Hurro :p

Rarely does anyone post anything positive in the Non-ADD partners section, so I'd just like to mention that I'm relatively happy right now. Things are far from perfect with my ADD partner (he hasn't been working because of an injury [you guessed it, due to clumsiness, a symptom of ADD], he has a pile of debt, he either hardly sleeps or sleeps for days, etc.) However, I'm still happy. And no, I'm not a lunatic. I'm with a great, intelligent, loyal guy that cares about me and is passionate about life and that I get along so well with; I've got two kitties, a good job, and the knowledge that no matter what, I can take care of myself. Some might say it's pessimistic to think you can never rely on anyone other than yourself, but I say it's rational. I love other people, but I know that in the end, I don't need to rely on anyone else for my motivation, strength, or self-worth.

It's also important to realize that as long as you're still living, it's really not the end of the world. There are billions of people - lose one friend, you'll find another. Your family dies? It's sad. I've hardly got any family. But human endurance is an important characteristic. ADD is hard. very hard. but it's manageable, if you want to manage it or live with it. and right now, i do. which isn't to say that i won't change my mind. but right now, at this very moment, i'm ok with it.

to give credit where it's due, my partner has been trying very hard to be caring and affectionate even though that's a difficult thing for him. he has been cleaning the house a lot and doing an outstanding job. i find that some of this has come about because of a slight change in my attitude. when you are nice to someone, and compliment them, and show them love, it makes them want to do the same for you. when you're horrible and irate and irritated by someone, it makes them resent you. just remember that when dealing with your ADD mate.

Hi,

Not to come across as negative, I just have to ask how long have you been with your ADD partner and how long have you known about the ADD and how long has your partner?
This really makes a difference in how things go in a relationship. Thats great that you are doing fine. We all have been there and we all have the major ups and downs, like a rollercoaster ride. Its when their attention switches and is not focussed on you anymore, thats what seems to never come back for long, like when you were first together( and all the firsts).
Then have kids and see how hard it is to be so understanding when they aren't the center of your attention anymore.
I am not saying life always sucks with an ADDer, but it does change.....and more than the tides!!
Good Luck to you and your relationship.

What a nice post, Laila7 -
I'm in a similar place right now myself, peaceful with the fact that my ADD husband and I have battled thru LOTS of issues related to ADD (and my own sensitivity) and we've come to a point where we seem to understand/respect/try to honor each other's feelings. I think we've become a team in looking for what solutions will work for both of us, rather than sparring partners...but it took MAJOR sparring to get here.
I see that my husband has let go of some of the defensiveness and he's trying really hard with his patience level and therefore, I have so much more empathy for him. We're both growing thru this experience.

But thru the worst of it - I HAD to learn how to "hold onto myself" even more than I already knew how to do - the independence you spoke of...how to sooth my own hurt feelings, how to take my mind off of our disagreements, how to treat myself in a nurturing way. How to reduce my own stress level, because I'm important to me...all of these are things people learn within a relationship whether ADD is present or not - I think ADD might just bring it to the surface faster.

Mrs A - I'm not sure if you were insinuating that Laila7 is young/nieve, but I myself have 2 teenagers plus 2 stepkids, this is my 2nd marriage and we've been married for 4 years - the ADD blindsided me - I hadn't realized that my guy had ADD nor did I know how much it affects relationships. My husband knew he had ADD - recognized some symptoms- but like me, didn't know how much of it must have affected his first marriage, and here he was, being given the opportunity to learn about it thru his 2nd marriage!

Laila7 - I completely second your last paragraph! Well said.

I was not insinuating nothing of the sort. Just with my experience of 23 yrs with an undiagnosed husband makes me see the real ups and downs of untreated ADD! This isn't to say things are necessarily like this for everyone but I have heard of more divorces in this site! That is very common: multiply marriages. Splitting up is something that happens when all else fails to get the ADDer to realize (or not) THEY need to do something for themselves. Some just keep remarrying.

