My husband was diagnosed with ADD as a child, so I knew before we got married that he had it. We have been married 2 and 1/2 years, and at times they have been very rough.

He is often forgetful, and doesn't seem to be able to remember to do things that I feel most people would do. Last week I had shoulder surgery. During my recovery he did a very poor job of looking after me, even going so far as to leave me at home alone on pain killers without telling anyone (my family lives nearby) that he was leaving. I woke up and was confused and called my mom who came over to help. He came back later saying he'd asked me and I'd said it was ok, and that he hadn't really seen anyone on painkillers before.

This really upset me and my parents, who are wondering if he will ever be able to treat me the way they'd like to see him treat me.

There have been many instances during our marriage when he has forgotten important things, had "dramas" on occasions like my birthday, and generally not lived up to our wedding vows.

We have been seeing a therapist for a year and a half, and it seemed to be getting better, though we have hardly focused on the ADD in therapy. I am very upset and confused right now, after the debacle of my surgery (it was several other things in addition to his leaving me by myself). Our therapist yesterday suggested that some of these issues probably are rooted in his ADD.

I have been reading articles and forum postings today and I feel this may be true. But I don't want to excuse bad behavior.

I just want someone to tell me if you think this sounds like much of it stems from the ADD, and if there is hope for us yet.

Thanks.

Actually it does sound like ADD is a factor. One of the bigger issues with it is failing to think things through and consider the consiquences. For example, my husband did things like that, like expecting me to do things when I was clearly occupied (like writing paper occupied or even at work), or failing to notify people of things (like letting the health insurance co know we moved) and the usual misunderstanding and drama. It wasn't until I was diagnosised that what he was doing made sense; it was totally unconcious. As I learned to create the support systems for my own ADD, his has become managable (he's not as severe as I).

Is your husband receiving treatment for his ADD or just letting it run amok? Managing ADD takes more than counseling alone. With or without medication, there needs to be life style changes made to create the support and structure ADD finds helpful. Check out the resources forum here as a good place to start finding the info you'll need.

Good luck.

Thanks- He is actually on Stratera, prescribed by his regular doctor. I really think it would be a good idea for him to go to a psyciatrist who actually knows the ins and outs of the meds and who can adjust it so that it is just how it needs to be.

I love my husband so much and I can't stand to see our marriage suffering in this way. I know that we are going to have to start really addressing the problems that are directly affected by the ADD, and changing a lot of things.

I just want to feel like it is possible to make these changes.

I think that me educating myself and trying to understand him better is actually what is comforting me the most.

Larkyloo,

It helped me to read the section on kids ADHD. My parents, like many people, assume my absent mindedness is a "choice." It is not a choice to forget things and fail to think things through. Or neglect your loved ones. But the fact is, that those things do happen.

It touched me when I read that the thing most ADHD kids need the most is someone who accepts them for who they are. Separate the behavior from the person.

You have to teach him some the the skills you think he should already know. And it's hard, but I bet any amount of money he did not go off and leave you alone on pain killers because he doesn't love you or want to take care of you.

Good luck, dear! ;)

I guess the answer is also in what he has to say for himself. What does he say about leaving you alone post-operatively with no painkillers, and leaving you alone in the house without announcing he was departing?

Does he have a non-verbal learning disability, or is he socially inept, where he cannot understand non-verbal and implicit stuff? Is this Executive Function impairment?

Maybe his ADD impairment is just too much for him, and too great to be able to live up to the expectations of caring for anyone else but himself?

It sounds painful and sad -- but I'd also never suggest anyone stay with a partner out of pity or duty -- it is sad that he cannot function in these areas, but you have to care for yourself, too, Larky-loo.

ADHD is very impairing for some people. It can be a true life disability and causes mega-distress for many of us and our loved ones. However, there are no martyr points in heaven.

You deserve to be safe and cared for and to have your basic needs met too.

Some ADHDers may just be too strained to take on a rel'p. I've certainly felt my own limitations at times. The only person i can really care for is myself.

Maybe the doctors, or some ADHD books can give you answers.
Emma

He is often forgetful, and doesn't seem to be able to remember to do things that I feel most people would do. Last week I had shoulder surgery. During my recovery he did a very poor job of looking after me, even going so far as to leave me at home alone on pain killers without telling anyone (my family lives nearby) that he was leaving. I woke up and was confused and called my mom who came over to help. He came back later saying he'd asked me and I'd said it was ok, and that he hadn't really seen anyone on painkillers before. I wonder if his not knowing much about surgery or how painkillers work could play a part here? This doesn't necessarily have to do with ADHD. I suppose that if he didn't know that you might feel confused waking up on painkillers then it wouldn't seem like such a bad thing to leave you alone for a while (In case it was a while.).

It seems like he didn't get or didn't seek enough information about your surgery, or else he did and forgot. Forgetting is a part of ADHD, but there are things he could have done to help him remember.

I'm a bit confused by the he asked you part. If he really asked you and you said it was alright then I understand that as either you were not really aware because of the painkillers or you said it was alright although you didn't mean it.
Now, if it was the latter case I think you might belong to kind of different "cultures". Yours being "Don't take what I say at face value, I might be polite, think a bit behind it!" His being "You say this, then you mean this. If you mean that you should say it!"