I would really appreciate a non-ADD perspective on this:

We know that ADD affects working memory. So there's times when an ADD'er doesn't remember things they should. But--in your experience--do you find that ADD'ers memories are just wrong? As opposed to missing entirely. Particularly in conversations. (This is an ADD'er asking, by the way.)

I'm particularly interested in any differences you've noted in the way you as a non-ADD'er and your ADD partner remember conversations you've had. Do you notice a tendency to remember conversations out of sequence, or gaps in memory of the conversation, or anything like that? This is leaving aside the ("yeah, you said A but what you were really saying was B" stuff)--just talking about accurate or inaccurate recollection.

I've heard non-ADD'ers say talking to an ADD'er is like being in two different conversations, and I'm trying to figure out what role memory plays. I understand the other person's confusion when I suddenly switch levels of focus--we're talking about creatures in the ocean and my focus is suddenly limited on surfboarders. (What are you talking about? Surfboarders don't have gills!) Ok, so that's an unlikely example and it's usually more subtle. But sometimes conversations just derail unexpectedly and there doesn't seem to be a reason. So I'd really like to hear from non-ADD'ers on the subject, guys especially.

Me personally, I tend to remember the events as they were, and go for accuracy when recalling them. I know other people who tend to pad their retelling of events with details that never happened.

Of course I'm relying on my memory to recount this, so if your thesis is that ADDers memories are inaccurate, well then....

:D

Me personally, I tend to remember the events as they were, and go for accuracy when recalling them. I know other people who tend to pad their retelling of events with details that never happened.

Of course I'm relying on my memory to recount this, so if your thesis is that ADDers memories are inaccurate, well then.... :D
lol
Yeah, that's how I feel too. I'm certain I remember events and conversations correctly, no odd gaps or losses in the progress of the conversation. Unfortunately my experience is that my husband also tends to be very accurate (and logical). Also the most honest guy I know, very unlikely to 'bend' things to his benefit. So when he and I have conflicting memories, I have to question mine. Not just because I'm the ADD'er.

Maybe I just zone out in conversations more than I think I do. Maybe I think things but think I said them. ??? It's very unsettling. Generally we communicate fine, but sometimes a conversation goes all haywire and we can't pinpoint how because we remember the converation so differently. It's like suddenly being in alternate universes. This is why I'd like to hear from the perspective from the non-ADD side. I've already asked this in the adult ADD thread, and gotten some interesting perspectives from the ADD viewpoint....

It could be that ADD'ers and non-ADD'ers are equally inaccurate, and (personally) I figure the more emotionally biased, the more inaccurate either will be. But I'd like to understand more about how ADD affects memory--and what makes it into the memory.

As a non-ADDer, I definitely see how my husbands(ADDer) memory is just bad! I also see how he can remember only parts of things. I also see how he remembers very insignificant things that is so weird. Yes he does remember things different as to what really happened as well, but he thinks its me! Which we get into arguements all the time. I don't understand this because he always claims he doesn't remember anything then argues about it when I tell him it didn't happen that way or what ever. I think everyone ADD or not has different degrees of memory and how they recall it. What was important to one (so they remember it) may not be important to another, maybe. I just wish my husband would realize and acknowledge the fact that I do have a good memory and he doesn't...... so quit fighting about it.
I think ADD and memory is probably different for each person. My husband forgets where he puts things alot and my son (also ADD) is very good at that kind of memory. About retelling stories or events they are probably more similar, both stories are always different.

OOOPS sorry...you wanted a guy point of view.

Mrs. A, thanx for the reply, guy or not:)

When your husband remembers things wrongly, do you think it could be explained by his only noticing part of the situation and his brain kinda filling in the rest? If that makes sense. Does he seem to remember insignificant parts of a conversation or an event as the main parts?

Usually when my memory of conversations goes haywire, it's because I half-tuned out the conversation.

If I listen to my wife ask me to do something, while half-listening, and half thinking about something else, I'll believe that I heard and understood the whole conversation, and I did... except it didn't sink in. Later I'll typically forget to do whatever it was she asked, and won't remember her saying it to me.

If I fully concentrate on the conversation, then I don't have this problem. I'll remember all the important points.

This is a little different... we're both concentrating on the conversation, and we think we're talking about the same thing, but we come to a point where we're talking about apples and oranges, and we can't figure out how we got there because we both have different memories of the coversation leading up to that point.

