View Full Version : Hey its Vhan again..haveing some isshues...


Vhan
09-30-06, 04:56 PM
I whimped out and didn't talk to my school counsolor...I was scared that If they learned that I have been cutting myself that they would send me to the "alternative learning enviorment campus"..can they do that?

I also caved and told one of my friends that I suspected that I had add, bipolar disorder, and MPD...Her responce was a good one...

I have been talking to my dad (who has no idea how bad my depressions were, and doesnt have a clue about mutulitation..) and it turns out that as a kid I had "borderline" ADD now i dont know that if the definiation of "borderline" has changed since 1995 but the docter still wanted to put me in riddlin...my parents didn't by the way. From what i can gather they put me on a diet of no food colorings...(does that really work? Is that method still used today?) shortley after that my parents divorsed, and I was taken off the diet. My memories of 2nd grade, and is like i was asleep the entire year and only opend my eyes a few times...3rd grade was my best ever, and 4th is when I got depressed...majorley. the rest is confuseing and hazy...It was shocking when my dad said that when I was 13 I ran outside into the rain sobbing saying that I didn't know what was real...I have absolutley NO memory of that at all, and that was only 3 years ago. It scares me the thought of what else i may have done but not remember...

Could I have outgrown my childhood ADD, then it turned into bipolar disorder, then MPD? Is there some kind of trama that I'm blocking out? (that sounds SO stuiped, but is it possible?)

And another question...How can there be so much wrong with me, and I can still have days when I feel "Normal" sometimes I even try to tell myself that It must be all in my head, but when I look over the things I do remember, and when I heard that story about when I was 13...how could I be...It gets really flustrateing because I'm not shure What Really is wrong with me...

swivelhead
09-30-06, 06:26 PM
hey Vhan~

quick question, and completely understood if you don't want to answer:

why do you cut yourself, have you figured it out yet? i promise you, i ask out of pure, judgment-free curiosity... i know a couple people who do that and one of 'em said it's in order to feel something, to escape a natural state of feeling dulled, faded. Make sense?

MARIA S.
10-01-06, 11:40 AM
Hi,Vhan

This is Maria, When you feel "normal" is because you are!

That why you feel that way,

Don't think too much about bad moments(when you were 13)

Think about good things, only GOOD moments, allow yourself to be Happy you are so young and you can do that!

A tip: something good to think about, you get a new friend today ME, Maria Adios! Take care.

Vhan
10-01-06, 02:42 PM
ok, I'm sorry about all this, this is clearley a site for ADD and i went off track, Sorry moderators

HighFunctioning
10-01-06, 04:16 PM
There's supposed to be a high one-way comorbidity between ADHD and Bipolar Disorder; as in, if one has Bipolar, there's a likely chance that one also has ADHD, but not the other way around. The rate of comorbidity depends on who one asks. It is normal for the absolute symptoms of ADHD to decrease as the brain develops... the attention span and impulse control of neurotypicals also increases with development as well.

Your post here is fine, Vhan.

Crazy~Feet
10-01-06, 04:39 PM
Vhan if you feel comfortable, please describe why you believe you fit the criteria for MPD :) I have experience with dissociatve disorders.

I am also an adult with severe ADHD and Bipolar II, so I know that's entirely possible. HF is correct and also puts up with a lot of my own "cycling" ;).