:soapbox:I too am living with untreated ADD - no drugs, no therapy - lots of education on my part reading books and visiting this forum, sometimes getting my ADD husband to read the info with me. I definitely have the advantage of not accumulating 23 years worth of grudges/hard feelings/irreconcilable differences - probably partly because I'm more mature now than I would've been 23 years ago. We definitely spoke often enough about divorce thru our 4 years married - because sometimes the pain is unbearable. But somehow with my ADD guy, I feel we've come out the other side of the worst of it, we BOTH have learned alot about ourselves and have reached a level of respect for each other that isn't there when all you're focused on is "Why doesn't this person change!" That's not to say I don't expect further storms, and I may even have to eat this post someday not so far away.:faint:

Yes I see there can be light at the end of the tunnel. I have been the only one who seems to be trying to understand and try different things. Unfortunately, it takes the one who has ADD to try as well. If its always 1 person that is the understanding one it starts to wear down on you. As long as both are on the same track (getting to know how to deal with all their symptoms) then it definitely can make life a lot smoother.
Good to see your hubsand is capable of reading about it, thats a big step. Mine doesn't like reading(only stuff he is interested in). That makes the frustration and resentment even greater for me. I also have an ADD son that needs consistency in parenting that is very difficult when there is so much inconsistency with his father which adds fuel to my sons symptoms.
Nothing lasts forever (meaning the good or the bad) Just wish the good would stay a little longer each time.

Hi Mrs A -
I have to say that I've had to be such a b/@%h to get to the point we're at - insistent on taking steps forward (which means I HAD to shore up my belief in myself). My husband doesn't like to read either, and wouldn't have if I just asked him to. I needed to know for myself that the info was getting to him... he was ok with my reading it to him, rather than him having to read something he didn't want to. That also gave me a chance to add to the info (Halverstadt's ADD & Romance, primarily) and be able to say "that's like when you..." and CAREFULLY broach habits of his that were hard to talk thru with his defensiveness.
You definitely have an uphill battle with trying to parent an ADD child with an ADD as a partner - I'm not saying anything you don't know with that sentence!!! I've had to be so firm with my H - clear consequences for undesired behavior - enabling natural consequences to occur that needed alittle boost, overlooking some things to pick my battles. What in the world works best for you?
It feels like I've been trying to teach my H what it means and looks like to have/show empathy. Does your H ever show empathy because you've got both of them to try to communicate with?

Nice post Laila7! :)

I had to give ya some Rep points for that positive and uplifting post! :)

Just for the record, I married my high school sweetheart and we were together for 15 years. Our marriage most likely would have lasted a lifetime, but unfortunately I didn't know I had ADD back then and eventually my chronic depression pulled her down into a depressive hole as well.

It took me a really long time to get over my failed marriage, but I'm finally going to give marriage a try again. I have been with my fiancé now for 11 years (She amazingly waited for me that entire time!!) and we are getting married next year! :)

Hopefully knowing what my major malfunction is (ADD) will make my second marriage a success. :)

Redhead, would you give some examples of "consequences for undesired behavior."

This morning I got up about 7:30 -- my husband had gone to work around 6 and left the side door open. Besides the fact that we live in a high crime area, there are workmen around. If someone decides to walk in, I'll pay the consequences, not my husband. How would you handle that (he's done it probably 30 times before)?

This is a really good post -- I appreciate that we can have differences and be compassionate with each other. Right now, my dh and I are fine, but if experience serves, it will be short. I've been with him 4 years, married a year -- he's in his early 60s and diagnosed a couple of years ago. Tried meds, nothing worked, he wouldn't work with the doc on dosage, etc. He'll get counseling, then quit. A few weeks ago he went off Welbutrin (and didn't tell me), went into a huge dive and soon said "I'm thinking about leaving." He's better now and back on the Wellbutrin.