Mrs. A, thanx for the reply, guy or not:)

When your husband remembers things wrongly, do you think it could be explained by his only noticing part of the situation and his brain kinda filling in the rest? If that makes sense. Does he seem to remember insignificant parts of a conversation or an event as the main parts?
Yes thats one of the things I thought until I ask him if this could be why we get into such arguements about this and he always says "No I don't do that". I think he feels he is being blamed or something when all I want to do is just understand why things go the way they do. I don't have this problem with people who don't have ADD.
Sorry for taking so long replying, I don't know how to find all the threads I have replied to and need to reply back. This is all a learning experience for me. I didn't know anything about the internet until I typed in ADD after my son was diagnosed so I have been just winging it through all the sites kind of blindly.

Usually when my memory of conversations goes haywire, it's because I half-tuned out the conversation.

If I listen to my wife ask me to do something, while half-listening, and half thinking about something else, I'll believe that I heard and understood the whole conversation, and I did... except it didn't sink in. Later I'll typically forget to do whatever it was she asked, and won't remember her saying it to me.

If I fully concentrate on the conversation, then I don't have this problem. I'll remember all the important points.
I am sure that this is what my husband does but he either doesn't see it or is not wanting to admit it as this makes him feel that it is his fault! I just want him to realize that he doesn't have to be so defensive and to realize that this is what ADD is and it isn't HIS fault. He just can't get that which makes it so hard for me to deal with it. I need to know why so I can understand and move on and until I have an explanation it just eats at me. I believe there is a reason for everything.
He doesn't read anything about ADD and that is why he denies everything. Very frustrating for a person who has a good memory and needs answers!!

I just want him to realize that he doesn't have to be so defensive and to realize that this is what ADD is and it isn't HIS fault. He just can't get that which makes it so hard for me to deal with it. I need to know why so I can understand and move on and until I have an explanation it just eats at me. I believe there is a reason for everything.
This makes a lot of sense. I used to be a lot more defensive before I learned about ADD, and I still have to fight it. I don't want to believe how profoundly ADD might be responsible for some of our difficulties.

My husband has a couple of illustrations that really made me think. He says that trying to communicate when we can't talk about any issues that might be ADD-related is kinda like trying to live with an elephant in the room but not acknowledge it. You can't get him out of the room (because of course no one can say "hey, there's an elephant in the room") and you can't talk about how to get around the elephant, so you just have to adjust everything you do so as not to run into it.

Well, it's not that I don't want to talk about ADD-related issues, it's just that for the longest time I didn't know, and it's kind like being asked "why can't you keep up with the other runners?" when you're missing a foot and neither you nor the person asking can see that. You just can't think why, you feel like you're running just as hard as everyone else--that's where some of the defensiveness comes from. How can you talk about something when you can't even figure out or agree on what's going on? I want to know why too, and now that we know something is a little different about my brain (have no evidence at this point that anything is wrong with his)

His other illustration is being on the highway with another car that keeps speeding up, slowing down in the lane beside you. From the other car's viewpoint, maybe you're the one speeding up and slowing down and being an idiot... after all, you keep speeding by, and then falling behind. The only way to see if either of you is being consistent is to look at the speedometer. In other words, objective comparisons. But in communication those are hard to come by, and no one is perfectly consistent.

mrs. A, if you click on your avatar (picture by your name above one of your posts) one of the choices is to find all threads you've posted in. You can also do this search by clicking on search, then 'advanced search' in the forum. One of the choices is to search by user name; put in your name and it will find your posts for you. I also like the "new posts" tool, helps me see what's new since I was here last.

Thanks for your replies. I was hoping someone had this all figured out and would just be able to explain it to me :rolleyes: but hearing from you is a big help.

Hi,

I'm up early having some chai latti that she recemtly introduced me to, love the stuff!

I'll briefly give an intro as this is my first message on this web site, and wanting to better understand the whole ADD mind set, thought process, memory, insecurities, etc. We dated about 8 months before getting married and through that time I was very aware that there was, from my perspective, an inconsistancy in prior conversations and or her memory of what she had previously spoken. After doing som research after having had some heart to heart conversations,,, she informing me that she is in fact ADD, yet thus far managing w/o any meds. I knew there was something I couldn't put my finger on, yet I too have never had anyone that I fell in love with that I was aware of that had any ADD issues.

To answer your question, yes I recognize that there are gaps in memory as well as not having the wherewithall to make 'time' or appointments have a sense of realism/urgency and I am not sure if it is not remembering or not understanding the necessity.

