View Full Version : I love you, but not in-love with you.....
10-21-06, 08:02 PM
I have been married to my husband for 17 years. He had some anger issues and we went to a marriage counsellor who diagnosed him with OCD and put him on Lexapro.
Since the Lexapro, my husband has decided that he loves me, but is not "in-love" with me anymore.
We have always been close and as my friend put it "joined at the hip". Now after 17 years of me being a committed, loving wife, he has decided he only married me because he did not want to be alone. He has told me I am beautiful and basically he just "worshipped" me because of me being beautiful and like a trophy wife or something and the fact that I catered to his every whim I guess.
My child recently got diagnosed with ADHD and from what I understand my husband may have this too. He is currently seeing a psychologist, but has told me he cannot even stand the sound of my voice, and has cut all ties with me and really with my son too.
He also said he is afraid he will hurt me, my son or himself if he did not leave our household. He gives me only "some" money, whatever he decides to and he blows his money on the weekend on whatever he would like while living with his "mommy" who caters to his every whim just like I did.
My question is this, Is this a typical response from a guys perspective with ADHD. I am so confused right now. I just would love to know why when he has always told me he loves me and that I am beautiful and he would never leave me that now he can just waltz away and act so "happy" while doing it.
He says he will "never be back" and that I had just better get over it and he is filing for divorce, but has not done that yet.
Any advice from any of you guys regarding this? What makes you happy? Any advice on how to win him back?
I mean, if I am beautiful and I fufill everything for him sexually and I am a wonderful mother and work 2 jobs in order to help put him through school, why can he just not be happy?
Thanks for any input you guys have.... I am so hurt and mad and would just love to slam the door right in his face, but I have heard that he may have a "change of heart" when he finally realizes what he is leaving and want to come home. I just hope that I can handle that if he does, because I am getting used to being by myself.
I was not allowed to handle any of the finances and so we went bankrupt and now I can actually do what I want with my own money, Wow, is that not nice. Before my money went to the bank and my husband used it for whatever he wanted. I was not even allowed to go to the Wal-Mart by myself. I was told I was stupid and there was always an argument brewing. I have read that this is typical in a ADHD relationship and wondered if with the correct meds as I think Lexapro has made him behave "nutty" would help us be able to go to a therapist and put our marriage back together.....:mad: :eek:
10-21-06, 10:37 PM
Why would you want to go back into a relationship like that?
The whole package sounds a lot like OCD to me. Obsessive thoughts can lead him in a myriad of directions against his will. It can approach nightmare proportions for the patient, based on what I have read...You might get him to go into therapy for his ocd, and possibly go with him so you both can get a bettwer understanding. OCD can change over time... it an get worse or better... It does not sound like he is well at all. He needs to realize that fact and get to work on recovering, because there is a lot that he can do to overcome it.
I'm no doctor, but it is my guess that it might help a lot if his adhd is also treated... hopefully he will eventually be able to mitigate his anxiety that way.
Yes, money issues are VERY common with adhd. He needs to face the facts and put himself on a budget.
Don't let him shred his whole life on an impulse.... I know you can't stop him if he is determined to self destruct, but IF he can get his ocd managed, and be more self aware, things might turn around. Go with him to see his doc and have a LONG talk with the doctor about the effects the meds are having on him.
The other side of the proverbial coin is that if he is not even going to try, then you might consider giving up on the relationship in order to avoid getting dregged into a nightmare that essentially has no end to it.
10-21-06, 11:36 PM
I do not really know why I do want to go back into a relationship like this. I am so mad right now I could just, well I don't know what I could do.
My son called his dad's cell earlier and his dad will not even answer him and nobody knows where he is at and also, I just found a pay stub he "forgot" to get and he makes more money than I even knew he made.
How did I get in this mess? For 17 years I have trusted someone and now to find out all this stuff. OCD/ADHD or whatever he has, he should not be able to do this to someone.
He is also threatening me if I go for divorce he will take a third of my property and make me sell our house to give him the third. This is land handed down from generation to generation in my family and I had mortgaged it trying to help out with the bills.
I am so "fed" up. I guess I was just so young when I met him and I loved him from the minute I laid eyes on him honestly and truly. He is the only man I have ever "been with" and of course he told me the same thing, but probably that might not have even been true.
I know you all think I am from the Land of Oz or something, but I come from a very small town and my dad is an alcoholic and I never got to go anywhere or do anything and when I met my husband, he swept me away and we went places and did things and I just thought it was wonderful, but you know, I paid for those things we did after we were married. Why am I so stupid?
I do want him to get help, but I do not know if that will help me to get over this and be able to continue the relationship. Right now I want to pack up and get me and my baby as far away from him and this town as I can. Probably it will not be possible, but I can always try.
I just want to raise my child in a way that he will know how to treat a "lady" and I am a "lady" and his wife will not have to go through this and that my little boy will be saved and someday be in heaven with me.
Thanks for all of your comments. I really appreciate it. I am normally very shy about things and so it takes a lot for me to even go to one of these websites and pour out my guts like this. It does help to relieve stress though.
Hope you all have a blessed day.
10-22-06, 08:55 PM
Oh you poor love!!! It's terrible how he is treating you i just can't believe it! And now he's threatening to take a 3rd of your property? Are you sure he can legally do that considering he has walked out and abandoned you and your child? I'd have thought if you get a divorce it will be HIM that is financially obliged to give YOU money. But i'm no lawyer. I would say go get some good legal advice though.
Please don't put yourself down over his actions, you are not stupid, you fell in love, it can happen to anybody, and if that person abuses the trust you gave him then it's no bad reflection upon you, but upon him.
I would say that he has showed himself to be so untrustworthy and to be honest malicious that in my humble opinion you would be better off not getting back together with him.
