In the anxiety world "non functioning" is generally used as a term for people who get SSI/have alternative ways of living (ie with family members), its not meant as an insult or anything of that sort.

Im about as severe of a case of inattentive ADD as my doctor and shrink have ever heard of. The few inattentives i've seen on here have seemed more like regular people who go to day jobs and have lives of some sort. I am not one of these people im non-functional to the point that its completely ruined my life.

I have no idea where to even start to explain how this all came about, its hard to compact 26 years into a paragraph. Lets just say in middle/high school i barely passed a class once a year and yet some how i still managed to fall through the cracks and no one even really bothered to ever inquire about me because while i was totally lazy and did nothing and had no motivation for doing anything i still presented myself intelligently. Maybe they just thought it was a bizzare act of rebellion?

Time wore on and still i did nothing, i wasted a large segment of my life on distractions like video games, drugs, alcohol, writing crappy music. Anything that i could find mentally stimulating/destroying that i could hyperfocus on. This all sort of came to a boil one day and i just sort of decided i wasnt going to leave my house anymore, it was that or kill myself and im just not capable of that.

So there i sat for two years, leaving my house only to buy food/booze every couple months. The longer i sat there the more depressed and agoraphobic i became. Untill finally the day came that i either killed myself or found help.

This is how i finally met my GP, i hadnt seen a doctor since i was 8 years old. He had no idea what to make of me, was i just some super depressed agoraphobe chronic underacheiver? An autistic that some how fell through the cracks? A alcoholic lunatic? An idiot savant? I doubt he even is sure to this day.

He did the only thing he knew to do in the situation and just started feeding me anti depressants, one right after another and then came the benzos. The benzos actually got me out of the house which wasnt all that bad. During this period i began doing my own research into how AD meds work and in general about neuralchemistry. Finally after a year and a half of trying meds and talking to a psychiatrist friend of my doctors my GP finally threw his arms up and said "i dont know what the hell is wrong". The feeling was mutual, i had no idea what was wrong and no matter how much research i did i simply came up empty handed. Untill one day i was reading a social anxiety forum and came across the mention of a term i had never seen before "inattentive add". I was pretty convinced i didnt have ADD infact i had quite the opposite, i was lazy, slow, bored, unproductive, tired constantly.

But for some reason i researched the term anyway and when i read the description for the first time it was like getting hit with a hammer. I couldnt possibly belive that there was other people that might have this same condition. It was like opening a window in my mind after years of darkness.

I was diagnosed last month with inattentive ADD.



(this is not a pity plea or attention whoring or any sort of shennanigans like that. I honestly wanted to tell this story to a bunch of strangers because i cant to the people that are experiancing its effects in my life)

I honestly wanted to tell this story to a bunch of strangers because I cant to the people that are experiencing its effects in my life.Well, I certainly understand that feeling!

Most people either don't give a damn, or they just think ADD is a cop out! Therefore, I've finally given up on trying to explain it to people!

Anyway, you tell a good story and your writing is easy to follow, so I actually read your entire story! And I actually enjoyed reading it too! :)

Thanks for sharing it with us! :)

Peace, :)
*~ §EEK ~*

Thanks for posting that D.B.! My story is similar but different :eyebrow: but I have also recently been diagnosed with inattentive ADD.

For me, the last part of this journey started 7 years ago during a marriage counseling session with my now ex-wife when for some reason I opened my mouth and out came my biggest secret; one that I had planned on carrying to the grave. My dad was a pedophile and I was one of his victims. With that came a diagnosis of major depression, anxiety and PTSD, which was absolutely correct. The anti-depressants along with Xanax for anxiety and panic attacks came along with that diagnosis and helped the depression. So did individual therapy and group therapy. The PTSD was the first to go, along with most of the anxiety and flaskbacks, as I realized that what happened to me was not my fault and I began to give up the guilt and shame.

