View Full Version : ADD, AD/HD, and suicidal thoughts..


REDDY
08-14-06, 12:09 PM
Hi, I am new here and have read alot of threads and posts, but havent noticed any relating to deep depression and/or suicidal thoughts.

I am undiagnosed but my cousin has AD/HD and recently his Mum, my aunt has been diagnosed with AD/HD. She phoned me up and told me about this medical term, lent me a book about women with ADD - AD/HD and after reading so many books, sites etc etc, I really think I suffer from AD/HD and NOT depression.

I have been *depressed* for 17 years or so, most recently been diagnosed as BPD (my doc and psychiatrist believe AD/HD is for kids, and they grow out of it.. and adult AD/HD is an american fad.. just like my doctor told me) and been on prozac and other meds throughout these years. But I am NOT depressed. I think maybe I am not depressed cos I am taking the meds, but its more frustration and all the symptoms of ADD and AD/HD seem to fit so well into what I do or how I act in life.

I have seen counsellors, pschologists, psychiatrists, had all kinds of different therapy and there has never been any event so bad or tragic in my life that I could put my finger on, and then discuss and work at this problem.

I feel bad. I feel cr*p. I always strive to do better. People love me, but I know I should love me too, but I get so frustrated, thinking there MUST be something wrong with me, and so What is it? This gets me down. Depressed etc etc

I also give too much love.. I have been hurt so badly in the past, and a couple years ago this lead to an attempt of suicide. I dont often have suicidal thoughts, but I have had them. I put them to the back of my mind. Its hard. But although I am successful in my career (or was - another story) I have never been successful in love.

I also feel people I meet, friends, I am not good enough for so tend to back away from them. I think I have such a low self esteem, but if you were to know me, without hearing about any problems I have, just me, having fun, you would think I was the happiest luckiest bunny about.

I can be fun, glam, a wild card, eccentric, happy, considerate, caring and loving..

So how can people see this, but still I cannot accept it, cos there is something niggling at the back of my mind that *I am just not like others*

Really now, I have a non existant social life, unless of course there is a big meet up party.. so I will go once or twice a year - thats it.

I am 35, single, no kids, never been married, and where I am feeling so helpless and desperate, instead of actually doing something about it, I am hiding myself away more and more.. hiding from soceity really.
This makes me depressed, and then I think I am no good for anyone, cos my clumsiness, messiness, the stupid things I say, even though my family may laugh cos they think its funny, makes me feel stupid, immature and no good for anyone or to anyone.
Then I think it would be easier if I wasnt here - to stop living/existing. Cos I am a laugh with friends, but no one truly wants me, or wants to be with me, so whats the point? :confused:

Oh and another thing, have any of you had suicidal thoughts brought on cos of the frustrations of ADD, AD/HD?

Sorry its so long.. :eek:

melv
08-14-06, 12:35 PM
hello and yes. i dont have too much constructive to share but somedays there is little traffic and i think you needed response.

i used to feel like there was no point sometimes ... until i had a baby at 19 and then my thinking switched to being completely worried about death. if something happened to me, no one would love my kids like i do or raise them the way i want them raised. i wonder if it would be helpful to remember, that suicide is punishing your survivors. you mention family, and they would miss you more than you could ever imagine, and you wouldn't even know it. life is hard. but really, you only get 1 shot so ... hey it's all you got get out of it what you can.

i dont know what else to say but i really hope you are alright. if you really get desperate ... im sure there are resources in the uk as a last resort (like hospitalization). don't be afraid to use them. sometimes just having someone to talk to, in person, can go a lot further than typing on a screen.

REDDY
08-14-06, 12:54 PM
Thanks for posting melv..

I hate it when you get no replies to a thread lol
I am not feeling suicidal, but thanks for the concern, there are no worries there, but yes I have had them, I will admit.
And yes I know my family would be totally upset, and I understand when ppl say you would be punishing the ones who love you, but that brings intense guilt to me, and if I look at it on the other side, is I am being punished or feel like I am, cos of all these sad feelings I get, so sometimes it feels the best way out.

I just hope, I can get a second opinion and see if I do have ADD or AD/HD so I can work towards a brighter future than moping about wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why I feel like I do..

;)

Master Rat
08-14-06, 04:50 PM
It's hard to feel happy when you can tell your under performing and you can not tell why.

I was not depressed all the time when i was un-medicated, but i hit some pretty heavy lows at times. Unfortunately suicide is a non-touchable subject for many people so I would not expect a lot of responses. My personal feelings on the subject is suicidal thoughts from time to time in a persons life is normal, however acting on the thoughts is not normal.

So yes I did have these thoughts all my life and they were a real drag.
The medication helped me by allowing me to perform as good or better than anyone and I can perform more consistantly. It also stablized my moods and i rarely if ever feel low now or adgetated like i want to snap. While the medication is not a magic bullet, it does give me hope and allow me to be who I want to be. It does require a lot of patience to find a doctor and drug that work properly at the correct doses.

