I always feel like I am just a disappointment and a huge frustration to the world around me. I cause my boyfriend so much stress and anxiety without ever intending to do so. When he gets mad at me it always feels like it is comming out of nowhere and by the time I realize what I did the damage is already done. The thing that sucks is that it happens All the time. I cause problem which makes the person mad, then I argue about how I didn't cause a problem, and then later I realize that I did... After all that I then I go and apologize, but I can see the sadness in their face and their disappointment in me.

I notice the top problems I cause is that I will skip steps in a conversation that I already processed in my head therefore confusing people. They tell me I don't make any sense and ask me what I am talking about and then I get defensive instead of trying to see where I confused the person. Another problem I cause is that I always interrupt. I always try not to, but it always happens. Over and over and over again. Last huge problem I cause is that I talk way too much and overwhelm people because they never get a chance to speak.

Do any of you guys have this problem? Have you found a way to control it? If so, how do you control it so you don't alienate people?

Well I cant say say I have the problem of overtalking (although I do tend to answer questions to soon and finish other poeple sentences. But I also feel like a I often disappoint those around me and am also caught off gaurd when I do. I know I alienate some of my co-workers because "I am not all there". I wish I had an answer to your question but I have only been diagonsed a few months myself and have yet to find a med that works. I am assuming you are being treated or diagnosed but I do suggest you and you boyfriend learn as much as you can about ADHD and realize the ADD brain is wired differently that most folks and do the best to overcome it.

Well I cant say say I have the problem of overtalking (although I do tend to answer questions to soon and finish other poeple sentences. But I also feel like a I often disappoint those around me and am also caught off gaurd when I do. I know I alienate some of my co-workers because "I am not all there". I wish I had an answer to your question but I have only been diagonsed a few months myself and have yet to find a med that works. I am assuming you are being treated or diagnosed but I do suggest you and you boyfriend learn as much as you can about ADHD and realize the ADD brain is wired differently that most folks and do the best to overcome it.
I take strattera and wellbutrin which seem to help... to a point. My boyfriend and I are going to couples therapy which does help tremendously, but I wish I could find a way to prevent these problems from even occuring. My boyfriend does have slight anxiety disorder which gets triggered by my add moments. I just wish I could find a way to make things less stressful for him.

I think i can seem to have a bit of an attitude about this but here goes anyway....

I can completely relate to the things you have said, i also have the problem in understanding whats being said to me, a good way to demonstrate it i actually found in an episode of Charmed, early in series 8 Paige in on a date and the bloke is really boring. So instead of hearing his words she just sees his lips moving but can only hear "blah blah blah..."
Ok, there IS a point to this, i'm just trying to remember it...oh yes, these things (amongst others) caused huge problems in my last relationship, to the point that combined with everything else going on i became a suicidal wreck, i really did believe i was a pathetic waste of space that shouldn't be taking up the earths resources.
Now it's blaming myself, focusing on how defectrive I am and letting people convince me that the responsability for the problem is ALL mine that left me like that. But i have realised something, nobody is perfect, my imperfections just tend to be very obvious. Thing is, i really don't care. I can't change myself, i am what i am, if somebody wants to be with me, accept me warts and all. If a partner loves you then they will do their best to work out how to manage the areas that are problematic without putting you down or making you feel constantly defective.
Life for people in our situation is hard enough without accepting those who are supposed to love us making us feel even worse.
I think from the tone of your post you accept too much on yourself. The problems you describe i imagine can be overcome simply by your partner for example letting you know you have skipped a few steps in a conversation, in a gentle way, then you not getting defensive as you know you do this, laugh it off and just go over what you meant to say again. No biggie.
When you interrupt, accept people letting you know (and their part is having patience and gently pointing it out) and then let them finish what they were saying.
If you and the people you love talk about the problems and work out ways to overcome them then i'm sure in time it will work out.

sehrita,

I can chew your ear off. Some people don't mind my endless tangents other's hate it.

Hang in there, girl. Were in this for the long haul.

Bob

I think i can seem to have a bit of an attitude about this but here goes anyway....

