I don't usually go through this section, but when I did yesterday, I noticed a lot of frustrated non-add partners (which btw, is absolutley understandable) trying to deal with the issues that crop up with add.....

Obviously, most people come here with questions in hopes to resolve problems, so the posts tend to be a bit skewed.....Many of you fell in love with ADDers, and I'm just wondering, is there anything that you love about your partner that actually stems from ADD? Were there ADD characteristics that actually attracted you to your partner in the first place?

thanks!

Yes I think. For myself I liked his spontaneity at first and his total focus on me! That since has changed obviously. Now I understand why the change in focus all the time and the spontaneity is now actually impulsiveness I guess, that has caused much difficulties which I am trying to deal with. Hope I explained it right.

OH I was hoping more would respond to this thread. I am also interested in what it is that attracted non-ADDers to there ADD partners. Or what ADD traits they still love about them??? Maybe it will remind me!!!!!

OH I was hoping more would respond to this thread.Same here. Come on people, I'm starting to lose my confidence.

How about our positive points? We're creative, original, or surprising. No?

Yes I think. For myself I liked his spontaneity at first and his total focus on me! That since has changed obviously.Isn't that what happens with most people, AD/HD'er or not? The being in love does wear off *a bit*, right?
Please don't get me wrong, but I think it's wrong to see *all* our reactions as being a cause of *the* AD/HD. We *can* be spontaneous, we *can* be focused on things *without* the AD/HD being involved. We just can't seem to control (yet?) when to let those things kick in. Now there's an interesting subject for a new thread.

Now I understand why the change in focus all the time and the spontaneity is now actually impulsiveness I guess [...] See above. Is it always a cause of AD/HD? We all seem to have some degree of difficulty in explaining how we feel, or explaining concepts in general (our mind processes 30 or so of them per minute at some times, which is about five times more than "normal" people), but I'll give it a try.

The way I see it, I will *never* (hyper)focus on something/someone I don't like or have no interest in. I *will* lose focus with someone I *do like* now and again (sorry), but I will *never* be spontane with someone I don't like.

Sigh, I guess no one can really think of any trait that they still love about us... :eyebrow: Or perhaps, the folks taht do come on this site are already frustrated with their partners, I don't know.... Or is it that the non-ADDers love us in spite of the ADD traits??

Sigh, I guess no one can really think of any trait that they still love about us... :eyebrow: Sure they can, but people (AD/HD or not) just aren't in the habbit of going around all day telling/showing people how or how much they like someone.

As a non-ADD spouse I'll take a stab at answering your question, but I don't think you'll like what you hear. I can say (sadly) any ADD traits that originally may have been something I was attracted to has long won off after 20 years of marriage and all the ups and downs we've gone through. Not that I don't love my ADD spouse, I truly do, BUT I cannot recall a single trait I see as ADD that if I had the hindsight of twenty years wouldn't make me at least exteremly cautious to pursue a relationship. The spontenaity is now impulsive behavior, the hyperfocus on me is now just neediness, the inability to take responsibility for their behavior (poor money skills, inability to fight fair, interupting in conversations, ignoring other people when they are speaking) none of those things are even remotely appealing at this point.

Many if not most of us non-ADD spouses here have decided to stick with our partners for the long haul, even if we didn't know what we were getting into with our spouses. We are committed to the relationships. But are the qualities something we love? I'm gonna have to say no. They are more often than not the source of a huge amount of frustration and pain to us, even though we do love our partners and want to stay in a relationship with them. I wish it were different, and for some it may well be, but for me it all seems like the travel brochure promised the best adventure ever and the reality is that sure there is plenty of adventure, just not so much of the fun.

OK. Since I posted I have racked my brain for a trait I do still like and I remembered! I LOVE that when my spouse is bored he will clean house (not perfectly, but good enough). It does release me from the chores and I very much appreciate the effort. Now if we could just have the messes/piles picked up before they become a problem in the first place...... ;-)

I have a different way of thinking. That has been both a blessing and a curse. i would not trade my A.D.H.D. and bi-polar for my artistic ability. I will learn to live with the difficulties of what I have. I can not get rid of it, there is no throwing this away. I can be sensitive with this also. I "feel" other peoples pain and can empathize with them. I guess today... I accepted what I have and embraced it and will love the person who allowed me to do that, forever.