I'll keep this short and will open up on some other issues on another post.

in love and committed...

through that time I was very aware that there was, from my perspective, an inconsistancy in prior conversations and or her memory of what she had previously spoken.... yes I recognize that there are gaps in memory as well as not having the wherewithall to make 'time' or appointments have a sense of realism/urgency and I am not sure if it is not remembering or not understanding the necessity.
Thanks, Bruce, helpful perspective. Does it ever happen that your wife remembers your saying something drastically different from what you remember saying? I like the phrase about inconsistency in prior conversations. I think that comes close to what I'm trying to nail down.

Regarding the sense of time and not remembering/understanding the urgency, you might find the first couple of pages in this thread about ADD and time helpful. Many with ADD do not realize how profoundly ADD affects them in this area, and can't adjust for it without understanding what's going on.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=33840

Ok and opening up via the net.... I have recognized that there are several traits that can uterly harm, frustrait, or destroy a relationship with a non ADD partner, any partner for that matter.

I am personally 'trying' to forgive and get over her betrayal in having a holiday weekend with a man she met the prior weekend at a socail event while with me. She probably had a 45 minute conversation, had a couple of conversations obviously unknowing to me, then majorly lied and then got together with this guy for long holiday weekend. In little time I put it all together and have said I forgave her, but honestly I am 'internally fighting' with wondering if it is the ADD and or if I will ever be able to fully trust her??? We did marry shortly afterwards and she has said how sorry she is, however is this just an ADD trait that I will have to continually worry about? The fact that she has stunning looks doesn't help ease any of my concerns. What she did seems like it was nothing and I should just get over it like it is no big deal. She also has an incredibly sweet, kind, artistic side as well and that is the person I married and is what I could 'see' in her and gave me teh courage to try to forgive. I am trying but it is so hard to understand why she would do something so damaging all the while she is telling me she loved me???

There is more to the impulsive behavior... I gave her a credit card to use if she needed anything and she said she would manage it and not abuse it to the tone of nearly 7000 in one month and she acts like it is nothing once again.

All these traights (yes, we all can yearn for another, use lack of common sense in managing money, disregard time or anothers feelings) 'just the way' it is going to be or is there something "I" can do to HELP with the situation.

I have just gotten a couple of book on the matter and am trying to help us/her to be better organized (bought her a day planner that she has yet to use), and would appreciate some sound advice.

Relationships are hard enough, but having at times to feel as if there is another child do deal with is frustrating on top of the betrayal thing that is very hard to get over.

From my heart, I love her with all of me and SO want this to work.

Ouch. I would have to disagree that your wife is 'managing' her ADD successfully. No matter how much you love her, a lot of the future of your marriage will depend on her recognizing how much her behavior damages you--and then doing something about it. Behavioral therapist, meds, something.

I've noticed posts in this forum about impulsive ADD leading to unfaithfulness but since I don't personally have the impulsive trait I really can't shed any light on whether that has more to do with character or ADD.

Regarding the credit card, I can tell you this.... she didn't spend $7000. She spent $100 70 times. Or something like that. It probably didn't begin to add up in her mind. Did she have good credit before she married? It may seem harsh, but if you don't take steps to protect your financial future you may not be in a position to help her in the future.

And of course it's nothing, the present is all that exists sometimes with ADD, especially if you intend never to repeat it in the vague future... but don't let her blame everything on ADD. ADD really messes with your mind and judgment, but it would be normal to feel some regret for causing so much pain to a spouse. If she really feels it's nothing, she may keep doing it, even if she thinks she really loves you. The only other solution is to make the consequences very uncomfortable... and that hardly makes for a comfortable marriage.

It's a small issue next to the others, but conventional time management doesn't work with ADD. Check out "ADD-friendly ways to organize your life" for a good look inside your wife's mind & time sense. Even if she doesn't want to work with it, you'll have a lot better idea what's going on inside her head & have better tools yourself.

Best wishes for your future together, and I so hope she will recognize the value of your devotion and live up to it.

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention this--50% of ADD'ers have a co-existing condition (bi-polar, anxiety disorder, OCD, etc.) Worth checking into.

hello bruce i know what your saying each to there own but ive lived though whatbyour going thoere now if she has add or biopoler then she wont see what she done as bad as you have an even if she dose she wont look the conserqisece ofve what she has done in the way you will somethings are like that it boils dwon to wether you love her an if you do forgive her truely cos if not then it just wont work in the end in mine i devoced cos she never chance who she is am in her woards ment no harm to me an i belive that we still great freinds an that allways be the case id have along hard talk with her an see were the land lays on this an thine think what should i do dont resush into it give it time for you to understand wish wisdom you know what to do

good luck dorm

My memory is very good. But getting access to it can sometimes be very hard.