You sound like you have been a great wife and are a wonderful mother, this man is toxic and in time you will hopefully move on from this and maybe even find someone worthy of your love.
My sincere best wishes to you, be strong.
ETA Ooops! I just noticed this is in the mens section, sorry, i just noticed the title and it caught my eye because i had the exact same words said to me once. Sorry again.
Madnhurt, take care of yourself first.
10-23-06, 12:41 AM
I know this is on the mens's area but perhaps because you are married to one? I offer this post from a woman's perspective.
I would like to throw another perspective into this mix-not all guys with ADD act like this. In fact, after reading what you wrote, if you leave out the ADD, you could have been telling me a story I have heard too many times before. From my perspective and understanding of what you wrote; my training, and my obeservations and experience lead me to say that this sounds very much like emotional and psychological abuse. Please talk to someone about this possibility-if it is not, then you have ruled it out. But it sounds like a history exists of monetary control, demeaning language, and many other control issues. He may have ADD-but that is not always the reason for this type of behavior. I would hesitate to attribute the majority of his behavior on ADD! It may contribute to the problem, but is it the root? I don't now. No one really does.
This is a really tough, painful thing you are going through. Make no quick decisions. Don't be swayed by threats or begging or tears or bargaining. Right now, you and your son come first! Take care of the two of you! You are strong and capable. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You are capable of handling money and providing for your needs. You do not deserve to be talked to like that and threatened or harassed. Your son must be hurting very much-to be abandoned by his dad like that. He needs to know it is not his fault. Get counseling for you and your son so you can both see the situation for what it is!
This is my perspective, others have offered theirs. Somewhere in all this is at least a partial explanation-although the real reasons may never be known. There are many really good guys out there with ADD who would never act like this-many of them on this forum! We are here for you! Take care.
10-23-06, 12:37 PM
Your situation reminded me of a quote, madnhurt
A little baggage in any relationship is understandable; but when the Uhaul showed up, I should haver realized how this was gonna turn out.
Sounds your man (read putz) has got himself one heck of a Uhaul. And I mean one of them 30 footer's that you need a c-class liscense to drive.
10-23-06, 04:03 PM
Could this be some sort of mid life crisis?
A little baggage in any relationship is understandable; but when the Uhaul showed up, I should haver realized how this was gonna turn out.I love it!
10-24-06, 02:09 PM
He's playing with your head. The more you care about him leaving, the more he enjoys it. I don't know anything about him but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't know what love is, he may have never experienced it. This is not to be offensive towards you, since its not your fault. He'd probably never be able to experience it with anyone. Perhaps the medication has made him more insensitive? less empathetic? From your description he sounds sociopathic. I can understand how he might act like that. When I have a break up with a girl I get angry perhaps, and act very much the same way you described him. I'm not making this up either. I have anti-social personality disorder, depression, and ADD, i'm on zoloft and adderall. The medication, especially the antidepressant can make one loose sensitivity. Your best bet is to ignore him, act like you moved on, even if you haven't. He'll then be jelous that his trophy wife doesn't want HIM anymore, he won't like that. Right now you're playing right into his hands. The only thing that worries me about all of this is his remarks that he may act violently, do not take his threats lightly. Best of luck.
10-24-06, 03:12 PM
I know this is the mens board but....
I would have to agree with the others. You need to take care of yourself and your son first.
My opinion would be to see an attorney right away and take the pay stub with you. I am not sure what the laws are in your area but you should be entitled to some sort of child support and maybe consider an order of protection since he has already indicated possible violence.
It is going to be a painful journey for you and your son. But over time you will probabaly find that you are living a much happier life. Seek counseling for yourselves.
Be Stong - Be Independant....... There is a better life out there
10-25-06, 02:55 PM
It sounds like you need to talk to a lawyer and a counselor.
The lawyer because you need to get an understanding of what you need to do right now from a legal perspective - especially what is likely to happen in the case of divorce given the circumstances involved.
The counselor to work out the inevitable issues resulting from a long marriage to what sounds like an immature, controlling, psychologically abusive person. The end of any relationship is very stressful, but this sounds like it may be more so than most. You've got quite a lot of your identity tied up in this relationship, and it doesn't sound like your self-esteem is very high (understandably so). The new meds aren't responsible for the way he's treated you during your marriage. And you're not to blame for that, either. Healthy relationships are not controlling or demeaning. It sounds to me that you'll be better off without that negative influence in your life, and your son will be better off not continuing to be raised by someone who has such a skewed view of relationships.
10-25-06, 03:36 PM
Having read your postís Iím thinking the poster who said he is abusing you is right. I also think you are trying to blame his behavior on ADD because then it wouldnít be his fault. The way he is treating you and your son is horrible, and I have never heard of things like that having to do with ADD. It does however sound like some kind of personality disorder. I understand that your relationship as been very dependent, but donít let beeing alone scare you back into his arms. I understand that you are religious and that it might be one of the reasons that you want to get back with him. Your responsibility as a parent is much more important then not getting divorced. In some cases both parents together is not in the childs best interest.
11-28-06, 08:22 PM
Regardless of what his mental state is, the fact is he has been horribly controlling of you and aggressive toward you in his manner, e.g. with threats about the house.
Could I suggest 2 things...first, that you get some counselling for yourself, to help yourself get your thoughts sorted out, you cannot live under someones thumb for 17 years and not end up with the imprint of that time
and two, that you get an info session with a the best lawyer you can get who deals with divorces and find out what your rights actually are, so that you can make informed choices.
the right lawyer can make a world of difference, I've seen it happen with friends of mine..night and day.
Hope this helps
04-25-07, 06:35 AM
tozic and frustrated..how many women has had to deal with the crap.?