Hi. This is still new to me and I'm a little uncomfortable writing this but here goes:

It is an interesting quesiton and particularly appropriate for me and my AADD fiance. He is yet undiagnosed though he just started to see a therapist.
We have couples counseling and the therapist didn't like my bringing up the idea of AADD! But I am 99% sure my fiance exhibits most of the symptoms.

We have postponed our wedding because we fight so much and can't seem to manage everyday life.

When we met I liked his enthusiasm, his intensity and his many, many interests which matched mine so closely. I thought this was wonderful -- finally someone whom I can share my life with. Now, however, even when he is talking about me, what I'm thinking and feeling doesn't seem to enter into his conversation -- it's a monologue. It is very difficult to have a back and forth conversation. There are so many ideas they all come tumbling out and he can be hard to follow, though always interesting.

He is also very intelligent, understanding and is sympathetic to me though he has problems with most everyone else! He is very musical too.

He has lots of good ideas but seems to hate the practical side of living and seems to be unrealistic about time and money though he wants to be.

I'm not sure which of these traits are actually ADD traits -- I still have to read Mr. Hallowell's book. One thing I did read is that ADDers usually feel remorseful about hurting someone and he is very remorseful and is trying
very hard to remember to put his clothes away and close the kitchen cabinet, etc. But most importantly, he is trying very hard to make our relationship work. Which means, trying not to be so defensive, trying to be less of a workaholic and trying to listen to me when I'm trying to tell him how I feel. When it comes down to it, I love him, though at times,
I get so annoyed with him I forget that I do!

At this point, I am hopeful that we'll be able to work things out.

i love my ahdh bf to bits! hes amazin!
he was diagnosed in early child hood and suffered terribly from his strict parents constantly shouting at him.

since he met hes totally changed apparentyl, relaxing n living his own life!

i met him on a car forum his username was H2YPR, instantly made me think what a cool guy!
we now both have matching regi plates (uk of course) of H2YPR AND H5YPR!

he does suffer from lack of concerntration alot but he knows when he does it n apoligises,
the best part has to be the constant energy he seems to get from no where! hes a great laugh n is constantly on the go like me !

we get on great and i fell like ive meade him realise his adhd may not be such a bad thing as his parents might think,
i enjoy organising so like organising him too! much to his amusement.
my parents say tehy find it hard to handle him, but im the opposite, everything that makes him adhd is a great trait!
a cheap night out..... 1 bottle of some suggary drink n hes having fun all night!
we're contstanly bouncing ideas and thoughts of each other, having a few conversations going on at once. untill he finds the laptop and i lose him for a few hours.
all his friends call him hyper and he's very popular with them coz of his continual enthusiasm ( excuse my spelling :faint: )

altho he does freak out when i ask him to do 2 tasks at once ( bit i thought all men were like that!)


might be a different story in 20 years tho!

( i dont know mich about the technical side of adhd so pls dont flame me if ive sed anything incorrect or offensive! :eyebrow: )

This post actually prompted me to de-lurk. I'm so glad to see something positive posted even though sometimes I don't feel so positive about my spouse. Sometimes I need a reminder of why I love him. I've been with my husband for 13 years through university, careers, and now a family. Because of him, we have always tried new things. This is not always easy for me to adapt to, but looking back I'm so glad that we have never been bored. It's his ideas and spontaneity that allowed us to travel for 10 months after university. We quit our jobs to do it and that was difficult for me, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

He's very adaptable and I admire the fact that he never gives up even though I know he struggles with procrastination, stress, and sometimes saying the wrong things to colleagues. His creativity is also fascinating to me. (I am more the analytical type.) I don't always agree with him or some of his decisions, but I can't imagine my life without him. :)

My husband says he loves my creativity and people skills, both of which seem to stem from ADD. He likes the results of my hyperfocus though he dislikes the hyperfocus itself. He says he likes the way that I persevere thru dealing with the ADD. But that doesn't really count, does it? Because if I didn't have ADD I wouldn't have to persevere through it.

If I had a son contemplating marriage with someone with my ADD, I would suggest he think once, twice, and thrice. My husband disagrees and says everyone has something to deal with. I say he is a man of unusual strength and patience, and I am unwillingly much of the instrument of building that strength and patience. Not that the shoe is never on the other foot in our 20 years.:cool:

'Marry, young man, marry. If you marry wisely you will be happy, and that is a good thing. If you marry unwisely you will become a philosopher, and that is a good thing too.'

