I have been with my adder for 3 yrs.
We just got a sure diagnosis at the Cleveland Clinic.
I am so frustrated with her,I don't know how much more I can take.
I have had 2 previous marriages and learned from my wrong. I feel as if I couldnt treat a woman any better then now,and she says she is happy, but she is always angry and frustrated. I just reached a new chapter in my life and would like to i nclude her, but I am looking for peace and happiness. Her peace and happiness is completly different from mine. I went thru a period of 3 years without money thanks to my multiple sclerosis and a disability company. Well after 3 years I finally won a settlement. I bought us a house in the country, and just came back from a trip to California. The last nig in Ca my adder started a no reason argument. This is one thing that hits my last nerve, a fight on a vacation. My ex whom I was married to for 20 yrs would fight on vacations. That is one of the reasons I ended that 20 year marriage. Then last night while unpacking boxes in our new home my adder was getting frustrated putti ng things away and started slamming boxes and tossing things. How am I supposed to remain in a good mood during this? I am looking at unpacking as exciting since we have a new home, and she sees so much negativly. When I try to remain calm and refuse to fight she gets angrier and starts yelling and crying. I bet neighbors thought we were fighting, but NO it was JUST her fighting. I have heard that I should get out,because it does not get any better, but she has many wonderful qualities. I just question, will we ever have a happy, peaceful home?
She went to her mjoms for a couple of days, and I am enjoying the quiet, but wish she was here minus her adhd problems.

If you're with an Adder, I doubt you'll ever have "peace." One of the symptoms is chronic, unexpected and amazing anger. You'll have snatches of wonderful times, but it's just very up and down, in my experience. Nobody's ever told me what to do with their anger, except not to react. I find that difficult, but I'm working on it. Apparently, from reading the boards, they often need anger as a stimulant and they don't want you to take it seriously and they really don't want you to hold it against them (as in bring it up later). I hope you'll be able to enjoy your new home.

Thank you for your reply.

She is staying with her mom for a couple of days,and I am trying to enjoy the quiet and relax.
I love her,but it is soooooo hard.

Concerning the frustration she felt while unpacking, I can understand that (I'm an Adder too.). One thing that you could do, I think, is to encourage her to take breaks when she gets frustrated. Tell her that when she's in a bad mood like that it rubbs off on you and you get in a bad mood too although you enjoyed the unpacking in the first place. Tell her that you don't want her bad mood to destroy your plesant experience. Don't expect her to be able to unpack without getting frustrated. Maybe there's something else she can do, or maybe just taking a lot of breaks or setting a timer to unpack in spurts of say 10 minutes each distributed over a longer time slot, will do the trick.

If you're with an Adder, I doubt you'll ever have "peace." One of the symptoms is chronic, unexpected and amazing anger. You'll have snatches of wonderful times, but it's just very up and down, in my experience. Nobody's ever told me what to do with their anger, except not to react. I find that difficult, but I'm working on it. Apparently, from reading the boards, they often need anger as a stimulant and they don't want you to take it seriously and they really don't want you to hold it against them (as in bring it up later). Well, I'm an ADDer and I certainly don't have "chronic, unexpected and amazing anger!".

I'm really sorry that you only have "snatches of wonderful times", and "it's very up and down".

I bet that really sucks! If I was ever chronically angry in any relationship, I wouldn't be in that relationship anymore!

Life is to short whether you have ADD or not!

And having ADD is not an excuse for abusing people!!

last night while unpacking boxes in our new home my adder was getting frustrated putting things away and started slamming boxes and tossing things. Moving is one of the more stressful situations any couple can go thru.

I hope things get better after you get settled in! :)

BTW, have you mentioned the fact that perhaps her ADD meds are not working properly?

Or...

(You didn't say how old she is) perhaps her hormones have gotten messed up?

Or...

Offered to go with her to see a doctor to find out why she is so angry (Whatever the reason may be)??

Just some suggestions!

Best of luck! :)

As for anger during unpacking... I feel her pain. For me anyways, any task that requires many steps causes me no end of anxiety... I tend to get angry much like your add'er. The problem for me is that I want to get the task finished... and RIGHT THEN... Every time I trip over a box or can't find what I'm looking for I tend to have a meltdown as well. I don't direct any of my ire at my wife... but I do end up verbalizing quite a bit. Sometime's I'll slam boxes and wish to throw things until I consciously realize why I'm mad and calm down. This is when I decide to take a break, but after a meltdown it's hard to get motivated to get back to the task at hand.

I think the problem arises when I focus on the big picture. I haven't really tried it yet, but I think if I were in her situation... I'd have concentrate on emptying one box at a time and try to ignore the big picture. I am still undiagnosed at this point, so I'm just now learning the quirks of ADD/ADHD and how to cope better by learning to recognize the symptoms, and why things make me angry.

I guess my point is... that it sounds like you two get along except for in a few areas. Why not try to discuss with her (when she's in a good mood/relaxed) what causes her to get angry and what you can both do to keep it from spiraling out of control? As I understand it, medication will not alleviate all of the symptoms and may exacerbate some, so it's probably going to take some effort on both of your parts to manage them.

