Well, i know I'm rather knew here, but I have to vent about something.

I am a 27 year old female recently diagnosed with ADHD. When I first started reading about the condition, the symptoms, the experiences others have had I cried. It felt as if everthing fell into place for me...it all seemed to make sense, if you will. After I got the phone call confirming my ADHD from the psychologist I felt a huge sense of relief and hopefulness. Within minutes, however, I felt a twinge of resentment towards my parents.

Let me explain...As a kid I experienced most of the classic symptoms and still do as an adult. I always scored real high on intelligence test, but failed at so many of the simple things in life. I grew up constantly being put down for who I was and who I am (mostly by my father and stepmother)...learning to love myself for who am, was and still is a daunting task. To be honest, my life at home was a living hell. I was physically punished, ridiculed, yelled at, sworn at, called names, grounded to my room for months at a time, etc.; all this on a regular basis. The biggest issues my parents had with me was my lack of responsibility, forgetfullness, talking back, not doing homework, not doing my chores right, etc. I was alienated from the rest of my family. I was the black sheep. I was the reason for anything that went wrong in the house. I was THE problem. All that crap led to a horrible adolescence..the details of which I won't get into.

NEway...I started to wonder how many things would have been different for me had someone figured this out before? Would I have been treated differently if they knew it was just the way my brain is wired? So, I decide not to get upset about the past...it is what it is and what matters is now right?

So, that brings me to now. I called my father and told him of the results of the testing and tried to talk to him about it. (we have a semi-decent relationship now). he kinda blew it off, but he was at work. So a few weeks go by and he didn't even bother to tell my step-mom and when I tried to tell her wasn't too interested. Her reply was "well, you know, that stuff is overdiagnosed." I tried to talk to him about it again and the same reaction. The both of them just blew it off, wouldn't talk about it. The whole tone of the conversation went dry each time I brought it up. I swear I would have gotten more conversation out of them if I told them I had a cold!

I guess I wish they would acknowledge this and it really hurts that they don't. My mom is pretty supportive, but she was always a little more long-suffering and patient with my shortcomings. I just want my dad and step-mom to acknowledge this and accept it...it's like they still can't accept ME. The thing is though, they are usually talkative people and get in long drawn out conversations about everybody's lives...why are they avoiding this???? Grrrr...Anyone have any thoughts or have the same experience?

Be patient. Give them time to digest what it means. If they go into denial, it is not your problem. it is theirs.

Friends and relatives have funny ways of reacting to this kind of news. One common theme is denial. Given time, most reasonable peiople will come around. Sadly, some do not. Another response is to attack... possibly in frustration ovcer something they don't understand and can't control. Again, given time, people usually return to sanity after they have had time to think it over.

Be patient

Me :D

Maybe im lucky/unlucky all of my friends and family basically said "yeah we knew you were screwed up".

lol, my relatives and friends were mostly okay with it and typically said "yah you wer ealways kinda like that".... I did have a friend kind of freak out over it and there was some unhappiness there, but things improved in time.

Sometimes you just have to give people some time to get used to it.

Me :D

i dunno...i kinda feel like some reaction would have been better than none!

Maybe because to them it is like being diagnosed as nearsighted ? That is, since it is not they who has had this great revalation of why their life is the way it is, and they are nonplussed because they don't know the significance of it.

Give it some time it will sink in. Eventually they will acknowledge it, and you will find some of them offering "advice" and offereing attempts at "curing" you. Be kind.. some of their "advice" will be offensive to you, but they are learning to undesrstand adhd just like you are, so they will get it wrong at first. You may need to be their "teacher" and help them understand what adhd is. After they get over that phase things will settle down a bit.

Just like you have gone through stages of accepting your adhd, your friends and family have to go through stages of acepting you as a person who has adhd.

ME :D

That makes sense speedo, I didn't think about it that way. Thanks :)

Rascal-I too cried for a long time when I took an ADD questionnaire-it was my life-it validated that I was an OK person with a lot of value-not just a weird, stupid, strange middle-aged lady. If you need a substitute mom someday-pm me my #1 daughter has undx'd ADD.

You never know how people will react. You often have deep wishes about how you want them to react too. If they are different it can be disappointing. When my daughter outed herself as a bisexual/mostly lesbian, my husband said nothing then and has never said anything since. I am OK with it and support her fully.