Vhan
10-02-06, 07:00 PM
Ok, I'm not so shure that I have MPD anymore. Memory loss could have something to do with ADHD, and the development of the brain...But the biggest reason I think I have MPD is that there are not just memories missing, but...entire years of my life. What even more disturbing is that I look back in my life I can only remember the good things...Except for a few bad ones, and I mean only a few. I feel like I censord my life...I feel like I by myself am not a real person. I started keeping a journal, and everytime I read it, I dont feel like I was the person that wrote it. Its not like I have this overwhelming feeling of "OMG! I DIDN'T WRITE THAT!"...I can remember writeing it, but i feel like it had been tamperd with...like what I wrote wasn't just me writeing. A while back. I caught myself forgetting events that only happend yesterday. me and my father got into something of a arguement. (no yelling, no violence of anykind, but it was the nature of the subject that got me shaken up, "what would happen if he died early") This was only 4 days ago, I couldent qoute anything he said if my life depended on it...Its all fuzzy, I can remember why we started talking...something about him cooking dinner, his face is all fuzzy in my memories and...It just cant be normal...forgetting something like that. And just incase your wondering, I feel very, very distant from both of my parents...There was a "roughf divorse" My mom gained custdoy of me, and my brother, and well leats just say that towards the end of the eight years I was with my mom I was slideing my dresser infront of my door...not because I was afraid of her doing something, but more to just block her out of my life in a way. Anyway back on topic. When I was 13 there was the whole running outside thing. My dad sometimes brings up the "califorina incident" Thats were I lived untill I was eight...something happend but everytime he asks me If i want to know what happend I say that I dont care...I'm just afraid to know what happend...My memoris of my 11-14 years are grim...sad, and depressing. I remember hateing myself with a bitter , and pure morbidness... I became extremeley introverted, and icolated myself from my peers, aninilateing myself from people. These are the years that make me hate my first name...I feel like someone insults me when they call me by it. That was the 2 year depression I keep refering about...I absolutley started to hate being around people...I hated myself to the point that I didn't just look at the floor becaus Ii didn't have any self esteem, but because I bowed my head to everyone around me, thinking that they were superior...That I didn't even deserve to look at thier faces because I was such trash...I wont say how I treated myself physically...Then that summer I visited my dad for the first time in 6 years, That was when I turned 13... It was about half a year before that I started playing online...This is something today Im ashamed of, just how childish it was...For the first time I found a enviorment that was accepting to just about anyone. I didn't feel that social distance that I did in real life (how stuiped and pathetic is that?) The result was a exploshion of self confidence, (in the game) But then it soon started to trickle into real life...I was a compleatley diffrent person in that virtual world, A person that I wish[ed] that I could become...Today I'm still trying to bridge that gap between who I was then, and who I am now....I took a razor and carved my screen name into my right sholder to remind me not to get distraced during animation class...(LOL) I still cant get myself to focus how pathetic is that???

And look at this, I pulled this off a site;
Third, THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT THAT DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES BE VISIBLY DIFFERENT TO AN OBSERVER. It is only necessary that each alter fulfill the basic function of an alter personality-- that is, to protect the host personality from the knowledge and experience of the trauma. This task is accomplished by means of dissociative barriers or walls of amnesia. Thus a multiple could conceivably have dozens of alters that look just the same, but who, nevertheless, serve the function of walling off trauma from the host (and dispersing it among many alters). The answers to the above questions can now be more easily understood in light of the basic task of an alter personality. If the "raison d'Ítre" of alters is to sequester trauma from the host so that he/she is able to continue to function without becoming overwhelmed, then additional alters may be produced to help contain the trauma. It is not required that these new alters look different, nor is it necessary that they all be active at one time; it is only necessary that they do their job (of containing the trauma of the abuse).

This explaines...how I am able to feel so normal?...

DAMMIT I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!

This sounds so much like me...but how can I prove it...HOW DO I KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE IF ALL MY MEMORIES ARE BLOCKED OUT!

I remember things, but nont of them make sence...Years of my life are jumbuled togeather...like somone took a rubix cube, and switched up all the stickers, and even made some squares diffrent colors that dont exist....

I feel like my life Is a lie, to myself, and my friends, BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF THAT IS TRUE! What if that statement above is correct...what exactley am i keeping from myself?


And I always have to ask myself that question that just wont go away: what if I'm makeing this up in my head...createing problems for myself so I can feel more ...real...

I was "studying" myself and I found out that i like to play a sick little game with people. I'll only come at the table with a piece of myself...but what it is that I love to to is give everyone a diffrent piece...I try and hide my real name as much as i can...I in fact have several names...

Meatloaf --the name my "closest" friends call me...
Vhan --not just my internet name, Its also my most distant name in real life, the people farthest from the rest of my frinds call me this, my really really outer ring of friends, Its also the one I like the most.
Cody--the name my family calls me, I hate it, I really do
Peater--from "peter griffin" on family guy, some of the guys I drink with call me this

I know that I proabley got a little off track with the whole...MPD thing...but...I dono I felt like it was best to give a total overview...this ENTIRE thing is very overwhelming, and extremeley flustrateing because I dont know what to think about it all....its very hard to explain...and even in all this i feel like i left out alot of the key details....

...Help


(after I wrote that I thouht about deleteing it....it shows I want sympothy...thats is a sigh of weakness...why do I think like that?)

Foghat
10-03-06, 04:29 AM
Disclaimer: I'm not qualified to Opine. I'm just a concerned 30 yr old that doesn't have kids. No part of the following should be considered as "expert advice". Read it for what it is... which is an expression of concern for an individual I feel I understand.

