ShefTamale
08-25-06, 02:43 PM
Hi,
I would like your opinion on what’s wrong with me. I think I have ADD, or spurts of depression, or maybe a little bit of both. Or maybe I’m just grumpy and don’t handle stress well?
First of all, let me say that it’s difficult for me to seek help or communicate about my problems. However, I have a very concerned girlfriend who thinks I need professional help. The reason why I am coming to a forum, before talking to a physician, is because I want to get an outsider’s opinion first.
So I think I may have chemical imbalances is because I get *major* mood swings. I’m not talking about normal ups and downs, but a difference of night and day. Whenever I feel a depression bout (which has been fairly common since I graduated from college last May), at first I just start losing energy. I would stay in bed all day if I could. Just thinking about what I need to be doing makes me even more exhausted. I lose interest in doing things that at other times I enjoy, such as going to the gym or being with my girlfriend. And that makes me feel even more awful, pushing away people I love. It’s not being lazy. Half of me really wants to go out and conquer the world, but the other half stops caring. At these times, the uncaring part wins over. I’m not really sure what brings these moods on or what makes them go away. It’s kind of like fog creeping in or slowly dissipating when the bout begins or ends. I’ll know the bout is coming on, yet it kind of sneaks up on me. I’ll know it’s gone away when I wake up one morning and I feel like I actually want to get up out of bed.
These bouts last maybe 3 days or so and have been happening about 2 or 3 times a month, although there’s no set program. When I’m in the mood, I’m practically incapacitated. I don’t want to do ANYTHING but lie around. I have such strong feelings of inadequacy and feel like life is meaningless. I’m not suicidal, but I just fail to see the point of doing anything and try to avoid people.
When I feel like this, it’s not as easy as just “snapping out of it.” It’s like a tormenting mindset that took control of me and I can’t escape it until whatever it is has passed. Usually the bouts end with me crying at night and then waking up the next morning feeling better. The weird things is that when I’m out of these moods, even if it just happened the day before, I can barely remember what it was like to be in the mood, almost as if it was a dream.
I’m a recent college graduate and I know many college graduated have similar problems to mine at this point in life. What is my identity now that school is over? How do I define myself? What do I want to do with my life? Will I ever get my first job? But I believe what I have is more than a “quarter-life crisis” because I have felt similarly at different points in my life, throughout high school and college. However, more so than lately, I have had that tired feeling, even when I wasn’t depressed. It’s like I don’t have the energy to start making a life for myself.
I’ve tried coping on my own… eating healthy, regular exercise, being involved in activities to take my mind off of it… but none of it seems to help. I don’t have the desire to do anything, even if I know it will make me better, when in the moods. At these times, I also tend to close up and not talk to anyone, as if I shut down. I know this is unhealthy too, but I feel like it’s more than a matter of “bucking up.”
Then, when I’m not in these depressed bouts, my mind is always all over the place. People who have just met me or know me from an academic setting would probably think I have it together though, by how I present myself. And I’m definitely not hyperactive, so I’m sure I don’t seem like a typical ADD case.
One of the reasons people might think I “have it together” is because I have always been a very good student (in most subjects) for as long as I’ve been in school. In second grade, I was placed in my public school’s gifted program. I think many times people automatically assume many problem students have ADD, and conversely, many gifted students don’t have ADD. However, I don’t think giftedness and ADD necessarily correlate or cancel the other out.
I also graduated from a very respected, small liberal arts school Magna Cum Laude and in the top 5% of my class. The thing that got me by, and got me by so well, is my creativity and writing ability. My college and major were very writing intensive. As long as the grade for that class depended on writing, I’d get an A. For classes that depended on rote memorization and mathematical logic, such as biology or physics (very elementary classes at that), forget it. I’d still be above the curve of the class, but I wouldn’t be WELL ahead, as I would with a sociology or psychology class. (And although there is some memorization involved in sociology or psychology, it’s more conceptual, and you could pretty much figure out the answer by taking apart terminology.) My kind of academic successes depended on starting something from scratch, rather than memorizing an equation (which I could almost never do) and applying it to numbers.
Even though I always did well with writing papers, it would take me HOURS to even write a two-page paper. The time involved in my writing is immense. That’s because I always have so many thoughts jumbled in my head, it’s almost impossible for me to follow a single line of thought. I have trouble planning what to write; I kind of write something, go to the next idea, then the next, come back, try to mold them together, and repeat. I would always start papers in the middle, jot down different ideas as they came from various thought tangents, and some how make everything flow … but always from revision after revision. For instance, if I had to write a timed in-class essay versus an out-of-class essay, I ALWAYS did better on the out-of-class essay. That’s because I had time to organize my thoughts.
Speaking of organizing, that’s one thing that completely escapes me. I know some people would call me “messy,” but no matter how hard I try, within a couple of days, my room, my workspace, my car, my whatever is jumbled again. I’ll say to myself, Okay pick up the towel before you leave your room… but then my mind goes to the next thought and I completely forget. My car keys are lost half of the time, too.
