I hope the title of this thread drew you in. I was not sure how to begin. The line that really stuck with me from my therapy session yesterday was-

To survive where you are right now, you must create your own paradise.

I never thought I would say this much personal stuff on the forum, but I know enough of you well enough now to know that you all really care and will be understanding and supportive. You don't have to have any answers, just be here for me. Thanks so much.I am going to bullet what is going on so this is easier to read and understand.

One of my children is still at home, a junior in high school.
My husband is very emotionally and physically distant
My marriage has been very tough since year 1, we are up to 28. I have and still consider the possiblitity of divorce.
I have lived 25 years in a town I never wanted to move to let alone live in.
Since 1999 I started to achieve what I had to wait so long for and the bumps in road that I have hit.

Master's degree-2002-no ADD diagnosis-sheer hard work for my 4.0! And I loved every minute of it! It was one of the most positive things I have ever done-and one of the toughest.
Substitute taught while looking unsuccessfully for a job in a very depressed area with few opportunities especially for women
June 2004-spent the summer getting my teaching certificate
04-05 school year-internship year teaching at full pay-very tough poverty school, poorly mediated ADD. Ended year with anxiety disorder. Lived near St. Louis, spent weekends at home with family-80 miles one-way.
05-06 school year-wealthy school, loved teaching, loved my kids. Better school situation. Political garbage=no job for 06-07. Lived in Springfield 145 miles one-way. Home on weekends. I shared a house with a close friend, we are a lot alike and it was a lot of fun.



Moved back home in June-really missed my daughter, but it was hard leaving Springfield.
Was very ill with severe drug interaction. Spent summer recovering, finding new docs, adjusting to new meds. To emotionally exhausted and sick to job search. Plus-no positions in my areas available.
Now I am substitute teaching in a town I thought I would not return to-husband was going to get job in Springfield-many reasons. I should get much busier soon!
Was welcomed warmly by the high school teachers-very comforting.
House is partly fixed up from severe basement flooding!
Still have tons of boxes to unpack and so much stuff to organize-overwhelmed
No jobs available for my education and experience outside of the educational field.
I fight various levels of emotional paralysis everyday-meds are working-this is within me because of the situation. I am not like this when I get out of town or visit friends.
My husband rarely discusses things with me unless I start conversation-I don't have the emotional energy to do this anymore. Very little physical affection unless I initiate it.
Daughter has stopped being angry and disrespectful to me! This is very good.
How do I create my own paradise? That is the question!

I know some of what I want to do but I need to earn more money than subbing pays. I will look for a teaching job beyond these geographic boundaries next spring. So my survival time is finite unless I don't find a job-god or goddess forbid. Moving back here just feels like I am back where I started, in a town I really don't want to live in again, like my life has stopped.

These are the things I want or would like to do and in many ways the above things are interrelated.

Focus on my art-really develop my vision and proficiency. Digital and fiber arts-multi-media pieces based on folk tales and Bradbury's short stories
Spend time reconnecting with my family.
Pursue writing-I love to write-would like to start with articles
Start a website-multi-faceted-addressing my art, teaching, and helping adults and teens with ADD-from the career/learning style/personality angle. It would include my resume and portfolio for job searching too.
Finish decorating the house-I have the plans, fabrics, etc. My own little HGTV show.
Find something fun related to my art or whatever that gets me out of this town at least monthly. Therapist recommended.
Continue job searching-put out feelers for teaching jobs early-get known! Illinois side of St Louis or Springfield preferably.
The things below are my struggles and are what I feel is making everything so hard for me right now.

How to talk to my husband-about almost everything. Part of this is me, part is him. Otherwise, how will I reconnect.
My need for affection-and this is not to be confused with sex.
Finish organizing my studio/sewing area so I can be productive-getting there-but emotionally and physically draining.
Go through all the boxes and get things sorted and put away-unfortunately, this is all on my shoulders and I struggle with it everyday. I can't even face it most days. But it will make it much easier to keep the house livable.
I am so lonely-perhaps more subbing jobs will help. But I need peers too. This forum has made such a difference, but I also need human contact.
Develop a "me" friendly schedule that will help me stay on track-I am a schedule/routine rebel, unless they are natural or flexible.
The biggest battle I have is with myself, the feeling that I will fail despite all my hard work. That I will be stuck in this town the rest of my life. And especially, how do I start to really function well everyday-or at least reasonably well and not let all this drag me down?

