I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I've been with my husband (the one with ADD) since 1979. Until about a year ago I didn't know he had ADD or what it really was. Of course when I started reading about it, I was kind of relieved that there was a name for what he had and an explanation. However, I still feel very angry, frustrated and resentful most of the time and I don't know how to stop. I know it's not his fault but it doesn't seem to help me or the kids, (my son in particular) in dealing with our feeling. I also have that helpless feeling with regard to not being able to really DO something to help my husband. I've been reading and sharing things with him, because unfortunately he has a reading disability also, so he of course doesn't like to read and doesn't know how to use a computer yet. I know he's supposed to go see a psychiatrist, a coach, a support group, etc... but because of some poor decisions he's made, impulsive spending, and other messes, we cannot afford these things. maybe the support group if we find one close enough. I try to help with scheduling, reminders and all that but ultimately he has to be the one to do things and you know how that goes. I am stressed for him and for myself. I am also depressed because i have been living in a junk yard. i cannot entertain, enjoy my own home, and forget inviting any family over. It's humiliating. I am not a neat freak but this is beyond words. i really don't know what to do anymore. i used to be happy, friendly, get excited about things. now i feel hopeless, scared about the future, i am very introverted and have forgotten how to look forward or be excited about something knowing the rug will be ripped out from under me. I guess i just need to vent. (this is my first time writing.) My life seems to be on hold right now. We have no money so i can't buy anything, do anything or go anywhere and being at home stresses me out looking at all the junk and things that are falling apart and unfinished projects everywhere. I know my husband feels the same way. He says that's why he's never home. Oh yeah, forgot to mention I am alone a lot which is also very depressing. Any tips or advise regarding help for my husband or myself/family i would welcome.

I'm so sorry about your situation. You obviously feel very alone and that's an awful feeling (especially when you're alone with your anger and lots of bad feelings). You have to start someplace, to do something positive. I was thinking of some things that are free. Go to the library and get all the Dr. Hallowell books and ask your husband to read them -- maybe together. My husband tried the CHADD group in our city, but finally went to one organized by meetup.com -- he's found some compatible friends and it doesn't cost anything. He even met a psychologist who has ADD in one of the groups and the guy is going to see him privately on a sliding scale fee.

I can't stand it when the house is a wreck; somehow that gets reflected in my mood. Could you clear out one place, say the living room, and tell your husband it's off limits? What about giving him a time limit to collect his projects and tell him if he doesn't, you'll sell them on Craig's List?

Thank goodness you have a computer and you ought to be able to connect with groups, good advice, people with similar problems. Also, you may find things that have nothing to do with ADD that will help improve your spirits. If you can get out, go to a meditation group, an exercise group, a book group, etc. anything to help you not focus on what he's not doing. Some churches provide free counseling.

Do you have anywhere you can go (relative, friend) just to get away from everything for a while? I think there are some good threads going on right now in the non-ADD forum -- about how to not "mother" your spouse but to let them take responsibility. Do any of those things make sense to you?

Hiya, alongfortheride.

That post, word for word, could very well have come out from my wife's mouth (fingers?). Since 1979 you say? "Wow" I say. My wife could stand being near me for a mere 4 years until she snapped. I think with your patience, tolerance and willingness to help, you have a pretty good chance that things will turn out OK.

Now, I don't know how you'd feel about taking advice from a male who has ADD and who is much younger ("inexperienced"? "childish"? "immature"?) than yourself, but if you'd consider me as an "agent from the inside", you could at least think about what I have to say.

First, remember that you are the keystone in this. This does not mean you have to carry most/all of the burden. I mean that he needs your help in overcoming this and probably would be lost without it.

I also mean that you should never lose your "self" while trying to help OR tolerate him. Never suppress your needs or desires on account of his ADD. I'm not suggesting you do what you want behind his back. You should make your needs KNOWN to him (can turn out to be easier said than done) and get him to contribute to them. Never lose your personality to his ADD -- reclaim the "happy, friendly, excited" you that you have hidden (I don't believe you lost it - just hidden) so far. Much of your resentment and anger is stemming from this.

Here's some inside info:

Without knowing the history I'm of course shooting in the dark, but, there is a good chance that he is not fully aware of how serious the situation is. We are (or so I'm told) notorious for this : we do not recognize a crisis until it smashes us in the face. Several times.

Also, there is a good chance that he's not aware of all that you feel, think or need. This one is another of our features - we cannot read allusions, expressions or untold truths very well. If he's the literal-minded kind like myself, he probably needs what's in your mind to be spelled-out. Slowly.

My advice:

Tell him everything in your mind plainly and openly. Your wants and your frustrations. Especially your frustrations. Leave nothing untold. Pull no punches. Bonus: if he's the inattentive type, his bruises will heal faster than you can believe.

If he's surprised by some of what he hears, you should stay calm and professional. He honestly does not know any better and/or he simply cannot see some things until they sting him in the eye. Stop accumulating more anger - much of this anger would (surprise) be directed against yourself anyway and they could backfire on both of you.

Put up plans, schedules and systems TOGETHER. A home budget system seems like a good starting point. Make following through the plans his responsibility. You'll need to lightly supervise him only until he forms habits around these plans.

Do not do his work for him. His responsibilities should remain his and his alone. He just needs to be reminded, nudged and encouraged. Try not to feel like his mother while doing this, though - it would hurt both of you. Talk to him about the situation until he himself asks you to be nudged.

And again, do not cancel, postpone or suppress anything that is or comes from you. Someone once said that ADD of one member is suffered by the whole family. Try not to be a captive of his ADD.

Well, apparently my brain clicked off for the night, and for the better too. My post is already unreadably long. Later, I can try to sneak you a few more espionage reports if they come to mind AND if you don't mind receiving them. :)

Best wishes.

hello alongofor ride an wellcome to the forums so what in your mind has changed then would you have said this if you doint know he had add???? or have you reach a point ...no returetnt maybe couling might help??? dorm good luck

Welcome, alongfortheride!

Do you think books on tape might be something for your husband?

I think alagirl's idea of making a place in your house yours and a no-go-area for clutter is a good one.

You could also agree to asign one area to him and in that room he can have as much clutter as he likes, but it's not to spread all over the house.

It seems like the house is overwhelming to your husband as well. When, or if, you talk about how to get the house in order do you ever get the feeling that he feels culeless on how to go about with it, or does he ever tell you that's how he feels?
I'm just wondering if not knowing what to do might be a reason why he's not home much.

However you could still do things together even if you're not at home, like taking a cup of coffee at a coffeehouse.

Are your husband taking any meds? I understand that there are some doctors who use sliding paying scales.