I really need some validation.

I often have the adult ADD telling me that he had told me something when he's only said part of the sentences or without completing with a noun.

Eg. I lost what I typed (thought that he told me: I lost what I typed to my boss)

I keep being told that I've been told bla bla bla but I either only heard half of the sentences or never even hear anything. He just kept thinking that he had told me when it was in the head running the words yet no words were expressed out.

HELP!! I think I'm going nuts!!!!

Bahahaha!

I do this on occasion too.

Instead of saying "I'm going to go down the stairs", it'll turn out "I'm going to go stairs".

I'm aware of it enough at times I'll usually catch it and repeat it what should've been said, then blame it on lack of coffee or something. It usually happens more when I'm tired.

My son does this to me all of the time.

He will say something like mom, I am going to have a snack, I say ok, then he starts to leave after the snack, and as I catch him, and ask where he is going, he says, mom, I told you when I was talking about the snack. I think sometimes thoughts go unstated because by the time the first part gets out he has already moved on with his other thoughts.

My DS does that. It comes out totally different from his head by the time the words get out of his mouth. He also does the thing where he WILL ONLY TRULY hear mostly just the first part of a sentence or instruction. If you are ADHD as well, that could be what's happening to you. It is laughter fodder around our house most of the time, because we understand this about each other, and I know it's just gonna be this way.....

But, out in the real world, can be a bit dangerous. I do carry a sticky pad and pen if I'm going to be getting instructions from anyone while I'm up and about at work, and often repeat back things to aid in the understanding in communication.

ADDers have a tendency to "check out" during a conversation.

You have to remember that your ADDer is not only having a conversation for you, he is thinking about work, or what he is going to have for dinner... or perhaps he notices something else going on in the room... With that in mind, we don't always get everything that is said to us. Our minds can be pretty busy.

I have a workaround for this, but both you and your ADDer have to make an effort on it.
It won't be perfect, but it can help...


Here it is..

Try to make eye contact with your ADDer. If he/she is not making eye contact, politely remind him.her to do so..... Making eye contact helps keep attention focused on the conversation.

Keep it short, clear, and to the point. If you are long winded your ADDer is likely to chek out and not get it all...

Another thing we do is leap to the conclusion before you are finished talking. From that point on, we tend check out, or wait impatiently and maybe just fidget, wishing you would cut to the chase and say what needs to be said....We already know what you are going to say (or think we do), so our precious attention will be applied elsewhere. In any case, we don't hear you well after this point is reached, because we are basically bored, our mind has already moved on to someting else, and we are ready for something new to grab our focus. This is mostly because we are impulsive, and probably partly due to our inner hyperness.... It is up to the adder to realize this and pull his/her focus back by asking you to repeat what you just said.... be kind and patiently repeat what you saidif asked.

Also, we tend to skip around a bit in conversation... but we also tend to come back to the primary thread of the conversation after wandering off topic. It's really a matter of cognitive style.. it is how our brain works and our manner of communicating reflects our neurology. Some "normal" people find this kind of conversatoin to be a bit odd... or confusing, stressful, or downright irritating.... sorry folks. We can't help it... Work with us on this and just stay tuned to what we are saying.

Me :D



I really need some validation.

I often have the adult ADD telling me that he had told me something when he's only said part of the sentences or without completing with a noun.

Eg. I lost what I typed (thought that he told me: I lost what I typed to my boss)

I keep being told that I've been told bla bla bla but I either only heard half of the sentences or never even hear anything. He just kept thinking that he had told me when it was in the head running the words yet no words were expressed out.

HELP!! I think I'm going nuts!!!!

In my case, anytime I do this it's more because the thought of what I'm about to say comes out faster than I can say it. Basically the words can get jumbled up when they're leaving my mouth.

I haven't checked out of the conversation (at that moment, anyway ;):D), it's just that I need to slow down when I'm talking.

So glad to read these postings. I'm always checking out of sentences as I'm saying them.

Or:
Stuttering slightly

Using the wrong word in a cliche ("You're passing the bill" instead of "buck")

Using the wrong name when I'm talking about several people (This is particularly amusing when I'm talking about historical figures. Drives everyone crazy.

Not really hearing what I'm saying because I'm thinking the sentences yet to be said

Now that I'm 54, I can pass them off as "senior moments" but I'm been doing this all my life. And wondering all my life what the heck was wrong with me.

Hi Peridot,

I use the wrong word, too. Sometimes, it's a word that should go at the end of the thought; sometimes, it makes no sense at all.

Someone else had a suggestion of blaming it on not having coffee; I should start doing that ;)

I do something similar when I write, but not usually when I talk (at least not that I'm aware). I'll combine two words ("with the" usually comes out as "withe") or skip over a few letters or words. My brain is just going faster than I can get the words down, and my hand winds up confused about which words or letters it's supposed to write.

I just wish that my H could see it himself that he does this as well. If he read these posts he would say that he doesn't do that but I know he does!! He has blamed me for so long for not hearing him properly, that he can't see that its him!!

