Hello.

My husband and I separated 1 month ago, and I'm completely heart-broken. I still love him a lot, but things with us got to a point where I couldn't cope any more mentally and emotionally.

We were married for 3 years, and together for 7 years, and no kids. My husband got diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago, and has tried a few medications, but nothing has worked. We been to sooo many marriage counselors/doctors/therapists/pastor/workshops that I lost count. I feel like we both tried our best, but burned out in the end.

Here's my dilemma: I'm in a battle between my head and my heart. My heart wants to call him, to try again to work things out; but my heads says you weren't able to cope with things successfully. I've been beating myself up, feeling guilty for not being more understanding about his disorder. I feel like I should have tried harder to manage my emotions when his ADHD tendencies occured. In some ways, I don't feel alone, after reading all the postings from 'frustrated' non-ADD partners. The part that scares me about it is that some non-ADD partners are suffering from serious things, such as depression/anxiety, due to the situation.

I would love to hear your opinions, if you have separated or divorced and have regretted it; or saw the 'light' and have been able to make improvements.

Thanks.

Hello Sweetcheeks

I just read your post having just posted my own extremely similar dilemma above (my post entitled Relationship help). I split up with my partner about three months ago, I feel exactly as you do that there is a big conflict between my heart and my head.
I am really sorry for you as I know what you are going through, but maybe we can honestly help each other to know our own minds.
I split up with my partner because I needed support myself as I was going through a particularly difficult time with trouble at work, a pending hospital operation and I felt tired of being the one to motivate the whole relationship, to coax and encourage and nag it along because my partner felt unable to do this.
When we first split up I felt liberated and my friends all told me I had made 'the right decision' - unfortunately few of my friends really understood what was good about the relationship because I would often run to them in the bad times. But very quickly I started to question myself, feeling I had lost much more than I have gained. I have been feeling really low, because I loved him with all my heart.

I contacted my partner by email today, just asking him how things are going - let him know I am still having a lot going on in my life because I feel this need to protect myself from offering too much - what I really wanted to do was tell him how much I still love him, but (and this is where I feel really guilty, or selfish, but I need to protect myself) that seems like writing a blank cheque. Why not write a blank cheque? Because I need something left over for myself, I guess, energywise...

I feel abit mad, because I think I am obsessing too much about this, but I wish I could somehow make things better.

How are you coping?
I would be glad to be in touch at this difficult time.

Mangoes x

me again....

What I worry about is becoming so obsessed by waiting for him to email back that I lose sight of what at the moment I feel is a pretty clear picture of the situation:
a) I really want to be in touch with him and be there for him because I love him (heart)
b) but I am aware of the limited capacity I have to support him through his journey of healing from adhd, if he chooses that, or to tolerate his difficulties if he rejects that.
I worry that I so want to hear from him that I will only focus on (a), though re-reading the email I sent to him, it did not include any (a) except "I would really like to hear from you".

I think what I will do is note in my diary to contact him again in a couple of weeks or so if I haven't heard back - - I really hope I do (see a) but it could be he has had enough of me and accepted we are finished.
It's almost as though I feel I have to take responsibility for his boundaries too - by saying "Let me know if you don't want me to contact you again" - but I think that is projection on my part of the difficulties I have with boundaries. He will surely tell me if he does not want me to contact him again, it's just that silence is always a tricky one - - because I don't know if he's not contacting me because he does not want contact, or because he can't find the words or forgot.

Can any adhd-ers out there help with this??

Should I just leave it if he does not reply or is there another way I can communicate with him, maybe letting him know how I feel...

I feel lost, completely lost.

Hi Mangoes,

It sounds like we're in the same boat. I'm 35 years old, and have been waiting for my husband to deliver on promises for 7 years, so we could start a family. I'm trying to tell myself to accept that there are things he can't will b/c of his disorder; so leaving the relationship is my way of disciplining myself to do what is in my best interest. If I don't end up with children, then I could only blame myself for not 'reading the writing on the wall' that 7 years of empty promises are exactly that. I do have to give my husband credit for 'trying', but rarely is he consistent and it is only lasts a few days. His efforts are reactive, when our relationship is 'on fired' and ready to end.

My wish (and I think you have the same one) is I want a partner to lean on for support without having to prod him/initiating it for him. I got really tired of leading everything in our relationship; I over-functioned and he under-functioned. I am partly to blame for creating this dynamic.

I'm seeing a marriage counselor (one we saw together 4 years ago) on my own b/c I like her therapy stye (straight forward/direct). She has recommended that I go to a Codepency 12 Step program (I think they offer it Internationally), and it is free. She says I have to learn how not to enable him, by keeping him out of trouble, keeping things organized for him, managing his career, etc. (it is also designed for partners of alcoholics; it is the same premise - enabling your partner). I'm attaching the website for your information http://www.codependents.org/index.php

The marriage counselor also mentioned making this a 'Controlled' separation for my husband and I, as she doesn't think we're absolutely 'Done'. This controlled separation is for 3 months, to allow the brain to process the situation and make a less emotional decision (i.e. filing for divorce). Right now, she thinks we're both in an emotional 'soup', and studies have found that it takes the brain 3 months to process everything. For the last 1.5 weeks, I've been really emotional, but after talking to her, it all stopped. I find comfort in understanding things, and talking to her has given me hope for getting that.