I don't know where to begin. It is getting a bit easier with the correct meds, but the years of our marriage have been so emotionally draining that I feel I have nothing left for much of anything. It is like a dump truck just poured this whole load of dirt in my yard and I have a spoon instead of a shovel or even a backhoe.

Enough said, thank you for being here for me.
RADD

Wow, what you wrote really got to me. It sounds as though your spirit hasn't given up even while going through such hard times. This is a good thing. The optimist that lives inside me says that everything will work out for you.

I can understand the relationship problems that you are having although my relationship compared to yours is very new. My man and I started having problems fairly quickly (some due to him, and some due to me). The sexual feelings I had for him were dying out (almost dead) and even if he tried to iniatiate it I was in too much turmoil in my relationship to let go and enjoy. Our physical relationship began to feel like a chore just to avoid an argument. We began therapy together about 2 months ago and it is completely different (for the better). I feel more close to him emotionally than I ever thought I could feel... Because of that I feel much more desire for him sexually. It has ceased to feel like a chore. I really don't know if it is because I have changed the most or he has, but none of that matters to me anyways. I learned through therapy how to change myself into a happy and optimistic person. Ever since then everything else in my life is just falling into place. My relationship with my family is better and there are more opportunities to enrich my life than I ever thought possible.

Why not do all of the things you want to achieve? You can do it! Don't stop believing in yourself and what you are capable of. Just go one step at a time and one day at a time.

Good luck to you!

(sorry if there is grammatical errors. I did not proofread what I wrote and I also know I am horrible with the punctuation.) :o

Radd,
Well, there is only one person that can help you find your paradise, YOU. Try to be patient and it will arrive in time. Maybe you could go spend a weekend alone at a spa or something, sometimes being alone helps you clear your mind out.
I know what you mean, I have never liked anywhere I have lived. Maybe it's just me. But, I believe part of why we stay places we don't like is because, there is something we are supposed to learn from them.
My hubby and I went to a marriage retreat and we loved it. One thing we noticed was how much couples who had been married for a long time reconnected. Just a thought..... Is he willing to go to counseling?
My intuition, like Sehrita's tell me that you will be okay. I think you will come out of all of this a much stronger person, and someone who knows and loves who they are.
I know it's hard, I struggle with it everyday.
Hugs,
Chele

maybe we should form a club - add ladies who intensely dislike the town they live in and are having some difficulties with their (long-lived) marriages..... :p my marriage is anything but smooth. rocky would be more like it.

hang in there, radd. you will find your place in the sun.

RADD I guess I am site seeing the forum today because I couldn’t even begin to tell you how I ended up here.(no matter)

My thoughts are:

For some one who is experiencing so much feelings of stress and being buried in your personal life you always find it in you to reach out to others in a positive productive way.

You are witty and funny

At least you have an idea of what you want and do not want this is more of a start than many of us have. I also believe the only way to reach a destination is to know where it is you want to go or (at least have it narrowed down to those places you do not wish to go).

I think you would be a pretty cool teacher some how art fits you.

I feel some need to say that :

It is one thing to be positive and encouraging when life is sunny side up it is altogether another to continue to encourage others and be a positive influence when life more closely resembles scrambled! The latter is the most admirable and the hardest to accomplish.

Hope that wasn't too corny sounding some times these things just pop into of my mind , then out onto the screen. Some parts of my ADD simply cannot be touched by meds – (shrug honestly impulsive?).

How do I create my own paradise?... be able to reach inside and define stuff which you think'd be fun - don't plan - or force things - and don't feel any remorse if you don't finish some project - it's due to the fun dissipating ... ... ... and it dissipates for a very real reason ... ahhh! fun ... I remember it well ... :-) ... ADDF t::ABF #44 (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=115500&postcount=44)
'Can we come back to 'fun' in another thread sometime soon?'