Me :D

Hi Bruce:
I think you ought to take what you wrote and start a new thread in the non-Adder's section -- more people will pay attention. Because what you're writing about doesn't really fit with the memory stuff (my opinion) and it seems to be hidden and getting mixed up with the other stuff.

When most of us read what you wrote, we will just hurt for you. Others may not understand how you could have married her, but we will. There's so much power in hope --- you see the beauty and charm and good qualities -- and you hope like crazy that these hurtful things are all in the past. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she's very careful about your feelings, and sometime you may have to make a choice that's very painful. I will tell you that Adder's do something called "blurting" -- and they say things that seem almost incomprehensible in their rudeness or just total inappropriateness. We're told they don't mean them and that we shouldn't be offended and should just let it go. Sometimes I can do that; othertimes I'm so stunned I can't speak. Only you can tell if your wife is worth keeping. I'm assuming you don't want to be married to someone who lies, cheats and spends your money with abandon -- and doesn't seem to care what you want and how you feel. I hope you'll read about ADD, get as educated as you can. But if she doesn't want what you want, your future together doesn't look bright.

Thanks for the reply....

To the point,,, yes she had regrets for her actions, but what is so hard for me other than the obvious horrible feeling of betrayal, is how easy it was for her to make that decision in the first place. In my mind the whole cognitive reasoning that I think most people have was missing. She said it will never happen again, yet she had said it wouold never happen to begin with. since then we are married and I am praying that she has the character/sence to realize the the unrepairable damage that would come.

in regards to a credit card, no she never had one before, but I too had NO idea that she would use it so indescressionally (sp?) and run it up so badly with little or NO understanding that some how it needs to be paid back.

How to I get my grips arouind her NOT understanding money?

I'll be glad to post this somewhere else that is more appropriate.

thanks...
Bruce

Hiya Bruce. I was wondering if she behaves this way in a cyclical fashion? I believe Dorm may be onto something (thanx m8) when he mentioned bipolar disorder. Does she have a definitive diagnosis of ADHD now?

I must admit that I just skimmed through earlier posts :o and I may have missed something crucial but anyway, bipolar in its several forms and ADHD are highly comorbid (means they occur in the same person together quite often). That weekend trip and her creative drive got me thinking that perhaps you wanna check out that possibility too.

Here is one page of info on bipolar disorder. (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm#Bipolar_di sorder_children_adolescent)

I had saved this when researching for info on childhood bipolar and its the first link I found but I have others if you'd like them.

As far as ADHD memory goes I know I am ADHD and this is supposed to be replies from NTs :o but I do have a different spin on this: I have the heritable form of ADHD and BDH has the type that is caused by a traumatic brain injury, so we are very different yet the same. I have that tendency to see everything as interconnected and go jumping from metalevel to metalevel and he lacks that tendency/ability (depends on the situation which is apt ;) ) in fact he admits to being jealous of it. The Kid and I lose him many times like that. He only has so much focus in so much time, and cannot leap the levels and so he...spaces out totally, or gets really mad and begins talking VERY LOUDLY to bring us back to where he was...and by then we have moved on and the moment is lost for that period of time.

He has the spottiest memory I have ever seen. I will usually always remember something upsetting or dramatic, whereas he will forget even those times! But he can remember exactly what score he got in which game in which YEAR :eyebrow: and I can hardly remember how much all my kids weighed and yes, I HAVE FORGOTTEN what time they came into the world and how long I labored :o He and I both forget when the bills are due and it takes mighty effort to get them paid in this house!

I am a visual/spatial learner and he is an auditory learner with hearing damage :eek: so we have GOT to meet on those grounds to even hope to get the other person to remember...if he does not paint me a picture when he talks to me, I will visualise a page of written words that I am unable to read (I can only visualize my own handwriting, so I have to copy everything he writes down into my own handwriting to remember it). I have to find concrete terms to speak to him, painting him one of my verbal pictures gets him baffled and I have to be dead certain he actually has heard me in the first place. Whew! There is more but I will let this thread go on for a bit more before I babble on like that again :D. Hope its helpful Charonshanti!