Vhan... I think you might be one of the "Gifted individuals" that need special care. Heh... sounds condesending doesn't it? I don't mean it to sound like that but I think it may be true in your case. By gifted, I mean you are smarter than your peers. When you are smarter than the "kids" ie. your friends, it becomes hard for you to relate.

When you can't relate to your peers, you really have nobody to talk to(with any kind of depth)... and in many cases the parents aren't even able to understand. They think they do... and they chalk it up to hormones... and hope that you'll just grow out of it. Sadly this rarely happens (in my experience).

Intelligence:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="400"><tbody><tr><td align="left">1 a (1) : the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations : REASON (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/reason); also : the skilled use of reason (2) : the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one's environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (as tests) b Christian Science : the basic eternal quality of divine Mind c : mental acuteness : SHREWDNESS (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/shrewdness)
2 a : an intelligent (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/intelligent) entity; especially : ANGEL (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/angel) b : intelligent (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/intelligent) minds or mind <cosmic intelligence>
3 : the act of understanding : COMPREHENSION (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/comprehension)
4 a : INFORMATION (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/information), NEWS (http://www.webster.com/dictionary/news) b : information concerning an enemy or possible enemy or an area; also : an agency engaged in obtaining such information
5 : the ability to perform computer functions </td> <td>http://www.webster.com/images/pixt.gif</td> </tr> </tbody></table>
If you are smarter than those around you, and you have no access to stimulating conversation/material... It's easy to spend a lot of time in your own head. Heh... I've been guilty of this myself. I too have had the desire to "cut". I never followed through... because some kind of stimulation always seemed to pop up at the right time to keep me from it. I have done other things to inflict pain on myself (that I will only discuss by pm), but haven't done since my teen years.

You knew this was leading somewhere... so here it goes:

1. I don't think you are MPD... (but I'm not qualified to diagnose).
2. I do think you are lonely... as young, very intelligent people almost always are.
3. I do think you should see a psychologist to see if hormones are responsible for your "irrational" behavior.
4. I also think you may have experienced a "traumatic experience" in your past. If so... your subconsious may be trying to cover it up. My advice... See a psychologist/psychyiatrist and speak openly about everything in your life.

I can see by your posts that you have a very analytical mind, you are intelligent, and more than a little worried about your well being. All of these things are good, considering your symptoms, I think they can all be addressed by seeing a qualified health care professional.

The biggest thing to remember is that you are not alone. Just check the size of membership for this website for ADD...we are all searching for something better, and many of us are finding it. If you ask, I'm sure that many will tell you that improvement can be a slow process... for others... It's immediate. You just have to find a professional who can figure out what's going on in your head... and with your neurochemistry.

Anywhoo:...Good luck man.:D

Vhan
10-03-06, 04:07 PM
Ok, I'm pretty confident that I dont have MPD...but I'm still pretty confused by all of the isshues here....The problem is that, if I have to see a shrink, or a docter then my family is going to know...I just dont want them to...do how am I supposed to tell this to my dad...

"Hey dad, Im either severley mentally impared, or a gifted child! with ADD!...SO Im going to need you to pay for all these tests!"

About being "loneley"...I'm not really all that lonley, I have friends but we have THE MOST unintelectual conversations in the world. IE) my friend is talking about anime, and screaming chicken 20 milloin times...I dono I have her blocked out right now Lol. (Im sitting in my animation class, its my 10min break) she doesn't care enoughf to look over at my screen. I imagine that sometimes I can be pretty introverted. But enoughf assumptions...

I think its safe to say that its not "safe to say" anything...uh...err...yea

So how do I break the news to my family...and friends?

Vhan
10-04-06, 03:42 PM
Just ot clareify, Its not like the converstaions bore me, there funny! thats why I like to hang out with em...hehe They always cheer me up...(by the way, theses are the ones that call me meatloaf, and they have no idea about anything written above...) SO yea...how Am I supposed to break the news?

PS, I took a online IQ test and I scored a 106...(this was a while ago)

moe.ron
10-04-06, 10:25 PM
i took one of those phony things and got a 140 and a 160 on two different tries. Meatloaf ehh? whered that come from?

Vhan
10-05-06, 01:58 PM
When I was In football my friend just started calling me it, then the coach got wind of it, and it stuck after he started yelling things like

"hit harder loaf"
"Is that the fastest you can run Mr. Loaf?"

meadd823
10-07-06, 08:17 AM
I like the rest have no medical authority and what I have to say is my personal opinion that should never be taken as professional advice.

