My 4 year old is in preschool. I wasnt going to put her in but I knew she needed the socialization. She has been home with me until now. She has been diagnosed as ADHD and OCD, still watching her for Asperger's. At home she is bouncing off the walls, in your face, aggressive, and antagonistic with her sister, unable to focus or concentrate. If we go to the park or see friends with kids she is overbearing and in their faces. At school...she is standing back from the kids, acting shy, and following the teachers around. I had to have a meeting with her mental health worker and she basically made me feel stupid because my daughter is behaving fine there. Im worried she thinks there is somethinig wrong with her home life now. There isnt, that I can see. She isnt abused, neglected, her father and I get along well, so there isnt a lot of tension at home. Im not sure what is going on, but as soon as she leaves school she is antagonizing her sister. This lady also impled that her OCD (which manifests itself differently than mine) is from watching me?!

Im frustrated and just venting mainly. Wondering if anyone else has had experiences like this with their kids. I kind of wish I hadnt told them anything.

You are most definately not alone. My 10yo daughter is not hyperactive at school but is hyperactive and annoying to her sister at home. In new situations she acts better until she gets comfortable, then the opposition and activity starts but at a low level. She seems "let it all hang out" with those who she lives with. Last year, the stress of school sent her into anxiety and towards depression. When asked directly about school, she likes it and the teachers, so we could not figure out the problem. When asked indirectly by the psychologist about school and the teacher, the psychologist found that all of the indirrect questions indicated a real distaste for the school situation. The teacher from last year still thinks my daughter was a just quiet child that just refuses to take responsibilities for herself, because she never saw the stressed out, angry, hyperactive, frustrated child that we had at home.

Thank you for responding. It is nice to know I am not alone!! I just feel like the school thinks I am nuts. She is behaving so differently there than she does anywhere else. It is absolutely amazing.

I had a very good meeting with my daughter's new teacher and the RSP teacher yesterday. The RSP teacher told me that my daughter could not be ADHD because she is not hyperactive. I went over the terms as used in the DSM IV (ADHD: primarily hyperactive, primarily inattentive and combined) and said that my daughter is diagnosed as combined. I also told her that the school principal had observed my daughter in class as totally non-particapatory and inattentive: and that I understood they never see the hyperactivity. She understood and we could then focus on the IEP issues. I am so glad I have been able to learn enough to explain this coherently to the teacher or I would have looked like an idiot; and we would have spent too much time discussing diagnosis and not enough reviewing the IEP.

I'm new to this forum, so just so you know, I've been teaching special needs children for a little over 20 years up here in Canada, working with every type of disability imaginable (I think!). My son is now 21 years old, and was diagnosed with ADD, so I've got some experience there, as well.

Firstly, Kazie, don't let anybody make you feel stupid or crazy :) That is not acceptable.

This problem is very, very common. A child exhibits some behaviors in some settings and not in others. Often, teachers/social workers/etc. tend to jump to the incorrect conclusion too quickly. Blaming the parents is easy. Sitting down, thinking through the problem, and identifying triggers/environmental problems is hard work, but beneficial to the child. The trick is to stay calm, stay non-defensive, and try to figure out why the behaviors are occurring in some environments and not in others.

By the way, if your child has just begun preschool, she may be in a "honeymoon" period. In which case, no worries, just give it some time, and these behaviors should start showing up at school shortly :))

Best of luck to you!

The RSP teacher told me that my daughter could not be ADHD because she is not hyperactive.
I think that is exactly what is going on. The teachers are seeing her as quiet and a little bit shy and thinking...ok where is the boucing off the walls? The mental health worker sat in for one hour and decided her focus and attention must be ok because she could sing along with the songs the teacher was singing with them. Very very frustrating.

I think you are right..arming yourself with knowledge is best. I need to do a lot more research. Being ADHD myself, I start and get side tracked so easily!! I have to try hard and focus for my daughter's sake.

Thanks for your help!!