When we first started dating my BF explained part of his ADD as "seeing the words in my mind and then opening my mouth and something else comes out." We've had a lot of conversations where he remembers the situation very similar to my memory but with different intent or outcome. The example that is coming to mind is we recently had a conversation about my dealing with his ADD and I said that I am trying hard to be patient. He took that to mean that I am TIRED of being patient, which wasn't my intent at all! Now, when we talk about something serious we try to make sure the other person really understands and we're on the same page.

About the memory, ive been told by non ADDers that i have an above average memory, although my attention span is still withink that ADHD zone. When i try and recount past events and lectures i first try and remember who was in the room, the day, the days lesson, and then after i get my grounds straight i try and remember the lesson. That way i dont stress myself

Well, being the one that originally asked the question a few months back, I thought I'd post for the benefit of others asking themselves the same questions.

I posted this question realizing I had ADD, but thinking I had a great memory. A few months of meds taught me that even with the meds, my memory is fantastic---in small, random areas. I had no idea how distracted I was even when I was really paying attention.

With that knowledge, I don't get into discussions of any depth with my husband if the meds are not on board at effective levels. Matter of fact, I don't let the meds run out unless I'm sleeping, the ADD is that bad.

Which brings me to the second point. I never suspected it til after I started ADD meds, but after a few weeks I realized that my wonderful, logical husband, who I thought was the essence of neurotypical, also has ADD. So it turns out that our ADD /non-ADD conversations were actually ADD/ADD conversations with strong logical sequential thinking on one side, and on the other---well, me, with a gestalt approach that bewilders my husband.

So we've learned to be much more specific about exactly what it is we're discussing, and what level so I don't jump around on perspectives, focus levels, etc, and we do a lot more with a drawing pad in front of us. It helps. That and patience.:rolleyes:

from a memory point of view i can remember a almost infinite number of pictures, graphs, and if i remember the size of a paragraph alot of written content. But i see myself more as a visual learner, as opposed to a verbal one

From my experience, as some who does not have ADD.

I had 2 ex-boyfriends with it plus a myriad of present and past friends in my life who have had it.

I think it just depends on what it is that you're remembering. My ex-boyfriend could remember everything I said and did with immediate recall. He could learn reams of lines in a play real fast, yet he did it at the very last minute. He only dropped a line once, which is better than a lot of non-ADDers that I know.

Just depends...

The problem I have with this question is that memory is unreliable. Remembering something isn't like watching a movie, every memory is swayed by your point of view and will be interpreted and remembered differently by each person involved.

However, everyone likes to believe their memories are infallible. You'll hear it all the time in arguments.

"I remember that time you said this."

"I did not."

Blah, blah.

True, but facts are facts.

I.E., I will remember events and words stated the way that they were done.

Just depends, I guess...

I don't know, it seems my ADD wife has this abilty to remember movie stars, tv shows films recording artists etc. She knows who a person is, what character they played and what other show they were in. I've seen kids do this with baseball/hockey cards. They can name off all the stats, ect. It's only way more involved than this. I personally don't see the point in wasting all the brainpower, but I really don't think she does it knowingly.

Scary part is, my teenage ADD daughter has the same ability. It's like a very focused and specialized photographic memory...

Oh, I have that memory, too. I know tons of random and seemingly useless stuff. Good for trivial pursuit and making my friends ask why I know the stuff, but not much else. Fortunately I'm also good at remembering things for tests and such.

That's sort of what I mean.

I don't play trivial pursuit with her anymore, it's pointless. She enjoys it, but once you get that you'll never win, it's just not fun anymore. She also spells well, tested at like 98% of the population or something. I'm just glad they invented spell checkers :D

Hah, yeah, I was in the spelling bee almost every year when I was younger, although I doubt I would test in the 98th percentile. Sounds like your wife and I would get along...or possibly hate each other with a passion.

That's partially why I can't hate my ADD, because I honestly don't think I would know as much as I do if I didn't have it. I have learned so much stuff because of hyperfocus. Almost all of my non-ADD friends are just in awe of how much random stuff I know.

I think ADD and memory is probably different for each person. My husband forgets where he puts things alot and my son (also ADD) is very good at that kind of memory. About retelling stories or events they are probably more similar, both stories are always different.Yep, I agree. Each person is different, and so the way they remember, and what they remember will change. My wife has a tendancy to remember very well things about people, (ie names, what they do, what their interests are). I haven't the foggiest idea how on earth she remembers. But then again, I'm inattentive ADD, so I usually miss large chunks of conversations anyway.
However, if it's something that interests me at the time, I'll remember. So, sometimes I surprise myself, (and my wife), when I recall someone's name and what they do flawlessly.

