I haven't found a good thread about this so I'm starting my own. How do people with ADD feel or show affection? If they miss the subtle clues of others and they are unable to express themselves in this way, then what lets an ADD person know that someone loves them?

From my experience I have given gifts such as jewelry and flowers and been told that gifts of material goods feel to her like payment instead of love? Not sure this makes sense but the best I can figure is that her parents, while completely absent to the point of abuse as a child would always throw money at her to make her "happy". So now any material gift in her mind is not equated to a symbol of love.<O:p</O:p

At one point I was in the doghouse for not expressing my feelings and our anniversary was coming up so I proceeded to give her flowers and plants every morning for the 16 days leading up to our 16th anniversary. She's was an avid gardener for a while; however this too seems to have passed. I went to the store before breakfast every day for half a month and brought her flowers that I know she likes. This was met with skepticism every morning and by the end I was told that she felt this was not an expression of love but a "show" or performance that did not really show my true feelings. I'm not sure what she thinks my true feelings other than love might be. I presented her a card and gift of a dozen roses on the final day. Not really sure what else happened except we went for a nice dinner etc and I didn't get anything from her. I didn't mention this at the time, however much later the whole thing came up at a marriage counselor meeting and I brought up that I was very upset that I went to this great extend to express my feelings and got nothing in return. As it turns out she had purchased a gift for the occasion, but she had forgotten to give it to me.

Since then the topic has come up from time to time. She has said recently that she doesn't really know what love is (a step forward I think), so asking her what I can do to show my love for her hasn't worked very well.

I haven't found a good thread about this so I'm starting my own. How do people with ADD feel or show affection? If they miss the subtle clues of others and they are unable to express themselves in this way, then what lets an ADD person know that someone loves them?

From my experience I have given gifts such as jewelry and flowers and been told that gifts of material goods feel to her like payment instead of love? Not sure this makes sense but the best I can figure is that her parents, while completely absent to the point of abuse as a child would always throw money at her to make her "happy". So now any material gift in her mind is not equated to a symbol of love.<O:p</O:p

At one point I was in the doghouse for not expressing my feelings and our anniversary was coming up so I proceeded to give her flowers and plants every morning for the 16 days leading up to our 16th anniversary. She's was an avid gardener for a while; however this too seems to have passed. I went to the store before breakfast every day for half a month and brought her flowers that I know she likes. This was met with skepticism every morning and by the end I was told that she felt this was not an expression of love but a "show" or performance that did not really show my true feelings. I'm not sure what she thinks my true feelings other than love might be. I presented her a card and gift of a dozen roses on the final day. Not really sure what else happened except we went for a nice dinner etc and I didn't get anything from her. I didn't mention this at the time, however much later the whole thing came up at a marriage counselor meeting and I brought up that I was very upset that I went to this great extend to express my feelings and got nothing in return. As it turns out she had purchased a gift for the occasion, but she had forgotten to give it to me.

Since then the topic has come up from time to time. She has said recently that she doesn't really know what love is (a step forward I think), so asking her what I can do to show my love for her hasn't worked very well.
Theres a lot going on here and to be completely honest, I had to read several times to figure out who in your relationship has ADD. That isn't meant as negative at all, I simply mean that what you are describing for both of you could be characteristic of ADD, as well as other underlying things. You seem to have a great deal of insight and are at least making an effort to try to understand what be the cause of her apparent rejection of the gifts that you are offering as a representation of your feelings. Regardless of the actual cause (ADD, insecurity, whatever), you can't "fix" the way she reacts to or feels about receiving gifts. In order to do so, she would need to work towards gaining insight (via therapy or whatever works for her) so that she understands herself. That said, you yourself seem to have a great deal of personal insight, patience and a wonderful ability to express to her how her behavior makes you feel. By your doing so, instead of blaming or internalizing her reactions, will help you maintain your own self esteem in difficult times such as these.
Without knowing your wife, I would have no way of knowing if she is being completely honest about how she feels about your gifts. I would ask you, has your pattern of giving remained consistent over the marriage and has she always reacted in the same way? Maybe a change is in order. If she has ADD, she may be reacting out of familiarity, predictability, which may not fulfill her personal need for novelty. Change is a positive thing in most cases, for everyone, but definitely is a necessity for someone who has ADD/ADHD.
In all however, you seem to be doing wonderfully in your marriage and your concern for the present challenges shows your dedication (but with a healthy dose of objectivity), which is something to be admired.