But empathy -- I've often wondered if that's an ADD deficit. I think of it as being totally self-absorbed because so much is going on with them. My guy says he's never been jealous and can't imagine it and is angry if I am. He broke up with someone and went out looking immediately for someone else -- no sense that he should grieve or heal. I took him to see a friend who was severely injured in a hiking accident -- and he started telling her his back hurt too! What is the deal? Is that a trait that can be learned?

I've been thinking I need to pay a LOT more attention to myself, what I want, my joys and needs and a whole lot less to his, and back off from always giving him articles, etc. that goes against my nature, but I wonder if he associates all the stuff with me and then when he gets mad at me, he rejects everything ? I keep thinking he'll never get help unless it first comes from inside him.

And another thing (on empathy, or lack of)!

We just went on a trip. When we got there, we did some sightseeing and I realized that I had injured my foot. My ankle was swollen and it hurt. We went to the place we had rented and I asked him to make a simple dinner (and told him how, with the groceries we'd brought). I got in bed. For the next 30 minutes, he slammed cabinets, yelled, banged pots, etc. He told me he'd go out the next morning and get something for my foot. I thought about getting up but made myself stay still. Turns out he was angry he had to make dinner because he was tired, and thought it wasn't fair. In my mind, I went to the future and thought what will it be like if I really get sick...will he leave me alone like he did this night? When I finally did get up, I put some ice in a sack and put it on my foot -- the same thing I would have done for him if he had been hurt.

Later, we talked about it. I told him it was incredibly passive-agressive for him to be slamming things around like that and of course the fight went on and on. He said the whole thing probably would have been solved if I had come in the kitchen and put my arms around him and said "sounds like you're having a hard time."

Maybe that's true. But I was in pain with an obvious injury and felt so alone in the bedroom, in a strange city. Most of the time I can take care of myself, but I needed him and he acted like a two-year old.

Hello Redhead and Alagirl,,

I agree with you both!!! and it is so interesting how we all feeling the same!! No my DH does not show empathy. Well he will sometimes say (when I am ready to walk out) that he sees that is must be hard for me to deal with the both of us, but in that same sentence says "Think of how hard it is on me!" So, there always is that self centeredness attitude that makes anything he says mean nothing.
As far as Alagirl and being sick or injured and them looking after you? I can never be as sick, or as sore, or as tired etc as he is.... period. That is just the way it is. It was much worse for me to deal with when I had a baby and 4yr old. If I didn't feed the kids they wouldn't have eaten. He never felt I was THAT sick. I am a stay at home mom and that was something I HAD to do or we would have never made it past my first childs second birthday. He resented me not working for the past 14 yrs now he sees just what I do. I don't think he would have stayed at his jobs as long as he did but he knew he had to.
I guess its just so hard to get themselves through the day remembering stuff etc that they don't have it in them to be able to think about how someone else could feel. Don't know if that is true but it sometimes help me to think that way so I don't always feel like I am not thought about. I just wish I could think that way all the time, but I can't help but feel hurt. I have told him but it soon is forgotten.
Your right about having to think more about yourself. I just find it hard while raising an ADD boy and a teenage daughter with an ADD husband that seems to only be thinking of himself and manage to get some time to not think of the others. Very hard but I know I have to for my own sanity.

Hi Alagirl and mrs A -
I have so much I want to write back, but life is in the way at the moment! I hope to write soon - didn't want to remain completely silent! R

I'll be around......you can pm if you'd like.

mrs A

Mrs. A,

I have been with my ADD bf for one year, living together for 8 months. I knew he had adult ADD when we met. He was diagnosed as a child, and been on medication since (though not therapy, which I think he needs). I am young (24) and possibly naive, but I'm more mature and responsible than many. I do not have children by clear and definite choice. I love my bf, but I will not plan to have children with him ever. If we ever have a child, I will probably end up divorced or otherwise alone. I know this because of my personality and his personality / issues. If I were raising a child without a partner's help, I would rather leave the partner and go it alone. My mother was a single parent and a great role model, as she went to school full-time and worked and managed to take good care of me. I don't think divorce is as traumatizing for children as living with two unhappy parents.