I am a little 'trigger shy' to get in touch with him (we only email), for the same reasons as you are. I want to ask him if he would like to go through this 'Controlled' separation with me, but I'm afraid to hear/read the response (i.e. no response, or I've moved on, etc.) I know he loves me, but he is the type of person who walks away from pain instead of tackling it to the ground and putting up a fight to make it work. He likes taking the easy way out, if the decision was up to him, which this one would be. I don't want to impose this choice on him; I want him to do it b/c he really see value in our relationship. Making a decision has always been a big challenge for him, so part of my fear is there too, not being able to process the options for himself. He was seeing an ADD coach, but he hasn't mentioned it in his emails, so don't know if he has professional support.

Keep in touch.

Hi Sweet cheeks

Thanks for your replies. I will check out the link - I certainly have had issues with co-dependency as my own sense of self and ability to get my needs met in an assertive adult way were problematic, given I survived very bad childhood sexual abuse....

I've been reading with interest the post by the person who said that they tried to show they loved the adhd partner by buying them flowers and the recipient of the flowers thought that was not a proper way of expressing love. I think alot of this is about self-expression. My partner would not do the normal things or accept the normal things as expressions of love (birthday cards, meals out etc.) - it was almost as though he wanted to mark us out for a different kind of love that was perhaps on a deeper level but didn't follow the normal rules. I guess to some extent I wanted the same thing, not to have to communicate in these cliched ways, just to feel and to know he felt the same way (almost like a mother/child thing). That is something I have been working on in counselling, how deep my needs were for him (and probably vice-versa too) but how difficult it was to express them.

I don't know if my (ex)partner will get back in touch with me. I feel now like flooding him with emails about how I feel, to sort of assert my feelings, but this is something I am going to prohibit myself from doing - because it's just then allowing him to sit back and know how strongly I feel yet he does not have to communicate. I hadn't even emailed him, but now I have, and only to say 'What have you been up to...I've been up to this....'

I think if he doesn't get back in touch I'll have to conclude he didn't want to, rather than making up excuses for him. At the same time, I know that my feelings for him are very, very strong - but I don't want to communicate so much of my own feelings and get no word back from him on the same level.

I hope this makes some sense! I really appreciate being in touch as it's quite difficult for others to understand this complicated situation, off the board. I hope you're doing okay.

Mangoes

As an ADDer, I would say don't give in to your heart until you see real effort to improve on his part. Also, if and when you do go back, you should not allow him to get too 'comfortable' in the relationship, or it will likely return to the way things were.

Also you are a bit vague about what the actual problems are, but I could probably guess most of them.

The way I see it, there are two types of problems in an ADD/non-ADD relationship:

1) real problems that can lead to harm with finances, emotional neglect, even safety issues etc.

2) ADD traits that don't really cause actual harm, but can drive non-ADDers nuts. For example, if the ADDer is disorganized and procrastinates, but follows through and gets the job done (in a reasonably timely manner). Lateness (by minutes, not hours). Has setbacks on the road to progess.

When you make a statement like "I feel like I should have tried harder to manage my emotions when his ADHD tendencies occured". It depends.

He needs to work on and improve on the first type of problem. Yes there will be strong tendancies to fall back to his old ways, but ADHDers can make changes. You should not excuse irresponsible, dangerous behavior or emotional neglect as 'it's just his ADHD, I need to be more understanding". It's bad for both of you.

On the other hand with the second type of problem that doesn't actually cause much harm, that's where non-ADDers can be more understanding. Yes, improvements can be made there too, but put it in perspective.

In my own marriage. We have issues like these. We just had our first baby after being together for seven years. My wife was concerned that my ADHD might put the baby in jeopardy. For instance, she feared I might have the baby in the car, forget she's there and leave her in the car while going into a store. The baby's almost a year old, and nothing like that has happened. On the other hand having a baby does force more routine and responsibility into the ADHDer's life- something we need.

Anyway, it's hard to be more specific without knowing exactly what problems you've had. But my basic point is you need to see actual and persistant results. And don't let him revert after a few days. Don't expect massive changes overnight, but do give him credit for changes he does stick with.

unleashthehound , good advice. I should follow it but I haven't made the decision to split up yet!!!

Unleashthehound,

Thanks for your point of view; that was really helpful to me.

To answer your question, my problems are a combination of both harmful and not harmful. We've held off on kids because some of the impulsive choices he makes scare me (i.e. drinking and driving, and other poor safety choices around the house, and just plain driving).

The lack of emotional connection hurts me terribly; I don't know how to get into his world without jumping up and down and screaming my head off (BTW, I tried the calm, adult approach, but that didn't work either). I feel like I'm on the outside, and that I'm not a number one priority. A good conversation is very rare with us, if it happens I have to ask for it.

I have decided to let him initiate any kind of reconciliation. I have always been the 'over-functioning' one in the relationship - coming up with solutions to problems, initiating/organizing the process/strategies/tools, etc. I feel like if he really is serious about any changes, he will come to me with a plan; and that's when I'll know he's serious. I feel like all other times he's tried, he would do it to pacify me/get me off his back.

I have decided to let him initiate any kind of reconciliation

Sweet cheeks, I've decided the same with my man. I am exactly the same as you, over-functioning. I am wanting to take him by the hand and lead him back to me (and I can think of many ways, I've done this before)...but this time I am going to be strong...if he wants to come back to me, in any sense (from friendship to partner), then hopefully he will...if he wants to but doesn't know how, it's not for me to help him to do this, he has to find other help to do this...and if he wants to and doesn't know how and won't seek help...then I give up anyway as the relationship would just be too difficult to maintain.

Keep strong and keep in touch.

Mangoes