I can completely relate to the things you have said, i also have the problem in understanding whats being said to me, a good way to demonstrate it i actually found in an episode of Charmed, early in series 8 Paige in on a date and the bloke is really boring. So instead of hearing his words she just sees his lips moving but can only hear "blah blah blah..."
Ok, there IS a point to this, i'm just trying to remember it...oh yes, these things (amongst others) caused huge problems in my last relationship, to the point that combined with everything else going on i became a suicidal wreck, i really did believe i was a pathetic waste of space that shouldn't be taking up the earths resources.
Now it's blaming myself, focusing on how defectrive I am and letting people convince me that the responsability for the problem is ALL mine that left me like that. But i have realised something, nobody is perfect, my imperfections just tend to be very obvious. Thing is, i really don't care. I can't change myself, i am what i am, if somebody wants to be with me, accept me warts and all. If a partner loves you then they will do their best to work out how to manage the areas that are problematic without putting you down or making you feel constantly defective.
Life for people in our situation is hard enough without accepting those who are supposed to love us making us feel even worse.
I think from the tone of your post you accept too much on yourself. The problems you describe i imagine can be overcome simply by your partner for example letting you know you have skipped a few steps in a conversation, in a gentle way, then you not getting defensive as you know you do this, laugh it off and just go over what you meant to say again. No biggie.
When you interrupt, accept people letting you know (and their part is having patience and gently pointing it out) and then let them finish what they were saying.
If you and the people you love talk about the problems and work out ways to overcome them then i'm sure in time it will work out.
The problem I am running into is that he does tell me when I interrupt. He will say something like "hold on, let me finish what I was saying". Sometimes I am fine and just say "oops go ahead".. and other times I get all mean. When I skip steps he does tell me that he doesn't understand how I got to where I am, but instead of me processing this and then explaining how I got there I get all loud, defensive, and angry. As for the talking too much he will say something like "I am feeling a little anxious, lets just take the talking alot down a notch" (something along those lines). So you see, he does try to point things out so that I can correct.... The prob is that I hear it and just ignore it because I am all caught up in what I am saying or for some reason, I feel like I am being attacked. This is a huge problem of mine, me feeling attacked for no reason. I am extremely defensive and insist that I am always right, because if I admit I am wrong then I feel stupid.... Rediculous isn't it?

Yesterday I caused two major fights and he was at the point of just giving up on me. Last weekend I caused another issue and he got so upset he cried.. he said he feels so lost as to how to get through to me and that he feels like I am emotionally running him over with my defensive ways. I want to change, I really do, but I keep seeming to slip back into old patterns of bad behavior. He and I both know tons about my ADD and he is fine with everything (such as talking alot, interrupting, etc and will point it out if I do so) he just isn't fine with my behavior that isn't a part of the ADD. Make sense??

I just know I have to fix my bad behavior or I will loose him for good and that is the last thing I want to do.:(

Sehrita,

I completely understand what you're going through. I do the same thing. I don't want to get defensive or take things the wrong way, I just do. And the more I am anxious or stressed, the more that happens, so it's kind of a viscious cycle. Get defensive "no reason," get stressed and worried because I hurt the person, either have a hard time getting past my hurt feelings or can't apologize properly, get defensive for "no reason"...

I think I just worry so much about getting in trouble or doing things right, that I take every negative thing said to me to heart, whether it's meant that way or not. Do you find yourself doing that too?

I have gone to a few sessions of an adult ADHD support group, and they said it's actually common for people with ADHD to get defensive easily or take things the wrong way, especially if diagnosed later in life. All the time of knowing you should be able to do more and all the time of getting in trouble for things you had no clue about or not control over leads to defensiveness and an unhealthy fear of being in trouble.

I'm working on all those things myself, I wish I could give you advice, but I don't know how to change it either. Just thought I would let you know you are not alone!

Sehrita,

I completely understand what you're going through. I do the same thing. I don't want to get defensive or take things the wrong way, I just do. And the more I am anxious or stressed, the more that happens, so it's kind of a viscious cycle. Get defensive "no reason," get stressed and worried because I hurt the person, either have a hard time getting past my hurt feelings or can't apologize properly, get defensive for "no reason"...

I think I just worry so much about getting in trouble or doing things right, that I take every negative thing said to me to heart, whether it's meant that way or not. Do you find yourself doing that too?

I have gone to a few sessions of an adult ADHD support group, and they said it's actually common for people with ADHD to get defensive easily or take things the wrong way, especially if diagnosed later in life. All the time of knowing you should be able to do more and all the time of getting in trouble for things you had no clue about or not control over leads to defensiveness and an unhealthy fear of being in trouble.

I'm working on all those things myself, I wish I could give you advice, but I don't know how to change it either. Just thought I would let you know you are not alone!
Thank you, it makes me feel slightly better to know I am not alone in this.

I was actually diagnosed when I was 5 years old and now I am 30. I talked with my mother about my defensive behavior and she did tell me that I have come a looong way from when I was a kid. I told her about what I did last night to cause such drama and she wasn't surprised in the least.... She told me that I need to find a way to grow into a better person. She suggested to me that I should probably think about finding someone that could help me with behavior modification or some sort of ADD coach. I belong to Kaiser and I am going to look into seeing if they have any of these two.