Redhead,

I'm glad that you have found a way to nurture yourself. :) Keep up the health and happiness...I wish there was a local community so that I could meet with other non-ADD partners and do fun stuff, because I think that could be a good outlet. Or we could ***** about how our partners have made us angry. lol.

Alagirl,

I definitely see empathy as a trait that ADD'ers lack. My bf has a really hard time with empathy, seeing situations from other's viewpoints, and physical affection. But, he tries to be understanding and affectionate, even though it is difficult. Thus, I felt it important to give him kudos for that. You are correct though, it is often very hard to be ill or need help. He'll just be thinking about whatever's on his mind, and not realize that I am sick or need help with something. However, once told or once he realizes, he does his best to help. ADD'ers just need the extra push (or two or three) sometimes.

When it comes to empathy I think ADDers can be all over the scale from very empathic to not empathic at all.

I'm more of the opposite of your husbands/boyfriends. It's when my boyfriend is ill or not feeling well in some other way that I find it easier to be responsible and get things done. Then I go "Can I get something for you? Do you want me to do...?"

I have been acused of being very self absorbed in other situations though, like when I've been hyperfocusing on something on the internet for example and my boyfriend has voiced concerns that if he'd hurt himself or something he doesn't think I would notice. I think differently, but that's how he feels anyways. He was also unhappy with how he could come out of the bathroom and say "Hi!" and it seemed to him that I (still on the internet) didn't react. So now I make sure that when I hear he's getting out of the shower I'm not absorbed in reading something, but rather wait for him to come out at which time I smile and say "Hi!". I don't want him to feel ignored, or not seen.

I agree with CC! :)

I work in Healthcare and I consider myself to be a very empathic ADDer.

very empaic i think one my best things i have i pick upp feeling from others very quickly sometimes a goodthing sometimes not .....lol id not chance me for drecell pmsl for the things that dont work so well we gaine something eles vaulable dorm lifes good

WHAT a wonderful posting. Very uplifting...

I have been dating a man with ADHD for a year and a half and, boy, has it been a struggle...
I am constantly challenged to the extreem when it comes to understanding, being patient, and forgiving...
I was married for 6 years to a man who absolutely molded himself based on my needs (he was almost like a father-figure, I always got my way), so the adjustment to a "self-absorbed" ADHDer is HUGE...

I absolutely agree that this relationship has taught me to nurture myself. It has taught me termendous independence (no one is taking care of me but me myself).
I am left to heal myself, reason with myself, calm myself and help myself...
So a relationship with an ADHDer does in a sense, make you grow up FAST.

At the same time, I also agree with MrsA who is asking "how long have you dealt with this?" "how long have you exprianced being treated second-important" "how fresh and new is the relationship?". I think to myself, how LONG can I keep this up?
This, "being the understanding, bigger person who is always telling herself, this is not him... this is his ADHD".
How long can this continue, and will I be happy doing it...

I haven't come up with the answer yet myself... I am still trying to figure out if I am a person who can pull this off... I guess this is the main reason why I am here on this forum.
I just wish they had a personality test for non-ADDers to figure out if they are fit for a relationship with a ADDer!!!!

I would be interested in hearing what characteristics work best, what qualities a person has to have in order to be in a successful relationship with a ADHDer...

Thanks for the valuable point of view everyone...

MayB,

I absolutely agree with you. I don't know how long I can keep it up. Like I said in my post, at this moment in my life I am ok with having my particular ADD partner. However, that doesn't mean that our relationship will necessarily survive or that I would ever want a partner with ADD in the future. I am not a very patient person either, and I am easily angered and frustrated and stressed. Thus, I felt it was important to remember the good things about life/love/etc, because so often we only focus on the bad things.

-L