People with ADHD feel the same as people without. I think there might me more to it than ADHD, such as a history of abuse, etc.

You have a point that people with ADHD can miss non-verbal cues; however, people who were previously abused can be more tense to certain reactions.

Keep up with the counseling and try not to focus so much on ADD being a contributing factor to your issues.

Sorry for the confusion with the first post. Sometimes it hard to put what’s bothering you into words so thanks for the patients you’ve shown in reading it.

My goal here isn’t to fix or change what she does or feels, but to understand how to communicate with her. I’ve seen in many posts that in order to get your point or message across it may be necessary to beat them over the head with it. I thought the flower example might be just that. So based on your responses I must assume the message was delivered, however it was rejected and I’m not sure why.<O:p</O:p

My pattern of giving is the only one I’ve every really known, so I must concluded that yes it has stayed consistent, however the flower example would be out of character. Her responses have also been consistent over the years and I never really thought about it much. Now that I look back I see there where many times where I would give cards and or gifts and the gestures were never reciprocated. It seems to be an ongoing complaint among the non-add spouses as it appears in many posts. Her responses to receipt of those gifts has also been “politely reserved” is the term that comes to mind, but this matches her character for the most part. She doesn’t fawn or rave over stuff.<O:p</O:p

I would like to provide a thoughtful gift that shows what she means to me for Christmas but I’m really at a loss. With that being said I’m also looking for clues to expressing my feelings on a more regular basis. Something that might break through the wall she seems to have. I’m starting to think that NewADDgirl might be right and this has more to do with the years of neglect and a fear of getting too close.<O:p</O:p

I would also keep up with the counseling, however our marriage counselor pronounced us cured and stopped seeing us! My wife went without a counselor for a time but I believe she is back to seeing someone. I’m not sure it’s the best person as they appear to focus on addictions and not ADD, however my wife hasn’t talked about it yet. Another common complaint here is that ADD people tend not to communicate and this is one of my wife symptoms. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get information from her, not much is volentered.<O:p</O:p

ADDrus, one of my favourite books about adult ADHD is Driven To Distraction.

Hi Imnapl,

I love the handle, I must assume you are a Mac user, have you considered putting that on your license plate?

<O:p</O:p

I read that book last fall. I laughed, I cried, I learned a lot. This is an excellent read for anybody with or without ADD. It’s funny that my wife bought the book to learn about ADD when my son and daughter got diagnosed with ADD. I assumed at the time that I didn’t need to read this book as my wife was doing all the leg work for the kids. She would buy lots of books, I’ll bet we own close to every book written on the subject. At the time I didn’t realize the communications problem and that important information would not be volunteered to me. I also found out that there were whole sections on the effects of ADD on relationships that I was never made aware of. I really wish that somebody had said, oh your wife and kids have been diagnosed with this ADD thing. Read these books. Oh well, I’ve now read many books and have a much better understanding of many things that just plane baffled me. <O:p</O:p

<O:p</O:p

I also found it very interesting that my wife had bought all the books however she had never read any of the relationship chapters or anything adult related. She claimed she would use them as reference books, only looking up items for clarification against the work she is doing which is trying to prove a link between food allergies and the symptoms of ADD. <O:p</O:p

<O:p</O:p

I don’t believe she has realized the extent of her ADD and how it affects her life including her relationships.<O:p</O:p

Thanks. Not on the license plate, but I do drive a Volkswagen AND use a Mac. Sigh. And who said ADHDers aren't predictable?

ADDrus, as you are probably quite aware of already, each individual takes the time they need to adjust to detours on their journey. It sounds like your wife if still trying to sort things out. It took me several years to adjust to the "new" me and grieve for the "old" me; especially the undiagnosed child me.