Then my life turned into a bad country song - I lost my job, got divorced, had to sell my house, my roommate moved back home and yes, my dog died. All in a span of 6 months. That landed me in a mental hospital for 3 days for suicide prevention. 2 months later I passed out behind the wheel of my car at 3AM and drove it into a guardrail, picking up my first DUI. In DUI school, I learned alot about alcoholism and drug abuse. The key component that I missed was that I believed it didn't apply to me. You see, alcohol and pot were my solution to life's problems. Self-medication allowed me to keep going because I knew of nothing else.

One year to the day after my first DUI, I picked up my second. That cleared away my last bit of defiance and self-delusion. I was an alcoholic and drug addict. The program of AA, recovery and a new-found faith in God that I had been lacking turned my life around. I found a way of dealing with life, one day at a time, that did not require numbing myself to get through it. Still on anti-depressants, the depression was gone and I started to learn who I really was.

Still, some lagging problems remained. I forget a ton of stuff. I procrastinate in the hope that eventually whatever I don't want to do will magically do itself. I make impulsive decisions, like buying a house and getting married, without really thinking about what I am doing. My work area and home consist of piles of stuff. The feeling that somehow I am a fraud and that I faked my way through all of this and once everyone finds out it will all fall apart is pervasive. Physical as well as mental restlessness are a constant presence. Focus on the task at hand comes and goes. Etc.

With a second marriage failing, it's back to marriage counseling. Within 20 minutes of meeting a new psychologist, she asks if anyone has ever diagnosed me with ADD. Baffled, it's like a door opened in my brain. No they haven't and why hasn't anyone ever seen it before? It's so obvious the more we explore. She actually has ADD herself. Yesterday I got a prescription for Strattera.

You see, for me I think the ADD has always been at my core. What I believe now is that when you add the abuse into the mix, the core symptoms became secondary to the depression, anxiety and addictions. It took me peeling the onion, so to speak, one layer at a time enough to get back to them.

That feels good writing all that out. There are people in my life also who think the diagnosis is a cop out. But you know what? I don't care. There are good friends of mine in AA that believe that any mind-altering medication equates to the self-medication of alcohol. Again, don't care. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. It's up to me to decide what I believe.

Not sure what I'm in for in the short term or the long haul, but I'm really looking forward to the ride. :)

Well, I certainly understand that feeling!

Most people either don't give a damn, or they just think ADD is a cop out! Therefore, I've finally given up on trying to explain it to people!

Anyway, you tell a good story and your writing is easy to follow, so I actually read your entire story! And I actually enjoyed reading it too! :)

Thanks for sharing it with us! :)



Peace, :) *~ §EEK ~*


funnily enough, I read it all too :-) I like your style..:D welcome and good luck

;) Similar but different too! And I always used the term "functional retard" for myself--apologies to those who have actual IQ tested retardation as an issue in advance--not to mention my comorbids varied slightly but anywhoo, thanks for sharing!

Crazy :cool: (my psy doc actually giggled at the idea of my ADHD being even remotely mild)

yes DB sounds familiar.. and i also read all of yours!
nice to meet u.

Hey Coop,

First of all welcome to the club buddy. I read the whole story. Thanks for taking the time to post it. It was just as theraputic for me to read it as for you to write it! It made me think back to my AHA moment when I first learned about what this thing called ADHD/ADD is while reading "Driven To Distraction" (upon the advice of my Mom's pdoc). I remember tears coming to my eyes as I read the descriptions of other ADD sufferrers and saw my lifelong hurts in their stories.

Since then I been on on hyperfocus kick learning everything I can about this condition. Researched on the web and read 6 books on the subject so far. It's amazing what an ADD mind can accomplish while in the hyperfocus state.
But yeah, finding out about ADD when you are an older adult cuts both ways. It is a tremendous relief to finally get the insight into our lifelong struggles but there is alot of regret that goes along with that. What might've been... Still I am greatful for the relief I have gotten today.

"...I couldnt possibly belive that there was other people that might have this same condition.".... Yup, and half of them are right here with ya buddy.

Again, great story and look forward to your future posts...

SuperDave,

What can I say except - wow. My story is very similar. I think you are right on when you say that ADD is at the core of alot of your/our life problems. I backed into finding I had ADD the same way you did. All the other addictions and impulsive problems were killing me to the point of having suicidal thoughts and I could never fully recover from them until at last I talked to one doc who mentioned ADD only because I mentioned my sleep problems to him.