With my son and my husband, I repeat back to them exactly what they said because they missed out some key information so I can't get what it is they are trying to say, and they flip out and say "You don't get it!!" "Thats not what I said" and then the fight is on! I try to calmly say "yes that is what you said but you left out something and I don't understand !" It usually ends up with my son crying in frustration or my husband saying it was me hearing him wrong!! I wish I could hit record and instant replay!!

I find it hard to understand why some of you with ADD can see your own "mistakes" while others like my husband, can't.
Is it counselling that helps ?
Is it denial on my husbands part?
What gets them to see its them... in the way they communicate? He is always saying its the way I say things but I don't have that problem with others understanding me or taking things wrong, just them.....oh and an estranged friend that has depression/OCD and a few other disorders that hasn't been identified! That says something to me!!

what you need to do is record what he says an vido it as well thats the only way to get though this cos nether side we win if this denial contines good luck dorm
note the denail is on H part not yours

Thanks dorm for that. Its just that I never know when we will get into it and the video isn't set up and ready to go. I guess this is something I should have just sitting around ready to use but that would be hard. I agree that this is probably the only way for him to "see" his part in this.

I just wish that my H could see it himself that he does this as well. If he read these posts he would say that he doesn't do that but I know he does!! ...I wish I could hit record and instant replay!!

I find it hard to understand why some of you with ADD can see your own "mistakes" while others like my husband, can't.
Is it counselling that helps ?
Is it denial on my husbands part?
What gets them to see its them... in the way they communicate? A person can't deny what he honestly doesn't see...
Not saying he doesn't see and deny, it's possible.

I honestly cannot believe I make these mistakes. But my husband says I do and he is thoroughly honest, so I have to accept that in general, (in theory) I do. In specific, on any given occasion, my memory insists vehemently it is right. It's only the exercise of rational perspective that keeps me from reacting emotionally when conversations go wrong, accepting at least the possibility that I misheard or misspoke.

That and the fact that my husband makes the same concession, however little he may believe it... that he could be wrong too. It's too tempting to blame when conversations go wrong rather than trying to get back on course.

I really wish for the record and replay too.. :eek:

If your husband just can't see the possibility that his ADD might cause communication difficulties, maybe an ADD experienced behavioral therapist would be the way to go. But I just keep hoping for a book that would explain it all and provide a routine for fixing it... (Sigh.) Anyone got a suggestion?

Its just that I never know when we will get into it and the video isn't set up and ready to go. My husband points out that the video would have to be on all the time.... he says sometimes I juxtapose conversations or put them together so that the parts that are misspoken / mis-heard might be several hours apart.

[QUOTE=charonshanti]

That and the fact that my husband makes the same concession, however little he may believe it... that he could be wrong too. It's too tempting to blame when conversations go wrong rather than trying to get back on course.QUOTE]

Yes this is what my husband always says that I am not right all the time!! No I am not, no one is!! But he NEVER thinks I am!! Its ALWAYS me that has said something wrong or heard it wrong. Not him. Thats what has me so angry and frustrated that he cannot ever see that maybe possibly he could have heard wrong or not said something the way he thinks he did.

What ticks me, as this is now worst after he has been diagnosed ADD. You would think that he would realize that it isn't HIM its the ADD that causes all the missunderstandings, but then that to him means it is him and he won't take any responsibility for doing anything wrong. What a vicious circle!!

Yes I agree that some kind of counselling or therapy would help him but I can't see that happening. Maybe I just have to get to the point of walking out of a conversation when I KNOW its going to turn ugly. That is something I haven't tried yet but thats probably because I am trying to reason with him to explain what was said. I should realize I can't and thats the hard part for me. Its so hard :(

yes true m A .....>but bit time doing it would mean less stress for you its what id do
or you could have 24hour reorcding in your home 24/7 something def to think on good luck dorm

My DW acuses me of being intentionally obtuse when she makes a conversational leap that I can't follow. Often this will involve an ambiguous pronoun or first name. "Sally says blah blah blah..." - Sally who? Sally Brown? Sally Jones? Sally Smith? We know lots of Sally's and we weren't talking about any of them just now?

Maybe I just have to get to the point of walking out of a conversation when I KNOW its going to turn ugly. That is something I haven't tried yet but thats probably because I am trying to reason with him to explain what was said. I should realize I can't and thats the hard part for me. Its so hard :(It would drive me nuts too. In your spot I'd feel like the only adult in the room.

I leave conversations too, especially once I figure out we may be using the same words but we're talking about two different things. Don't know what he's talking about, but it sure isn't what I'm talking about. And it sometimes happens over things that shouldn't carry any emotional weight, and suddenly there's all this tension---from where? I don't get it. And it's there before I even know the conversation's in trouble.