... been chasing fun for a good couple of years now - and we kinda' figured it out ... just 'learning' ...{broad-sense} ... ...

... perhaps not much more is required by way of explanation in the presence of the eclectic educator ... ps erad (extreme rapid application development - for ADD systems analysts) ... ... ... totally extreme ... dude ... and check out ADDF t::We create our own reality [Nova] ... ... ...

I strongly suspect that your own paradise
will exist within your own rrreality ... ... ...
will be found within your own mind ... ... ...

SB.

I am not sure what to say! Thank you. I am deeply, deeply touched. You helped me see things about me I have not seen. I know I am not alone! It will be easier with friends like you all being there for support. Today is better-I got to teach and really enjoyed it!

Meadd, you are right, I do need to teach art-but loved actually teaching the English class today. I do know I really want to help kids learn how to study, manage their time, become confident in their skills, and spend less time on homework and more time being kids! So many smart kids who struggle and work so hard, so many kids who need confidence and someone to believe in them!

I am going to talk to my NT DH about only a few things tonight-he can't handle too much at once. I have to get my session proposals finished and turned in tomorrow for the teacher conference-On ADD from my perspective and how to really help kids in the reg ed class! If I get those 2 things done, I will have made some progress!

Thank you-I am thinking of this paradise as an oasis-a wonderful place in the middle of a desert! I do have a spa certificate to redeem. I am less worried about the money.

Just knowing you all care really, really, helps. Thank you so much-I need to let all the good things you all said soak into my heart. Then we can start that club!

Becky

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/nevercryava.jpg

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y9...nevercryava.jpg
It was a little box that said moved or deleted! I copied and pasted it and the link came up-stupid internet!

Is it me or the internet-links are not working except for your tube one. this is what I got! Thanks for the thought!

Freaking wtf? This happens in some sections of the board, we cannot properly post attachments :mad:...try THIS (http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/nevercryava.jpg).

You just need the magic touch... :-)

<img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/nevercryava.jpg">

You just need the magic touch... :-)

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/nevercryava.jpgOr a helpful mod as a pal ;).

Thank you! the link still doesn't work-need to run a diagnosic or clean my temp files or something-this usually does not happen with my computer.

I just wanted to reply.

I read your post, and felt the need to post something.

Of course, I waited a bit untill I could find the words. Saying one thing, and meaning something else happens often, so...

Anyways, I just wanted to say, I understand how you feel, and I know of that "place" you are/was in.

By place I mean. that feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where you have this itch, your entire soul itches, and you cant seem to reach that specific spot and cant get the relief, no matter how hard you feel you are scratching.

Bleh, I cant seem to convey the message I am trying here, but, I wanted to add....

"For some one who is experiencing so much feelings of stress and being buried in your personal life you always find it in you to reach out to others in a positive productive way...."

Meadd823, said this really well, and I too feel it is very true.

So just wanted to add in my 2 cents... although, I dont think I made much sense?

Oh well! Just read my mind for me okay?! :D

Thank you V-so very much. Everyone has made me feel more hopeful-and not so alone. I truly am at a loss for words. How can I express what your encouragement means to me? Sending big cyber hugs to all of your {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}. RADD-sniff.

At least you have an idea of what you want and do not want this is more of a start than many of us have. I also believe the only way to reach a destination is to know where it is you want to go or (at least have it narrowed down to those places you do not wish to go).

It is one thing to be positive and encouraging when life is sunny side up it is altogether another to continue to encourage others and be a positive influence when life more closely resembles scrambled! The latter is the most admirable and the hardest to accomplish.

Meadd,

I just have to say.... What you wrote really makes alot of sense and is also well said.



RADDmom,

I love how you state your feelings so well. You are one of a kind, witty, and also sensitive to others. I wish you all the best in your quest for paradise. I do think that if you look close enough you can find little nuggets of "paradise" in the day to day living of your life. Hang on to those happy moments and don't let them go. I actually started a "happy jar" where I write down happy moments on little pieces of paper and seal them in a jar. Every time I feel down and out I open up the jar and take out one of the pieces of paper and read a random happy moment. Doing this immediately makes me feel more upbeat and positive about my life.