But yes, it is like peeling away an onion and having ADD at the core. For instance I am convinced ADD caused my gambling problems to the point where like you - I lost my house and did many other seemingly crazy impulsive things. They say ADD coexists often with depression, anxiety, etc. But I agree with you that it probably causes most of it.

I urge you to read a book by Wendy Richardson called When Too Much Isn't Enough. It goes into details about how ADDers become addicted and the problems it brings and how to find relief.

DB Cooper --

Your post was great...you're a great writer. I also read it all the way through and I didn't even feel like just skipping down to the last paragraph. So as non-functional as you describe yourself >>> already your post shows your intelligence and writing skills.

Gosh, I wasn't diagnosed until I was about 37 y.o.. What a struggle!! Who knew? No one! Doctor after doctor, I'd tell them "I'm overwhelmed." I felt like I was continually climbing a great big mountain and sliding down. I felt like I was drowning.

Good news for you --- you now know what the problem is! It truly gets better after that point. And it is also great you found this forum.

Thanks for sharing your story.

SuperDave,

What can I say except - wow. My story is very similar. I think you are right on when you say that ADD is at the core of alot of your/our life problems. I backed into finding I had ADD the same way you did. All the other addictions and impulsive problems were killing me to the point of having suicidal thoughts and I could never fully recover from them until at last I talked to one doc who mentioned ADD only because I mentioned my sleep problems to him.

But yes, it is like peeling away an onion and having ADD at the core. For instance I am convinced ADD caused my gambling problems to the point where like you - I lost my house and did many other seemingly crazy impulsive things. They say ADD coexists often with depression, anxiety, etc. But I agree with you that it probably causes most of it.

I urge you to read a book by Wendy Richardson called When Too Much Isn't Enough. It goes into details about how ADDers become addicted and the problems it brings and how to find relief.

As much as I hate to see other people go through some of what I have had to, it's always nice to find that you're not alone. Though at times I wish I could go back and change things, above all I realize that everything that has happened to me has brought me to this point in time and in some way prepared me for things that I have had yet to experience. Even though I just hit the big 4 0 last month (yet am still about 12 in mental age :p ), I've got a lot of life left in me and the time is past for me to rue what could have been. As surprised as I was to get the diagnosis of ADD, it actually made me feel good in a way because I have a name for the stupid stuff that I continue to do.

I'll check out the book you mentioned when I have time. (I think I need to start a list to remember all of the book recommendations I have found, otherwise I'll never remember them all. :rolleyes: ) Right now, I'm working on Driven to Distraction for myself and Emotional Blackmail on how to deal with others in my life.

Thanks for the kind words.

SD

A good one for eomtional blackmail issues is Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents". Even if the blackmailer is not a parent, the tactics work quite well.

Crazy :cool:

How are you doing now, by the way? I'm interested because I'm awaiting a doctor's appointment and my story is similar, if not quite as bad.

Not much has improved as i've spent the last month getting off effexor which has caused all sorts of bad crazyness. Im also starting to consider long term solutions that dont involve taking stimulants all day, everyday just to be motivated/not depressed. To be more upfront im thinking about taking EMSAM but that requires quite alot of preparation and basically going off every med im currently on.

Coop, what's EMSAM ? is that biofeedback or something?

Though at times I wish I could go back and change things, above all I realize that everything that has happened to me has brought me to this point in time and in some way prepared me for things that I have had yet to experience. Even though I just hit the big 4 0 last month (yet am still about 12 in mental age :p ), I've got a lot of life left in me and the time is past for me to rue what could have been.
SD
Yeah, that's the way I have finally taken to view my past. That good things will come out of all that misery. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - I've gotta agree though it took a long time in recovery for me to get to this point. I just turned 48 - funny I always tell myself I don't feel a day over 12 either. I think ADDers are late bloomers in general. Seems to me the procrastination isn't only on mundane tasks but in life in general like I'm finally having a child - it's due in February.

How is it working out with the Strattera?

