Hello to all. Boy does it feel good to read all of these past posts! I was all ready to begin my much-needed rant and rave, tears already pouring down my face as they so often do these days,...when I realized it's all been said and done before.
So many of the impossible-to-live-with things I experience daily have happened to you all, and I can just read my own 6 year history w./ my husband in your words.
God is it all so painful and somehow comedic!

I guess at this point I just have 2 questions I'd like help with.

#1 How many of your spouses are alcoholics or pot addicts and have spent their lives "self-medicating"?

#2 Where can I find ADD-coaching or some type of ADD-specific therapy very cheap or free? Since his ADD is so out-of-control, we have no money. And by no money I mean, foreclosure-in-process, visiting the food bank kind of no money.

He has recently started meds, but it seems pretty evident to me that when someone has spent 46 years with no accountability for time, and all the other obvious things we all see, meds alone cannot suddenly make someone look at a clock, budget time, bring home a paycheck, pick up a telephone, etc....

Thanks to all.

For inexpensive counseling you may consider a few possibilities:

Faith based groups- Services are not based on YOUR faith (or lack thereof). I used to go to Jewish Family Services for my own personal counseling, and they work on a sliding scale. I am not Jewish, nor was I 'converted'. I just had a GREAT therapist. One of my best buddies is Catholic and found support through a similar Catholic Family Services. Check it out. Often websites for these groups will list the therapists and their specialties. AD(H)D is not uncommon to find as a specialty in one of these groups.

Inquire at the local university. You may be seen by a student, but they are often very engaged and anxious to do A GOOD JOB. Sometimes this is better than a jaded, possibly burned out shrink- hey, they're people too and they have stressful jobs.

You might look at general ADHD sites for suggestions for local counselors.

If you go to a free health clinic- available in many cities- you might inquire as to mental health care there as well... they may have some good references for inexpensive/sliding scale clinics.

Just a few thoughts.... hope they are helpful. I am a Non- ADD spouse, and my husband had to stumble through a few shrinks until he found the right one. And I don't know if she really IS the right one, but right now she is close enough!

When I was dealing with the diagnosis/denial/anger/etc., I often would remember something my father told me (specifically when teaching me to drive) "You always have to look out for the other guy, because they probably aren't looking out for you." The lesson is, take care of yourself! I know it is hard and frustrating and even embarrassing to deal with this. But take care of yourself! YOU. You can't help anyone well unless you are able. You matter. Your needs and concerns are valid and important. Hopefully you can talk about them with an affordable therapist.

Best wishes, and best of luck!

Gooferamus525

Hello and welcome. Please feel free to vent anyway. Yes, it may have been said over and over, but that's okay -- if we don't feel what you're feeling right now, we'll feel it tomorrow or we felt it yesterday. My husband is 64, found out he had ADD a few years ago, hasn't done much about it although he desperately wants things to change. But by now, he's built up such a past history of failures, he doesn't think it's worth trying. He is on something for depression, and that's helped a lot. He has found a wonderful therapist that charges on a sliding scale -- and he found him at a MeetUp group. He had tried the Chadd group in our area and didn't like it and I don't know how he found this one, but it feels comfortable to him (and he met the counselor there). I really agree that this is the time to take care of yourself. Maybe you have no money -- but you can take yourself for a walk in the gorgeous fall, or maybe to the dollar movie, get some great books or movies from the library -- and try some of the counselors that were mentioned above for yourself. This is a mighty force we're dealing with (and they're dealing with it too, of course), but it can look like laziness, carelessness, meanness, and like they're doing it "to us." As you've found, it really helps to cruise around these boards to see how frustrating it is to have ADD, so that sometimes we don't have to take it so personally (although that's tough!). Glad he's on some medication. My experience is that it goes very slow. They get a boost from getting a diagnosis, then coast on that a while. From what I've read on here, and watching my guy, he had great hopes for Ritalin, etc. but nothing happened and he got discouraged. Finally he got an antidepressant. Right now is the first time he's really seen a therapist regularly (and it's because I'm going with him). I think the right doc is crucial, and you'll find they're much too rare -- you'll find docs that "don't believe in ADD," and you'll want to smack them and get them to come live with you for a few days. My cousin has ADD, lives in Baltimore and found a great doc at Johns Hopkins...don't know if they have reduced rates. But I bet if he can find a group, someone there might be able to steer him in the right direction. We all wish you luck.

Well, my wife is ADD and a heavy drinker. Used to do the pot thing and progressed up the scale to the point where coke was tried on a few occasions. Scared the bejesus out of her and that ended the drug problem however the booze has stuck around these last eighteen years. Her Dad also an undiagnosed ADDer at 70 also has a severe drinking problem as does her non ADD mother and her ADD sister. My daughter and son are also diagnosed as ADD and ADHD so my goal is to keep them off drugs and booze if that is possible.

Hey Addrus-- Yeah that is a big one for me as well. With two little kids at home, I am planning what I can do to help them grow up healthy. The genetics of ADD and addictions scare the H**L out of me, so I am trying to prepare.

My beliefs about it are based on honesty and open-ness. My parents didn't believe in talking about sex, drugs, etc.... These things were either "bad" or didn't exist in our household.

I am trying to talk about everything with my kids. I don't believe in waiting until "the right time", because every parent I know who has waited never finds the right time. They wait until they are 12 and the kid already learned everything the WRONG way....from other kids.:cool:

I know I can't prevent them from everything, but I just want them educated with the truth...not Ronald Reagans truth, not their fathers reliance on chemical happiness, but the truth about how good alcohol sometimes makes people feel, and how easy it is to become an addict....what an addict is....how hard it is to live with addictions, etc.....

I've also made it clear to my husband that if he doesn't work on getting better, I will divorce him. :soapbox: I don't believe it's a good idea to allow the behavior to continue unchecked indefinitely with kids growing up. They learn by example....either the example of me accepting substance abuse, or the example of me saying, "no...that's not an acceptable way to live."

Good luck!

I have to admit that I also drank way too much, partly not knowing what was going on and partly because it was just easier. It took a really good therapist to jolt me into the reality and see how it was affecting my behavior. Now there’s something I can control. So we have managed to eliminate the daily drinking at home. It's now limited to dinners out and while visiting either at home or while out. This to me is a good first step, but I'm working towards a total elimination. Not easy when I just gave up smoking in February at the same time. Same therapist helped me to see that my smoking was related to the stress and I was using it as a crutch. I can see this becoming a bigger issue down the road though as my ADDer doesn't appear to realize the alcohol affects and is more reluctant to let go.