RADDmom, I'm also a schedule/routine rebel. Do you think that having a set of different schedules / plans for routine work, so that you have something to choose from might work? I haven't tried it; not consciously anyway, but I've thought about it. I think it would work better than trying to stick to one routine at least.

I am going to talk to my NT DH about only a few things tonight-he can't handle too much at once. I have to get my session proposals finished and turned in tomorrow for the teacher conference-On ADD from my perspective and how to really help kids in the reg ed class! If I get those 2 things done, I will have made some progress! I hope both these things went well.

The school your working in really have a treasure in you! It's so nice to know that those kids have someone who really understands them.

Hey RADD,


I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. TEchnology is not always in my favor.

I think you are an amazing mentor. You helped me with my own artistic blocks AND anxieties about college even with all the anxieties in your own life. You are a true caregiver.

I agree with SB that your paradise will come from inside you and work it's way into reality. That sounds flighty and "Oprah-ish" but that's because it's difficult to explain.

I am currently working on creating my own paradise. With smalll barely noticable changes. But litttle changes over time add up. I have started walking everyday and meditation when I have the chance and those small steps ahve helped me bit by bit.

It's the realization that the change has to come from inside. It's hard. Damn hard. There's so much baggage we all carry that keeps us from being good to ourselves and believing we even deserve our paradise. I think that's what need to happen. WE have to get to a point where we know we deserve our paradise.:)

Hang in there RADD

Again, thank you! Ifound this poem by Emily Dickinson today-it is the intro to a book by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander, The Art of Possibility-An awesome read-and a good guide to creating my paradise. This is the poem:

I Dwell in Possibility

I dwell in Possibility-
A fairer House than Prose-
More numerous of Windows-
Superior-for Doors'

Of Chambers as the Cedars-
Impregnable of Eye-
And for an Everlasting Roof-
The Gambrels of the Sky-

Of Visitors-the fairest-
For Occupation-This-
The spreading wide my narrow Hands-
To gather Paradise-

-Emily Dickinson

... in Possibility**ADDF

... it works ...:-)...

... in Possibility not Prose ...
More Windows,Doors ...
... Chambers and Sky of mind ...
Of Visitors-the fairest
For Occupation ... *This*
... my own Hands gathering my own Paradise

SB.

Radd, I can see my marrage up to about 3 years ago in your words. Our relationship our marrage me. It takes allot heart to come to an understanding which you have acheived and I know you'll finish strong. Thanks for shareing.

I got those spine chills when I read that poem-it was the perfect metaphor for creating my paradise now. I am reading, The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander. He was a conductor of the Boston Philharmonic and teacher, Rosamund is a family therapist. It is becoming one of my guides to creating my paradise.This post is based on what I learned in the first chapter of the book, It's All Invented.

'Einstein told Heisenberg that it was nonsense to found a theory on observable facts alone: "In reality the very opposite happens. It is theory which decides what we can observe."' (page 11)

My paradise is a construct, it is the story I will tell, because I am shifting my current assumptions about the situation. I will redirect my thinking that is based on the facts I currently observe through my senses. In my new construct, or theory I will choose from the facts my senses take in and Spread wide my Narrow Hands to use those facts as I Gather Paradise. I will invent this space, this paradise to be a place of Possibility that will feed my heart and soul.

RADD

Thanks Dave and SB. Very much. Thank you to all for sharing so much from your hearts. :) {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

RADD, it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing, because the first step to acheiving our goals is articulating them. You've clearly thought long and hard about what you really want, so now you'll be better able to figure out how to get there. Socrates said "An unexamined life is not worth living." You're making your life worth living!

Thanks Faylen-I end up thinking about things too much though-gotta get some ADD action, that will lead to satisfaction. I hear unpacked boxes calling today!


Yes, I murder lyrics-so arrest me!:D