ZO

Coop, what's EMSAM ? is that biofeedback or something?Its an MAO-B inhibitor that basically floods your brain with dopamine. But unlike stimulants theres very little ups and downs. It was originally used as a drug for parkinsons but it was discovered that its really effective for treatment resistant depressives and is pretty energizing in general.

The downside is that like othe MAOIs it doesnt play well with other drugs. So you have to be very careful with what you take with it or risk a hypertensive crisis or possibly death.

Its an MAO-B inhibitor that basically floods your brain with dopamine. But unlike stimulants theres very little ups and downs. It was originally used as a drug for parkinsons but it was discovered that its really effective for treatment resistant depressives and is pretty energizing in general.

The downside is that like othe MAOIs it doesnt play well with other drugs. So you have to be very careful with what you take with it or risk a hypertensive crisis or possibly death.From the FDA's website.
Do not consume foods and beverages that contain high amounts of a substance called tyramine (eg, aged cheeses and tap beer) while on EMSAM 9 mg/24 hr or 12 mg/24 hr, and for 2 weeks after stopping EMSAM 9 mg/24 hr and 12 mg/24 hrThat's interesting.
I don't think I could stand not eating aged cheeses! I mean what cheeses aren't aged at least a little? Is the same true for most MAOI's D.B.?

Also, it say's "Tap Beer". Does that mean canned or bottled beer is ok? I didn't think there was much difference in "Tap vs. Canned/bottled" beers!

Just curious! :)

Thx...

In clinical tests they gave aged cheddar to patients who were on all three doses of EMSAM and didnt have a problem. They simply include that warning because in the highest dose theres a small amount of MAO-A action but it hasnt proven to be an issue yet. Its a major issue with other MAOIs though which is what makes EMSAM so unique, the food restrictions are pretty much negated because it selectively only inhibits MAO-B.

Im not sure about the beer thing.

Also theres absolutely no way a person without insurance can afford EMSAM right now. It hovers around $500 a month...its not something for the financially squeamish. But bristol myer does have a financial assistance program where they'll pay for 3 months worth if you dont qualify for government assistance.

Also theres absolutely no way a person without insurance can afford EMSAM right now. It hovers around $500 a month...its not something for the financially squeamish.$500 .... Yikes! :eek: That's pretty expensive for an antidepressant!

Here is something interesting I found that the other forum members might find interesting:
Selegiline is sometimes used off-label to treat narcolepsy and as a nootropic, as well as for its purported life-extending effects.Life-extending??? Hey D.B., you might live to be 200 years old if you keep taking Selegiline! Cool! LOL :D
Nootropics, popularly referred to as "smart drugs," are substances which boost human cognitive abilities.Not only will you live to be 200 years old, but you'll also be the smartest man alive! LOL :D Again cool! :)

Just think, I'll be able to tell everybody that I knew you when you were just a kid! LOL :D

That's an interesting medication you're taking D.B.! :) Do you feel any smarter or younger?

Seriously can you tell any difference when taking it? :eyebrow:

Peace! :)

Seriously can you tell any difference when taking it? :eyebrow:
Im not taking it yet, im still washing prozac/remeron out of my system. I have no idea if my shrink/gp can come to an agreement about this drug.

Theres been some wacky studies into selegiline but its alot more than simply an anti depressant. Its stimulating properties are comparable to conventional stimulants.

Maintenance on (-)deprenyl selectively enhances superoxide dismutase (SOD) and catalase activity in the striatum and protects the nigrostriatal dopaminergic neurons from selective neurotoxins (6-hydroxydopamine, MPTP, DSP-4). Maintenance of an animal on (-)deprenyl prevents the characteristic age-related morphological changes in the neuromelanin granules of the neurocytes in the substantia nigra. Many other protective effects of (-)deprenyl, denoted as 'neuroprotective', 'trophiclike neurorescue', 'apoptosis reducing', etc, have been described.It also protects the brain from the usual breakdown it experiances from age. Which is where people get the "anti-aging" thing.