Also, I have a very good musical ear, and all I have to do is hear a piece of music once and I could tell you what instruments were playing, the melodies, the harmonies, the riffs, what key, etc, etc. But ask me about the lyrics - forget it. I'll be lucky to remember the first line.

My wife on the other hand will remember the melody and all the lyrics first time.

So, dunno if it makes much difference.

As a non-ADDer, I definitely see how my husbands(ADDer) memory is just bad! I also see how he can remember only parts of things. I also see how he remembers very insignificant things that is so weird. Yes he does remember things different as to what really happened as well, but he thinks its me! Which we get into arguements all the time. I don't understand this because he always claims he doesn't remember anything then argues about it when I tell him it didn't happen that way or what ever.My wife and I have arguments about this every so often. I say "no you didn't tell me that", and she says "yes I did". Or something similar. It's only until the last month or so that I discovered that I had inattentive ADD that I'm conceding on arguments and saying "OK, you're probably right. I must have been having an ADD moment.". I do miss large chunks of conversations.

Well, it's not that I don't want to talk about ADD-related issues, it's just that for the longest time I didn't know, and it's kind like being asked "why can't you keep up with the other runners?" when you're missing a foot and neither you nor the person asking can see that. You just can't think why, you feel like you're running just as hard as everyone else--that's where some of the defensiveness comes from. How can you talk about something when you can't even figure out or agree on what's going on? I want to know why too, and now that we know something is a little different about my brain (have no evidence at this point that anything is wrong with his)
This is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. It was suggested my son be checked out for ADD, so I google trying to find out what all this ADD things is all about, and I discover that I've been suffering from it for the last 40 years. That was a couple of months ago - and I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

My wife and I have arguments about this every so often. I say "no you didn't tell me that", and she says "yes I did". Or something similar. It's only until the last month or so that I discovered that I had inattentive ADD that I'm conceding on arguments and saying "OK, you're probably right. I must have been having an ADD moment.". I do miss large chunks of conversations.

That's not really true. The truth is that neither of you are remembering what really happened because your brain is putting your own slant on the interaction. That's why these are the most common arguments between couples, because both people in the relationship believe they are remembering the exact events, but that's simply not true. You can even see it here, with people claiming they always remember the exact situation, but their partner is isn't remembering it right at all.

The reality is the people who think they remember the situation perfectly aren't, because that's not how memory works.

That's not really true. The truth is that neither of you are remembering what really happened because your brain is putting your own slant on the interaction. That's why these are the most common arguments between couples, because both people in the relationship believe they are remembering the exact events, but that's simply not true. You can even see it here, with people claiming they always remember the exact situation, but their partner is isn't remembering it right at all.

The reality is the people who think they remember the situation perfectly aren't, because that's not how memory works.I actually agree with you there. Regardless of whatever mental issues you suffer from each persons perspective will be different. However, from my perspective I'm still coming to terms with my ADD, and I guess as part of that process I've concluded that my memories are more tainted and not to be trusted as much as my wife's. If it's her telling me something that I did or didn't do or say, then I'll have to just trust her on that for now.

Memory is a funny thing and I've always thought what was normal turns out to be not, (which is also a perspective thing), and therefore I assumed that everyone just has racing thoughts, or their minds just drift off in conversations. My wife also tends to forget things and she is definitely not ADD, and she forgets things that don't interest her - because she's not interested.

However, for me, often there's no control over what I am interested in and what I'm not. Quite often, when I meet people I really do want to get to know them, but my brain decides otherwise and goes off in a tangent that makes me look dis-interested in them.

Awwww crap... forgot what my point was.

However, from my perspective I'm still coming to terms with my ADD, and I guess as part of that process I've concluded that my memories are more tainted and not to be trusted as much as my wife's. If it's her telling me something that I did or didn't do or say, then I'll have to just trust her on that for now.

Memory is a funny thing and I've always thought what was normal turns out to be not, (which is also a perspective thing), and therefore I assumed that everyone just has racing thoughts, or their minds just drift off in conversations.
Your memories probably aren't so much tainted as missing a few pieces. When I was at this same stage I had the advantage of knowing that my husband was incredibly honest and unlikely to play mind games or take advantage of my memory (or lack of).

There's a PBS video supposedly demonstrating how ADD affects people; it's a video that gets static and runs channels together so you have huge gaps in info. It seemed overstated and I never connected it til one afternoon I let my meds run low after getting used to them---sure enough, it was like a lot of static running thru my visual field, scraps of info I was used to getting now and that were missing without the meds. Talk about a reality check. Can't remember info that doesn't get processed into the brain.