I'm new to this forum, so just so you know, I've been teaching special needs children for a little over 20 years up here in Canada, working with every type of disability imaginable (I think!). My son is now 21 years old, and was diagnosed with ADD, so I've got some experience there, as well.

Firstly, Kazie, don't let anybody make you feel stupid or crazy :) That is not acceptable.

This problem is very, very common. A child exhibits some behaviors in some settings and not in others. Often, teachers/social workers/etc. tend to jump to the incorrect conclusion too quickly. Blaming the parents is easy. Sitting down, thinking through the problem, and identifying triggers/environmental problems is hard work, but beneficial to the child. The trick is to stay calm, stay non-defensive, and try to figure out why the behaviors are occurring in some environments and not in others.

By the way, if your child has just begun preschool, she may be in a "honeymoon" period. In which case, no worries, just give it some time, and these behaviors should start showing up at school shortly :))

Best of luck to you!
Louise, I am Canadian too :) I live in the US right now, but I am from Ontario.

I have thought that maybe it is possible that she is just shy and adjusting and that once she gets more comfortable some of the behaviours might start surfacing. I hope that doenst happen, but I can see how it might.

My daughter, now 23, what exactly like that-everyone told me what a wonderful student she was-until she got depressed in high school, and one or two minor/silly situations that I think were blown a little out of proportion in middle school. My two other kids were not at all like her-so was I a bad parent and a good parent at the same time? Of course not!

Thank g, she was good there, it was hard enough at home! Perhaps she really likes the structure, her teachers, the other kids, but instinctively doesn't want to behave like at home. She are her sister are not together-I bet that is a huge, and I mean huge part of it. My son, now 25, and daughter 23, could not get along at all-it was horrible some days. I could tell you horror stories and some good ones thrown in.

I don't think is is unusual at all. I teach parenting and child development-so I am not just giving you my opinion. Even some adults act different in the workplace than at home. One of my husband's bosses is a pr*** at work, but everyonelse ouside of work, thinks he is wonderful.

I believe your mental health worker is looking only at one possible aspect. Find out what her degree is in and how educated sher/he is-BSW, MSW or is it someone who is not as highly educated. Also, no parent has all the skills they need to raise kids at all time. The little dickens always come up with something you are not sure how to handle. Maybe you could find a support group or take a positive parenting class. Don't feel bad-you may just need to learn some different skills for working with your 4 year old's disabilty and personality! This absolutely does not make you a bad parent. Anyone who says that-ALERT-THIS IS MY OPINION-does not have any answers for you and is falling back on a standard answer that is just plain lazy. It is about learning how, not whethere someone is a bad parent. Ask her to define a bad parent and see what happens!

There are many variables to consider-by the way-kids copy all sorts of things-it is sociocultural learning according to Vygotsky, maybe she is copying some of your OCD traits-that would actually be normal-whether she is OCD or not! This would also explain why she is doing so well in the classroom at this time too. She is copying and adhering to the social culture of the preschool. Plus, it is not heaviliy academic and sitting in chairs-she can move and do things. It is probably just what she needs right now. I think it is a remarkable success and could help her at home! You might want to go observe one day and see how the teacher interacts with the students-I always learn so much watching other people!

I would like to make a suggestion that I wished we would have done-is it possible to take you two girls in for family counseling? I know it costs some money, but the stress of my kids fighting was really bad and I wonder if we could have learned ways to handle it so we had more peace at home. Consider it an investment in the long term happiness of you and your family!





Vygotsky and Social Cognition

Definition
The social cognition learning model asserts that culture is the prime determinant of individual development. Humans are the only species to have created culture, and every human child develops in the context of a culture. Therefore, a child's learning development is affected in ways large and small by the culture--including the culture of family environment--in which he or she is enmeshed.

http://www.funderstanding.com/vygotsky.cfm



This information is rather interesting and might help you see why they are saying you are responsible for the home problems-But, I do not agree with interpreting Vygotsky this way! There are many more factors that cause conflict at home. It is hard to deal with. I know we struggled!
Hope this helps. It is long-print it out to read easily and let me and others on the forum know how things go. You Mental health person is just one person and human-remember that!