As I said, it's certainly a very interesting medication! :)

I hope you'll keep us up to date on what you think of the medication, if and when you start....err...."using it"! <-- For some reason "taking it" sounds inappropriate when the delivery method is a skin patch! LOL :D

Good luck! :)

Yeah, that's the way I have finally taken to view my past. That good things will come out of all that misery. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - I've gotta agree though it took a long time in recovery for me to get to this point. I just turned 48 - funny I always tell myself I don't feel a day over 12 either. I think ADDers are late bloomers in general. Seems to me the procrastination isn't only on mundane tasks but in life in general like I'm finally having a child - it's due in February.

How is it working out with the Strattera?

ZO

Hard to say on the Strattera as it takes a while to work and ramp up the dosage. The best I can say right now is that I haven't had any major side effects, which seem to be a problem with some people. The biggest problem is getting my insurance company to pay for it - it's one of their step meds and they want a recovering alcoholic and drug addict to try the stimulants first. :rolleyes:

Congrats on the child! My second (though my wife's first) is due in about 3 weeks though it would be nice to break him out early. ;) I think my wife's finally over the increased attention thing and has given into the misery of not being able to get comfortable and walking funny. She was actually doing jumping jacks last night! :D

D.B. - when you were at your lowest - what was the image of D.B. which you thought you'd like to have? and was this different to the image which you felt you'd like to have?

Depression ... What's the point?
... ... ... Is that the sort you had or perhaps ...

Depression ... They all want this - and I don't, what's wrong with me?
~or~
Depression ... I want this, and they don't ... what's wrong with me?
~or~
Depression ... I just want to sit under a tree and think about stuff ... and they want me to think about form filling, vogon poetry and superficiality
~or~
<<< maybe another ...:-)...>>>

Did you see a point? Do you see a point now?

... as sure as balls roll downhill - there is a point ... maybe, because balls roll downhill ... there is a point ... :-) ...

SB.

Im not sure what you're getting at SB....

But im a treatment resistant dysthymic so its more like "life is grey, bleak and lacks meaning".

Kinda' whether the depression was related to an event - and the depression was the aftermath of the event, whether the depression was a self-perceived failure to align oneself with an idealised D.B., whether the depression was a round D.B. (perfectly well formed) being forced into a square hole (where round D.B. is either good or bad in your own perception) - but uncomfortable within the square holes of society --- or the last one ... that's the big guy ... 'the meaning of life' - 'and whether there is one' ... ... ...

Playing on the stereo - Smiths -
'And when I'm lying on my bed
I think about life and I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me
And if the day came when I felt a natural emotion
I'd get such a shock I'd probably lie
in the middle of the street and I'd
lay down and die"

...DB - just trying to work out whether I can write anything that'd be of any use to you ...
...grey,bleak,meaningless...Have you found colour? ...

SB.

Have you found colour? ...
No colour yet.

My depression isnt related to any specific event but could be related to feeling im not living up to my potential. Dysthymia is weird its not like normal depression...its something that just hangs around in the back of your consciousness slowly eroding your perceptions. I go through periods where i totally forget that i even have it because my reality has been subverted to the point that having this moderate depression seems like a normal state of being to me.

http://www.allaboutdepression.com/dia_04.html

Reaching in - how do you see a happy DB differing from the DB of the here and ~now~ ... ? ... ...

SB.

I dont have much of a concept of "happy". To be functional is enough for me now.

i realize how absolutely cliche that sounds but its true, happiness just seems like a weird abstract concept.

... what would you most like to be functional in - to be doing ... ? ... ...
Do you feel that you want {whatever you're about to write} - or do you think that's what you want?

SB.

In life, im a mid 20s adult and i've never had a job. I've never done even the simplest normal things most people have. To persue a degree would probably be my first thing to do.

*posted this before reading your reply [directly above]*

To explain - I found depression was solved by untangling the wires - and then getting thought and feelings aligned - to drop all preconceptions of myself - to drop all expectations by others ... {to vanish} ... and then to return ...

...there's only really one difficulty here ... you gotta' go in and find the idea which gives you that 'warm' and 'fuzzy' ... ... ...

sb.

