andecala
10-09-06, 05:17 AM
Choosing the right forum for this thread was much harder than I expected. I have know no idea where this thread/post should go.
I'm getting a bit overwhelmed by my life. My ADD "diagnosis" is less than a year old. It was masked by a lot of other issues, including severe trichotillomania and depression (who wouldn't be depressed if they couldn't stop themselves from pulling out their own hair).
I know that I live a very priviledged life with a beautiful, supportive, loving family. All of my needs, and most of my wants fullfilled. I have even, on occasion, reached my full potential, and it still amazes me that I can become overwhelmed when the things that are happening in my life are much more good than bad.
My baseline difficulty is this:
I have tremendous trouble getting in the bed at night. I get these overwhelming impulses that say I can't let go of the day until I have accomplished something. Then I get overwhelmed by the number of things there are to choose from, and I wind up playing computer games trying to accomplish a high score, pulling so much hair out that I have to shave my head, or watching TV for hours trying to get my moneys worth of cable. Sometimes, I feel so guilty about waisting so much time on these distractions that I stay up the rest of the night doing chores after, and on occasion even go to the gym, as penance for my lack of self-discipline. I figure there is no point in going to sleep because my Dearest Daughter is going to wake up at her usual time no matter what.
As one would expect. I'm constantly exhausted, I drag myself through my days, and I have large dark circles under my eyes.
My ADD husband is coming to terms with the fact that he will often have to go to bed by himself or give early notice and several reminders, if he desires to be intimate.
Most mornings, "Morning Chick" is furious at "Night Chick" for staying up so late. (Seinfeld) MC has to try to get my body's "vital systems" online and drag my exhausted a_s out of the bed. MC often feels like a hopeless failure before I even get out of bed. At or around 7:30am my Dearest Daughter is standing at her bedside asking for Sesame Street no matter how tired I might be. She is ready to get her day started, and what kind of mom would I be, if I didn't do my best to make that happen.
Soon... the race is on to get the DD to pre-school by 10:00am. I hope and pray that by the time DD goes to kindergarten I will be able to get her there on time.
On a good day, my 300mg Wellbutrin XR and 375 Effexor XR get swallowed during the morning whirlwind with enough food to protect my stomach from upset. Lately, I've been using caffeine to give me enough charge keep me from going back to bed, or daydreaming the day away. I feel like I need it to have enough jitteriness to keep me from sitting down for extended periods of time. Then at least I can usually get some chores or errands down.
These days, I consider a successful week to include 1 trip to church, 6 trips to day care (2 trips three days a week), 2 trips to the gym, 3 loads of laundry washed and put away, 5 dishwasher loads started (Dearest Husband empties), 6 days with a shower, 2 night classes (ADD coaching by phone and Financial Peace University), 7+ meals at home, and at least 40 hours of sleep. Grocery shopping and other errands are bonuses.
I am extremely sensitive to caffeine and usually have trouble sleeping after a few days of caffeine use, even when I only drink it in the morning. Dunkin Doughnuts decaf has enough caffeine to keep me up all night if drink it after 3:00pm. As a result, Night Chick can't get in the bed on time and the cycle begins all over again.
I know I can't continue doing this to myself, and yet here I sit in front of the computer at 5:20 in the morning afraid to go to sleep before I get my DD off to pre-school. I'm also getting really hungry already.
There is so much more that I used to be able to do, and so much more I want to do with my life, but can't seem to get my act together. I feel like I need a mom (not my mom, she is very loving, but in denial about her own ADD). This Imaginary Mom watches over me to make sure I get to bed on time, eat properly, exercise regularly, plan realistically, and teaches me to recognize my progress and be more patient, loving and accepting of myself. I can share my strangest, darkest, scariest, and most illogical thoughts and feelings with Imaginary Mom and she always responds with understanding, love, and (if need be) firm but gentle correction. If ownly she exhisted.
I pray that I can be that to my own daughter, someday.
But at the moment I still can't decide if I should go to bed, get something to eat, go to the gym, do some chores, watch some TV, play more computer games, or just sit here and cry over another night of "spilt milk".