I knew about food allergies long before I ever knew about ADHD, but your wife needs to learn things at her own pace.

The best advice I can give you is to take great care not to confuse what is "normal" with what is "ADHD".

ADDrus, I think people have different ways of showing love, and also appreciate different "showings" differently according to this.

Maybe gifts don't speak love to your wife and that's why she's reacted as she has. If so maybe she hasn't gotten you many gifts cause she might not realise they mean something more significant to you than they do to her.

well i don't have ADD so i can't really give yo any insight that way but i don't like to have material gifts sometimes either because they can feel a little bit empty in a way because money is usually involved and sometimes people think about the worth of a gift in a dollar sign sort of way not that you do but that whole stigma attatched to it makes it sort of tainted if that makes sense :pbut i think a really nice type of "gift" is to plan for you both to have a nice time together doing something and bonding and just sharing an experience. it doesn't have to be expensive but if you do want to splurge it's probably one of the ways you could do it without her thinking as much about the materialism of it and it might allow her to just have a nice time with you and forget about any stigma or whatever attatched to the whole "gift" thing. some other things you might want to try are making things from scratch like making her a nice meal or writing a poem or a song (i know this isn't everyones forte and it can come across as kind of corny and silly but even if it sucks you can have a good laugh:D). maybe the fact that she doesn't have to unwrap anything will lessen negative feelings she might be associating with recieving gifts. hope these suggestions help you

I tried the special evening in July for her B’day. We go out to plays fairly often and she mentioned she wanted to see Hair. It was playing so I got tickets for the same week as her B’day. Some scheduling mix up meant we couldn’t go and I got the tickets credited, however our busy schedule didn’t allow for us to reschedule. I think if she really wanted to go, we would have worked it out but it was too low on her priority list. I suppose I should have pushed harder, however she did say she wanted to go.

I don’t know if it’s an ADD thing or not but she over schedules everything, I think it’s the bad time estimating problem mentioned in the books etc but with her scheduling our lives out to 3 or 6 months we never have time to just go see a movie. I’ve tried to talk to her and tell her to leave 10% – 15% of the time available for last minute stuff or whatever, but she insists on scheduling every free moment to the point that we are constantly stressed and never seem to have a free minute. I don’t yet know how to fix this either. Spontaneity can’t be planned 3 months in advance!

I’ve also noticed that she has no problem finding time for her family, not mine. Has anybody else noticed a preference for the ADD to not want to spend time with the non-add spouse’s family? My wife’s father is exactly the same and he is undiagnosed ADD as well.

I’m thinking about the personal gift thing.<O:p</O:p

Hi there--sounds like you guys are already going in the right direction....seems like its a combination of things--the material part would probably be a preference thing, but the timing issues are def. ADD--I bet she really would have liked to see Hair, and still does--but sometimes, things we enjoy just seem to get at the bottom of the list, even though they are important to us.....

If you have no time to go out, can you just spend an evening at home, and do all the cooking, cleaning, etc. before she gets home? Just something that shows you're willing to spend TIME vs MONEY for her. I personally like gifts, but really appreciate the thoughful, inexpensive gestures a whole lot more---those are things that really touch me.

Hi happycat,

Yes, we've talked about missing hair just last week and she was upset. I also figure some of the stuff I'm running into is abuse from her younger days. It seems to have twisted some of the relationship ideas around. This will take some time to figure out and resolve, but she has signed up to see somebody that her personal trainer recommended so I have hope.

I would say yes cook, clean and a special evening in would be ok, but she really likes the time out and the change of view. We both work from home and I already do the cooking and cleaning :(

I started painting a year or so ago and I'm getting better at it. I'm thinking of doing a portrait.

Then perhaps take her out one night and just insist she has to cancell everything--make it more of a suprise :)

And portraits are nice, but a word of warning--if the portrait doesn't come out quite right, she may think that's what she looks like to you, and get her even more depressed... just a thought.