RADD-pm me too if you like-I get back to people late afternoon or in the evenings now that I am subbing a lot!

Sorry about the formatting-it did not want to change despite several attempts.

RADD-pm me too if you like-I get back to people late afternoon or in the evenings now that I am subbing a lot!

Sorry about the formatting-it did not want to change despite several attempts.
Thank you for the link and all the good info. It helps to know we arent going through this alone. There is a group that meets once a month, I think, and maybe a class that they do every so often about parenting kids with ADHD. I am going to look into that. My four year old sees a psychologist every two weeks, Im sure if we want to switch things around we could to involve her sister. Thanks for the suggestion!

too much to do to read the replies but, try video tapin gyour daughter at the park and get a note from the teacher saying she's shy and get letters from other parents complaining about her abusinveness or overaggressiveness. then show it to the doc.

Our daughter was exactly like yours. Actually one of the main reasons we started on our quest to understand our daughter was because of her attrocious behavior that she exhibited toward her sister immediately after coming home from school. She was violent and abusive toward her sister. In the end we got an excellent description of her behavior that might be the same for your daughter.

Our daughter is ADHD innattentive type, so there was no hyper activity in the class. She was unable to comprehend many of the instructions during class although she would struggle to try to understand during the day. Her coping mechanism in class was to be very shy and quiet so that she would not be noticed. However, this took a lot of effort to try and "stay under the radar" at school. By the end of the day she would be exhausted and frustrated and so she would take it out on her sister. I am not explaining it as well as our psychologist, but it all made sense in the end.

I hope that helps, I wish I could explain it better. Mainly the bad behavior at home is a release from all the stress of trying to behave well at school.

Our daughter was exactly like yours. Actually one of the main reasons we started on our quest to understand our daughter was because of her attrocious behavior that she exhibited toward her sister immediately after coming home from school. She was violent and abusive toward her sister. In the end we got an excellent description of her behavior that might be the same for your daughter.

Our daughter is ADHD innattentive type, so there was no hyper activity in the class. She was unable to comprehend many of the instructions during class although she would struggle to try to understand during the day. Her coping mechanism in class was to be very shy and quiet so that she would not be noticed. However, this took a lot of effort to try and "stay under the radar" at school. By the end of the day she would be exhausted and frustrated and so she would take it out on her sister. I am not explaining it as well as our psychologist, but it all made sense in the end.

I hope that helps, I wish I could explain it better. Mainly the bad behavior at home is a release from all the stress of trying to behave well at school.
How old are your daughters? Do you mind me asking if you are medicating at this time? I am still debating on what I want to do as far as medication goes. Most of the time I think I want to hold off, and then I worry about how much internal stuff is going on that I am not seeing and think maybe meds might make her feel better.

My kids are now 6 and 8. The behavior I described started happening in Sept of last year when the 8 yo was in 2nd grade. We went through a few months of therapy, then testing for learning disabilities, then experimenting with different learning methods, then ADHD coaching, then finally to a psychopharmacology specialist who prescribed Focalin. She now takes 10mg of Focalin XR which lasts for about 8 hours.

The therapy helped a little. The reduction of homework and alternative homework methods helped a bit too. The medication has had a dramatic affect on her ability to pay attention in class, as well as her ability to complete her homework. It also boosted her self esteem immediately which helped reduce her anxiety.

I understand your worry about medicating. Everyone worries about medicating kids. We tried a lot of things before trying meds. However, once we tried meds we were simply astounded at the effect. Of course, our daughter was 8 and in second grade. OTOH I can see how it would be very difficult for you with your 4yo.

Also, just because you try the meds does not mean that you have to stick with them. You can try and see how it works. Just remember, sometimes you need to try a few meds before you find one that works well for your child.