I will preface this with the fact that I've had a little scotch and a little wine, and l am listening to the Enya album I listened to my senior year in High School just before going on a trip to Germany for a couple weeks.

I apologize for any spelling mistakes and the likelihood that my thread will be closed due to the state I may be writing it in, or the fact that this may be considered blogging. I'm ok if the thread is closed.

This thread is not to be learning tool or to answer any questions, but just to express myself, and to maybe open the hearts of others with common experiences. I apologize for the selfishness inherent in the previous statement, and for any way I may offend anyone in my continuing writings.

First, Its' nice to be anonymos. The freedom that that brings is unbelievable. I have always been a controlled tornado of emotion and thought. At one time , as I was going through a literal hell, I communicated A little of what I was going throught to my girlfrined at the time. She remarked that she didn't even suspect that anything was wrong.

It's interesting to note that my parents used to take me around the block in the "Toranado" (70's)to calm me down as a child. I have had the fantasy and dreamed of communicating my true feelings to the people around me. I have thought of the great amazement or beratement that they would regard me with, but in most likelihood it would be a moment less than dramatic which would be most dissapointing indeed.

I'm 34 years old, and very soon approaching 35, and I don't know what I'm doing here. I haven't accomplishead anything remarkable; I have most often let down those who put the most hope in me; and there's no guarantee that I will necessarily be anything great. I'm not suicidal, maybe depressed, but most likely just concerned.

I would tell you my religious background, but I'm not a very good example of any the belief systems I supposedly suscribe to. I am a Christian, but this is not the time to talk about beliefs. Now is the time to talk about questions and experiences. I don't want advice or approval, just understanding. I apologize if this too serious or superficial for some. I just want to speak my biased heart and not be rejected for it, but I understand if I am rejected. It's ok and it really doesn't really matter. It's ok.

I've had some major downers in my life, but problably not that bad compared to some. I've been in trouble with the law; I'm currently a felon for theft and due to 9/11 have little hope of ever visiting another country during my lifetime unless I get a pardon, which may be possible If I ever put the effort in.

I dropped out of college twice, and failed once; needless to say I've never been on the honors role., which is interesting since I place in the top 3% in the world on my IQ tests as a child and throughout my highschool career. Tests were a breeze. I loved them. Tests were a moment of focused peace amidst the stress of reality. When I opened that test booklet I felt a wave of relief knowing that this is all I had to do. For those 50 minutes I was the same as everyone else; we were participating in the same reality and I didn't feel inferior.

I was picked on repeatedly as a child. I was too sensitive and weak (some of it was my own fault.) as a child. I only wanted the world to exist peacefully. It just wasn't wired that way. I couldn't understand cruelty, which unfortunately I understand a little more of now. I just desired and unfortunately desired and still desired true peace, like still water trickling through a montain brook, for everyone.

I was cocky and abnoxious at times; trying to defend the maidens of reality from the dragons of life--the problem was they didn't necessarily want me to defend them. I realized much later in life that sometimes the hardest and best thing you can do for someone is to let them stand or fall on their own two feet.

This is all tonight.

Maybe there will be more tomorrow, and maybe not. We have much less control than we think. I'm not to be depended on, but maybe I can spark a common experince in someone who reads this thread and somehow we can help eachother.



Lunar.....

Good night and blessed dreams....

I think it is quite interesting how much alike we all are... Rather than being the most random and unique person EVER, which I used to think of myself as being.


I frequently dream of being some epic individual that will someday do something so heroic that I will live forever in the thoughts of man. But as I age, (24 atm) I realize, that perhaps we are just here for ourselves and to be epic first starts from our own opinions of our own actions.

Heaven and hell is now. For however many years, you will be stuck in this flesh and are given the option to either have a blast, or sit in your room contemplating why you aren't that special person your parents always said you would become.

I could just be writing a load of crap, but to me, we have a limited amount of time, here on Earth. Here where we already know that happyness can be achieved NOW, not in some distant faery tale land after you die.


Anyway, that's my rant.



-Vision

... of ever visiting another country ... You're visiting another country right now.
It's night-time.
Nights have been drawing in for a few weeks now.
And the mornings have been getting darker.
The cricket season fades into a memory - and the guys are all playing football now.
Uncharacteristically warm - we were all in t-shirts today.
Playing soccer - there was a downpour.
A muddy mess of smells.
But it was fun.
TV - just the same as it always is.
The price of this - where the cost is more than the price, and the greenback is killing the frog, whilst the same moon shines down upon all of us - Lunarfrog

- Lunarfrog ... ... ... your mind contains all any of us will ever know - and so know, that your reality is a form of artificial reality - and that this knowledge can be used to be that which you feel you should be.

Your passport is now filled with stamps from all of the exotic countries of the world.