Anywhoo... hope this helps

Seek, I'm glad you aren't plagued with anger. Hallowell's book lists "mood often angry" and "poor tolerance of frustration" as typical "disadvantageous characteristics of those with ADD." And I'm wondering why, if anger isn't part of this whole deal, there are soooo many threads and inquiries about it? I think it's a problem in most ADd relationships, even with meds. I think you're doing Fresh a disservice by dismissing it. It's there and we all have to deal with it. Foghat, I guess I'm more used to the frustration/anger that you're describing -- often it's not aimed at me, but seems to go on at a low burble when I can hear the swearing come out of his office, etc. That's easy; you just shut the door, don't listen. But if it gets personal, that's much harder to deal with, even though I think he doesn't mean it. And my concern, like Fresh's, is always: my dh gets over it quickly and I want more than anything for the anger not to draw me in and affect me, but sometimes it does. Wish I had a better solution.

Seek, I'm glad you aren't plagued with anger. Hallowell's book lists "mood often angry" and "poor tolerance of frustration" as typical "disadvantageous characteristics of those with ADD." And I'm wondering why, if anger isn't part of this whole deal, there are soooo many threads and inquiries about it? I think it's a problem in most ADd relationships, even with meds. I think you're doing Fresh a disservice by dismissing it. It's there and we all have to deal with it.Accept it if you wish, but I'm not going to use my ADD as an excuse for abusing my loved ones. None of my family members that have ADD (4 of them) have these extreme anger outbursts described.

Extreme irritability and anger is more closely related to the mania seen in Bipolar disorder! "Irritability can certainly accompany ADD, but not the intense otherworldly irritability of mania" "In mania, the irritability mounts a frontal assault" (Delivered from Distraction - Hallowelll and Rately - Page 140)

You will not find anywhere in one of Hallowell's books that says abnormal anger outbursts is acceptable, and must be accepted in a loving and caring relationship (or any relationship for that matter) if you have ADD. It's unacceptable whether you have ADD or not.

And as far as doing Fresh a disservice, I'm not offering a service, I offer only my opinion, just as you are only offering yours.

Here I am sitting in the computer room and hear her, moaning and groaning,screaming at the cats,talking to herself,damning this and that. I know none of this is meant at me,because while she was gone I unpacked many boxes and straightened the rooms out so we can walk through them all. It is just so hard to stay relaxed while she is ranting,moaning and groaning and yelling at the cats. I feel bad if I don't respond,but no matter how much I do, she is always moaning or groaning about something. She will be going to a different doc for a med change,now that she has been officially diagnosed. She has so many wonderful qualities and I do not want us to beak up due to an illness. I guess that I being a sensitive guy,does not help. Do you just try to ignore the ranting and raving. How does one do that without wearing oneself out?

fresh04, I can see why you are concerned. I am a passionate ADHDer, but I never feel inclined to slam or throw things around and become upset with people when they lose control like that. Have you tried talking to your partner about what is bothering her?

I am getting sooooo frustrated. I can NOT talk to her. Anything I say she takes as a criticism and starts crying. It is like fighting over nothing. My gut tells me this will always be this way, and to get out of this relationship,but she has so many good qualities. It is like she hears what she wants to hear in order to fight or cry or both.I feel as if I am always in a no situation, no matter how much I try or do.

It has now been a week since we have tried to make an appointment with a new psychiatrist,since they are not answering their messages. I am hoping a med change will help. I have been going with her three years,and this has been the WORST week.
We have everything to be relaxed and happy for, but for some reason she can't let herself enjoy life as is all I want to do. I feel like I need to live today as it could be the last day.We just had ours neighbors brother and sister in law die in an accident.
I do not get why her brain wont allow her to be relaxed and us live in Bliss.
Bruce

OH MY G-D,

Tonight she tried telling me something and I didn't understand her. She got very frustrated,irrate,and said she quits.(I know she does not mean that.)I was left(like what did I do.) If I go into another room and do something for a while,she will act as nothing happened. I am trying to cope now,by leaveing her tirade,and try to go on like(oh well,its that da-n disease.

When I can't find something I go off like a bomb. However, I'm mad at myself for being so stupid to lose whatever it is. I am going through yet another divorce (4th time). I thought I was better but apparently not. My wife told me I was abusive. I think some of us were not met to be married. I have never figured this thing out. On the good side I am now concentrating much better and my anxiety is greatly reduced. This will come in handy in the near future. Good luck.:faint:

wow,
I read this and see my husband in most of the posts. We've struggled with extreme anger issues for much of our 15 year marriage, and it got worse every year. It reached the point where he was not only blowing up about every little thing (and blaming me for it all), but becoming verbally abusive on a regular basis. I finally gave him an ultimatum....Get some drugs and therapy or the marriage is over. So he finally started on an antidpressant/anti-anxiety and life is sooo much better. He still gets angry more often than I think is necessary, but he is much more even keeled and seems more in control when he does get angry. I have become a huge advocate of medications! they have saved my marriage.

Yesterday we went to our councilor. I printed this thread and read it to her with my adder there. I knew I could only bring this up to my adder was in front of the councilor. My adder was upset and cried allot. She says she feels so guilty. We hope a med change will help.

Bruce