Hello! I have an eight year old son in the third grade. He is in a class that is small 15 students with a teacher and assisstant. My frustration is that he has trouble focusing and staying on task, and making friends. He is on meds (concerta 27 mg and 2 focalin boosts).

Last year his teacher was very negative towards him and the kids picked up on it. Well, this year his new teacher is trying to turn this behavior around but it is so hard for him. Some of the kids from his second grade class are in his class this year and they have already started to pick on him again. (He also picks his nails and skin) I know for a fact the teacher is trying to stop it but there has been little improvement.

The nuerologist wants to put him on an anti-depressant(to combat the picking) but that would then put him on four different meds. (He is concerta, focalin and clonidine now). He sees a couselor twice a month.

I just want him to have a good third year and have at least one friend. He says he doesn't want a birthday party because nobody likes him. School is not the only place this seems to be happening either. We go to church on Wednesday nights and the kids there isolate him as well.

What can I do? I can't stand in all the time because I don't want to embarass him. But on the other hand how can I let it go?

I am seeking counseling for myself as well. I have often wondered if I caused the ADHD by not nurturing him enough when he was little.

Thanks for letting me vent. I really needed it. I lurked around long enough to see that when I spilled my guts there would be people who could truly empathize and understand.

Thanks!

Well, I am in the same boat. My son had his worst year ever in third grade although 4th was hard, too. He is in 7th now and things are a bit better. But I know how agonizing it is to watch you child struggle.

I spent tons of time behind the scenes scouting out possible friends for him and arranging playdates. Some would stick for a while and some would not. He has a couple now that he can call friends. His "annoying behaviors" are fewer and he does fine with kids who get to know his outside of school. He is much happier than he was in 3rd grade.

The hardest part for me was the guilt. I would look at every mistake I made as a parent and think that I ruined him, damaged his self-esteem etc. and that is why he is struggling. I am still going to a counselor for that. I think that I am finally accepting that he may have had these struggles even if I did everything right. Well I am working on that anyway.

I am sure your nurtured him just fine, don't let your guilt overtake you. That do know about! Not that I heed my own advice.

If you would like I can tell you what things did seem to help. But we are still having issues so I don't claim to have the answers.

Hang in there!

I don't think ADHD can be caused by too much or too little nurturing.

Have you tried any sports? Maybe he needs another place to make friends and build self esteem?

Has the concerta and focalin helped with his behavior? It she clonidine just taken at the end of the day to help with sleep?

I completely understand your feelings. My son is in third grade and the end of second was a nightmare for us. I did put him on Zoloft 25mg after much internal debate and it has helped him. He is on four meds also, but as my doctor said, if he needed heart meds we wouldn't hesitate to put him on them. Try it out and see if it makes the difference he needs. You can always take him off if you dont like the effects. Good luck!

ADHD is heritable, never caused, so take that load right offa your shoulders, and welcome to ADDF, Dill :).

My own Kid inherited my ADHD, my BiPolar and my Sensory Integration Dysfunction, so I know how hard it is to rack up all those meds and keep on trying for the best possible outcome.

She's worth every minute of it ;).

Kids with ADHD "get" each other. They seem to gravitate towards one another. If you have a local ADHD support group maybe that would be a good place to meet other families that you could socialize with, that have a child around your sons age. It has helped my kids with ADHD to have friends who have the same things going on. It has also helped me to be able to talk with other parents, and do things with other families who go through the same stuff.
Jamie

I agree with Jamie. My son's first best firend has AD/HD too...He was also helped by the fact that he went to group counselling within his school, and the kids from that group made him feel welcomed, plus he had a group to belong too...Only one time he punched the grade's bully -not recommended behavour - that is mentioned in his school record, but I guess since he gained respect.
The teacher will play a big role in having your son accepted by the other children, but it will take time. His behaviour is caused by the stressful situation in his class.

did you consider talk with their parents?

It is so comforting to read your words. I too am new to this forum. I have 3 daughters, 12 year old fraternal twins and an almost 10 yr old. One of the twins was diagnosed in the 4th grade and has been on medication since then. When she is off her meds, I am insane!! I can tell the second she opens her mouth. It is so frustrating for her for the whole family. I can't say take your pill. I don't ever want her to equate a pill for making her feel better, thus changing her personality.

