My husband's inability/unwillingness (whichever) to do things that need done has been getting worse.

He's fully medicated, his doctors don't think that additional medications will do any good. They say it's up to him to use the helping methods they've taught him, which he refuses to do. He won't wear a watch, he won't use his day planner, he won't leave himself notes.

I can't live this way anymore.

In his last therapy session, I told him and his counselor that I can't. My husband now has a deadline - he MUST improve certain actions by the end of October, or he must move out.

I HATE this.

But several of these items are safety issues. He leaves doors unlocked when he leaves the house - while I'm asleep or in the shower. That cannot be tolerated - he continued to do that while the local police were doing a manhunt for a RAPIST in my neighborhood!

The rest are normalish couple problems. Except they've been problems for years without improvement. Like chores. I'm exhausted. I've been carrying the load of every single chore in our home for months. He just doesn't do any. ANY. This isn't an issue of me asking for too much, or having expectations too high. The dishes he's supposed to wash have MOLD on them, for crying out loud! MOLD!

I'm done. I can't handle the entire load by myself. He has to help, or he has to go.

Any support out there?

It tough but sometimes people with ADD do need to be in a "Do or Die" type of situation. Has he taken any steps yet since you gave him the deadline?

I feel your pain. My husband and I bought a 5200 square feet house before his ADD was diagnosed, and never did I imagine I would be the only one taking care of it and cleaning! Especially since most of the messes come from him, his son, and his dog. Ugh. Not to mention all the landscaping that has to be taking care of...again, all me. And I work a full time job, it's not like I am home all day to do these things. Plus, I have made the vast majority of our income the last 3 years. So, things have always been very lop-sided and I have developed alot of resentment. And he feels it and gets angry right back.

I wish I had a perfect solution for you, but I don't. Bottom line is that it may never get better. One thing you have to understand is that this is not just laziness, ignorance, etc. Most ADDers are just too distracted, don't see the chores that need to be done, forget, don't follow through, etc. etc. My husband is the king of good intentions, but no follow-thru. He's like a child that can not see the food he just spilled all over. He will do half a job and not see the rest. One time this summer we had 100 ants in our living room and I asked him to clean them up. So he vacuumed about half of them and moved onto something else. He seriously thought he was done, plus he never even did anything to prevent them from still coming in. I mean how can you miss 50 ants!?

It is amazing how he can head coach all his sons sports. He can make rosters, and plays, and spreadsheets, and schedules, and send out emails, and organize events, etc. etc. But he can not finish a load of laundry. It just boils down to what keeps their attention. Sports is fun, Sports makes him feel good, Sport is positive. Chores are not positive and do not make him feel good, and he the mess would not bother him anyway, because he does not even see it. Ok, he may see it, but it does not register in his brain that it is something that has to be taken care of.

We have even make a job chart at the suggestion of one counselor. He did do better with the chart, but still lacked, and eventually quit it altogether.

One thing I have always noticed is he is able to commit to routine. He does take out the trash every Tuesday night. He has never missed it once in 4 years. I think it is because it is routine, plus there is a consquence if he doesn't do it. I have been racking my brain on how to turn other jobs into a routine, but I think it would be impossible to do now in the same environment. We actually have our house up for sale, so when we do move, I have to develop those routines from the beginning. That is my only hope.

Hope this helps a little. I know how frustrating and exhausting it is. One other thing you can do is just try to work on not letting undone chores get to you. I used to be bother by everything, and frankly embarrassed if anyone were to stop by. But now, after months of working on it, it doesn't bother me so much if the dishes sit in the sink for a week or the floor is covered with dog hair. It make take him awhile to get around to it, but I have learned if I wait long enough, he does do soem things eventually.

Has he taken any steps yet since you gave him the deadline?No.

He is supposed to take the list of chores that are required to manage the household (its already written), write down how long he thinks each one takes and how often he believes it should be done, and then break the list into two approximately even lists - one list for me and one list for him.

That was suggested by me as the step he should do first and have finished this week, his counselor agreed that was reasonable, and my husband agreed to do it.

On Monday he sat down with the list and asked me to tell him how long each one took. I refused.