Your memories probably aren't so much tainted as missing a few pieces. When I was at this same stage I had the advantage of knowing that my husband was incredibly honest and unlikely to play mind games or take advantage of my memory (or lack of).
Yep, I'm in the same situation. My wife is very honest and reliable, so I don't mind trusting her at all - in fact I'd trust her to the ends of the earth.

As far as arguments about something that was said or happened in the past, I discovered that what realy helps end that cycle is, just concede sometimes. Make your case, say that you don't remember it being said, or conversely that you DO remember saying it; but then, give some room to your spouse.

Like "I guess you didn't hear me and I assumed you did", or "I remember it this way; it's true from my perspective buy maybe you have a piece of it that I haven't seen before". SOMETHING. Anything. It helps.

It's hard. My husband USED to spend a whole lot of time at the track, as a mechanism for shutting me out, essentially, and of COURSE I resented it. It was a long hard road getting through that. My daughter remembers it well, unfortunately. But HE does not. He truly doesn't. I think the whole time was a blur to him; this was while he was going to school, and working part-time, and after his father passed away; he was just losing himself in this distraction and his memory of it is just not there. He cannot believe or accept that he spent so much time there; and I have had to let it go, which was really hard. I would have loved the validation of, "Yes, I can see this was hard and if I had it to do over I hope I would do it differently". Not even an apology, just an acknowledgement. But he just can't do it, and I have had to stop wanting that. It's a small part of our lives together, overall, and after this long it's too much like scorekeeping to carry it around.

It's not just ADD that leads to differing memories. And sometimes we just have to move on.

Or, I can refer to one of my sisters - estranged from the family because she's evil but that's not relevant to this - who can read the same story in the newspaper asthe rest of the world and come away with an ENTIRELY different interpretation; and of course that would pertain to any real-life exchange with her, too. I don't know what was going on in her head. But it wasn't ADD, I don't think.

Whatever it was, she didn't think she was lying. She was sooo far out there and believing every single word she said. So arguing wouldn't have helped. No way to "win".

Some people just have a way different reality; most of us are in the middle range, fairly reasonable, but some parts of our perceptions just AREN"T going to mesh with another's.

But he just can't do it, and I have had to stop wanting that. It's a small part of our lives together, overall, and after this long it's too much like scorekeeping to carry it around.

It's not just ADD that leads to differing memories. And sometimes we just have to move on.A very wise Piglet.

Or, I can refer to one of my sisters - estranged from the family because she's evil but that's not relevant to this - who can read the same story in the newspaper asthe rest of the world and come away with an ENTIRELY different interpretation; and of course that would pertain to any real-life exchange with her, too. I don't know what was going on in her head. But it wasn't ADD, I don't think.

Whatever it was, she didn't think she was lying. She was sooo far out there and believing every single word she said. So arguing wouldn't have helped. No way to "win".

Some people just have a way different reality; most of us are in the middle range, fairly reasonable, but some parts of our perceptions just AREN"T going to mesh with another's.

It's true. We tend to remember things that have a strong emotional impact on us, but those same emotions that cause us to remember events also skew the very memory of them in our minds.

So really, arguing about the memory of events is an exercise in futility, because there will be no way to come to an agreement unless someone happens to have a tape of the event. ;)

Hi, been there, seen that, done that. I have taped events and taken handwritten notes, and shown them as I was doing to so my former ADD partner. It did not matter. She did not remember I was taking the notes or recording within two seconds of my having shown her that I was doing so. Uh-uh, ADDers will have NonADDers playing cat chase the tail. Memory recall is a whole level of discussion that ADDers cannot effectively participate in. That is why they call it attention deficit disorder. No matter how short my memory may be in a given moment, I can at least step up to the plate and improve it in a heart beat, or at least recover and make good on a prior commitment. An ADDer can only do whatever they are already able to do in that given moment. Spelling Bee? Yes, I have seen some ADD remarkable work there. But unless I am placing a bet to win some big money, spelling bees can't help me when I want you to pick up tickets to tonight's concert or put in your timesheet in for the two-week vacation time we are taking to Aruba tomorrow morning (that by the way, are why the partially packed suitcases on in the middle of the dining room floor). And even as I tell you whatever you forgot, you still do not remember what was said while on the way to the door. No, let us not play memory games with ADDers. I knew of one who failed to put in the worksheet for a court community worker. Forgot to do so. Those are the people who trade services for time at a non profit organization. The guy got jacked up and thrown in jail. When the error was discovered, the ADDer still did not lift a finger to make that call. Everybody assumed it would be done since it was a horrific, unforgettable mistake. Uh-huh, he did his time. Got out. And is looking for revenge. So let us not play cute, philosophical games with the ADDer. This one I know was able to pass a multiple choice exam for lead risk assessor, sponsored by the state, but can't manage to get to the properties that need examination. I personally hate multiple choice exams because I can mount a detailed argument as to why each and every answer can potentially be correct. I'd rather write an essay. And if I screwed you over because of a memory loss on my part, I will be down at the court house with documentation in hand, and my money, if necessary, to get you out. By the way, I am looking for some money. When is the next spelling bee? I'll be there. Will the ADDer?