In life, im a mid 20s adult and i've never had a job. I've never done even the simplest normal things most people have. To persue a degree would probably be my first thing to do.'job' ... is there anything which you really want to do - which *absolutely* requires money ... ? ... ...
'normal things' - really - these do not exist ... ... ...
'degree' - which subject?
A degree is a piece of paper - a surrogate for knowledge - better to be knowledgeable (which you clearly are) - than to have a piece of paper which {ultimately} means nothing.

My degrees - I'd give them up for the education I've had here ... I have 4 (started around 10!) - and each one has left me feeling empty - and not full ... the reason - I know what I want to know - I don't want to know what they seek to teach ... ... ...

'girls* just want to have fun'

sb.

* as do boys - the trick though is defining 'fun' for your self.

btw - the song above ...
The Smiths (Meat is murder)
'Nowhere Fast'

sb.

To explain - I found depression was solved by untangling the wires - and then getting thought and feelings aligned - to drop all preconceptions of myself - to drop all expectations by others ... {to vanish} ... and then to return ...

sb.
Quite profound....

'job' ... is there anything which you really want to do - which *absolutely* requires money ... ? ... ...
'normal things' - really - these do not exist ... ... ...
'degree' - which subject?
A degree is a piece of paper - a surrogate for knowledge - better to be knowledgeable (which you clearly are) - than to have a piece of paper which {ultimately} means nothing.

My degrees - I'd give them up for the education I've had here ... I have 4 (started around 10!) - and each one has left me feeling empty - and not full ... the reason - I know what I want to know - I don't want to know what they seek to teach ... ... ...

'girls* just want to have fun'

sb.

* as do boys - the trick though is defining 'fun' for your self.Yes, well aquiring a degree is a matter of survival rather than choice. In the US having anything less than a BS means you're doomed to a life of tech support and managing convienance stores. Even bachelors are starting to become devalued....

While unwraveling chords is probably a good idea but one must address the base problem and in my case its simply that something in my dopamine system is broken....very broken. Maybe its the val/val COMT gene variant....maybe its something we just dont have a name for yet, i dont know. I've got my psychiatrist to the point that he recognizes this and i dont have to ride the SSRI merry go round of horror anymore which is a start at least.

...I've never done even the simplest normal things...Your method of writing, and the ideas which you are expressing are better than 'normal' ... ... ... the dissatisfaction which you describe - which drives your depression - that *deep* dissatisfaction arises from some aspect of your current life - identifying and letting it go - might prove to be the start of the change which I describe above.

Of course, I might be off base here (in suggesting that this advice might prove useful to you) (just in case it is though) (here's my example) ... in my case - giving up the ghost of becoming medically qualified - was all I needed --- I dropped out of med school in the late 80's and then again in the late 90's --- my redefinition came when I finally realised and let go of the desire to be a clinician - {everything changed} - and I identified a path (in time) - which I *wanted* to pursue.
Society (for me) rests at the foundation of this new path.
The $ rested at the rocky base of my desire to cure people --- how very ironic! ... hypocritical Hippocrates ... ... ...

SB.

Yukio Mishima (Narrator): My need to transform reality was an urgent necessity, as important as three meals a day or sleep.
.................................................. .................................................. ......{q}...We create our own (rr)reality...{/q}
.................................................. ................................................AD DF thread::We create our own (rr)reality #93 (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=333771&postcount=93) <hr width="30%"> Mariko: Only knowledge can turn life's unbearableness ... <hr width="30%"> ......
.................................................. ......................................{q}...I'd give them up for the education I've had here...{/q}
...... <hr width="30%">Yukio Mishima (Narrator): I wanted to explode, light the sky for an instant and disappear. <hr width="30%"> [source (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089603/quotes)]

SB.

I dont have much of a concept of "happy". To be functional is enough for me now.

i realize how absolutely cliche that sounds but its true, happiness just seems like a weird abstract concept.I understand this so well D.B. I know we do not see eye-to-eye over SSRI/SSNRIs? But without mine I am the same. There is no functionality, there is no color, there is no actual happiness (hypomania does not count as actual happiness).