Given what you've said about the family history there may be more to the communicaion problem here than just ADD. I'm non-ADD but have a long family history and can be very sensitive to big displays of gifts. You might try writing her a letter when you want to express your love - it's a "gift" she can keep and re-read. For me, a really long hug is the absolute best expression of love I can get. :)

Since then the topic has come up from time to time. She has said recently that she doesn't really know what love is (a step forward I think), so asking her what I can do to show my love for her hasn't worked very well.Well, ADDrus, all I can say is that your posts express a lot of love for your wife. I am sorry that she is unable to understand what love is. You seem to and I admire you for wanting to understand her better.

How about forgetting the "expression of love" question and simply say to her: "Honey, I've noticed that you really haven't gotten too excited about the gifts that I have given you over the years. Is there something that you would like from me for the holidays?" You may get an answer that is revealing. Then again, you might not!

Jamais

jsah1977 and Jamais, thanks for the votes of confidence. I asked her for a list of what she wanted and I got one. Since the emotional aspect of the gift seems to be lost on her, I'll just deliver something from the list. At least it will be something that she asked for and it won't be yet another gift that gets shoved in a drawer. I will get her a nice card though and spend some time writing in it. She does collect her cards. She's an avid collector of many things. It does seem that the cards carry some significance for her though. So thanks for the input and we'll see how it goes.

Not sure if you're familiar with the Five Love Languages, a book by Christian psychologists. It describes how we each have a preferred love 'language' which we use and understand love with - touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation. Often in a relationship, we use one 'language' and our partner uses another - and hence, though each tries hard to communicate love, we don't 'connect'. It might be worth exploring these different options - which apply to any relationship. It sounds like your 'language' is gifts, and that is how you show love. She can see it with her head, but it doesn't connect to her heart. My DH's love language is acts of service, and he'll do heaps around the house to ensure I feel loved. My language is words of affirmation, so I'll praise him. But we don't connect unless I take the time to do some acts of service for him, and he says things to me. Just a thought....:D

try reading the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. It is very much an eye opener.

People with ADHD feel the same as people without. I think there might me more to it than ADHD, such as a history of abuse, etc.

You have a point that people with ADHD can miss non-verbal cues; however, people who were previously abused can be more tense to certain reactions.

Keep up with the counseling and try not to focus so much on ADD being a contributing factor to your issues.Listen to what this person has to say.

Coming from a male who was abused I can say this:

Do not let it become too late like I did... love the person who means so much to you. It was asked what the person with ADD needs. I can tell you I HAD everything I needed. I no longer will hear her voice or know if she is okay anymore, all because I was too stubborn to ask for help or to explain. Now that it's too late for me...

Please. Please. Just listen to the person who loves you for being you. They need to be heard.

It is probably too late for me... but do this for yourself.

HI ADDrus,

I'm nonADD with a best friend who was ADD. The gifts he appreciated the most were novel things, or things he had an interest in.

I"m a big believer of lists, and have never been shy to let people know, if they ask, some options of what to get me. They can be assured that I really want it, and that I will enjoy it, and I do not feel miffed ever that they were not intuitive enough to "get" what I want. I dont' often give many clues really, so it's best that I just give a list.

Hope this works for you!

It really does sound like you are trying your best. I hope she appreciates that.

About the ADDer not wanting to spend as much time with the partner's family as their own, I know exactly what you mean. My partner is always pushing me to visit her family and seems offended when I want to spend more time with my own (both of us have family on the east coast but live in California). Yet she doesn't make any effort to spend time with my family.

My mom treated us to a trip to Hawaii with her and her husband and my girlfriend left early and spent half the time there working because she was trying to cram everything in at the last minute and couldn't get it all done before the trip. My mom thought it was incredibly rude.

Regarding the gifts, I notice my girlfriend tends to be very ungrateful. This may not at all be related, but she is incredibly specific about what she wants and if I can't read her mind she is offended and thinks I don't love her enough. She believes that I am always trying to cheap-out on gifts.

Last year, I got her a brand new iPod (top of the line) and she gave me the promise of a trip that never happened. Then this year I gave her a present (one of two options she suggested) and she was annoyed at me for not giving her the other one. She thought I chose based on price (I thought the other item was ugly and cheap-looking) and was totally ungrateful.