Your parents may feel badly that they didn't get you help earlier and need time to accept this and possibly deal with some feelings of guilt. I have to be very tactful with my mom about this-she get hurt terribly easily. Plus, I think she is one of the hyper organized people with ADD. My dad seemed to enjoy my explanations because I was actually defending some of his personality traits that are ADD. Just give them some time and don't over talk you dx. Do that here. Let them see the difference in you once your meds are at the right dosage. That is often a real eye-opener.

My family treats me like the diagnosis finally proves they were right about my weirdness all along-though they try to love me and it is getting better. The funny thing is-I think many of them have ADD since some of the kids have been dx'd with it. But I will always be the odd one in the family.

I hope my ramblings helped. Take care.
RADDmom of 3-2w/ADD and grandmom. 25, 23, 16, and gs is 1 tomorrow!

My son may go for a dx because his mild symptoms are starting to affect his ability to get into law school-the LSAT is a nightmare for him and he is in the University honors program and will graduate magna cum laude. I am glad he is getting evaluated.

i have had pretty much the exact same experience! i'm 26 now, and was diagnosed a few months ago. the strangest thing for me though, was that when i told my parents (soon after a period of intense disagreement/fighting about life in general) they quietly reacted with what seemed a light bulb of understanding going off over their heads. they had thought they had failed as parents, having raised a weird kid, who was always different and didn't want to fit in, and who never worked to full potential at school.
of course i was blamed for it, it was something that was wrong with my sense of responsibility (which i knew within myself i had, but the conflict of being told i'm lazy/immature/uncaring...etc, brought me to teenage and young adult depression).

i am almost done with my degree in psychology, and though my parents told me i would be a "doctor or a lawyer" all my life, they've sort of been forced to accept me and my skills. it's not like we are that close, but we talk sometimes. they have noticed a change in me since my diagnosis (which actually was a highly positive thing for me) and self and family awareness.

i was angry at them, but they have been just as confused as i have. i have not given up on trying to educate them about the condition. i email resources, send books, and try to talk about it whenever i can. since then my father and my brother have been diagnosed as well, and though my mom seems to think we are all absolutely insane, i think she's slowly facing the realities..

it does take time, and TONS of understanding. being angry won't help at all, except maybe initially to drive you to want to help them understand.

i know this is a situation many of us have lived. i hope the best for you!

I got practically NO reaction from my kids..LOL..It was like "hum, we KNEW there was something wrong with her all along"
My parents, I haven't told. I am waiting for one of the kids to say something in front of them! I was angry at them for a while, but my Dr said back when I was at school, even though I showed ALL the signs of ADHD, they wouldn't have even known what it was..so, being angry at them, will not help, as they knew no difference
I got over the anger :-)

I don’t ever plan to tell my patents, my mom is a really terrible untrustworthy person and if I tell my dad I will evenly leak it to my mom.

I just told my parents yesterday, after weeks of research and taking notes. I felt that the only way I could tell them without forgetting all of my reasoning was to write down exactly what I would say, point for point. I asked them in the beginning for their support on what I was about to say, and to please hear me out, because it was about a lifelong struggle of mine.

In third grade my teacher suggested I had ADD and suggested I be put on Ritalin. My mom had read about the side effects and wasn't going to let that happen. She insisted that boredom was the problem, rather than ADD. This time, when I presented my research, I had a list of symptoms (which described me to a T), a list of why it was affecting my life to an unreasonable degree (including the job I"d lost for being "slow"), and finally my concerns about diagnosis and medication.

I steadily went through one point after the other, and they listened. My mom pulled up site after site on ADHD. She even pulled up (on my request) a page on the benefits of ADHD, which raised our spirits even past the general sense of relief we all felt, being on the same page.

I included other sites for info to give them, but it turns out that my mom was the one who sent me twelve sites on ADHD. Some were informational, and some intended to help with organization.

I hope this helps with dealing with your parents. Sometimes the stubborn ones appreciate some info for support, and if they claim it to be overdiagnosed, tell them about how people have changed their lives through treatment. Then tell them why you feel that you should be asking about treatment. List things that you feel are currently out of your control, and mention that this has been something you've been trying your whole life to correct on your own.

Good luck!

I'm having a similar situation in some ways to this.