He sulked for an hour, sitting at the table telling me he didn't know how long it took to do the dishes. I suggested doing them as a good way of finding out. He sat there, and eventually folded the list up and walked away.

And that was it. Two days ago, and I haven't heard a word about it since.

I am going ahead with preparation for him to move out. Moving money around, getting our bank accounts separated, etc. He knows I'm doing all these things, he's had to sign a couple forms. But I really think this is it, I don't think he's going to do the work that he needs to do to stay.

I was counting on the "do or die" scenario helping. I'm sad it isn't.

kmwife, thank you for posting.

I'm glad you have a husband who is the "king of good intentions", but unfortunately, my husband is not. What I'm dealing with is not a man who tries to do things, and forgets, or gets distracted, or gets halfway finished and thinks it's complete. What I'm dealing with is a man who doesn't want to do things, who thinks he has too many things to do already, and who refuses to even consider doing more.

When I talk about undone chores, I really mean NOT done - at all - ever. He simply won't do them. Period. End of story. He does not raise one finger to do them. I do not have a case of "wait and he'll do them eventually" - my husband will not do them today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. He will not do even half of them. He simply won't do them at all. He will sit around and watch TV or read a book, complaining that I expect too much of him and that he doesn't have time to do what I ask.

I used to buy that, but I don't anymore. Maybe once he moves out he'll figure it out. Or he can go on not doing chores. At that point it doesn't affect anyone but him. He's carried this further than anyone I've ever heard of, and it's time for it to stop.

I know this situation is hard to understand, because it is not the norm. But it's what I'm dealing with.

Diane: you said he hadn't done any chores for months. Was there a time when he did? If there was, what do you think happened to change it?

Have you looked into having him work with an ADD Coach?

Buy him a watch and remind him to wear it. Get a carabiner and put the house and car keys on it and remind him to wear it. Buy a bunch of postit notepads and leave them and an abundant supply of ink pens laying around the house. Gently remind him to use them. He will sometimes use them and someytimes not... but it will help some. Get lots of pens as he will lose them frequently. Don't give him a choice in the matter, but surround him with solutions instead of creating a confrontation that will have inevetably bad results.

Persomally, I think a planner/organizer is silly... some neurotypical person's idea of organization that is not well suited to a nonlinear mind... but some adders have good luck with a planner/organizer (I do not, but I do all the other things).

I'm lost without my watch. I make sure I wear it, always.

I use lots of postit notes at work, but never do at home.

I lose my keys if I don't handle them the same way every time.

At home, I have one, and only one place that I keep my keys at. IF my keys are not there, I am wearing them on my belt. If I make the mistake of laying my keys down somewhere... they are tyopically "lost" and I end up with a long, laborious search for my "lost" keys.

If you are one of these people who like to pick things up and move them to some place more "logical" you are making things more difficult for him.

At work, I use my computer to organize my work. I do okay there.

He will hate the imposition, but will understand the logic of it and eventually will give in. (If he is anything like me). Try to not be confrontational in your approach.... neither one of you needs the extra anxiety.

My guess is that he has a lot of overwhelm for whatever reasons and his ability to organize is reduced because he can't place things to do in a meaningful sequence.
Doing all those "extra" things to be more organized is just something else in his huge ongoing concurrent todo list (which is possibly what is so overwhelming in the first place).

The more you pressure him the worse it will get. You need to realize that one of the core features is that the harder he tries to focus on a task... the harder it gets to focus. One good way to make adhd "worse" is to try to force an adder to get "better" and be more like everybody else.

Maybe you need to focus on what works for him as compared to what someone else (who probably does not have adhd in the first place) says works in theory?

I guarantee , he hates it more than you do. If you push him hard enough, don't be surprised if he gives up on it and leaves you.

Me :(



My husband's inability/unwillingness (whichever) to do things that need done has been getting worse.

He's fully medicated, his doctors don't think that additional medications will do any good. They say it's up to him to use the helping methods they've taught him, which he refuses to do. He won't wear a watch, he won't use his day planner, he won't leave himself notes.

I can't live this way anymore.

In his last therapy session, I told him and his counselor that I can't. My husband now has a deadline - he MUST improve certain actions by the end of October, or he must move out.

I HATE this.