If you want to hang out with people, join a club whose topic your good at. People that are good at something, other people want to be good at; rarely have to perfectly fit in to be accepted, tollerated and possibly well liked.
Plus get the Audio program by Dale Carnegie "How to Win Freinds and Influence People". It will help you see things from another perspective.

Find a way to believe in yourself and try to do well in everything you do.
Sooner or later things will happen for you.

You might want to look into getting a new Doc, nothing is worse than going to a know-it-all with the power of GOD complex. Doctors need to listen to their patients to be completely affective and patients need to be able to trust their doctors to help them find an acceptable solution.

Never stop researching your cure, no one cares more about it than you do.

Best Wishes,

Tom

speedo
08-14-06, 07:10 PM
I am lucky, I guess. I do not get depressed. I get hyper, donwright manic. I have high anxiety sometimes, and I tend to have mintor problems with ocd from time to time.

My mother and my daughter were diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and my son has adhd for sure, and is probably bipolar, but nobody can convince him to get to a doctor.

For those reasons my doctors first thought that I could have bipolar disorder, but it turns out that I definitely do not have bipolar disorder....mostly because I have never had a major depressive episode. I think that if I had ever had a depressive episode that I could nototherwise account for, I would have been rightly labeled as having bipolar disorder.

I think doctors tend to do that because it is safer (for the patient) to treat for bipolar early on
rahter than run the risk of misdignosing bipolar disorder for adhd and causing the patient considerable misery by placing him/her on the wrong medication....

Your doctor is quite mistaken. ADHD DOES occur in adults and there is a large number of adults who have been misdiagnosed and undiagnosed because of the medical professions myopic use of an excessively rigid diagnostic classification schema. The situation is improving and most doctors are at least aware that adults can and do have adhd.

Whatever you do DO NOT rule out bipolar disorder at this early stage of your diagnosis. Bipolar disorder is a serious illness and if it is untreated it can uravel your entire life.

I do think that you might wish to consider finding a doctor who is better versed in these disorders than the one you presently have. it is your choice, but there are some good doctors out there if you trake the time to find them.

Early on, I had the misfortune of having a doctror who felt that a formal diagnosis was not inmportant, and he was also bent on diagnosing me for bipolar disorder by trying different medications. Eventually I decided oto get a neuropsychological evaluation and a formal diagnosis so that I could haver some objective information about my condition. I also shifted from being treated by a general practitioner, to a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD.

To my surprise, things have gotten better, now that my condition is better understood, thanks to my doctor.

ME :D

Faylen
08-14-06, 08:12 PM
Meh. I don't know where these doctors get some of their ideas. ADD is not a childhood "disease". They're willing to give you drugs for your mood, but don't accept the idea that there might be something else going on? Sounds like it's time for new doctors.

I was on meds for depression for quite some time, almost 9 years, before I realized that the problem was the doctor and psychotherapist "helping" me to "overcome" my ADD. Once I got off the meds and realized that this is who I am, stopped trying to be like everyone else, the depression got way better. Any suicidal thoughts I ever had in the past came from my feelings of inadequacy, and as long as you measure yourself against people who can sit still and concentrate and get things done that need to be done without notes and reminders and false starts, you're going to feel inadequate. You're not a failure, you're just you. And you know what - you say people love you, and they're not doing it to humor you. You're lovable, obviously, and for good reasons. Chew on that, and forget about what the doctors are saying. Find docs who are interested in teaching you how to be your happiest self, instead of ones who are looking for the right little pharmacological niche.

roly poly
08-14-06, 11:28 PM
I actually stood on a closed bridge over a mostly frozen river thinking that this was the best route for me. I didn't know anything about adhd at the time. I did change my mind(:eyebrow: obviously, I'm still ticking). All I know is that I've gone through many changes in my life, and suicidal is not in my current frame of mind:) .

ClarityWhere
08-15-06, 04:49 AM
Hi Reddy,
personal opinion: BPD is being way over-dx'd these days. I don't know if that's the right way to give people hope! You'll find your way - and do try to find a new doctor!

Honda Shadow
08-15-06, 07:14 AM
Reedy! It looks like your post got through. Alot responses. When reading about you I saw myself. I am 58 and until a few years ago I had no idea what has been going on in my life and why I always felt different and had to go about certain methods in order to come up with the right solution, where as others seemed to have it easier.


My personality seems to a lot like yours. Everybody loves me. What you see outward is not what's on the inside. I've been a good actress. Not that much into atrisolgical signs. Are you gemini, or tarus?

I totally agree about finding the right Dr for you. That's hard. Those that do not believe we have Add can't respond to us because they don't understanding because there are so many variables to our personality traits.

I'm not really high on Dr but you need them for your meds. My Dr finally is listening to me. Things I have read tells us to go to Dr with knowledge and questions written down since you have to talk fast because they can only spend 15 min with you at max. They're really afraid of things that are out of their relam.

Sorry I am rambling. Just wanted to let you know, me being a newbie as well that I saw your post.