When I was diagnosed, I was almost slaphappy! I'm NOT lazy, stupid, unmotivated, careless, etc. I felt so relieved to know there was a reason I was how I was, and it wasn't because I was defective or otherwise intending to be a step out of 'whack'. For the bulk of my life, parents, teachers, relatives, my ex husband, were convinced that I was trying to be difficult, or so self-centered that I couldn't see other people's needs or wants.

Well, it has been kinda lingering as a form of slow-boiling anger since then. I'm angry because I grew up in a time where ADD/HD wasn't understood. I'm angry that I had Dr's and previous therapists who never had an inkling that there might be an underlying cause to my depression. I was angry that my parents' frustration with a child they didn't fully understand became part of the fabric of the person I am today, who often feels guilt and shame for never reaching the 'potential' others saw for me. Years of being reminded in ways both obvious and more subtle that something about me was behind everyone else built a framework that I am now having to repair. Yeah, I have issues.

I told my mother first. Telling either of my parents wasn't really a problem for me. I am certainly not ashamed of ADHD, and am frankly extemely happy I have a condition that I can easily explain. Heck, I am trying to become more educated so I can help other people before they get to my age in life and realize there isn't something defective about them...but I digress. My mom then informs me that my sister was diagnosed two years ago. There is a 15 year age difference between my sister and me, as well as the fact we had different fathers and were raised in different homes. I lived with my bio-dad when she was born, so our upbringings were different. We aren't close in the 'traditional' sense, just due to so many differences in the worlds we were born into.

So, my mother was extremely interested to know more, and my sister and I talked. I have encouraged her to seek further treatment, and referred her to my Dr. . Her med experience was bad, and I suspect her Dr. wasn't geared toward this specialization. Our mother smoked during both her pregnancies, and she is feeling extremely guilty about that being a contributing factor. I don't hold her too accountable. Medical advancements being what they are, they didn't have that information back then. And, learning what we have and knowing that side of the family as we do, there are most likely more than a few undiagnosed AHDH's on that side of the family.

My dad, on the other hand, was a different story. He didn't have much of a reaction, and I'm not sure he reallly cares too much. He mainly assumed ADD kids were always bouncing off walls so he didn't see how I could have ADD. He doesn't show too much emotion anyway, but I still have to 'retrain' him on how to treat me. My father teases me about many things that I now realize are just my ADHD expressing itself. I don't feel like 'taking' it anymore. I've let myself be the butt of many family jokes, and now I know what my 'deal' is. While I can laugh about it, I don't see any need to continue to provide fodder for something I have no control over. I mean, I am not sure they would laugh at the way I run if I were born with on leg shorter than the other.

So, while I have told my parents without regard to their reaction, at this point, I am fairly content with my course of action, which is to educate myself, educate them, and be a little kinder to myself as I find my new path.

When I told my mother that I think I have ADD... she said that I couldn't because I wasn't like my brother who was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. She argued with me for a few minutes and was telling me how smart I was that I couldn't possibly have it. I had to explain to her why I was almost eccstatic that I might have ADD.

My dad is in denial as well. When I told him I was going to make an appointment to see a psychyatrist, he told me they would soon have me so doped up that I wouldn't be able to think straight... It's hard to explain to him that I can't think straight (about the things I'm supposed to be anyways) right now.

But I too was the "lazy, irresponsible, dreamy, smart kid" that nobody understood. Having a brother who was almost my exact opposite didn't help either. His boundless energy and overzealous sense of responsibility seemed to compound how much of a "lazy procrastinator" I was.

They may never understand my(possible) ADD, but I don't guess it really matters as they have never understood me anyways.

They may never understand my(possible) ADD, but I don't guess it really matters as they have never understood me anyways.:faint: parents..sigh...my kids haven't said any more about my ADHD..:p sometimes now-a-days I feel like shouting it from the rooftops :D :D :D
I feel good about it...