Functional is a great place to start, and all else will hopefully follow :). In my experience, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel for me to be motivated to address anything else at all.

I sincerely hope things improve for you!

Almost immediately after feeling whole would come the ...

I wanted to explode, light the sky for an instant and disappear. - Yukio Mishima

... explosion, lighting up the sky and ... then ... ... dissipating (... ... ... into the furthest reaches of that Universe ... ... ...) ... ... ...

SB.

Personally, I think you could be a wonderful writer or a journalist D.B.. :)

I think you express yourself better than most people.

And I find reading your posts easy to follow and understand. (That saying a lot coming from a dyslexic ADDer :D )

I'll bet other people here would agree with me on this. :)

Shoot, you may even be able to work from home most of the time.

Also, the good thing about being a writer or a journalist is that they almost always have editors/proof-readers so that you don't misspell anything or write something inappropriate (If that is a concern.)

Anyway, just a thought I had!

Peace! :)

D.B.

I concur with Seek. You express yourself well. Inattentive type ADHD is much more destructive than primarily hyperactive type. I resisted meds tooth and nail for almost 2 years before coming to grips with them. Take 'em, and I can compete with the best. Don't take em, I and my family are down the toilet. I don't know what it is with me but I HATE being dependant on meds for normal brain functioning. But what is, is. Damn it anyway.

This board is loaded with very intelligent, talented and in most cases financially successful professonals and biz people. Why? Because most of us have found ways to capitalize on a chaotic brain. I'm primarily inattentive also. Carefully monitor your brain function and please tell me if you experience what I experience.

Friday morning my boss calls with a bug report in some software I wrote. My mind is inundated in possibilities and a bunch of unrelated to work stuff on my slate. The influx of thoughts, feelings and implusives is so great that I can't filter out all the balony and simply focus on the freaking bug. Once the Adderall kicks in, no problem. I see where I erred and fixed it - within an hour or so not including the hour or so I spent fighting with my screwed up head to suppress extraneous thoughts.

I've seen Strattera commercials before DX and did not relate to the constantly changing channel analogy. For me Adhd is all the channels are on simultaneously causing so much interferance with on another that I can't lock in on the priority task at hand resulting in a chaotic mind state.

The good news is Adderall works wonders for me. Even better news is I've learned that I am seeing the whole picture all at once. And since learning how to zero in on the relavant thoughts via meds and coping skills, I am blowing the doors off my peers.

Dude, take advantage. You got an edge. Learn to harness it.

Bob

Coop,

I gotta agree. It's easy for me to see your intelligence along with nice writing skills. I really hope you get the neurotransmitter formula figured out. Anyway, I went back and reread your posts. You said you were dx ADHD Inattentive but I don't see where you ever tried any of the stimulants. Effexor is not a stimulant it's SSRI. I'm inattentive type also and I had the same symptoms you do. I went on Concerta and its totally turned my life around. I was about to get fired at work and now I'm one of the best employees there. There's gotta be something out there that will work for you. Once you do - look out. I think you have talent and will do well whatever you choose.

If you haven't tried a stimulant because of your doctor I'd definately seek out a different doc. Someone who understands ADD and treatments.

I was 47 when dx'd last year. I lost alot of my life cause of ADD - alot. It may be small consolation to you now but you are lucky you are on this path of discovery in your mid-20s - it will work out once you find the right med. Just don't get impatient. It sometimes takes a while. Even if it takes a year or 2 - that's better than finding out at 47 and you have to start from scratch like me.

God bless....

Coop,

I gotta agree. It's easy for me to see your intelligence along with nice writing skills. I really hope you get the neurotransmitter formula figured out. Anyway, I went back and reread your posts. You said you were dx ADHD Inattentive but I don't see where you ever tried any of the stimulants. Effexor is not a stimulant it's SSRI. I'm inattentive type also and I had the same symptoms you do. I went on Concerta and its totally turned my life around. I was about to get fired at work and now I'm one of the best employees there. There's gotta be something out there that will work for you. Once you do - look out. I think you have talent and will do well whatever you choose.
Im taking adderall currently, its allright but far from a silver bullet.

