Ace
12-05-03, 04:54 PM
Many years ago, life brought me from New Jersey, through Wisconsin, to Kansas with my husband. He now has multiple medical problems, and the balance has shifted from our having an active partnership to my being the advocate/caretaker and he the care receiver. I have to make the appointments, remember the days and times when things are due, and take the initiative investigating choices and options. I now have to be the one to maintain the house and yard, keep the car maintainted, make purchases, clean, call repair people, and, in general, be a Grownup. No more fooling around. No more tuning out. The "grasshopper" has to learn how to become an "ant."
I'd sure like to be able to find the floors in ALL of the rooms of our house, and be able to put things in logical places. I'd like to be able to use the services my husband might qualify for without being mortified at the thought of strangers seeing the disorder that surrounds us. A couple of months ago, I realized that I was going to have to get some help structuring my life, and get some intensive care for this overstressed caregiver.
My sister and I once talked about how funny it would be if there were such a thing as "Adult-Onset ADD," as we named it, because if there were, we'd have it. That was at least ten years ago. What I did for hours on end when I was supposed to be accomplishing something I called "coloring." When she'd call and ask what I was up to, I'd say I was "Oh, just 'coloring'". In other words, there seemed never to be a PRODUCT, merely disorganized, pointless, unending PROCESSES.
As I child, I was always sassy, scatterbrained and antsy. I was very creative, especially about getting out of work, avoiding baths, cutting corners, and letting my mouth do the walking. I lost rather a lot of stuff and broke rather a lot of things I took apart. (Some things never change :-). My mother once scolded me by saying something I have never forgotten: "Don't you ever have a baby, because you'll put it in the bathtub and go off and forget where you left it." I have never had children (Does this make Mother right . . . or wrong? I'll never know.). I thought she wasn't such a hot mom herself, and now I believe that she struggled with ADD, too.
I manipulated my way through public schools, was lost and miserable as an undergraduate, and got an almost-free ride through graduate school, which was easy. I have had several jobs over the years, but I have never had a career. I even was accepted in another university at age 43, and spent 10 years taking courses in a new field I loved and was very good at. But I never could pass the required math courses, and so I never got my 3rd sheepskin, which I had certainly earned.
SEVEN WEEKS ago, while my husband was hospitalized across the street, I marched into the community mental health clinic and laughed and cried my way through the initial screening process. Afterwards, I told a handful of people that I was beginning treatment for ADD. One woman said, "Well, it sure took YOU a LONG TIME." A friend, said, "Good grief, what B--- S---!" After 5 weeks of counselling, I told my psychologist, "Please don't tell me I don't have ADD." She said, "I think you do, with the HD in remission, but you know what? It's hard for to know what to do with someone like you. I can't say we've ever had a 62 year old woman walk in to our facility and announce for the first time in her life, 'No one's ever told me this, but I think I have ADD, and I think I always have.'"
Today I am on day #4 of an introductory trial of amphetamine salts. Next week I try Ritalin, and then compare ( I guess). I'm starting on an interesting journey, filled with hope for the future, and feeling unspeakable sadness for all the life choices I've let ~others~ make for me, and for all the opportunities I was unable to accept. I am 62. I can't be 23 again. Can I make 63 a pretty fine year? I hope that visiting with all of you here can help me on my journey. I will read many posts, and take all your stories and experiences to heart. Thanks for reading this.
Ace
I'd sure like to be able to find the floors in ALL of the rooms of our house, and be able to put things in logical places. I'd like to be able to use the services my husband might qualify for without being mortified at the thought of strangers seeing the disorder that surrounds us. A couple of months ago, I realized that I was going to have to get some help structuring my life, and get some intensive care for this overstressed caregiver.
My sister and I once talked about how funny it would be if there were such a thing as "Adult-Onset ADD," as we named it, because if there were, we'd have it. That was at least ten years ago. What I did for hours on end when I was supposed to be accomplishing something I called "coloring." When she'd call and ask what I was up to, I'd say I was "Oh, just 'coloring'". In other words, there seemed never to be a PRODUCT, merely disorganized, pointless, unending PROCESSES.
As I child, I was always sassy, scatterbrained and antsy. I was very creative, especially about getting out of work, avoiding baths, cutting corners, and letting my mouth do the walking. I lost rather a lot of stuff and broke rather a lot of things I took apart. (Some things never change :-). My mother once scolded me by saying something I have never forgotten: "Don't you ever have a baby, because you'll put it in the bathtub and go off and forget where you left it." I have never had children (Does this make Mother right . . . or wrong? I'll never know.). I thought she wasn't such a hot mom herself, and now I believe that she struggled with ADD, too.
I manipulated my way through public schools, was lost and miserable as an undergraduate, and got an almost-free ride through graduate school, which was easy. I have had several jobs over the years, but I have never had a career. I even was accepted in another university at age 43, and spent 10 years taking courses in a new field I loved and was very good at. But I never could pass the required math courses, and so I never got my 3rd sheepskin, which I had certainly earned.
SEVEN WEEKS ago, while my husband was hospitalized across the street, I marched into the community mental health clinic and laughed and cried my way through the initial screening process. Afterwards, I told a handful of people that I was beginning treatment for ADD. One woman said, "Well, it sure took YOU a LONG TIME." A friend, said, "Good grief, what B--- S---!" After 5 weeks of counselling, I told my psychologist, "Please don't tell me I don't have ADD." She said, "I think you do, with the HD in remission, but you know what? It's hard for to know what to do with someone like you. I can't say we've ever had a 62 year old woman walk in to our facility and announce for the first time in her life, 'No one's ever told me this, but I think I have ADD, and I think I always have.'"
Today I am on day #4 of an introductory trial of amphetamine salts. Next week I try Ritalin, and then compare ( I guess). I'm starting on an interesting journey, filled with hope for the future, and feeling unspeakable sadness for all the life choices I've let ~others~ make for me, and for all the opportunities I was unable to accept. I am 62. I can't be 23 again. Can I make 63 a pretty fine year? I hope that visiting with all of you here can help me on my journey. I will read many posts, and take all your stories and experiences to heart. Thanks for reading this.
Ace