:faint: parents..sigh...my kids haven't said any more about my ADHD..:p sometimes now-a-days I feel like shouting it from the rooftops :D :D :D
I feel good about it...I still haven't been diagnosed but have made an appointment. When I found out that I might have add I've started obsessing about it. I've gone over my entire life in my head wondering how my life might have been different if I was dxed sooner. I'm wondering if I might be getting my hopes too high, inthat I might not have ADD and that I'm setting myself up for a big let-down if the meds don't instantaniously make me perfect or any difference at all.:faint:

I do understand wanting to shout it from the rooftops even now, but I'm trying hard to keep my overactive mouth shut until I'm at least dx'ed. In the past I've had a history of blabbermouthedness, where I talk too soon before I know all the facts. AKA "Foot in Mouth Disease" :foot: I'm just happy to have found this forum filled with people that I can identify with, and hope that my expectations are not unreasonable.

If I do indeed have ADD then We'll just have to shout it from the rooftops together! :D

Rascal-

for sure it's different for each of us when explaining it to our folks. I told my mother "just got diagnosed with ADD, combined/mostly Inattentive...explains alot of my behavior and issues with things growing up." her first words: "well, you did always call yourself lazy" which I thought was particularly amusing since I NEVER called myself that...she did throughout my whole life. as soon as I told her, she went into defensive mode...total guilty conscience. even better cuz I don't hold any of it against her. How was she supposed to know back then? it's not her fault...

my dad was a bit different cuz my parents divorced when I was 2yrs old. I haven't had a lot of contact with him as an adult. Last summer we really started talking alot more. After I got dx'd, I started talking to him about it and found out he was on Lexapro for some anger/anxiety issues. Now one of life's little amusements is that I am exactly like my father in almost everyway...kinda irked my mom at times :) Since I knew how similar we are, after talking to him some about why he was taking the Lexapro, I was certain that he's Inattentive too. He's going back to his doc to talk about it soon. It was like a light bulb went off for him, too.

the good and the bad...it comes with everything. be happy you figured it out when you did, and just think of how much you can do from here!

Well thank you all for your comments. KC..it was like reading myself..I have a bunch of family in KC. I'm usually there at least once or twice a year. :)

Anyhow...I haven't even mentioned it to my dad again. I can't and won't change his attitude about it. If he shows interest or asks I will share, until then it's not an issue. At least I know now how to help myself.

Wow...been over a year since I've been here...and I feel like I never left!

For the record, I should be reading for my two classes tomorrow. But this thread...wow...so in tune with what I'm going through. Beware of a ramble...or rant...or both.... Thanks in advance for your patience....

So, I was dxd in 2000. Told my mom then and also gave her my copy of Driven to Distraction, asking her to read it. She had it for over a year, I think, and she never read it, so I took it back to lend to other ADDers who'd read it. This was during a time when she and her husband were just starting their logistics brokerage business.

Fast forward...Over the past 18 mos. or so I've been through a bunch of drama in my life, and my ADD-Inattentive and Bipolar II have certainly put in their two cents' worth throughout all of it. I work for my mother right now--her business is HUGE now, and I'm quite proud of her. However...

We've had our blow-outs...something that never happened as I was growing up. After one of those blow-outs I had asked her to consider researching ADHD to help her understand my moods/impulsivity/etc. Her husband has diabetes, and I drew a parallel between the benefits of taking the steps she needed to take to deal with his diabetes and the benefits of taking similar steps to learn about my ADD. I can only explain myself to her just so much. And I can only understand how she tries to communicate just so much. She said she was REALLY busy (like I couldn't tell that from working with her), a statement to which I had conceded before she even mentioned it. Still, she said something to the effect of "Yeah, I should do that, and maybe when things settle down I will." Honestly? I was only half encouraged.

Within the last few weeks she learned of a colleague who was supposed to have surgery for an aneurism. She and her husband/business partner went to Build-A-Bear where they built a teddy bear for this colleague to take to the hospital. Naturally, I was extremely concerned about the colleague and her aneurism...but something hit me later.... Mom was willing to take a few hours to go make bears, but she wouldn't even surf the www for ADD info.... It's not like there's nothing about ADD out there!

So naturally I got upset--and, I admit, probably blew things out of proportion--and told her this when she asked me a few days later if something was wrong. I told her how hurt and frustrated I was that she'd build a bear for someone else and not take the time to read a web page about something that is so HUGE in my life...and now that I work for her, it's HUGE in hers. Among other things/excuses/justifications, she said "she just doesn't do that"---just doesn't go to the internet to look up stuff; she doesn't have a college degree (never mind elementary students can look up stuff about their ADHD with almost no problems at all); she needs to be "told things;" doing all that is "just not" her.

