I'm really feeling hopeless right now. Not so much for myself, but for my ADD partner. As one who really hopes to live in a clean, neat house someday with someone who will come home from work and communicate with me, I just don't know that it will ever happen with this person.......:(

Dealing with the myriad problems lately...the severe ADD, the drug and alcohol addiction, the financial catastrophe (that is left entirely to me to deal with), I often find that nasty inner voice saying "My life is a G** Da** mess!"

On good days when I feel strong, I am able to remember,"No,...MY life's not a big mess, HIS life is a mess and it's infringing on mine!" :p

He is finally trying meds, but how long must I wait before that light bulb comes on and he gets it together?

I'm concerned that age is a strong factor....i.e. if he's lived 45 Years with complete chaos ruling everything in his life, is there really any hope that that will change?

Feeling low......

I'm really feeling hopeless right now. Not so much for myself, but for my ADD partner. As one who really hopes to live in a clean, neat house someday with someone who will come home from work and communicate with me, I just don't know that it will ever happen with this person.......:(

Dealing with the myriad problems lately...the severe ADD, the drug and alcohol addiction, the financial catastrophe (that is left entirely to me to deal with), I often find that nasty inner voice saying "My life is a G** Da** mess!"

On good days when I feel strong, I am able to remember,"No,...MY life's not a big mess, HIS life is a mess and it's infringing on mine!" :p

He is finally trying meds, but how long must I wait before that light bulb comes on and he gets it together?

I'm concerned that age is a strong factor....i.e. if he's lived 45 Years with complete chaos ruling everything in his life, is there really any hope that that will change?

Feeling low......

ADD/HD or not, people need to want to change themselves, although from posts on this forum say that some meds help with certain aspects of the ADD/HD, he still has to want to change too.

Good luck, I hope things work out well for both of you.

wow read my thread ,sounds so much alike

If it helps any to know it, I was DXed a severe PI ADHD at age 40 and I am making progress :) of course its all about personal motivation, IMHO ;). Cannot teach a bull to sing, the bull has to reeeaaaalllly wanna sing!

If you want a clean neat house, clean it up and hire a maid if you can afford it. You can't wait or expect your spouse to ever get to this. I lived with the entire contents of our kitchen spread out over our living room for 3 months waiting for my ADDer to deal with it. She insisted that she was going to organize it after the reno and really meant to do it. She even insisted that she would call her mom over to help. Again like so many other things this never happened and I eventually gave up waiting and did it myself. This was before I knew anything about ADD. Once it has a name, it's better, not fixed but at least understandable.

As for the communication thing, I have not figured that one out yet either. I think they just don't realize they haven't communicated it yet. My ADDer went to have allergy tests yesterday (current belief that it's an allergy and all the problems will go away, kind of a denial thing I think) anyway, she asked me tonight if she had told me about how it went, she couldn't remember but clearly wanted to talk about it. Very strange world to live in this ADD thing.

It has been said many time that hope springs eternally. It is not just a euphamism, the fact is there is always hope. I'm not going to pretend to have solutions, because you probably have a better grasp on the solutions that work for you than anybody. BUT, just keep doing what you can. If you don't have hpoe , then you are guaranteed a bad outcome. So, knowing that you have choices and that there are many possible outcomes , there must be hope of somekind.. :p

Me :D

Hi guys, newly diagnosed here and wow.. I am the ADDer wife described above.. however tomorrow is day one on meds and husband returns from deployment in December.. I am hoping I can complete at least one of the tasks I have promised to him over the last 9 years of our marriage and 5-6 month deployments.. I actually have the perfect marriage.. he is anal retentive and OCD and a 15 year USMC officer, and I am severe ADD inattentive.. he thinks I am a typical southern spoiled woman.. and a hot dumb blonde cheerleader and I think he is an A**.. We will see how the medication fits into our dynamic. All the problems above.. diddo.. he of course is normal in his head.. I hope my humor helps.. Good luck!

ADDrus (love the handle!), bless you for your understanding.

Speedo, "hope springs eternal" was the first thing that popped into my head when I read this thread. Must be an age thing. :D

Red's Revenge, your marriage sounds like a match made in heaven. I look forward to more of your humour. :D

JustWantCalm, re: the age thing: ADHDers often crash and burn around middle age, seek a diagnosis and get treatment. No guarantees, but I truly believe life gets better at forty. I wish you luck.

Thanks for all of your replies and humor, etc...

I've become more pro-active about the situation. I keep remembering that with both ADD and clinical depression, that person may not be ABLE to help themselves, and since my husband has a severe degree of both, it's my responsibility to do something.

I've just spent enough years already with his volatile reactions to every little conversation, or his silence and inablility to cope with anything, that I started to just not communicate anything to him.

So, I'm forcing conversations about finances, work, ADD, etc... and keeping my calm regardless of his facial expression/frustrations, etc... I'm continuing to push regarding organization, coaching, & accountability.

At this point, I intend to find him a support group and/or ADD coach if at all possible. I am also trying to figure out the best system for his daily activity/billing/receipts, etc...

I'd love any input on which software, style of day planner, binders, etc... really work for ADD folk. I know there are some threads out there, but I'd like just a simple recommendation on "hey, this worked for me".

He thinks he wants a PDA type thing to fit in his pocket, but I believe it's un-realistic as all H**L. Not to sound cruel, but he loses keys, wallets and misplaces the cell phone with alarming regularity. He's also as hard on small electronics as an 11 year old boy:( .

Thanks for the input.

There is always hope. I've got ADHD (made much worse recently by approaching menopause), my husband is probably also ADD as are my two children. In spite of all that, things have really improved. Understanding what is going on has been very helpful. Medication was helpful, but not the whole answer. Counseling with a specialist in ADHD was extremely helpful as was learning all I could about ADHD through reading, workshops, etc. Treating the depression is essential. I think the co moribid diagnosis trip individuals up more than the ADHD. Cognitive behavioral counseling and exercise can go a long was toward treating depression in some cases medication specifically aimed at the depression might be needed (other times the mild anti depressant effect of ADD stimulent medication is enough).

Take care -- these things take time!
Scattered