Cutting your self just that one time or do you do this as a means of releasing anxiety?. I ask this because apparently some people cut them selves not in an effort to commit suicide but as a means of releasing internal pressure. . . . . .I have a daughter that did this and she began when she was a little younger than you are now. I had no idea that cutting one self could be a form of releasing internal pressure but apparently it is because it changes some chemicals in your brain. . . . .she would build up to a certain level and then cut her self which some how released the pressure It has been awhile and she seems to be decreasing in frequency but I am not sure if it is due to proper treatment of her conditions or maturity perhaps both.

Feeling a certain amount of fragmentation is normal in adolescence; to a certain extent your life is fragmented. Looking back on being a teen I can see the how this time in my life was very emotional, split up and confusing. I wouldnít mind having my adolescent body back but the mental confusion stuff no thank you I shall keep 40 year old brain. It doesnít feel easy because it isnít.

So many aspect to life so many directions of like going on the educational, social then the girls, the meaning to life the wondering if there is a meaning and what to do with and bout some parts of your person is mature while others are still immature, and other in between. To an extent the fragmentation is normal phase of life but when it goes to the extreme it can be the sigh of some thing more serious that needs to be taken care of however we can't tell you one way or the other the internet . . . .here is why . . . . . . . .

The internet persona yea it is not uncommon not even for adults. I will use my self as an example:

Here I am meadd823 the motor mouth meta minded moderator I tend to be verbal but I try to be helpful. I am a regular member of another site where my persona is Ms Pompous a$* I not helpful or supportive but arguementive and challenging. I project a portion of my personality here but I project another portion on the other site this means I too am abnormal or this is simply a normal variance to my personality. Yes I like to help people, I want have a positive effect upon others, I want to be liked seen as accepting, informative, but I can be quite arguementive sarcastic and I some times I think it is fun to blow other peopleís ideas straight out of the water. . . . . . I have a search engine hobby thing going due to my joy in research and learning . . I can use it to help people here or make a point . . . . . .but in the other atmosphere I use it to show opposing perspectives how many different ways they are wrong . .thus my nick-name Ms Pompous . . . . . I was shredding their argument to pieces insults were all they had left) They tried to make me feel bad I used this attempt as a spring board to create an entire projection because truthfully they are correct I can be a pompous a$* but I can also be helpful and informative.

To be truthful both "personas" are me I simply use different parts of my personality in the various atmospheres. If I projected here as I do on this other site I would not be a moderator, I am not sure I would even be a member. If I behaved there as I do here I would be eaten alive because it is not a support site. Because of this knowledge of myself I would say your internet gaming opened up a part of you. The feeling of being shielded allowed you to feel safe enough to try another approach to dealing with others which apparently was successful it is only natural to see if it can be just as successful in real life . . . . . .but the person who some times feels like a piece of trash and the persona of feeling confident because you are capable are simple different approaches to the same life you can easily be both but still the same person. My helpfulness and my arguementiveness are my different approaches to the same life I merely adapt according to atmospheres but I am still the same person.

Some time I have been able to meet a person I have met on-line and the person is always different than the persona because we as people are more than what can be communicated in postings or e-mail. See I met the man I presently live with over the internet. . . . . . .so projecting only a part of ones personality is due to natural barriers and changes in approaches are adaptive to diverse environments to an extent depending on the degree. Weather on-line or in a group we all ďplay a roleĒ so to speak.

Again only you and a professional can determine when these behaviors have crossed the line separating normal variance to a condition requiring treatment. I feel when it comes to some ones well being it is better to be safe than sorry and when in doubt seek some one's educated advice preferably some one that is legally responsible for their opinion and recommendations.

Vhan
10-07-06, 12:57 PM
Well there was one night that I cut myself, then took the blood and used it to decorate a poem I wrote....

(I'm not that good a writer...)

I lision to my self scream as my soul begins to die.
Liveing from a moment to a temporary high.
My thoughts begin to take me to a diffrent place.
A distant life of happyness that I erased.
Replaced by all the people I let down and pushed away.

And deep inside I think I know why I feel so much pain.
Memories full of things I can not change.
All the times I forgot myself, and wanted to die.
The agony of liveing that tore apart my pride.

And the whole time I am inprisoned by the secret heart of shame,
knowing that--I--am the only one to blame.

I carry the poem with me, kind of a way to remind myself that I shoulden't let anyone I know personally get to close...Because if they do, then they will discover the poem, and were I keep it.

So its kind of a win-win. If I fail to push them away in time, then they will discover the poem, and leave on thier own.

moe.ron
10-08-06, 06:15 PM
thats not a good outlook

meadd823
10-10-06, 03:00 AM
Vhan your writing is actually pretty good you are eloquently expressive perhaps more than you believe. meadd823 interpretation rather funky in the beginning sorry the memories I have to kind of ease into accessing.

