My 11 yo son has ADHD and although he takes meds - I still help him everyday with his homework. What I mean is - I go through everything and help him stay organized with his papers, check his homework, and help him figure things out. It's a struggle and there is whining about it everyday - every now and then I get a golden day where all the stars are aligned and all I have to do is check his work. It's rare, and there are days when I'm severely hand holding.

My husband, who is one of six siblings who *never* had these issues has a hard time grasping that I need to hand hold my son SO much. If I don't, his papers are a mess, his backpack is a mess and things get lost and not turned in for grades. And then he's frustrated, behind and the focus of his teacher's negative attention.

My husband asked me recently, "Are you going to go off to college with him too?" Obviously no, I'm not. And I told him that I would help him and give him as many advantages academically as I could without actually DOING his homework for as long as I can. My son is smart, but so disorganized, that I tend to need to guide him back through what he thinks are completed assignments to recheck and show him what he missed. I guess my question is, am I helping him TOO much? When do I step back and how do I explain to my husband that my son may need my help through high school, IF he'll accept it from me and that it's okay?

It is true that ADHD kids need more help than others with organization etc. It is fine to keep helping, but you need to come up with a plan to help him learn to do it himself. Organizing is not an "innate" skill, it can be taught to some extent.

You should come up with specific "small step" goals for you and your son. With rewards maybe. If you don't work toward independance it will not happen.

I had that problem too. (I'm 16) and my mother helped me with my home work for a long time. I think you should have him sit down at the kitchen table and do his home work and orginize his stuff and not let him leave until he does it. Get him to understand that the reason things gett lost is because he is messy. Does he know he has ADHD and what it does to him. Tell him his brain makes him messy but he has to tell his brain to CLEAN UP as well

Wow, you are stating what is happening in our house, too. I grew up one of two kids whose parents were overinvolved and our projects became their projects. When my brother and I went to college we both had a rough freshman year because we did not know how to do it on our own. I did not even know how to do laundry let alone study.

My husband was one of six kids whose parents never looked at his homework. He had study skills and life skills (he had been doing his laundry since age 13)and motivation to do it on his own.

When we had kids, I vowed that we would have a happy medium. That was before I had to deal with my oldest son's ADD. My youngest does get everything done with little supervison. But my oldest just doesn't. I know I do too much, but as soon as I back off his grades slip and teachers are calling me saying he is getting overwhelmed and needs more support.

He was starting to get it in 5th and 6th grade and we were able to let him do more, but this new Jr. High has overwhelmed him and he was failing some things at the beginning of the year. I am hoping to wean him off my organizing him, but I am afraid that when I do he will start to fail agian. We are having a hard time with a balance, too.

I just wanted to add that I spoke to two of his teachers regarding my helping so much because I am worried that he won't be able to do it on his own in college or the long run. They both said that some kids just take longer to get this. They feel he still seems to need that and that as he matures he will get better at this. It did make me feel better about it. He is 13 and starting 7th grade. So for now I am still doing more than I think I should have to.

Are you sure you are at the optimum dosage for his meds?

Wow, I feel the same way, like I will still be there hovering in college. DS in almost 14 and in 8th grade. Every child "gets it" at a different age. DS is starting to "get it." I have had to remember that I am coaching him each day, going over things, not "expecting" him to get it, because that leads to much frustration. I would suggest that you keep patiently doing what you are doing, back off from time to time and see how he does when you do. If you need to, come back more. He will get it. I had a hard time with this because I was/am a very good organizer and keeper of my stuff. He's just not a natural at it. His dad wants me to let him go and figure it out, but his grades will start to slip again, like you said, with forgotten assignments, backpack floaties, missunderstood stuff, etc. I have been able to back way off this year, and so far he's doing pretty good. At the beginnig of our sessions, I have him sit with his stuff and organize it (names on papers, papers organized in in and out folders, everything writtin in his agenda, items done crossed off his agenda, items not attended to carried over, etc.) then he comes to me and SHOWS me his stuff, and I can just remind him if something's missing. He's getting it and so will yours. They do need more direction and coaching, don't ever give up or go against your gut or heart feelings. If you let go and they are not prepared, it could send them into a bad tailspin. Just hover a little less.......That's all for this ramble.