OUCH. She'll spend hours looking online for their dream retirement home. She'll shop for hours online. She'll surf Yahoo! news, etc. She'll look at the freakin' weather channel website! She'll hunt for an online newpaper picture of her grandson. But she won't type in ADD and read about it. She's the "IT department" for her business, so she's not computer-challenged. But she "just doesn't" use the www for looking up information. And she obviously doesn't read books/doesn't have the time to read books about stuff--unless it's Tim Russert's latest book or that Tuesdays and Morrie book or whatever--because she had Driven for over a year when her business was just getting started. Gee whiz!! She must be a LOT busier now than I ever thought she was!

I know I should just get over it--something she has said to me all my life. Hah! I know very few ADDers and fewer BP II-ers that can "just get over it or let it go!" Ironically, if she'd spend a little time learning about her daughter's mind, she'd be able to understand that! I want to get past this, but it's really freakin' hard to do that when I see her so often. It's like I'm reminded of all this junk every time I see her.... But with school, having this job is really a dream situation in terms of scheduling my own hours....

Does any of this make sense?

Please point out where I'm being close-minded and unreasonable.... I know it's hard for any child to admit his/her parents aren't perfect.... But this stuff really bothers me....

Thanks for your efforts to make it this far in my post!

xo
smooch

-Smooch

I know exactly how you feel! My mother calls me at all times of the morning and nite for "computer help"... and i'll spend hours trying to walk her through a given task. This is also what I do when I come to visit her... I'll spend 15 min visiting and 3 hours fixing her computer mistakes and trying to teach her how not to mess it up again(which is very hard as she's undxed adhd as well).

When I found out I might have ADHD, I asked her to please just write a few paragraphs about how I was as a child... so I could have an unbiased testimony as to my symptoms growing up... She wrote one paragraph about how I was pretty much a disapointment growing up and how I still am.

When I told her that I actually wanted her to write about the parent teacher conferences she went to... she was like "you have to be kidding me! I've written about all I'm gonna write, and oh... My internet isn't working when are you gonna come up and fix it?":mad:

I got pretty ****ed about this and I just pretty much hung up the phone. The next time I called her... I told her that I was disappointed that she didn't care that I had a problem that was affecting my life... and that although I didn't blame her for letting me go undxed, I really didn't want to do anything else for her... because I really couldn't talk to her without resenting her apathy.

I'm not sure if it was the fact that I didn't blame her... or the fear that I wouldn't help her on her computer(I suspect the latter), but she said that she wanted to read "Delivered from Distraction", that I offered to lend her.

Anyways... the only advice I can offer is to let your mother know that you don't blame her for believing in the "add is overdiagnosed" phenomenon... but you do blame her for being apathetic to your situation... and that all you want is some understanding and support. Pretty much like me... you just want her to make an effort to understand someone she gave birth to.

Heh... or you could always threaten her with an absence of grandchildren.... forever:faint:

Anywhoo.... hope this helps:D

I´m not diagnosed yet, but I really hope it’s adhd. I’m diagnosed with braindamage, but lately my mother has admitted that I was "wierd" before that as well. I got really angry with her when I got my diagnosis for the brain thing, and she said: "I always knew there was something about you after that accident, I had many talks with your teatcher about it but we desided to let it play out". The thing is, she never did , even though my situation just got worse when I got older She is a very particular person who wants everything done her way, ofcourse for an ADHD child demands like that are hard to meet. So when I dodged chores she yelled at me for beeing lazy. The thing is , if I did them she would yell at me for doing it wrong.... so why bother? My mother and I are better now, but I don’t think she liked me when I was a kid. For my father, I think me havin ADHD would be a relief, he just can’t figure me out and his wife thinks I’m hopeless and lazy. She is however the kind of person who would dismiss something like ADHD in a second. But I have hopes. My current diagnosis is just to floaty for them to understand. No matter what, I don’t think I will ever get over veiwing my self as lazy, I was fat from when I was about eight so i think that is part of why people never did anything. I guess it’s not that hard to belive that the fat girl is just lazy.

Ohhh..smooch..I feel ya girl! and isn't it funny how all these feelings inside can be triggered by something as small as a bear??? But...you and I we see the significance and the meaning behind that stupid bear!