After my daughters diagnosis and researching ADHD, I saw tons of my own behaviors. This scared the heck out of me and after breaking through my denial I finally asked my psych. to test me for it. (I've been getting treated for depression with not such great results).

I pretty much knew what the results would be and yes I have ADHD. I am 43 years old. I have had a life of struggle that if this disorder were diagnosed when I was a kid, could have changed my life. But, I can change my life now. And, I can help change my daughter's lives as well. I am their mother for a reason, right??

My youngest daughter, who is in 4th grade, is showing significant symptoms of ADHD. Yes, I felt the guilt, especially when I learned of the heriditary facts of this disorder. But, I also see the blessings of this disorder. Things I love about myself such as humor, honesty, loving, caring, creative aspects, I also see and love in my daughters!!

Why can't you say "take your pill"? If she were diabetic, you'd say "take your insulin". In fact, if you treat her med as something totally routine, she's more likely not to think of it as a "get happy" pill (which it isn't anyway). And if she's 12, she is going to drive you insane (a little bit) sometimes anyway. At least if she's taking her med, that will eliminate one cause.
And now, because I always hate it when other parents say negative things about stages of childhood that they claim are inevitable, I will add (lower case), that she will also continue to be your beloved daughter even when she's driving you crazy. But you know that, I'm sure.

Whoa, back up. Let me explain Peridot.

First, pre teen hormonal issues are not what I was referring to. I was referring to my daughter's behavior when she is not on her med. She is mean, says very hurtful things about others for no apparent reason other than to hurt their feelings, she is uncooperative, etc. I love her no matter what, she is my first born daughter for God's sake.

Second, addiction and alcoholism run deeply in my family. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic. My daughter's are well aware of the nature of this disease. If my daughter had diabetes and needed a shot of insulin, yes she would receive her shots of insulin. If my daughter had cancer and needed chemo, yes, she would receive her chemo. If my daughter had ADHD, which she does, and hmmm so does her mother, and needed medication, which she does, she would receive it. The tricky part is Peridot, the disease of addiction says " I feel better/different on this pill, maybe two or three will make me feel even better " or " I'm so screwed up I have to take medicine " or it says all kinds of false stupid things. Besides inheriting ADHD from their mother, they also have a significant chance of inheriting addiction as well.

My point is treating my daughter's medicine and ADHD for what it is. I try to explain to all of my daughter's that ADHD is a disorder in the brain. We are born with it and the behaviors that we display from it are not voluntary, we do not realize we are acting out. I further explain that the medicine helps balance the problem in our brain.

So, I don't know what you "hate" but as a 1st timer I have to tell ya that your response was rather hurtful. Maybe I'm reading it wrong and maybe it's me but whew, I had a strong need to clarify. Maybe my meds didn't kick in before I wrote my first response, I don't know.

Dear PeaceIn,

I am so sorry, PeaceIn. Let me try to atone for my brusqueness. What I was saying that I hate and wanted to avoid doing was talking about adolescent children as if they were all nothing but difficulties and annoyances . I dislike it when other parents do that -- but I was in no way suggesting that you were doing that. I love my adolescent daughter, as I'm sure you do -- no matter what.

Secondly, I understood that you were only talking about the way your daughter behaves when she doesn't take her meds. I was certainly not suggesting that she should be medicated so that normal adolescent behavior went away, just that the combination of adolescence and ADD makes things harder on parent and child.

Third, inherited tendencies toward addictive behavior are troubling, I know, but it's important to remember that untreated ADD (and other mental illnesses) are more likely to lead to drug and alcohol abuse. (There are good postings -- in greater detail than I can give -- about this in the forums.)

The explanations you give your daughter about her brain's biochemistry and her medications sound superb. You are treating them as "routine" --
medicine, not happy pills.

