View Full Version : Sabotaging my last year in college


Bedlam
10-23-06, 12:06 PM
Hi all,

I really don't know know what I'm doing anymore. I'm already in my last year in college and I'm completely messing it up. The last couple of years have been great for the most part. Although I had my close calls, I've never ever failed a class or gotten a D in a course.

This year, I'm doing everything wrong. Barely doing any work in classes, feeling down and out most of the time when it comes to doing work for my classes. In fact, I'm planning of not going to class at all today. I just don't feel like leaving my room. I've done well enough the past few years, I just can't understand why I'm doing this to myself now. I had a paper due last night which I completely (and consciously) decided not to do. Sadly... it's not the first I've done it in the past year.

And now I'm skipping that class with the paper. And I know I'll skip my japanese class because I have not studied at all for it. I'm in the highest level language course right now. I don't know why I'm even in it anymore. I just disappoint my teacher. I feel like I may be developing depression symptoms.

...I don't know. I'm very confused right now. So many things need to be done. So many things still need doing. And I can't tell my mother all this because she thinks that I can at least take care of everything in school for her. She's also very fragile at this time. And she's paying for my room and board this year too... I don't know what I'm doing to her making her suffer like this.

I really am at a lost to explain why I'm doing this. Or maybe I'm just scared to admit that I'm really just a screw up.

...I need help. Adderall isn't going to help me here.

peridot
10-23-06, 01:14 PM
You're not a screw-up. You are not making your mother suffer. And you are not alone in having this go on in your last year. No, I'm not just dismissing this as senior slump.

Reach out to teachers (maybe your Japanese language teacher) who know you; if you're in a small enough college, see your advisor. Go to psych services. Colleges have become very conscious of the stresses students face, and more and more they realize that they have a responsibility to help with situations just like yours. Since you've been doing okay up til now, you should get a sympathetic response.

Please consider these suggestions. Don't keep this all to yourself.

Bedlam
10-23-06, 01:24 PM
Well, I did the first step... I called up psych services and signed up for a consultation and I emailed my teacher about trying to go for said consultation... I just hope I can sort out things before it's too late. Thanks for replying peridot.

ADDrus
10-23-06, 01:28 PM
I agree, you aren't a screw-up, however if you don't get help you will screw up. Part of your issues might be related to a fear of change. Once you graduate, where will you go next? Change can be very scary. If you don't graduate then maybe you can continue in college and not have to move on to the next stage of your life. Please find someone to discuss this with. Get a plan together to get past this and continue with your studies, not for your mother, not for us, but for you. You must find your own internal motivation. Picture how proud of yourself you will be when you get to receive your diploma. You can't do this for anybody else.

Good luck and remember that failing a course is nothing compared with failing yourself.

peridot
10-23-06, 01:40 PM
I'm so glad you did that, Bedlam. It's not too late. Be sure and go to the consultation.

Bedlam
10-25-06, 10:59 AM
seems like the consultation will be done in about a week or 2.

i really don't know why I'm doing this to myself. last night, i stayed up so i could catch up on work... ended up doing something totally not work related. i even took adderall. i didn't even budge or start doing the work. i'm frozen in place. i really hate what i'm doing to myself. i don't know anymore. i'm just having a lot of trouble concentrating and doing the work. i'm fine with my extra curricular events... but those don't require any real studying. i'm stuck. i feel the most happy when i'm doing my part in my club events but i can't even get myself to do my schoolwork. it ****** me off to no end that i'm consciously sabotaging my academic career.

sloppitty-sue
10-25-06, 11:44 AM
Hey Bedlam,

Geesh! I'm sorry that I'm just reading this - but I'm glad that it's still a somewhat new post. I just really can FEEL for what you're going through, and I so much want to offer you as much support as I possibly can via the computer.

Do you think it's possible that you might be able to get an extension? Maybe a medical withdrawal or extension on your coursework?? This is just like a "backup" "worst-case-scenario" type thing. You really DON'T want to let whatever is going on with you this semester of your last year at college to taint all of the VERY AWESOME and IMPRESSIVE work you have done thus far!!!

After graduating high school, I attended college for about 2 months. I never formally dropped out or anything - ended up having to PAY FOR the ENTIRE YEAR - even though I just left one day and never returned. Also - I'm SURE that I have Fs or zeros on any record I have at that school. What happened? Well - I WAS very depressed. My parents had recently split up and it seemed that NEITHER OF THEM wanted custody of the kids. Most parents - when you hear about CUSTODY BATTLES - it's battles over who GETS TO KEEP the kids. Not MY PARENTS - it was a battle about WHO IS STUCK with the kids. Let's just say, "Ouch. That kinda screwed me up a tad."

Anyway - about ten years later (around 28 or 29) - I DID get an opportunity to go to a community college full-time. I took this opportunity - studying for an Associate's - 2-year degree - and I remember really starting to lose it my last semester. It was this one class that really dominated my worries - SPEECH/Oral Presentation - and I don't know how I got through it. I know that I dropped a course once or twice during certain semesters - and I ended up spending 3 years getting my degree. But I didn't have to worry about my parents paying for it or anything like that - I was on my own and had a child at this point. And even THEN - I could barely deal at that point.

How much more difficult do YOU have it!!! Ya know?? LOTS!! PLEASE cut yourself some slack and don't lose sight of all that you HAVE DONE!!! Worse comes to worse - you need a little break right now. You get a Medical leave or a withdrawal - then you finish it up a few months later than first anticipated. So???

PLEASE FIND A KIND supportive person to help you figure out a game plan. That's all you need. If your advisor doesn't seem like a good one to talk to - try some other teacher, advisor, dean . . . You're still a young person. And you have accomplished A LOT!!! I am so proud of you for THAT!!! You deserve someone to be proud of you as you are now, AND you deserve someone to be THERE for YOU and listen and help you figure out if you just need some quiet soul searching time, a little r & r, whatever.

Please feel free to pm me. And PLEASE KNOW that you have done nothing WRONG!! You are a young person transitioning into a new phase of your life. This is both exhilerating and horrifying!! It's a big deal - don't let anyone fool you into thinking it isn't. Those who seem to be doing just fine right now - well, they've got THEIR'S coming (don't you forget it).

Please keep us posted, hon!!!

Love,
Sue

peridot
10-25-06, 10:06 PM
Bedlam,

As I guess you're finding out from others, you are not alone. Interesting fact: fewer and fewer people graduate in 4 years -- most people take 5 years or longer. And an academic meltdown will neither destroy your chances of getting your degree or harm your future prospects. Really.

I want to stress these things because you sound like you're paralyzed by fear and negativity. I've been in a similar situation and I know that part of my inability to proceed was caused by my mind yelling, "NO NO NO NO. I refuse. Nothing can make me." But admittedly, I am not you and I come over all rebellious at strange times.

Go to the consultation. Are your expectations of yourself and your work so high that you're feeling that you can't possibly live up to them?

Courage.