My parent's are drama people. Everytime someone they know is in trouble they feel like they have to rescue them. If someone gets sick, my step-mom is there acting like Mother Theresa. Her great-nephew (he is 5 now) was born and I'm not sure what the doc's said was wrong with him, but he definitely is developmentally slow and it's obvious. Anyhow, she would pick him up every week and take him for swim lessons and OF COURSE researched his condition online constantly giving his parents advice and telling them what to do...lol...she even "assessed" my little neice who is 18 months old. She wrote my sister a 3 page email about her "assessment" that she was not far enough along in her verbal skills, blah, blah...she knows this not because she is formally educated in the subject, but of course...she sits online for hours to read it!!! BUT...have a serious conversation to understand that maybe I was born with something different in my brain??? NOPE!!! What is with that???...LOL...I am actually going to see them today, we live 3 hours apart now and so I don't have that pleasure too much anymore. I might bring it up because it will be the first time I can to their faces and they can't avoid it...We shall see how it goes.....

i see it differently (not knowing the situation) - maybe they just want to believe that their little girl is "perfect"?

Well, i know I'm rather knew here, but I have to vent about something.

I am a 27 year old female recently diagnosed with ADHD. When I first started reading about the condition, the symptoms, the experiences others have had I cried. It felt as if everthing fell into place for me...it all seemed to make sense, if you will. After I got the phone call confirming my ADHD from the psychologist I felt a huge sense of relief and hopefulness. Within minutes, however, I felt a twinge of resentment towards my parents.

Let me explain...As a kid I experienced most of the classic symptoms and still do as an adult. I always scored real high on intelligence test, but failed at so many of the simple things in life. I grew up constantly being put down for who I was and who I am (mostly by my father and stepmother)...learning to love myself for who am, was and still is a daunting task. To be honest, my life at home was a living hell. I was physically punished, ridiculed, yelled at, sworn at, called names, grounded to my room for months at a time, etc.; all this on a regular basis. The biggest issues my parents had with me was my lack of responsibility, forgetfullness, talking back, not doing homework, not doing my chores right, etc. I was alienated from the rest of my family. I was the black sheep. I was the reason for anything that went wrong in the house. I was THE problem. All that crap led to a horrible adolescence..the details of which I won't get into.

NEway...I started to wonder how many things would have been different for me had someone figured this out before? Would I have been treated differently if they knew it was just the way my brain is wired? So, I decide not to get upset about the past...it is what it is and what matters is now right?

So, that brings me to now. I called my father and told him of the results of the testing and tried to talk to him about it. (we have a semi-decent relationship now). he kinda blew it off, but he was at work. So a few weeks go by and he didn't even bother to tell my step-mom and when I tried to tell her wasn't too interested. Her reply was "well, you know, that stuff is overdiagnosed." I tried to talk to him about it again and the same reaction. The both of them just blew it off, wouldn't talk about it. The whole tone of the conversation went dry each time I brought it up. I swear I would have gotten more conversation out of them if I told them I had a cold!

I guess I wish they would acknowledge this and it really hurts that they don't. My mom is pretty supportive, but she was always a little more long-suffering and patient with my shortcomings. I just want my dad and step-mom to acknowledge this and accept it...it's like they still can't accept ME. The thing is though, they are usually talkative people and get in long drawn out conversations about everybody's lives...why are they avoiding this???? Grrrr...Anyone have any thoughts or have the same experience?
Rascal,
you are not alone! I am 37, just dxd about a month ago, I have told my family, (parents, 2 sisters and 1 brother) and have pretty much gotten no response at all. No questions, no support of any kind, it just hasn't been discussed. I guess my dad didn't know cuz he was here the other day and I told him I was going to see the psychiatrist and he asked why and I told him I have ADD and he just rolled his eyes and made this sound that to me sounded like disgust. Well I had to leave so I just stormed off, which was a good thing because it gave us both a chance to think, if I'd said something right away I probably would have flown off the handle and so would he, since I get my temper from him!! When I came back we talked about it, I said "I am going to assume by your reaction that you think that ADD is bunch of BS?" He said "I don't know, I don't really know that much about it" to which I answered "well then maybe you should learn, I'll print something up for you from the internet!" He basically just hugged me, not sure if he appologized but to me the hug was an appology, my dad is not one to express himself very well, he's never told me he loves me, but I know he does. So this turned out to be a positive experience for me, it did not turn out like I thought it would, I really expected that we would disagree and he'd storm off. But instead I got a hug, it was cool. Now I'm not sure about the rest of the family, I don't know what they are thinking, I assume they are thinking it's BS, only because no one has really talked to me about it, when I've told them, they just don't say much of anything and then move on to something else. I am going to keep this experience with my dad in mind when approaching the subject again with another family member, maybe I am assuming wrong, maybe they just don't know how to react to it because they don't know that much about it.
Maybe your family just doesn't know what to say, or maybe they feel guilty about treating you the way they did and not getting you diagnosed when you were a kid, so now they just want to pretend it doesn't exsist. They just might need time to sort through it all in their heads. Give them time, that is what I am trying to do with my family. We just shouldn't assume what they are thinking because we are not in their heads and do not know.
Hope this helps.
Andrea