I lision to my self scream as my soul begins to die.
Liveing from a moment to a temporary high.
My thoughts begin to take me to a diffrent place.
A distant life of happyness that I erased.
Replaced by all the people I let down and pushed away.

According to this sentence two you once felt good almost high.
Sentence three indicates although you could feel the changes in the way you were thinking you could not make it stop. (btw I have been there and it does suck)

Four reiterates a past feeling of happiness and you feel responsible for erasing it because you began to distant yourself from people.

***begin memory bubble . . . . .when this happened to me I didn't what people to see the ugly changes, I didn't trust people even ones I knew, it was strange because I knew them but then again did I? Feeling alone did suck but having people close made the darkness worse almost unbearable, that would be on top of the embarrassment of having them around, worst of all they might ask questions, I didn't want no one to see, no I don't want to talk about it, I can handle it leave me alone)



And deep inside I think I know why I feel so much pain.
Memories full of things I can not change.
All the times I forgot myself, and wanted to die.
The agony of liveing that tore apart my pride.


(Every thought is painful the sunnier ones seemed like they happened to some one else I remember but as if from a distance almost like it wasnít me . . . . . envying the person that once was almost to a longing This only increases the already inescapable heaviness the hollow pain of deep dark nothingness I am inside. )


And the whole time I am inprisoned by the secret heart of shame,
knowing that--I--am the only one to blame.

Yea imprisoned is the word that describes the dark place perfectly because it is a prison of which there seems to be no escape. . . . . So unbearable donít think I can take any more. **** it all any way I am tired of caring it only hurts worse.

This lives inside of me it must be me other wise I could make it go away. All I have done is screw every thing up any way nothing I can do about it, it is over it is done. The darkness burns inside I canít make it go away some how I deserve this because of all the pain I have caused others . . . . . life is laughing at me; at my hideousness I feel only the emptiness of shame. . . . . . ***memory bubble ends

Yea I have been there done that burned down the factory but I didnít do it alone even though the very nature of the beast within this internal darkness makes even the thought of speaking about it unthinkable like you have no words . . . but then I wanted out I needed out or I was going to die painfully and pitifully in my own darkness. . . . . like you I had words Vhan they just werenít as eloquent.

The darkness is a lie. . . . and it is lying to you things are not the way the darkness makes them seem I do not care how convincing the perception or how accurate itís past predictions I am not playing in the least nor am I putting on I have been there and if you are for real then you should recognize the place.

I couldnít escape it alone and it did not go away on itís own. When I felt good it was like a bad dream that I was glad was over. .all I wanted to do was forget about it and move on . Then just when I thought I had escaped the dark place it would come creeping back I tried all sort of crap to make it stop things I canít even talk about here but still the darkness pursued me relentlessly just when I was ready to give up it would release me only to come again and again for years . . . . . . . how long do you intend to let the dark side mess with your mind? Escaping is up to you ditch the embarrassment and forget pride noting brave, daring or glorious about being driven mad by your own brain.

Your only chance man is to let some one in, some one who will listen but do choose carefully. Choose some one who has to listen to you, some one whose job will be in jeopardy it they do not. . . . you must escape or the darkness because it will consume you and come between you and every thing and any thing you hold dear. . . . it will rip out of your hand any thing that brings you joy and laugh in your face.


You didnít ask to be this way it is just what is happening to you but weather or not you choose to live life on this not so merry go round that part is up to you.

Even though there may be time when I am speaking a language you donít understand . . . . . . times the darkness will seem far away itís return will seem highly unlikely when enjoying a brief reprieve you will read my words and think I am full of ****. All I say is think what you want but if you do not get help it will not end. . . . you can help your self but it will take that really huge embarrassing step. . . . outside your self. . . . I canít make you do any thing you know that which is why you come here. . . . . but I canít save your from the darkness either. . . . that will be up to you. I have served my time in that dark prison I ainít going back. There is away out of the darkness but only one way . . . . . that is to GET HELP! No other way man donít let my age, rank and cereal number fool ya I have tried them all including ones you havenít been alive long enough to imagine.

Nothing more I can say or do the choice is yours. Good luck, you can do this you have talent we all do, talent it kind of comes with the territory, take the chance step out side of the secretiveness then you will understand. I do hope to see you on the other side where the darkness no longer rules !
Peace out !

Vhan
10-10-06, 09:23 PM
a perfect interpitation...