(quotes from a life in four chapters) Mishima has always fascinated me. He was the greatest writer of his generation and probably the last one hundred years in japan. So talented and so prolific even hemingway looked to him for inspiration. He was a complex man of paradoxes, he was called a gay writer despite having a wife and children, he was called a fascist despite never aligning himself with any political group, he was called old fashioned though he wore western clothes and his house was built in a western style. He was out of place in this world and his suicide reflected this. It wasnt the suicide of a desperate man tortured by life but of someone who wanted to be remembered...someone who finally made a point in a way that simple writing couldnt.

DB's description of ... Mishima ... or Jung?
Jung, Nazism and anti-Semitism
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Jung#Jung.2C_Nazism_and_anti-Semitism)
... it's a little uncanny ...
or maybe not ... :-) ...

SB.

To explain - I found depression was solved by untangling the wires - and then getting thought and feelings aligned - to drop all preconceptions of myself - to drop all expectations by others ... {to vanish} ... and then to return ..

sb.

Wow well written ! The biggies depression I felt is when I found out Gene had cancer not the part where he was sick the part before I decided how far I was willing to go with him on what I knew was going to be a difficult journey . . . . . I held no delusion I knew what was being asked! Once I made the decision to go all the way like until death due us part I never experience depression that was so heavy as I did the moments before I made my final conscious decision I was stick it out all the way to the end!

Please spay and neuter all pets and remember people can't send you messages when your PM box is full! A public service announcement by Bob Barker and crazy!

Have I been out in space or what?
Tammy - Who's Gene? But then who's Gary for that matter?

You guys - I'm speechless - {unlikely...} I am staggered by the similiarities between us - yet all with different circumstances. Today, more than ever before, I feel like we're all going to nail this puppy. Not meaning to be so rah rah ziskoombah - but as a statement of recognition about the awareness and intellect expressed here on the forum.
There is SOOOO much left to extract and re-arrange and emerge-transcend-whatever into!
It just might be a fun ride after all.

Of all the things I could regret - the only RRReal one is not being more involved with medicine.
A diagnostician is about as close to people as I think I can get. Funny, how money never came into the picture for me as a consideration or motivation for my life - it sucks if you have it and then don't have it, for sure. [Not as a trust-funder, but as an earner worker bee.]
Finding enthusiasm towards a pursuit can be a real challenge.
Education - getting more tools - yes, doesn't have to be degreed.
However, it is so much easier to get someone's ear when you have some credentials behind you - otherwise you need a VAST intellect with some truly compelling arguments.

I always loved Kahlil Gibran, and 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de-sant-exuperay - never could spell it, and of course my parents suffered through all my jungian gestalt stuff...sigh...

An archetype is a generic, idealized model of a person, object or concept from which similar instances are derived, copied, patterned or emulated. In psychology, an archetype is a model of a person, personality or behaviour.

This article is about personality archetypes, as described in literature analysis and psychoanalysis. Archetypes have been present in mythology and literature for at least hundreds of years. The use of archetypes to analyse personality was advanced by Carl Jung (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Jung) early in the 20th century. The value in using archetypal characters in fiction derives from the fact that a large group of people are able to unconsciously recognise the archetype, and thus the motivations, behind the character's behavior.

from SB's link to Jung.

Didn't Laszlo say something about the archetype pulling all the pieces together for emergence?

Well, i finally moved over to dextro-amphetamine. This is the closest thing to a perfect drug for me. Ill probably be stuck on this for the rest of my life (or dextro-methamphetamine as i may have a choice to sample it).

I feel truly functional for the first time in years (my life?), tears are almost in my eyes. My dysthymia is subsiding and im human for maybe the first time.

Sorry...im getting all emotional here.

I will keep this in mind if the adderall doesnt work for me.

Coop,

That's awesome news. Things will get better for you. Keep at it and don't give up. You may have to fine-tune it from here on but sounds like you've had the breakthru that us dysthemic non-functionals experience on our way to better days. Keep us posted!

Zone

Hey DB please keep us informed on your progress. We're always happy to hear a success story, and we're always there if you fall. Thanks for sharing.:D