It's been awhile since I've posted here and wanted to check in and see how everyone (spouses) are doing. I enjoy reading other non ADD spouses information on the stuggles they have gone through. It is very helpful for me to know I'm not alone because at times it sure feels like I'm the only one in this family and relationship.

Do you think it's possible for my husband to not mean to pay attention to me? What I mean is that our relationship goes really well when he's focused on improving communication and listening to me. But that comes and goes. He's focused on me and my needs and then all of sudden he's gone again. It's not just an emotional withdrawl, it's also a physical withdrawl, and it's also not just me. He just doesn't plug in to the entire family. And here is the thing I'm stuggling with the most. I am supposed to not take that personally? Generally I respond by becoming over involved in other things, work, kids, projects, etc.. Just so I don't feel hurt over it, but in the end the empty feelings are still there and I feel alone, questioning everything like "well, if I have to live a the life of a single mom, I might as well make it official" I know that is horrible, but those are my feelings and sometimes feelings just are, you know? There are times when I am just totally and completly burned out-and I have nothing left to give because doing it all is exausting after awhile. I am currently being treated for a bladder disorder that causes my to feel a great deal of pain and exaustion, but I can't have time for that pain or exaustion because sometimes I have to be both the mom & the dad here.

Last night after doing a months worth of shopping, my husband did his best to help with putting away the monumentous boxes and bags of food. He spent 2 hours organizing the cupboard we keep the cans in (just one cupboard) -and then went on to spend another 30 min making the fruit bowl look different and creative (placing bannas upside down in a pattern)-during this time, I got the dishes done, floor swept and moped, refrigerator wiped down, kids bathed and in PJ"s, and there he is just fussing over a fruit bowl? Again, I know he was trying to help but it wasn't the kind of help i needed to get things done so I could go to bed also.

Sorry to just ramble, just wanted to start some lines of communication again, and get some other non ADD spouses responses.

Rikki
:confused:

Hi Rikki... I am not an ADD spouse, I am the one with ADD, so I am not the response you are looking for. My apologies, but I'm hoping you can use my 2 cents as well... if not I will totally understand.

Originally posted by rdo801
Do you think it's possible for my husband to not mean to pay attention to me? What I mean is that our relationship goes really well when he's focused on improving communication and listening to me. But that comes and goes.

Guilty of that here too. My wife sometimes has to remind me that I am a husband, and that she feels lonely without me... left to my own devices I will sometimes fill up an entire weekend with friends and hobbies and only see her when we are asleep (and often not even then).

I do recognize, and I think your husband should as well, that it is not your responsibility to police us spending time with you. However, it is a practical problem we have to solve, and not an easy one. IMHO my relationship improves the more I communicate with my wife about this and other things, this seems to match what you have posted... although I understand it must be annoying to only get what you want from your husband if you take the time and trouble to ask for it specifically... you would probably rather have it happen more often on its own, would make his love feel more genuine.

If any of this is accurate, it's because it's my wife's words paraphrased. :D

I dunno if I have much in the way of concrete advice to you other than communicate as much as you can bring yourself to. We ADDers can be pretty unwittingly insensitive but if your husband is anything like me he feels bad about it himself and actually appreciates a sometimes not-so-subtle nudge back on track. If he doesn't like that... then that's a different matter, and I guess my advice wouldn't apply.

Originally posted by rdo801
Last night after doing a months worth of shopping, my husband did his best to help with putting away the monumentous boxes and bags of food. He spent 2 hours organizing the cupboard we keep the cans in (just one cupboard) -and then went on to spend another 30 min making the fruit bowl look different and creative (placing bannas upside down in a pattern)-during this time, I got the dishes done, floor swept and moped, refrigerator wiped down, kids bathed and in PJ"s, and there he is just fussing over a fruit bowl?

Ouch... guilty of that too. :D Again, I am manly enough to understand and not be offended when the wife tells me what is going on. If she just goes ahead and does what is necessary without saying something, I often completely forget I should be helping more efficiently... but again, she hates that she has to remind me... and it's not her responsibility to.

How do you feel about your husband reading this thread? It's a way of communicating the details and the emotional importance of a problem that is sometimes brought up around here.

That is the number one issue in my marriage to my ADD husband - the lack of emotional connection. I know he doesn't do it intentionally but that does not make it any better. I have told him numerous times that I feel lonelier now than I did when I was single.

I do believe now more than ever that I do not have the right personality to be with an ADDer. I am extremely organized, proactive, and goal-oriented. I am exhausted, like you say, of doing it all. And, before anyone says that I don't have to, I'm sorry, with marriage and life comes responsibilities. I take care of those responsibilities in order to have a better life.

You talk about your husband being enthralled with the fruit bowl while you put away the groceries and it reminds me of one time (amongst numerous other similar stories) when we went away for our annual winter vacation. I had done all the research to find a cottage, bought all the supplies, washed all the clothes, packed all the bags, did the groceries, packed the groceries, packed the toys for our young daughter, made sure we had every little thing we could possibly need and packed the car. After a long six-hour drive going north with lots of snow, we arrived at the cottage and unloaded the car. With all the bags and stuff around me in the kitchen and our daughter still in her boots and snowsuit, my husband threw off his coat and immediately went to the fireplace to start a fire and left me there to deal with all of the stuff!

I can't recall a vacation where I've been "on vacation". I can't recall an evening where we sat on the couch and cuddled. I can't recall the last time he came up behind me and gave me a hug. If he feels just a bit of resentment from me, he recoils into himself and disappears into another part of the house. Of course, it is my fault because he knows I am angry and he can't talk to me when I am angry. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to notice the times where I am not angry - he doesn't approach me then either.

It's a hard battle. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to vent.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth,
i want to thank you for your candid input. I am an ADDer who is married to a wife that is very similar to you in the fact that she is very organized and goal oriented. She is struggleing with the same issues you are. I have been just diagnosed about a month ago. It explains a lot of my behavior, but it does not erase the hurt and frustraion my ADD has caused. I am trying to do things to improve(meds and counseling). I know my wife has thought about leaving, but has decided to stay. I want you to know that I am an ADDer who thinks that if you do not think this is the situation for you and it makes you miserable that the best thing to do would be to leave. I know I can understand why my wife would want to leave. Just wanted to let you know that your posts helped me to understand some of the things my wife is going through that I really had not considered before. I wish you the best of luck.
Jim