Hi,

My husband and I have been holding onto our marriage for over 2 years but have been really struggling with built up anger and all of that. We love each other and want to stay together, but things feel so helpless, and then, yesterday, he saw a doctor who diagnosed him as classic ADD. I'd like some help with those of you who know about this, as to what things in my marriage can be things that aren't "us" but more a factor of this ADD/Non-ADD thing.

1. Parenting, he just cannot discipline or guide our 5 year old child well, or manage time well with him, and he doesn't seem to have a frustration build-up, and seems totally and endlessly patient, then, sort of out of nowhere, gets quickly really frustrated and intimidating when our son doesn't just 'do what he says' and does natural little kid push back.

2. I feel like I am nervous around him as he has this restless energy. And, he complains a ton that there isn't 'enough' to do. (We have lived in MA, CO, CA near big cities with lots to do) and I just find myself becoming restless around him too--- like I can't settle down with all his jumpy energy.

3. He cannot talk and watch TV at the same time. Like literally. Cannot understand that dinner is ready or a diaper needs to be changed unless we pause the TV. (We have used TIVO to great success for this reason)

4. I feel like he is trying to keep up with me and is mad at me that I can do things he can't. It's like he is so defensive about being 'perfect' something I just have not wanted him to be, but when I feel let down about something he doesn't follow through on, he gets mad at me for expecting him to be perfect. Now, we fight about this and get tangeled, but when we dated, it made me want to cry. It seems like he is so mad that I do things like keep a calendar, schedule, lists in my head, follow through on stuff, and I guess I have expected him to know how to do this. Maybe he just can't. Does anyone know?

What do I expect of him? I mean, I am opening my eyes to this, and really feel relieved if this si the problem, but upset too. I don't want to expect him to live MY way, but we do need to function as a couple, but if living with me is as overwhelming to him as he has said over the years, (we have kids, animals, etc) and he seems to be upset at me for being able to live in a way that is organized and clear. Oh, I don't want to sound mean and critical, I just don't know how much of our marriage problems are ADD and he has been begging me to stay with him for the past year, when I am at my wits end, and if this is ADD stuff, I'd like to give our marriage a try. I have been holding on with him, and at the 11th hour, this comes up, that he has ADD, and I wanted to post incase any of you with experience could help an incredbily burned out, frustrated wife who is at her limit!

Oh, and is it common for the couple to turn on each other. In the last year, (after 4 geographical moves in 2.5 years) we have been stressed and so horribly angry and terrible to each other. The moving thing is another thing, I mean, his solution to EVERYTHING is to MOVE ! It is driving me crazy.
SOrry, I shouldn't say that. I just want to figure this out so that if there is a chance, my marriage may be saved. He is so creative, so insightful, so caring and so smart, but I feel that there is this wall between me and that becasue he is so mad at himself, and he takes his frustration out on me for wanting to partner up with him.......

Oh, and is passive aggression related to this too? The symptoms seem the same.... but I don't know. I am still trying to figure this out.

Thanks!

Hi Corey222 -
I'm sorry to hear things are so stressful in your relationship! You obviously still care very much, because you are seeking information. I think that all of what you describe can be influenced by your husband having ADD - and your reactions to the stress in your life are REALLY normal reactions.

I commend you for trying to pause before deciding the fate of your marriage - a book that has helped me understand my ADD Husband, is ADD & Romance, by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt - slightly hokey title but it helps explain what havoc ADD can wreak in a marriage/relationship, especially when it goes undiagnosed. Personally I read it on my own, underlining what spoke to me, and asked my husband to read it with me.

Will your husband seek further treatment? How's he taking the diagnosis? You've come to a great resource here at the addforums - you'll learn plenty and not feel alone in this by reading thruout. Hang in there - R

Hi Redhead,

Thank you so much for your note. I will get that book as soon as I can.
He has suspected that he has ADD for years, but didn't do anything to pursue it. I have been in therapy for five years trying to understand what is going on in my life, and I certainly understand that 'it takes two' to make such a mess! But, when I look back on it, my biggest mistake was not honoring my *own* voice and my *own* ideas and letting him sort of *take over*. Over time, I've worked on my low-self esteem and that has, ironically, made him really nasty angry at me. Like he doesn't want to relinquish the control.... but we have two kids, and I feel like I need to address this stuff. As for what he is doing, he is taking some wellbutrin right now, and in only a few days, he thinks it is working, but I am not noticing any change. Can that work so quickly? And, I suppose since his diagnosis, I have gone through a bunch of phases of feelings. At first relieved, that I am not crazy trying to 'just hang on' to our lives, and feeling like I am being pulled in different directions all the time. And, that it isn't personal, things like him not talking to me or focusing on me. But, sadly, I keep coming to a place that says I have too much built up resentment to continue on in the marriage. Our finances are a mess, so getting separated is hard as we can't afford a place for him to live, so I feel abit trapped in that regard, but in the longer run, I just cannot imagine getting over the resentments I have, or if I do, I can't imagine wanting to 'try again' so to speak. He is in therapy to handle the aggression he has at his mother that he's been taking out on me, and I suppose if I could muster up the positivity, things should be looking up, but I am too exhausted, too resentful and too scared to think there is any where else to go except divorce. And, this hurts because I commited in our marriage to be together. As for how he is taking the diagnosis, relief seems to be the best description. He is really not talking much about how this impacts me although he seems to understand on some level that it is hard on me. He seems hopeful about working through this and is saying things in a conversation like, "I am already three topics ahead already" and, so, again if I could muster up some positivity, then it seems that he is willing to look at this stuff. I just need to somehow hope that I can forgive what has been an extremely hard marriage for the past 3 years--- every therapist I have gone to has suggested that I divorce him, and with all our moves, that translates into 4 different professional opinions. I am not sure where I am going, but thank you for replying, Redhead. You seem like this in a place that is not as chaotic as I, and, if you are comfortable, can you share your experience in that? Was it a hard road? Did you want to give up too?