But several of these items are safety issues. He leaves doors unlocked when he leaves the house - while I'm asleep or in the shower. That cannot be tolerated - he continued to do that while the local police were doing a manhunt for a RAPIST in my neighborhood!

The rest are normalish couple problems. Except they've been problems for years without improvement. Like chores. I'm exhausted. I've been carrying the load of every single chore in our home for months. He just doesn't do any. ANY. This isn't an issue of me asking for too much, or having expectations too high. The dishes he's supposed to wash have MOLD on them, for crying out loud! MOLD!

I'm done. I can't handle the entire load by myself. He has to help, or he has to go.

Any support out there?

Buy him a watch and remind him to wear it. Get a carabiner and put the house and car keys on it and remind him to wear it. Buy a bunch of postit notepads and leave them and an abundant supply of ink pens laying around the house. Gently remind him to use them. He will sometimes use them and someytimes not... but it will help some. Get lots of pens as he will lose them frequently. Don't give him a choice in the matter, but surround him with solutions instead of creating a confrontation that will have inevetably bad results.

Persomally, I think a planner/organizer is silly... some neurotypical person's idea of organization that is not well suited to a nonlinear mind... but some adders have good luck with a planner/organizer (I do not, but I do all the other things).

I'm lost without my watch. I make sure I wear it, always.

I use lots of postit notes at work, but never do at home.

I lose my keys if I don't handle them the same way every time.

At home, I have one, and only one place that I keep my keys at. IF my keys are not there, I am wearing them on my belt. If I make the mistake of laying my keys down somewhere... they are tyopically "lost" and I end up with a long, laborious search for my "lost" keys.

If you are one of these people who like to pick things up and move them to some place more "logical" you are making things more difficult for him.

At work, I use my computer to organize my work. I do okay there.

He will hate the imposition, but will understand the logic of it and eventually will give in. (If he is anything like me). Try to not be confrontational in your approach.... neither one of you needs the extra anxiety.

My guess is that he has a lot of overwhelm for whatever reasons and his ability to organize is reduced because he can't place things to do in a meaningful sequence.
Doing all those "extra" things to be more organized is just something else in his huge ongoing concurrent todo list (which is possibly what is so overwhelming in the first place).

The more you pressure him the worse it will get. You need to realize that one of the core features is that the harder he tries to focus on a task... the harder it gets to focus. One good way to make adhd "worse" is to try to force an adder to get "better" and be more like everybody else.

Maybe you need to focus on what works for him as compared to what someone else (who probably does not have adhd in the first place) says works in theory?

I guarantee , he hates it more than you do. If you push him hard enough, don't be surprised if he gives up on it and leaves you.

Me :(Couldn't have said it better.

Diane: you said he hadn't done any chores for months. Was there a time when he did? If there was, what do you think happened to change it?
Oh, yes. He did his share (and sometimes more, like when I was sick) for several years. I don't know what caused the change. It was gradual, though. His counselor hasn't been able to determine what caused the change, either.

Okay, then, you know he can do them; now it's just a question of finding out why he stopped and how to motivate him. Sometimes you just don't know what's going on. My DH started getting just awful a few weeks ago, stopped talking to me and when pressed, finally told me he was thinking about leaving. I was devastated, but started preparing myself for that. I insisted we see a counselor night before last and he immediately zeroed in on the fact that DH was incredibly depressed. Then he admitted he hasn't been taking his anti-depressents. I had no idea.
By the way, I think it's an ADD trait not to lock doors and sometimes not to even shut them. My DH leaves before I get up and often I find the door just standing open.

kmwife, thank you for posting.

I'm glad you have a husband who is the "king of good intentions", but unfortunately, my husband is not. What I'm dealing with is not a man who tries to do things, and forgets, or gets distracted, or gets halfway finished and thinks it's complete. What I'm dealing with is a man who doesn't want to do things, who thinks he has too many things to do already, and who refuses to even consider doing more.

When I talk about undone chores, I really mean NOT done - at all - ever. He simply won't do them. Period. End of story. He does not raise one finger to do them. I do not have a case of "wait and he'll do them eventually" - my husband will not do them today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. He will not do even half of them. He simply won't do them at all. He will sit around and watch TV or read a book, complaining that I expect too much of him and that he doesn't have time to do what I ask.