And I have some of the classic signs of ADD, despite doing well in school. For instance, I start thousands of projects at once. I can’t even tell you how many books I’ve read only a few chapters before starting the next. I definitely have a quick temper, or a short fuse, and am extremely impatient. When I was little, my mom put it nicely by saying I have an “artist’s temperament.” I’ve also been known to talk back a lot to authority. Something would tick me off, I’d feel my insides get hot, and I would blurt out a reply before I even had time to hold it back. I’ve been like that for as long as I remember, even now that I’m older and have cooled off a bit.
And finally, most of the time I feel like I have static in my head. I guess the best way to compare it would be to a TV or radio with 5 or 6 stations going at once. Everything is jumbled and I can’t concentrate on one thing for long. For instance, I could walk into a class room and see tacks on a board. Instead of listening to the lecture, this would be my thought process: “Who put those tacks there… why are there more yellow tacks than blue... wouldn’t it be funny if I rearranged them to a smiley face… remember when smiley faces were in during sixth grade… ugh, I can’t believe I ever thought shopping at DEB was cool… I wish I had money to go to the mall this weekend…” etc, etc.
I tried adderall a couple of times (an ADD medicine similar to Ritalin) and it REALLY helped. One year I had a roommate in college who was diagnosed with ADD (but unlike me, was a poor student) and she gave me a couple of her pills. I remember having almost perfect clarity. Writing a paper took me a third of the normal time. All the “fuzz” inside my head was basically gone and I could focus on the task at hand for once. However, I’m not sure if adderall would help someone without ADD, so I don’t know that this actually proves anything.
Now that I’m out of school, ADD (or the constant chatter) still affects me in different ways. I am a server at a nice restaurant (until I land that elusive first job) and learning the computer system was/is a nightmare. It’s like I really can’t follow logical steps and memorize how to do punch something in, which given the fact that I was a “gifted” student should be an easy task. I do just fine making small talk with customers, but when it comes to listening to someone tell me how to perform a sequence of actions (and then actually doing it), I can’t turn off the chatter in my head to listen to them 100%. This is just one example of the annoyance of having a thought processes like ping pong balls. My thought process always follows little tangents. I’m a huge daydreamer and can sit seemingly for hours just "thinking".
It is important to note, that these two symptoms (depression bouts and not focusing) NEVER happen at once. It feels to me like they’re at odds with one another. I’m not sure if one of the symptoms brings about another, or they’re both part of something larger, but they never coincide.
Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. Do you think there’s some type of chemical imbalance, or am I just being a crybaby? I feel like doting on my problems is so self-centered and egotistical, and I HATE that, but I also feel like I don’t think I can help myself. Any comments or ideas before I seek professional help would be great. I really just want to put my life on track.
I would like your opinion on what’s wrong with me. I think I have ADD, or spurts of depression, or maybe a little bit of both. Or maybe I’m just grumpy and don’t handle stress well?
First of all, let me say that it’s difficult for me to seek help or communicate about my problems. However, I have a very concerned girlfriend who thinks I need professional help. The reason why I am coming to a forum, before talking to a physician, is because I want to get an outsider’s opinion first.
So I think I may have chemical imbalances is because I get *major* mood swings. I’m not talking about normal ups and downs, but a difference of night and day. Whenever I feel a depression bout (which has been fairly common since I graduated from college last May), at first I just start losing energy. I would stay in bed all day if I could. Just thinking about what I need to be doing makes me even more exhausted. I lose interest in doing things that at other times I enjoy, such as going to the gym or being with my girlfriend. And that makes me feel even more awful, pushing away people I love. It’s not being lazy. Half of me really wants to go out and conquer the world, but the other half stops caring. At these times, the uncaring part wins over. I’m not really sure what brings these moods on or what makes them go away. It’s kind of like fog creeping in or slowly dissipating when the bout begins or ends. I’ll know the bout is coming on, yet it kind of sneaks up on me. I’ll know it’s gone away when I wake up one morning and I feel like I actually want to get up out of bed.
These bouts last maybe 3 days or so and have been happening about 2 or 3 times a month, although there’s no set program. When I’m in the mood, I’m practically incapacitated. I don’t want to do ANYTHING but lie around. I have such strong feelings of inadequacy and feel like life is meaningless. I’m not suicidal, but I just fail to see the point of doing anything and try to avoid people.
When I feel like this, it’s not as easy as just “snapping out of it.” It’s like a tormenting mindset that took control of me and I can’t escape it until whatever it is has passed. Usually the bouts end with me crying at night and then waking up the next morning feeling better. The weird things is that when I’m out of these moods, even if it just happened the day before, I can barely remember what it was like to be in the mood, almost as if it was a dream.
I’m a recent college graduate and I know many college graduated have similar problems to mine at this point in life. What is my identity now that school is over? How do I define myself? What do I want to do with my life? Will I ever get my first job? But I believe what I have is more than a “quarter-life crisis” because I have felt similarly at different points in my life, throughout high school and college. However, more so than lately, I have had that tired feeling, even when I wasn’t depressed. It’s like I don’t have the energy to start making a life for myself.
