics on few things they wont allways get it right a good family an freinds are impornted to help were they can are as good fresinds theess no set time for a manic eppisod so far know dorm

ClarityWhere
08-16-06, 06:06 AM
Hi Jett,

check out this post by bcaddkid (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=207723&postcount=49).
Keep an eye out for posters like this who are encouraging and proactive. That's what you need right now.

nobody offers to come visit me.

For a lot of people, offering to come and visit someone would be an intrusion into your privacy, so even if they think it might help you, they're not going to offer.

So: how about inviting someone to come over for tea?
Being involved in a church is a real resource. You can volunteer to do yard work for an afternoon, for an older person, for example. This gets you out of the house, physically active, and a bit of social contact without pressure.


I don't have a job, any friends, or a life.

Well, you're painting this as pretty black-and-white, all-or-nothing. Try this: imagine a spectrum for each of these areas, 0 to 100. Actually, try putting it on paper or on the computer, and write in at every 10-mark how what that looks like. What's 0% job, what's 50%, what's 100%? You have to be a little creative, b/c 50% job doesn't mean a half-time job. And maybe now you're actually at 5%, if you're doing something that contributes to the household. Volunteering for someone in church one afternoon a week might bring you up to 15%, even if you're not paid. The point is to see where you already have something at non-zero, and how and where you can increase that. No one goes from "no life" into "having a life" just like that. Even when it looks like it, they've been working up to it in ways you don't see.

It'll help a LOT if you can get yourself to make 1% changes, improvements. Life ain't easy, and you can't wait for it to become fun before you start moving.

my mom who doesn't understand me.

I can only echo the others here: see what it takes to move out.

And in the meantime, try to give your mum some credit. I know that her outbursts hurt your feelings, but it sounds like she's at her limit.


A lot of this is stuff I can't help!! I hate being like this.

Okay. Start with beginning to change what you can, and taking responsibility rather than making excuses. She complains that you're lazy? Ask her to sit down with you and make a list of what you can do differently, of what she needs from you as a member of the household.


Great,.. I am going to have to live as an ADD'er all my life.

Probably. But there are LOTS of non-med alternatives. Are you exercising 3-5 times a week? How's your nutrition? There are plenty of alternatives, and lots of support around here for people who can't or choose not to use meds.


Listen, I don't want to sound so harsh. I feel rotten much of the time. And the only thing that REALLY helps is taking action.

Grade A
10-23-06, 03:26 PM
I think you shouldn't feel bad about your ADD and bi-polar, you didn't choose to be born with it. Don't be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you have other people that are making you feel bad enough, which is probably just making everything worse.

Hang in there.

andecala
10-23-06, 04:44 PM
"It'll help a LOT if you can get yourself to make 1% changes, improvements. Life ain't easy, and you can't wait for it to become fun before you start moving."

Can you call my house every morning at 6:00am and say this to me?!?!?!?!?
:) :o :D ;) :cool:

ROOK
01-11-07, 08:58 PM
Sounds like your mom needs to be on the Wellbutrin....:D

oddjobace
02-22-07, 10:25 PM
I've learned that sometimes we have to educate the people in our lives. they do not know how to work with us and how to relate.

It's sort've like trying to have a important conversation with someone who speaks another language. Very frustrating. Your mom is probably not happy about not being able to speak your language. Her very own son.

Use coping methods that you've learned that work for you. Have her write up lists for you to follow. And thank her when she does. Encourage the coping styles you need in other people. Key word "encourage".

My boss once said to me while I was in the midst of a project "My God, look at the mess you've made!" I just said, with a big smile, "You see, I'm sort've like a great chef. I never let neatness get in the way of a great meal, chefs always have messy kitchens". He smiled oddly, and walked away.

You were created the way you are for a reason. The gifts will soon come out if you seek and search. I hope you will someday forgive your mom and yourself for your shortcomings.

Play your trump card.

piglet
03-11-07, 05:02 PM
I can relate; I wasn't in quite that dark a place, but getting nearer to it. I had no mental reserves, couldn't process things anymore. Just, mentally, emotionallyand physically spent, and gritting my teeth and slogging on. And doingto my family exactly what you're complaining of, making them feel bad for telling me things over and over, because they were taking more of my brain than I oculd spare and I was crashing.

Haveyou tried hypnosis? Or NLP, to be more precise. It has helped me. That, and the Adderall, and I feel like I have more energy, more time and then the tools to put into place to handle the people around me in ways that work better for us all. Oh, and a few years back, I just completely BLEW and let 'em hve it, for being so critical and unappreciative of me, and expecting things that I just wasn't able to give. Standing my ground made a big difference. I highly recommend it. Of course, some people won't rise to the occasion and change their ways, they'll bail on you; I was so desperate I was ready to walk away from the marriage, in order to not feel like I was dying inside, not being really seen. And thank God, the desperate gamble worked, and we got through it together. We've both changed and it's for the better. But the NLP gave me some tools to redict my behavior, and the Adderall has given me a little more time between the impulse and acting on it, so I can question myself.

movingshadow
08-04-07, 03:33 AM
Me to.

Crazygirl79
08-04-07, 05:34 AM
Just hang in there....I often feel like this too but it's not my "differences" that make me feel so bad...it's the way society treats us!

Also if your mother is so nasty and difficult...is there anyone else you can nominate as your payee?

Selena

ilangocal
08-04-07, 06:13 PM
Hi
I am a confirmed ADDer and I live not very far from you - Troy, Michigan. So you know that there are people like you -especially I - suffering everyday. I can understand everything you wrote. I felt the pain every day of my life. I got hounded and harassed by people at work just a few months ago.Now I do not have a visa to start working again. But I dread to go to work again. Here I am, a poor ex-student with loads of responsibilities, and old debts to repay. No, I am not complaining. I paid of nearly 11000 dollars in credit card debt in 7 months. I soldiered on, hearing people abuse me and bully me just because I suffered from all the symptoms of ADD that no one understood. They never cared. A few individuals cared. Because of them, I did not lose my job. Well, that is my story for now.