I used to buy that, but I don't anymore. Maybe once he moves out he'll figure it out. Or he can go on not doing chores. At that point it doesn't affect anyone but him. He's carried this further than anyone I've ever heard of, and it's time for it to stop.

I know this situation is hard to understand, because it is not the norm. But it's what I'm dealing with.
I definitely did not mean to make him sounds like he tries at everything. He does not at all. He actually refuses to do chores on a regular basis. What I meant is that if the sink is so full and there are no dishes left to use, he will do them. He has no choice. I just eat out every meal so it only eventually bothers him. I also stopped grocery shopping for the household. When it got to the point where we had absolutely nothing left to eat, he went to the store and bought some stuff.

So yes, when it comes down to no other choice, he will excert some effort. Is this anyway to live?? Absolutely not. He lets life control him, instead of controling it. I have always lived the opposite, being proactive, organized, etc. His lifestyle is very frustrating to me.

Your first step is to detach. Let him feel the consequences of his behavior. Forcing him to move out is one way. But then again, he may be just fine in his own filth and mess of a life. Plus no one will be around to nag him about it. He might be just find and I don't want you to be surprised...

I feel for you though. They leave us little choice. It's miserable.

Well, I thought I would toss my two cents in here....

I have ADD, but, there is a time in everyone's life where one must say, "Okay, what am I doing wrong and what can I do to make it better?" ADD or not. I had a fiancee once that would do exactly what you describe, while I worked two jobs to support him and me, and still did all the cleaning and cooking. One day I just felt tired of him not trying to work on himself or his not having a job, I got tired of telling him I would leave. He got mad that I spent my own money on something because he wanted to buy something for himself...it was the last straw....I left. Last I heard he never did change. He just kepy mooching off of people.

The moral of the story is, you can't get anyone other than yourself to change, people have to WANT to change. Your guy doesn't sound like he wants to change. It sounds like he needs couselling, if it hasn't/doesn't work, maybe you should consider a trial seperation and see if that kicks him into gear.

Good luck,
Chele

The moral of the story is, you can't get anyone other than yourself to change, people have to WANT to change. Your guy doesn't sound like he wants to change. It sounds like he needs couselling, if it hasn't/doesn't work, maybe you should consider a trial seperation and see if that kicks him into gear.
I gotta second Chele on this. YOU can't do anything for him. More over, if you do, he thinks you'll always do it. (I swear ADD men are even more like kids than kids). Sometimes they gotta be tossed in the deep end and either learn to swim or drown. And if you try to save them, they only drag you under with them. Just hold firm to your decisions and your knowledge that your doing the right thing.

Well, the ADHD aspect has been covered here pretty well. Please remember, he is also a MALE, and just plain common relationship issues are in cue here too. Men will naturally resist being told what to do, especially by a female. If he did these things once, and he has pressure now and is not responding, maybe you and the indivudual you two are working with can also add in this angle. I truly believe in the philosophies of Mars and Vensu books. ADHD just compounds it. Your marriage was my marriage. I made mistakes and didn't do what I could have done to help my ADHD ex, and he neither took much responsibility for his lack of attention to matters. I became exhausted, pleaded for help, he resisted, I left and never looked back. There are lines of pride and ego, responsiblity, and possible depression that were crossed as well. Please try taking a look at the books, Im sure there are some good relationship issues that will help in the mix as well.

Thought I'd post an update to this, since it's been a while.

My husband kicked his butt into gear and he's been doing just fine. He didn't really react when I told him at his counseling appointment that he had until October 20 to start doing his half or move out by October 31. But when I told him a couple days later that I had meant it, and that which one would happen was completely up to him, it seemed to click.

And he's been doing his half of the things that need done ever since. It's very nice.

Of course we'll have to see if it continues or not. Once the "do it by October 20 OR move out by October 31" deadlines are past, he may revert. If he does, I have my strategy lined up. I will not live that way again.

Wow, Diane! I hope his changes stick. And you stick to your guns too, or he knows he won't have to continue to work so hard. You know that too. Best wishes to you both. :-)