Sorry for the rant, but it wears you down when someone can be so demanding in so many respects and yet so irresponsible at the same time.

SamC and OddJobAce, thanks for the tip. I picked up the book today and it seems very promissing. I'll update you when I'm done but it seems like she is a words of affirmation type with a dash of quality time. It actually make a lot of sense knowing her parents and the dynamics involved with her growing up. Wish I'd read this a year ago!!!

Hi CrimeScene, yes the list worked in that she got gifts that she will use and apreciate for what they are. In her mind they are not a symbol of love though. I don't believe she feels that any gift is really an expression of love. This has to do with her growing up. Her parents didn't spend time with her, they just bought her gifts to make up for not spending the time. This means she views the gifts as sort of tainted and done from guilt and not a real expression of love. It a shame really, but not something I can change.

It appears from what I read in the book and what I know about her, she has always been looking for her parents (dad's) approval. This approval was never forthcoming. You all know the type. Anyway, it seems time spent with her is important, however she places a much higher value on the expressions of satisfaction and approval.

I'll be testing this theory out and let you know how it goes, but I want to finish the book first.

Thanks all for your help and input!!!!!

It really does sound like you are trying your best. I hope she appreciates that.
I'm sure she does but she doesn't know the extent that I'm going through to figure this out so I have no expectations about this. Thanks for your kind words!

About the ADDer not wanting to spend as much time with the partner's family as their own, I know exactly what you mean. My partner is always pushing me to visit her family and seems offended when I want to spend more time with my own (both of us have family on the east coast but live in California). Yet she doesn't make any effort to spend time with my family.

My mom treated us to a trip to Hawaii with her and her husband and my girlfriend left early and spent half the time there working because she was trying to cram everything in at the last minute and couldn't get it all done before the trip. My mom thought it was incredibly rude.
I feel for you. It's tough. Whenever we go away my wife always brings stuff to do. We went for a cross country trip and packed about 200 magazines that she was going to go through and cut out all the articles she wanted to keep (they've been collecting for about 3 years now). We were on the road for 3 weeks and when we got home, I unpacked all the untouched magazines. They're now in the office on a shelf.

Your mom may have thought it was rude, your girlfriend would take offence at that. This will lead to a further seperation between your mom and gf that puts even more pressure on you, sucks, been there got the postcard. Your best bet is to try and get your mom to understand your gf behaviour. Has she read any ADD books? ADDers do things at strange times and places, this isn't a slight, it seems to be a coping mechanism. As a side note my wife doesn't seem to mind if I see my family without her. It used to bother me as it seems a family should be together when visiting and stuff, but if the option is to only see my family when she's motivated, then we'd never go, so I go alone or with the kids.

Regarding the gifts, I notice my girlfriend tends to be very ungrateful. This may not at all be related, but she is incredibly specific about what she wants and if I can't read her mind she is offended and thinks I don't love her enough. She believes that I am always trying to cheap-out on gifts.

Last year, I got her a brand new iPod (top of the line) and she gave me the promise of a trip that never happened. Then this year I gave her a present (one of two options she suggested) and she was annoyed at me for not giving her the other one. She thought I chose based on price (I thought the other item was ugly and cheap-looking) and was totally ungrateful.

Sorry for the rant, but it wears you down when someone can be so demanding in so many respects and yet so irresponsible at the same time.
You should read the 5 languages of love mentioned above. It's really well written and imformative. and don't worry about the rant! I rant on other peoples threeds too :D

I grew up with my grandparents, and love wasn't an issue, I felt it all around, actually because I grew up in such a large family I believe that has helped me a lot in my life.

Knowing that I am loved, and can give love is a blessing for me. Some people go their whole lives feeling numb because of circumstances they have suffered in their lives.

I am just like everyone else....I love to be loved, and love to love. I believe I know what it really is because of the way I was raised.

Ok, book done. My love language is acts of service, hers is quality time. That explains alot:eek:

Now it's time to put some of the stuff from the book into practice.

Again thanks for the help and back to your regularly scheduled programming.....

ADDrus,

Mine is Acts of service too and quality time, hers is affection and words of affirmation.

Good luck.