What kind of tone is he using when he points out that you've interrupted or skipped steps? Does he sound irritated?

How about if you where to say something like "I'm feeling attacked now, I don't want us to fight so I will go somewhere else for a while."? Or even if you don't say that maybe you could decide together that if you start feeling attacked, that you later feel was out of proportion, you take steps to not act on it, like getting away from him for awhile, and he does not berate you for feeling attacked, but let's you calm down.

What kind of tone is he using when he points out that you've interrupted or skipped steps? Does he sound irritated?

How about if you where to say something like "I'm feeling attacked now, I don't want us to fight so I will go somewhere else for a while."? Or even if you don't say that maybe you could decide together that if you start feeling attacked, that you later feel was out of proportion, you take steps to not act on it, like getting away from him for awhile, and he does not berate you for feeling attacked, but let's you calm down.
No his tone is actually quite calm and non attacking. We have talked to the therapist on how he should make his requests and he has been following it to a "T". He is certainly not berating me.

I talked to my mom about this and she says I do the same thing to her. She told me that I am like a walking time bomb where anything can trigger my attitude. I really need to fix this.

Count me in, Sehrita. You're not alone! My husband and I both have ADD and so we're both constantly debating simple and complex issues. But unlike him, I interrupt more than he does. I also take things he says as personal attacks. I read WAY too much into tones and such and then go on the attack. Fortunately, when I'm not listening like I shoudl or I'm interrupting he'll remind me, "Hey, ADD. You're not listening." or "Hey, ADD woman, you're interrupting again. Can you focus?!!" And then I realize what I'm doing. Fortunately, he's extremely patient and because he understands the disorder so well he can patiently rein me in when I'm out of control and such.

Ah, ok, yeah it does sound like you need to work on it then. Not wanting to sound like i'm attacking you, really i'm not, i say it because i do share similarities, except its only very occasionally i get like that. Most of the time i'm quite reasonable i think, and i laugh at myself lots which helps (plus, if you can laugh at yourself it almost turns it into a positive quality). From what you say your fella actually sounds great.
I really hope you manage to sort this out, maybe there can be a diffusing trigger (i have no idea if thats a real term i just made it up) say like making a cup of tea, or going into the bathroom for 5 minutes.
Good luck hun, fingers crossed for you.

No his tone is actually quite calm and non attacking. We have talked to the therapist on how he should make his requests and he has been following it to a "T". He is certainly not berating me.

I talked to my mom about this and she says I do the same thing to her. She told me that I am like a walking time bomb where anything can trigger my attitude. I really need to fix this.I meant that if you were to use some kind of diffusing trigger (Good wording ChloeDharma!) that would involve you leaving the situation for a while he should not comment on it in ways like "Come on, why do you feel attacked by that for, don't be ridiculous!" or "Why do you have to run away?"

It sounds like he wouldn't if you'd agree on something like that.

I meant that if you were to use some kind of diffusing trigger (Good wording ChloeDharma!) that would involve you leaving the situation for a while he should not comment on it in ways like "Come on, why do you feel attacked by that for, don't be ridiculous!" or "Why do you have to run away?"

It sounds like he wouldn't if you'd agree on something like that.
I have talked with our therapist about the possibility of walking away until I cool off (which my bf has no problem with).... The problem is that I never realize when that is happening until it is too late :confused: This is one of the reasons why my bf will give me a nice cue (as suggested by therapist) so that I become aware that I am starting to go off the deep end... I don't notice when he is doing it or I just get even more crazy. She (the therapist) told me that maybe I should really pay closer attention to his body language to see when he is feeling stressed... I guess what I need to do is somehow stomp down my natural defensive reactions and pay attention. I am so afraid that that will never happen.

Gee, this sounds so much like me, and I'm NOT ADD?. I get excited listening sometimes and don't want to wait to share my opinion about whatever is being discussed at the moment that I would interrupt. Guess I'm just ill-mannered when I do that. ;) I also get very defensive very easily, and feel any criticism about me is a direct attack on my worth. People could just be joking or teasing, but I would take it very strongly. I need to laugh at myself and not take myself so seriously. Just wished I had an automatic switch OFF on all the negative stuff I say to myself. LOL

Sehrita, from what you have posted, I get a good feeling about how you are working on relationship issues. You show good insight into the problems: eg. slipping back into old behaviour patterns. It takes time and practice to learn new behaviours. Your partner sounds like a great guy who is trying hard, too.

Just a thought: have you had difficulty with stimulant meds? I find my stimulant med. helps me with communication.