You've saved the world - time after time.
... and time again.

And you're kinda' tired of visiting the far flung {same old same old}.

And you're kinda' looking forwards to a quiet night in with scotch and vodka -
~and the familiar surroundings~
of your own bed
~for a change ... ... ... ~

... ... ... when the haze sets in - and clarity fades ... ... ...


SB.

Vision I’m beginning to wonder if I fall asleep and wake up as you.

That sounds like something I would have said. :)

I'm not going to expose my whole life story here as the others involved could easily find out and become frustrated with me as my stories involve many others who are still in my life.


To Lunar:

You don’t have to apologize to anyone, not for your spelling mistakes, or any other choices you have made in life.

"I've had some major downers in my life, but probably not that bad compared to some.”

Don't bother comparing your life to the life of others. (Although I realize this is nearly impossible in a relative world)

Look at this paragraph:

"I'm 34 years old and very soon approaching 35, and I don't know what I'm doing here. I haven't accomplished anything remarkable; I have most often let down those who put the most hope in me; and there's no guarantee that I will necessarily be anything great. I'm not suicidal, maybe depressed, but most likely just concerned."

Think of the variable meaning of the words in red.

At one point in my life I thought it was "remarkable" when one of my peers could clear a 6 foot bong with out choking on the smoke. I mean it was just "great".

Now, reflecting on it with new life experiences, it's not really so "remarkable".

But what is remarkable or great?

Adopting an orphan and giving him/her a chance at a normal life?

Winning the noble peace prize?

To me it's remarkable that through out the history of our planet your DNA has survived, proving it's self one of the badest mofo's on the planet!

What I’m trying to say is, no matter how much you accomplish in life you can always raise the bar a little. It helps to recognize that great things can come in small packages.

Try taking a homeless person out to dinner and treating him/her a great day.

My dad was one of the greatest people I have ever known and he has accomplished nothing note-worthy that will survive the test of 'history' but whenever he saw another human being in need of help he didn't hesitate to lend a hand.

And when you’re down in the dumps and someone comes through for you in a pinch, it can be pretty remarkable.


To me these things are great.

And like my sig says: perspective is everything :D

Lunar... I'm glad you could share your thoughts with us. You're experiences are very similar to mine except for the DUI's and I just have to say I've been lucky in that respect.

I too feel that I am not living up to my potential. I'm a wannabe writer that told everyone I've ever met that I was going to be a famous screenwriter one day. I love to make up stories... but I never do anything about any of them. I once tried to write a book... and got 10 pages of good stuff down. I then shreaded it because it was too much. It was too open ended and I couldn't see the end... so it caused me lots of anxiety.

It's hard to give up on your dreams... and this is what has lately happened to me. Right now I'm in a strange place. My wife and I have overspent X 3 and we're rebounding from a near bankruptcy. I've recently gotten a job making more than I've ever made in my life and my wife has done the same... but with our bills, there are people on welfare living better than us.

But, somehow I've come to accept where I'm at in life. I knew a guy in the Army that kept telling me to stop talking about book ideas and "LIVE LIFE". He was 34 when I was 21, and he always said... "Dude, you're 21, what the **** do you have to write about?" heh... "Live life, and learn some ****, then write a best selling screenplay and give me a supporting role!"

Anyways, I lived it for a while. Now... I feel like I'm in a stimulation slump. I used to meet a new interesting person once or twice a week. Now it's like I might meet 3 a year. I'm just glad that I've found this forum where I've "Met" people that I can finally identify with."

I can identify with the childhood picking. I don't think I would have made such an easy target if it weren't for my older brother who also attended the same school. He was ADHD where I think I'm more inattentive ADD, and they picked on him mercilessly. When I got to high school, all the bullies had to hear was that I was my brothers brother. I then became a prime target. Heh... but pm me if you want to hear the machete story. After the incident... the bullies gave wide berth ;)

Another thing about who we are is that no matter how much we are picked on, we still want to identify with everyone around us, and in my case at least I wasn't able to. Friendly witdh everyone but friends with but a few, it takes a special person to identify with us.

Anyways... hope you understand my rambling lunar... :rolleyes:

I don't know what to say.

I was actually a little worried after I posted my above message. The next day I tried to search for a way to delete or edit it severely, but wasn't able to locate a means of obliterating my vulnerability:o.

Which, as it turns out was a good thing.

I don't have any eloquent words to say like our resident philosopher, poet lariate SB...;).

I just want to say thank you. I really expected to be shunned for ?????..or worse patted on the head and dismissed as overly emotional and slightly disturbed.

Thank you everyone for your genuine acceptance and encouragement. You can tell (even through a monitor) when the response is ingenuine.

Thank you again,
Lunar.......