Wow, I feel the same way, like I will still be there hovering in college. DS in almost 14 and in 8th grade. Every child "gets it" at a different age. DS is starting to "get it." I have had to remember that I am coaching him each day, going over things, not "expecting" him to get it, because that leads to much frustration. I would suggest that you keep patiently doing what you are doing, back off from time to time and see how he does when you do. If you need to, come back more. He will get it. I had a hard time with this because I was/am a very good organizer and keeper of my stuff. He's just not a natural at it. His dad wants me to let him go and figure it out, but his grades will start to slip again, like you said, with forgotten assignments, backpack floaties, missunderstood stuff, etc. I have been able to back way off this year, and so far he's doing pretty good. At the beginnig of our sessions, I have him sit with his stuff and organize it (names on papers, papers organized in in and out folders, everything writtin in his agenda, items done crossed off his agenda, items not attended to carried over, etc.) then he comes to me and SHOWS me his stuff, and I can just remind him if something's missing. He's getting it and so will yours. They do need more direction and coaching, don't ever give up or go against your gut or heart feelings. If you let go and they are not prepared, it could send them into a bad tailspin. Just hover a little less.......That's all for this ramble.
That's a good idea. I was going to say something....
Oh! My sister is like that with everything, she is dependent on people to the point where she can not do simple things without messing it up. I have to constently hover over her shoulder for fear she will get herself hurt or burn down the house. Rachael is 14 years old and scared of the stove and lighting a candle, she can't hold a knife because she is afraid she will cut herself. One time she put a cup of instant ramen in the microwave without putting water on it and I ended up being the volenteer firewoman of the day for it XD It bothers me because I was never like that! Infact I can do just about everything on my own. I know how to cook noodles when I was 11! If I do not understand something it makes me incredibly mad and my friends all ask me what's wrong and I tell them off :o

ARGH the bell rang

Be back 5th period

Thanks for all of the feedback. It's hard - I know that I'm a control freak and that I'm a perfectionist (I know, yikes), but not a hard a**. That's a hard combo for an ADHD child much less one without it. I know this though and work to fight those tendencies. In every area of his life, we don't allow the ADHD to be an excuse to not try to do his best - it just gets hard to know where to draw the line in helping him academically. The grades are now for accuracy, not completion. He used to do his homework at his desk in his room, now he's at the kitchen table to get organized and complete his stuff. He knows he doesn't read directions well and he knows that there are other things he would much rather be doing. That's what I get frustrated with. He's extremely sloppy with his writing when he's doing homework, but he's an exceptional artist, printer and writes VERY well, when he wants to. There enlies my frustration. I "hover" to make sure he gets it right and make him rewrite sloppy stuff that looks like jibberish. But, my husband wants the tough love - let him screw it all up and then have him do it all over again and he'll learn. To me, that would be FAR more frustrating then helping him along the way. His meds just got reset to from 27 to 37mg of Concerta at the end of last school year. He's not as forgetful, he's just become more lazy about doing it. He brings it all home, which used to be the problem - the homework didn't even make it into his bookbag. Small victories, I suppose. I want him to have as many advantages academically as possible and I guess, I think I'm helping him, so that he doesn't struggle academically like I did in high school. I don't have ADHD, but I didn't have near the help he does. Sure, I have the life skills, which we work on with him as well. (He has trash day, has learned to do his laundry, has a list of daily posted chores and I don't go get his meds for him in the morning - I direct him to go get them, so that he gets in the habit).


I'm really trying - and he makes it very challenging. I pray for patience, I try to give him what I can before he pushes me away, so that he is prepared. I hope that my husband can understand that. And then, my younger ADHD son is so opposite, I am confounded. He does everything without asking, he just can't sit still. Again, small victories for now. Thanks so much for the feedback - glad I'm not alone!

The general consenus is that there is a maturity lag of roughly 30% with ADHDers. A 15 year will act like a 10 year old. Executive functions are the core impairment of this disorder. Read from the bottom of pg 18 on the pdf, on for Russell Barkley's excellent discription of the core deficits.

He will screw up if you let him. He won't learn a thing from that "lesson". I work with ADHD kids everyday. My daughter has ADHD. She is in her first year of university. She came home in a flutter this last weekend. Her room got broken into and there are other distractions in her life. I spent some time focusing her on how to organize it. She produced a great essay. Your son may need help until he is married at which point his wife can take over. My wife helped me get a job.

ADHD isn't about laziness. This is a disorder of true impairment which some see as impairing as BiP. I can tell you at High School, the kids dropping out and failing are often ADHDers.