I personally hate multiple choice exams because I can mount a detailed argument as to why each and every answer can potentially be correct. I'd rather write an essay. And if I screwed you over because of a memory loss on my part, I will be down at the court house with documentation in hand, and my money, if necessary, to get you out. By the way, I am looking for some money. When is the next spelling bee? I'll be there. Will the ADDer?Well said. I didn't know my frustration with multiple choice tests was an ADHDer thing.

GettingBy2, I've just discovered you are not ADHD? I just assumed because you seem to have such a good understanding of ADHD. It's very refreshing.

I'm the same way with multiple choice, hardest damn things to write and worse when you have to pick the best of, or the most appropriate. I have actually argued and recieved credit for multiple choice questions that I didn't agree with.

The point I was making about the trivia and spelling is there appears to be a compensating area of memory expertise, while the ADDer can't find their keys, they can quote the entire cast of gilligan's island. I agree that it can be very frustrating living with someone who forgot the CSNY concert tickets were for the week before ect. and I would hope that anybody who makes an error that results in someone getting put in jail for any length of time would lose their job as they are clearly not able to handle that responsibility.

I also question if ADDers especially unmedicated should be considered mentally competent. They clearly make decissions every day, how many of them affect others in a negative way. Should adults be responsible for young children? Can they make correct discissions when they miss so much?

Usually when my memory of conversations goes haywire, it's because I half-tuned out the conversation.

If I listen to my wife ask me to do something, while half-listening, and half thinking about something else, I'll believe that I heard and understood the whole conversation, and I did... except it didn't sink in. Later I'll typically forget to do whatever it was she asked, and won't remember her saying it to me.

If I fully concentrate on the conversation, then I don't have this problem. I'll remember all the important points.

Having lived with an ADDer for almost 2 years, and taken on the bigger part of the responsibility for understanding 'him' - as opposed to vice versa, or even him understanding his own actions - I found this was a huge part of our convergent recollection of events.

BUT ...I also found that - there was alot of 'filling in the blanks' of stories, not only because he hadn't been paying attention, but because he often preferred to see other outcomes of stories.

In particular, he'd been in a 'bad' relationship with someone prior to me - and she'd had enough, finally told him to leave after a series of violent episodes. He then began his relationship with me by telling me that SHE had been violent with HIM.

I found out personally, he'd been "CONFUSED" - when he became violent with me! We are no longer.

There were also countless occasions where he would have an opinion about something on one day - strong opinion - then, within 24 hours, would completely turn 180 degrees and advocate for the opposite position as though he'd always believed so. It was mesmerizing.

I then began to realize that he was spending an inordinate amount of time online when we weren't together, and that he would absorb, take on, assume the opinions of others that he desperately wanted to emulate or be friends with. It was very strange, and in the end - very sad.

He could be very caring. But, I eventually began to see his behavior as incredibly manipulative - for 'better' outcomes or worse.

He had learned to say all the right things at the outset, but could not hold to them - because he'd forget what was so important about them, eventually.

I spent an enormous amount of time on this individual - emotionally, empathetically - ...blah blah blah. More time than even his family had spent acknowledging his ADD and the subsequent related issues. In the end, because he had an innate, from-childhood sense of entitlement about what he was "owed" for people having been unfair to him - he would take out his frustrations on the one person he sought solace in.

The final deal breaker ...misappropriated violence, and an inability to acknowledge it whatsoever. :eek:


Mother Teresa .....I ain't! :D

Sorry to hear that.

Sounds like there is a lot more than ADD going on.

re: #48

That guy's not ADHD, that's Psychopathy (ASPD) or Narcissistic PD.

(e.g. disrespecting others rights; chronic lying; sense of entitlement; glibness; superficial charm; deception, etc.)