So I really do apologize if what I wrote hurt you. I do think you can tell her to take her pill without sounding as if you're urging her to change her personality. Hopefully, her pill does make her feel better. Not happy or high or unreal -- just more herself and in control of herself.

peridot

Thanks Peridot, I'm glad we cleared that up. I have read several of your posts and thought to myself, wow this gal knows her stuff!! You give wonderful feedback to folks and I appreciate the clarification.

Thank you, PeaceIn. I was feeling like a world class jerk after you wrote me and I'm glad I had a chance to explain.

peridot

Everything's cool. I'm sorry you felt like a world class jerk, what a jerk I am! Just kidding, we're both fine. We didn't mean to upset each other or anybody else for that matter and I'm guessing we're going to become good friends!! What do you say?

Hi! My son is 8 and in the 3rd grade also. I just started him on Adderall 20mgs. I have to go back to work... I will chat with you after 2:00

PeaceIn,

Offer gratefully accepted.

peridot

How are things going with your son and Adderall?

My son Shane is 12. He was dx'd at the end of first grade (about 5 yrs ago) As he has grown we have had to make med adjustments, and changes. Maybe the meds that are being used need to be changed? My son was on adderall xr (various doses) for almost 4 years. He started showing heavey signs of addiction, and it wasn't working as well even though he was on the highest dose for his age, and weight. It has taken the better part of the last year to get his meds figured out again, but we eventually ended up doing straterra, with focalin. One tip is that stratterra may make a child sleepy, and is good to give at night (at least for Shane, it was recomended that we do it that way by our psycholigest) focalin in the am.
Starting when he was 10 we started making him accountable for his meds. It is his job to take them and remember them. We have helpers in place. We have a sign in the bathroom, just above the toilet (that is the first place he goes in a typical morning) we have another sign just above the counter where he gets his breakfast. It really helps us, and we don't have to ask him to take his meds.We also have his meds in a place he can reach, and see.
Another thing we did when we made this transition was to have him at all IEP meetings that are for him. He gets to help decide goals, and gives suggestions on what works best to help him reach the goals. In doctors appointments I expect him to help tell how the meds are working for him, and he does a great job at this. The thing that sparked this was hat he started getting offended when he was asked to take his meds, or when we would go to one of his meetings, or doc apointments, and I would do all of the talking he would say, mom, I know better how I feel, why are you the one to answer. I said to him, you are right, lets make this change. He really likes being in charge of his ADHD. This year I have started to let him use my ID to come onto this forum to talk to others teens. He loves being able to vent to them, and talk about "stuff" with them.
Since ADHD is always compared to diabetes I am going to tell one of these stories. Our 5 year old daughter has type 1 diabetes. She takes insulin, and has to check her Blood sugar 4+ times a day. This is something she will have to live with daily. Just like my son will have to live with ADHD daily. One of my 3 sons has athsma. He will have to live with that for the rest of his life. They all need to know how to take care of these things, and be given the proper amount of responsability for their conditions. Our daughter can take her own blood sugar, our son with athsma can do his own inhailer treatments, our son with ADHD can take his own meds. They all need peer groups who know what it is like to be like them. They all need support from their parents, and they all need to be well educated about their conditions. Diabetes, athsma, and ADHD are like apples, oranges, and bananas - they are all fruit, however they taste different, look different, and are eaten different. So when you say if your child had diabetes wouldn't you make sure they got their meds, please keep in mind it isn't even close to the same thing. Really it isn't. Being the mom of both a child with ADHD, and a child with Diabetes, I know all two well it isn't even close to the same thing, and shouldn't be treated as the same thing.

Thanks JmeB78 for some wonderful tips. I especially liked the accountability for taking own meds. Your son sounds so mature. Reading about him brought a smile to my face!:)

WOW!!! Thank you for all the replies! We had an appointment with his dr. and he upped his meds (from 27 concerta to 36). I did bring up the 4 medicines. He gave us the option to try focalin xr. We are putting that on hold because he is doing fine with the increased concerta. His teacher did give me some good news. He has started to really enjoy talking to and playing with a little girl in class. Yeah!!!

I did research ADHD support groups in my area and they are so far away! I thought about starting one of my own. Does anyone know how?