I have tried a "herbal" medication called ATTEND. I am not sure it worked.But I feel it is worth a try. I simply cannot afford Strattera.

Well, I have adopted lifestyle changes. I have given up simple sugars. I now walk 4 miles every day. I am not sure if my life has changed for the better.

But I keep trying. I am 37 years old, and under enormous stresses. I had to go off any medications including Lexapro.

I have been told that I am
1) lazy
2) useless
3) constantly repeats mistakes
4) is not dependable
5)not responsible

Now, I do realize that it is only upto me to take action, if I want me to be a better me. I do not know if there will ever be a better me. But I have tried very hard to be better. I now study everyday and try to exercise as much as I can.

I am a person who understand what my responsibilities are and I realize that people say that I complain and give excuses. I resolved that I will accept and take action. I vowed to myself that I will never make excuses or complaints. I know that if you do not stand up for yourself you stand to lose. This is what happened when I worked. On most occasions, I took abuse and harassment (well, the guy was tired of my mistakes and I think he was tired of it and hence he went after me. Can't blame the guy!!), but the abuse affected my well-being a lot. And nothing happened. The manager simply refused to take any action against the abuser because he was the golden boy out there. Well...

The lesson for me is that, whether you are an ADDer or not, the world does not care a lot. Take action from the ground and even it takes years, we ADDers could find a place under the sun.

For several years, I thought I will never have a job. Then when I had a job, I knew I would never be able to go on. But life goes on. I soldier on and persevere.

It is very hard out there, but we got to do what we can.

Shamen
11-08-07, 06:09 PM
I've learned that sometimes we have to educate the people in our lives. they do not know how to work with us and how to relate.

You were created the way you are for a reason. The gifts will soon come out if you seek and search. I hope you will someday forgive your mom and yourself for your shortcomings.


I agree 100%

For the first point, both myself and one of my best friends have ADHD. We have kinda made it a mission to educate people on ADHD and try to keep the focus being positive. Our social circle has been very supportive and has made it very clear they love us for who we are. We both have a huge interest in music and EDM music production, this chance to let our creativity run wild and have fun and the oppertunity to discuss ADHD issues in a positive light have helped me immensely.
In addition, I try to work out EVERY day. If I miss a day my attitude plummets and I know it. Physical fitness is important from improving positive self image to it's stimulent effect on the body which last several hours. For me the only motivation problem with it now is the first few minutes, after that it becomes the only time I feel that I really can focus. It's like therapy, at first a chore, now an addition ( at least a good one so far ). I lift weights at home now ( hated the gym, everything about it people, noise, etc. + could never get motivated to drive there ) and always crank the sickest, most driving DJ sets or metal I can come up with for motivation.

On the gifted point, haha 2 ADHDr's as music producers. Am I suprised, not really, especially after realizing that ALOT of musicians including John Lennon are known to have ADHD. What I am suprised by is that after my friend talked me into it, I've been coming up with more stuff than there is anytime to actually put together. I currently work as a Landscape Architect which goes back to creativity again. I have worked in other professions, one was a factory job - it felt like an intolorable prison sentence for 8 hours a day. I agree with everyone above - boredom and ADHD certainly don't mix well.

I suspect on this forum that there are a number of people that are extremely well read on ADHD related topics. That in addition to the fact that ADD'rs generally have better intuition than most people ( sometimes it needs to be developed a bit ) I think psychology is a great profession for alot of us. Lately I've been thinking of leaving Landscape design as a profession and going into psychotherapy related fields and specialize in people with ADD/ADHD.

One more thing, I myself have suffered alot of depression in the past. I still have some very big problems in my life, mostly centered around work but at least I can say life does get better. It is a constant battle but it is one that can be won.

Shamen
11-08-07, 06:15 PM
Maybe a support group in your area would help. It's easier to speak with others that are going through similar circumstances.
I certainly agree. CHADD does not have a support group in my country, however I know a good number of communities have local groups that meet regularily. For me at this point, my life is improving but I hope I can help other people not go through the same. Still, I am always open to hearing peoples experiences and take advantage of any ideas that might help.

Shamen
11-08-07, 06:30 PM
She often says things to hurt my feelings and she knows it hurts my feelings but she does it anyways.

I hear stuff like:

1. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

2." Do I have to write it down?"

3. "You just said that!!!" or "we just talked about that" or" I don't want to talk about it all day"

4. "You're driving me nuts "

5. "Weren't you listening"

She also says I talk too much ( yea, I do) and that I am lazy and so on.

My mom gets on me for every little thing sometimes and just finds fault.

I tap my feet or drum my hands across the table, I get yelled at for "bugging" her when all I am doing is fidgeting and am not even aware I'm doing it unless she tells me.

I do other ADD'ish things that bother her... sometimes I tune out. She can tell me to do something and I won't hear her. Then she'll get mad at me and yell at me for not paying attention. My mom and dad complain all the time about not paying attention.

.I know it is difficult since you as in most of us here are more sensitive than most people, but everything I read above is obvious verbally abusive behaviour. If your mom wasn't giving you hell for this, it would be something else. I really don't think your driving your mom nuts, she already has her own issues going on if she feels the need to belittle you. Whether you are there or not, it doesn't sound like she's a very happy person.

Tyboulder
11-10-07, 03:14 AM
I'd just like to echo ClarityWhere's advice. Very well put. I'm very often stuck in a black and white mode of thinking, and it usually leaves me on the black side... To look at things in an incremental fashion is incredibly important.