Scuro, what you say is kinda discouraging. :-(

Are these kids just destined to a live a life consisting of constant hovering and direction to ensure their sucess? They won't learn from their mistakes?? I don't ask to in any way doubt you, but I do worry about my son.

Every time I let go a little, he screws up and fails, and he tailspins down. But I don't want to always be there, or have him need to go get a wife to take over for me, the way I took over for his dad's mom. Eeeesh! What to do????

The literature very definitely states the importance of choosing the right spouse / partner for an ADHDer. Many successful people with ADHD hire personal assistants to help where they have deficits. 1Kid, your son also has adolescence on his plate. One educator referred to this age group as having brains that are like driving a Ferrari without any brakes.

Scuro, what you say is kinda discouraging. :-(

Are these kids just destined to a live a life consisting of constant hovering and direction to ensure their sucess? They won't learn from their mistakes?? I don't ask to in any way doubt you, but I do worry about my son.

It depends on the kid. There are a number of ADHD kids who do much better when they get to their last years of high school. Is it because they see the light at the end of the tunnel, or is it because of developmental improvement?

Personally, I'm hovering 10 times less over my daughter, then say in grade 9. Still, transitions and change are hard for her. There was a lot of hand holding and advice being given, to get her into University. Some parents try to take their eye of the ball much earlier, say when their ADHD kid gets to high school. "I've helped him all through elementary school...he should be old enough to do it by himself now". Big mistake...that is where it counts the most. That is also where a lot of them make bad decisions with sex, drugs, and alcohol.

Our daughter was really negative about school in grade 9. I had to make a deal with her that she would only have to go for one year to a school that I knew that was good for her. Then she could go to her friend's school. She got her credits and then I bribed her by telling her I'd help pay for her drum kit if she stayed. Best money I ever spent. When ADHD kids fail courses in the early years of high school, there is a much greater chance that they will drop out of school. It is like they have a reason to drop out. "I'm stupid...or it will take me 6 years to get my diploma".

"I've helped him all through elementary school...he should be old enough to do it by himself now". Big mistake...that is where it counts the most. That is also where a lot of them make bad decisions with sex, drugs, and alcohol.

Wow, you've nailed it for me here when I discuss/argue about this with my husband. I know how hard high school was without ADHD - so, if I can try to help him stay involved from this point through graduation to stay organized and stay the course - maybe his hard "life lessons" won't include drug and alcohol abuse or truancy to escape the stress.

I don't want to sound like a Pollyanna and think my kids won't make bad choices, heck, I made a few. BUT, I want to try to help keep his environment as sane as possible!!!

I just keep thinking of the song words, “hang on loosely but don’t let go.”

My son’s dad also wants to just let go. Well, really he has never really has <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com /><st1:City w:st=HELD</st1:City> <st1:State w:st="on">ON</st1:State>. That is much of our frustration. When DS shares a week with me, it’s harder because he actually has expectations and responsibilities, and consequences. I’ve always been the meanie, but that’s ok. I also look at the hovering right now as a replacement for a tutor. I could go get one for him, but I’m cheaper. If it doesn’t work out, in comes the tutor to take my place. His stuff has to get done one way, or another. He’s getting MUCH better, but I agree with Scuro, in that he is much behind his non-ADHD peers.


Thank you so much for this thread, and for similar experiences. It really gives me the strength to hang on, watch and hover a bit, and not feel like I’m doing him a huge life disfavor by doing so.

My mother does not hover one me. I hardly get anywork done. I think she has ADHD too because she is the same way with her work but she has enough determination to get it done. I don't even feel like school is worth my trouble! Today I got a math test back-I had studied and I thought I had it down-put but now BAM right in my face I got a 55% I was like "What's the point if I try and only fail?"

But see, my whole life is riding a spite that keeps me strong. I have told myself I am going to suceed in life just to see the look on my old-man's face when he see my name among the highest ranking officers in the military. Some times I just feel like giving up because I work hard and get nothing but then I remember that that is what he wants me too do and I say
"I'll show you!"

No one pushes me. I will not let anyone hover over me because I can do things on my own! But I never get anything done!

The tutor is great idea for kids who get edgy working with their parent(s). But nail the deal down. You determine the core requirements at school and the academic responsibilities at home. I negotiated with everything else but not in what I thought was necessary for my daughter...even though she made life hell for two years.

I say get him through middle school then ask yourself this question again when he hits high school.