At least in my case I know that the solution is probably in my hands, if I can just figure it out:eyebrow: .... in your case, I wish many, many wonderful friends with whom to discuss all the things you'd like to have said but had too much good sense, and a sudden and soon 'whoa, maybe it's my ADD' moment for your husband.

It would drive me nuts too. In your spot I'd feel like the only adult in the room.

I leave conversations too, especially once I figure out we may be using the same words but we're talking about two different things. Don't know what he's talking about, but it sure isn't what I'm talking about. And it sometimes happens over things that shouldn't carry any emotional weight, and suddenly there's all this tension---from where? I don't get it. And it's there before I even know the conversation's in trouble.

At least in my case I know that the solution is probably in my hands, if I can just figure it out:eyebrow: .... in your case, I wish many, many wonderful friends with whom to discuss all the things you'd like to have said but had too much good sense, and a sudden and soon 'whoa, maybe it's my ADD' moment for your husband.
OHHH YES I have been waiting for that moment!!
Thanks charonshanti for great understanding of this problem. Its hard to see at the time when you get caught up in it!!!
Don't know if that day will ever happen though.:faint:

OHHH YES I have been waiting for that moment!!
Thanks charonshanti for great understanding of this problem. Its hard to see at the time when you get caught up in it!!!
Don't know if that day will ever happen though.:faint:Well, I don't know either. I know I wouldn't be looking at this part of my ADD so hard if I hadn't joined the forum and heard from someone besides my husband that ADD can really mess with your communication.

"Frequently disagreeing with close family about what was said, done or planned" is not one of the questions on any ADD self-rating scale I've seen.I wish it was...if it had been, I might have gotten smarter sooner.

My husband and I have known for a long time that something was going weird sometimes with our communication, but I would have taken odds it wasn't me doing it. I've always been better with people, so that means I'm a better communicator, doesn't it? At least that's what I assumed. And even after learning about ADD and seeing it in myself, I wouldn't have linked it up with our communication, without the forum.

I just wish someone could figure out the mechanics of what happens and explain it in a way all of us could understand and watch out for, whichever side of the situation we're dealing with. Sigh.. Awareness that there is a problem helps but doesn't solve.

Mrs. A, I doubt it's much comfort, but reading your posts has been a huge incentive for me to keep working on this.

I've discovered that there are often two completely different perceptions in a conversation between an add and nonadd person...sometimes they touch and become one and sometimes they dont' at all, which is when you have problems later.

Sometimes things are easier written down, in either a log book or via email. This was suggested by forum member, she and her husband would have a log book where they wrote important messages to each other about responsibilities and tasks, e.g. paying bills. They were both responsible for reading and signing the log.

May seem tedious but if it's for important items...a good control mechanism.

Hey, Crime Scene. Love your avatar, by the way....

I had been thinking almost exactly on the same line and came back to post, and you said it first. Well, at least about the written word being a lot more reliable. I hadn't taken it as far as the log book idea. My usual response to being asked to do something out-of-the-way is "would you please write that down for me so I'll remember it?"

I never thought about it being an ADD workaround, but this might be why my husband and I have sometimes resorted to writing each other letters about things our minds aren't meeting on in conversation. It's a great way to get lightly over some rough ground.

So... for those of you who are dealing with an ADD'er who would read a letter, it's worth a try. The rule is always of course to keep such letters kind, positive and non-blaming as possible without dodging the issue. But choose a relatively positive and non-inflamatory subject to start with... my husband sometimes justs asks me to write him a letter about what I've been thinking about. I always thought, "oh, how sweet." Now I'm wondering how many times he was thinking "what in the world is she thinking?!!!! Argghhh!"

Oh, and about the one who just says "sally", without specifying which... count your blessings. :) I've been known to introduce new characters into the story line with a simple "he" or "she". Which makes me obtuse, though not deliberately!

Well, I don't know either. I know I wouldn't be looking at this part of my ADD so hard if I hadn't joined the forum and heard from someone besides my husband that ADD can really mess with your communication.

"Frequently disagreeing with close family about what was said, done or planned" is not one of the questions on any ADD self-rating scale I've seen.I wish it was...if it had been, I might have gotten smarter sooner.

My husband and I have known for a long time that something was going weird sometimes with our communication, but I would have taken odds it wasn't me doing it. I've always been better with people, so that means I'm a better communicator, doesn't it? At least that's what I assumed. And even after learning about ADD and seeing it in myself, I wouldn't have linked it up with our communication, without the forum.

I just wish someone could figure out the mechanics of what happens and explain it in a way all of us could understand and watch out for, whichever side of the situation we're dealing with. Sigh.. Awareness that there is a problem helps but doesn't solve.

Mrs. A, I doubt it's much comfort, but reading your posts has been a huge incentive for me to keep working on this.
I agree with you!! And actually, I thank you for letting me know that in some way I have helped you!! I am hoping with my persistence, that I will get it through to my husband that, Yes he needs to work on it and learn more and I am also willing to but it has to be understood that HE is the one with this disorder and its not fixed just with meds.