I’ve tried coping on my own… eating healthy, regular exercise, being involved in activities to take my mind off of it… but none of it seems to help. I don’t have the desire to do anything, even if I know it will make me better, when in the moods. At these times, I also tend to close up and not talk to anyone, as if I shut down. I know this is unhealthy too, but I feel like it’s more than a matter of “bucking up.”
Then, when I’m not in these depressed bouts, my mind is always all over the place. People who have just met me or know me from an academic setting would probably think I have it together though, by how I present myself. And I’m definitely not hyperactive, so I’m sure I don’t seem like a typical ADD case.
One of the reasons people might think I “have it together” is because I have always been a very good student (in most subjects) for as long as I’ve been in school. In second grade, I was placed in my public school’s gifted program. I think many times people automatically assume many problem students have ADD, and conversely, many gifted students don’t have ADD. However, I don’t think giftedness and ADD necessarily correlate or cancel the other out.
I also graduated from a very respected, small liberal arts school Magna Cum Laude and in the top 5% of my class. The thing that got me by, and got me by so well, is my creativity and writing ability. My college and major were very writing intensive. As long as the grade for that class depended on writing, I’d get an A. For classes that depended on rote memorization and mathematical logic, such as biology or physics (very elementary classes at that), forget it. I’d still be above the curve of the class, but I wouldn’t be WELL ahead, as I would with a sociology or psychology class. (And although there is some memorization involved in sociology or psychology, it’s more conceptual, and you could pretty much figure out the answer by taking apart terminology.) My kind of academic successes depended on starting something from scratch, rather than memorizing an equation (which I could almost never do) and applying it to numbers.
Even though I always did well with writing papers, it would take me HOURS to even write a two-page paper. The time involved in my writing is immense. That’s because I always have so many thoughts jumbled in my head, it’s almost impossible for me to follow a single line of thought. I have trouble planning what to write; I kind of write something, go to the next idea, then the next, come back, try to mold them together, and repeat. I would always start papers in the middle, jot down different ideas as they came from various thought tangents, and some how make everything flow … but always from revision after revision. For instance, if I had to write a timed in-class essay versus an out-of-class essay, I ALWAYS did better on the out-of-class essay. That’s because I had time to organize my thoughts.
Speaking of organizing, that’s one thing that completely escapes me. I know some people would call me “messy,” but no matter how hard I try, within a couple of days, my room, my workspace, my car, my whatever is jumbled again. I’ll say to myself, Okay pick up the towel before you leave your room… but then my mind goes to the next thought and I completely forget. My car keys are lost half of the time, too.
And I have some of the classic signs of ADD, despite doing well in school. For instance, I start thousands of projects at once. I can’t even tell you how many books I’ve read only a few chapters before starting the next. I definitely have a quick temper, or a short fuse, and am extremely impatient. When I was little, my mom put it nicely by saying I have an “artist’s temperament.” I’ve also been known to talk back a lot to authority. Something would tick me off, I’d feel my insides get hot, and I would blurt out a reply before I even had time to hold it back. I’ve been like that for as long as I remember, even now that I’m older and have cooled off a bit.
And finally, most of the time I feel like I have static in my head. I guess the best way to compare it would be to a TV or radio with 5 or 6 stations going at once. Everything is jumbled and I can’t concentrate on one thing for long. For instance, I could walk into a class room and see tacks on a board. Instead of listening to the lecture, this would be my thought process: “Who put those tacks there… why are there more yellow tacks than blue... wouldn’t it be funny if I rearranged them to a smiley face… remember when smiley faces were in during sixth grade… ugh, I can’t believe I ever thought shopping at DEB was cool… I wish I had money to go to the mall this weekend…” etc, etc.
I tried adderall a couple of times (an ADD medicine similar to Ritalin) and it REALLY helped. One year I had a roommate in college who was diagnosed with ADD (but unlike me, was a poor student) and she gave me a couple of her pills. I remember having almost perfect clarity. Writing a paper took me a third of the normal time. All the “fuzz” inside my head was basically gone and I could focus on the task at hand for once. However, I’m not sure if adderall would help someone without ADD, so I don’t know that this actually proves anything.
Now that I’m out of school, ADD (or the constant chatter) still affects me in different ways. I am a server at a nice restaurant (until I land that elusive first job) and learning the computer system was/is a nightmare. It’s like I really can’t follow logical steps and memorize how to do punch something in, which given the fact that I was a “gifted” student should be an easy task. I do just fine making small talk with customers, but when it comes to listening to someone tell me how to perform a sequence of actions (and then actually doing it), I can’t turn off the chatter in my head to listen to them 100%. This is just one example of the annoyance of having a thought processes like ping pong balls. My thought process always follows little tangents. I’m a huge daydreamer and can sit seemingly for hours just "thinking".
It is important to note, that these two symptoms (depression bouts and not focusing) NEVER happen at once. It feels to me like they’re at odds with one another. I’m not sure if one of the symptoms brings about another, or they’re both part of something larger, but they never coincide.
Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. Do you think there’s some type of chemical imbalance, or am I just being a crybaby? I feel like doting on my problems is so self-centered and egotistical, and I HATE that, but I also feel like I don’t think I can help myself. Any comments or ideas before I seek professional help would be great. I really just want to put my life on track.