I'm getting a bit overwhelmed by my life. My ADD "diagnosis" is less than a year old. It was masked by a lot of other issues, including severe trichotillomania and depression (who wouldn't be depressed if they couldn't stop themselves from pulling out their own hair).
I know that I live a very priviledged life with a beautiful, supportive, loving family. All of my needs, and most of my wants fullfilled. I have even, on occasion, reached my full potential, and it still amazes me that I can become overwhelmed when the things that are happening in my life are much more good than bad.
My baseline difficulty is this:
I have tremendous trouble getting in the bed at night. I get these overwhelming impulses that say I can't let go of the day until I have accomplished something. Then I get overwhelmed by the number of things there are to choose from, and I wind up playing computer games trying to accomplish a high score, pulling so much hair out that I have to shave my head, or watching TV for hours trying to get my moneys worth of cable. Sometimes, I feel so guilty about waisting so much time on these distractions that I stay up the rest of the night doing chores after, and on occasion even go to the gym, as penance for my lack of self-discipline. I figure there is no point in going to sleep because my Dearest Daughter is going to wake up at her usual time no matter what.
As one would expect. I'm constantly exhausted, I drag myself through my days, and I have large dark circles under my eyes.
My ADD husband is coming to terms with the fact that he will often have to go to bed by himself or give early notice and several reminders, if he desires to be intimate.
Most mornings, "Morning Chick" is furious at "Night Chick" for staying up so late. (Seinfeld) MC has to try to get my body's "vital systems" online and drag my exhausted a_s out of the bed. MC often feels like a hopeless failure before I even get out of bed. At or around 7:30am my Dearest Daughter is standing at her bedside asking for Sesame Street no matter how tired I might be. She is ready to get her day started, and what kind of mom would I be, if I didn't do my best to make that happen.
Soon... the race is on to get the DD to pre-school by 10:00am. I hope and pray that by the time DD goes to kindergarten I will be able to get her there on time.
On a good day, my 300mg Wellbutrin XR and 375 Effexor XR get swallowed during the morning whirlwind with enough food to protect my stomach from upset. Lately, I've been using caffeine to give me enough charge keep me from going back to bed, or daydreaming the day away. I feel like I need it to have enough jitteriness to keep me from sitting down for extended periods of time. Then at least I can usually get some chores or errands down.
These days, I consider a successful week to include 1 trip to church, 6 trips to day care (2 trips three days a week), 2 trips to the gym, 3 loads of laundry washed and put away, 5 dishwasher loads started (Dearest Husband empties), 6 days with a shower, 2 night classes (ADD coaching by phone and Financial Peace University), 7+ meals at home, and at least 40 hours of sleep. Grocery shopping and other errands are bonuses.
I am extremely sensitive to caffeine and usually have trouble sleeping after a few days of caffeine use, even when I only drink it in the morning. Dunkin Doughnuts decaf has enough caffeine to keep me up all night if drink it after 3:00pm. As a result, Night Chick can't get in the bed on time and the cycle begins all over again.
I know I can't continue doing this to myself, and yet here I sit in front of the computer at 5:20 in the morning afraid to go to sleep before I get my DD off to pre-school. I'm also getting really hungry already.
There is so much more that I used to be able to do, and so much more I want to do with my life, but can't seem to get my act together. I feel like I need a mom (not my mom, she is very loving, but in denial about her own ADD). This Imaginary Mom watches over me to make sure I get to bed on time, eat properly, exercise regularly, plan realistically, and teaches me to recognize my progress and be more patient, loving and accepting of myself. I can share my strangest, darkest, scariest, and most illogical thoughts and feelings with Imaginary Mom and she always responds with understanding, love, and (if need be) firm but gentle correction. If ownly she exhisted.
I pray that I can be that to my own daughter, someday.
But at the moment I still can't decide if I should go to bed, get something to eat, go to the gym, do some chores, watch some TV, play more computer games, or just sit here and cry over another night of "spilt milk".