I think guilt is a very important factor in how parents react, and maybe also why they don’t do anything when the children are young. For my mother the guilt came from comparing me to my sister who was "perfect" in every way from the day she was born. She felt so guilty about thinking I was not as good at stuff as my sister, that I guess she did’nt want to add thinking I might not be normal and getting my brain examined to her burden. I think she was afraid I would feel like I wasn’t good enough, and what kind of mother would she be if it was nothing? The kind who could’nt live with having a child that wasn’t perfect? Does anyone understand what I’m saying? I don’t think my mother is the only one to feel like that.

In response to Rascal, when you become 'the problem' in a family you have 1) a history to overcome, to which only the evidence of improvement overcomes the 'yeah,yeah, heard that before' response, and 2) you are a very convenient mechanism to blame all your family problems on. If you vacate that role, the rest of the family either has to really look at themselves or find a new black sheep. A lot of families can't handle that kind of reality.


My experience is kinda the opposite--except my parents weren't around to tell any more when I learned I had ADD. But it sure shed a lot of light on why my mom was the way she was, and gave me more a more compassionate view of her. She had a lot of interests but from a kid's perspective, taking care of kids wasn't one of them. It wasn't that I didn't love her or think she loved me, she just seemed beyond reasonably incompetent and illogical at things that didn't strike her creative fire.

Now I know my mom gave me her creativity, her IQ, and her ADD--and a horror of becoming like her. There was a lot of incentive to find ways to cope with my own limitations. I often felt like I was parenting my mom.

If anyone had suggested ADD for myself or my mom, she would have refused to consider it unless treatment involved some force unknown to any but the ancients in some exotic land. And honestly, had she sat me down and said 'hon, I have ADD', I would have listened and looked it up on my own (didn't trust her 'medical' sources worth nuts).

BUT... it would have taken me awhile to distinguish it from all her other excuses, which had nothing to do with reality. How could they? If you don't know it's ADD, it's kinda like trying to run missing a leg when it looks like you've got two. How can you explain it your failures, even to yourself?

I remember watching kids at school trying to figure out how they managed to arrive on time with their hair combed, or how to have a polite conversation, or how to look like you belonged somewhere, or how to show up at school with food, because I sure wasn't going to learn it from my mom. I remember the shocking revelation in junior high that some people actually did complete the projects they started, and I remember thinking, "How do they do that?"

Many of my more aware memories of my mom come from the time she would have been approaching menopause. She got a lot worse as I got older. She was always looking for a holistic solution to an unknown health problem--and treating all of us--and she chose some very damaging therapies.

Learning about ADD was not only a "that's why I do that!" experience, it has also carried a lot of sadness about what my mom could have been. This isn't one of those 'I came from a horrible childhood' stories, because all in all I feel reasonably blessed in that area. But there is a lot of regret for what might have been.

OK first post here, but can completely sympathize with feelings of denial from a parent, being a disappointment to the family, etc.

Foghat - I almost fell over about the statement " and oh... My internet isn't working when are you gonna come up and fix it?" - seems like my life story but in a different way - it's not that my family doesn't believe that I'm ADD, it's that they refuse to accept any part of being responsible for how it shaped my adult life. I could tell them and they'd just say "so, we knew that's what was wrong with you all along" and then write me off with a guilt free excuse, which isn't going to happen. I need to work though that first beore I talk to them about it.

I was pretty much diagnosed when I drew my first breath as my mother had been prescribed amphetamines by her doctor during her last trimester. So out comes baby Meatghost the 'phine addict. When I hit 3rd grade, my teacher suggested Ritalin - which I was on for years, but never knew any difference and really wanted off so there wasn't a physical manifestation of my disappointment, inability to focus, do well in school regardless and so on. In Jr. High I just refused on the ground it should be my choice and that the teachers has skated me through just to pass me on - there was no behavioral therapy going on so it may have slowed me down, but not much.

Usual disappointments to my family followed and still do - I'll be 40 next spring.

About 6 weeks ago I started seeing a therapist for some behavioral therapy on my own for GAD - after a couple of weeks, ADHD came up and eventually, trying Ritalin again - after all, if it doesn't work, I have nothing to lose.

But it does work - so far and with it's own issues. I'm in no hurry to tell anyone in my family until I've had time to evaluate myself and see what my doctor thinks, I'm just curious if anyone in my family will notice a change come this Thanksgiving.

As a general response, by becoming the Identified Patient in the family, it tends to place the question of guilt or blame on each member and in turn their role is questioned. The easy way out is denial.

My apologies for the long post - I wish everyone the best in getting their familes to recognize that it's not only real, it's who you are. There's a reason we put our keys in our shoes :)

it's that they refuse to accept any part of being responsible for how it shaped my adult life. Meat, do you mean this as far as genetic responsibility or the 'phines in the womb?

That explains what I feel from mine, but not sure if I mean genetically; I think for me it was their responsibility in how they dealt with me as a child and how that made me who I am today and gave me layers of cr-ap to deal with as well as my ADD...I have thought about it and I'm not sure how guilt plays out with them. My parents don't admit they are wrong ever. They will manipulate and lie before admit the truth. Is that guilt? What is that?

Maybe their denial of it is more of maintaining the lie. If they accept it and learn about it, then they have to admit years of mistakes they made with me.

I think this also ties in with Charon's comment, "when you become 'the problem' in a family you have 1) a history to overcome, to which only the evidence of improvement overcomes the 'yeah,yeah, heard that before' response, and 2) you are a very convenient mechanism to blame all your family problems on. If you vacate that role, the rest of the family either has to really look at themselves or find a new black sheep. A lot of families can't handle that kind of reality."

Who can they blame for the family dysfunction in the past? They have to look at themselves and they cannot deal with it. I live in a different state so I have removed myself from the drama and cannot be the black sheep anymore because I'm not there. (actually, lately it has been my sister, who over the years has seemed to be the one to fill the role when I wasn't available!)

I have come to the conclusion that the relief of knowing what "my problem is" and how to treat it, is for ME. It is MY life that is affected whether I am around them or not. THEY can come later. I think I also might need to work through being mad at them and angry for how they treated me before I can tell them, "hey, it's okay, I don't blame you...what matters is now." I want to, but honestly I am not thier yet. I am still pretty angry and resentful.

LOL, the last post I wrote I was going out to see them. It was a really nice visit (they seem to be much more pleasant since I see them a lot less). Anyhow, my dad and step-mom kept commenting on how well I seem, how proud of me they are...etc. My dad said, "it seems like your life is really coming together for you."

I never brought up the ADD, even in response to his comments and I'm not sure he even put 2 and 2 together, but I just smiled inside. Ya think it has anything to do with having started treatment for ADD??? I hope that if I continue to progress and they continue to recognize it, they will open their minds....until then, I focus on ME. :p

rascal i will give you my take, and sorry if someone has said something to the same effect already.

Before I was officially diagnosed, I was sent to a therapist to figure out exactly what the problem with me was. She felt it was ADD and refered me to a psychiatrist. The reaction of my parents was you don't have it, we would have noticed, and wrote it off. The therapist eventually refered me to a specialist which said there was no question I had it. When i went back to talk to the therapist about this she said it was probably painful for them, since i am being diagnosed at age 20, because for them it was a failure to never notice something wasn't right when the specialist and the therapist are saying it's so clear, why did you never get tested before? When they "came to terms with it" they decided i musn't have always had it, which obviously makes no sense at all. The idea that parents might feel like they have failed you and therefor don't even want to discuss it makes sense to me.