I suppose any long-term relationship requires lots of work-- at the end of the day, ADD or not, we all have our unique personalities and issues.....I'm glad that there are at least SOME people out there who actually still enjoy their spouse's add traits....

I'm 99% sure taht my grandmother is add-- the overly hyper type!!! And I've never seen anyone as in love with someone as my grandfather was with her-- he literally doted over her till the very end.... but I really think he adored her in spite of her annoying add traits, but who knows? At least their marriage worked out really well, whatever the reason was.

doing 5 different things and thinking like about 10 things at once

Spontinayity

This is a good thread for me..My add husband and I are currently working through several levels of stress- his education, my stressful job, should we have kids now I'm getting older...sigh. Frankly, he is too easy a target of resentment, and it isn't entirely fair.


So to think of what I love/d. I love that he asked me out again several months after I blew him off that first time. I love that he went out to buy ice cream and fixed me a cone tonight. Cause he felt like it. I love his hyperfocused intellectual moments and long letters-- so intelligent! I love his desire to try to keep reading a book he's been trying to get through for months. I love his tart, cynical humor. I love his gentleness in touch. I even love his amazing way of saying unintentionally funny things at the WRONG time. There is a man I love very much. He's ADD, and it's tough- for BOTH of us.

Here in the forum we get to share and vent-it's not really meant to actively hurt any of you ADDs reading, it's to soothe or understand OUR active pain. So we don't always take it out on our loved ones. So we can take care of ourselves.
G

I met my husband 20 years ago when I was 18. He was just diagnosed 3 years ago with ADHD.. though we always knew that something wasn't right.. he wasn't ready to face the fact that he wasn't " perfect".... lol.....He is " the most severe case 3 doctors have ever seen with ADHD". You know people say to me, " how have you put with him for so long"...
I just say " because he is ( name).. he is a caring person DEEP down with a lot of heart... and so often I lose sight of that because of his MOOD swings... I thank GOD I found this forum.. knowing that I can " talk" to people that know EXACTLY what I am going through............... thank you everyone!

hi cristen a warmwellcome to you an i know you like the add forums theres alot more to see here injoy your time here the things i like is being able to think in more than one way when iam focsed on somethingn dorm

Something said by krisp a while back that I found in a thread recently:

"I could see that many of my friends over the years have had similar tendencies. Especially in college, when I tended to hang out with funny, smart, quick-witted people. It would have been hard for anyone who wasn't a little ADD to follow our jokes and our so-called "logic."

I always valued my brother's quick wit, twisted logic and funny stories. People tell me the same thing.

Thanks to you Butterfly for a tremendously informative and frank answer. I'm a husband with ADD in a fairly new marriage (2+ years), and I think I hear very different answers from young "newlyweds" versus the more time-hardened spouses such as yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way, but the difference in perspective is critical. I'm pretty sure my dad has ADD--I'm just like him--and I remember hearing my mom say repeatedly that she "didn't know why she married my dad." ADD or not, this seems like a universal in marriages, and I deeply respect your personal committment to your vows. It sounds like you've really held on through the storms.

But yet you're still there. That may be due to religious or ideological reasons, or it may just be that your psychologically unwilling to let go. It is funny how so many people--and perhaps humanity in general--are morbidly attracted to conflict, suffering, and problems. It doesn't sound like there's any respecting, admiring, or attracted type of love but rather a dutifull committment type of love.

And that is where I see my marriage going. It's like you're the Ghost of Christmas Future, and you've taken me to see a reckless, moody, intolerable old man whose wife is terribly sad/angry. Already my wife discribes me as "extremely difficult," and I see that the frequency of her "silent-upset-distanced" periods and our subsequent "serious talks" increasing measurably. (And our fun activities together measurably decreasing.) So right now she tempers her frustration with all the things she likes about me, but we all know that those lists get shorter and shorter as the years go on, regardless of mental health status.

So over the battle-scarred years, the forgivable and dismissable--and perhaps even "loveable"--becomes the source of intense anguish and resentment. My wife swears that she will never leave me, regardless of how bad things get. I admit that would be devistating, but the more I think about it, how much better is the alternative? Being "loved" yet an unrespected, unattractive, resented barnacle who's difficult to deal with? That threat alone sounds much worse than divorce or separation--enough so to get this Scrooge to change his ways and learn to manage his ADD behaviors.

Love is a day-to-day effort, and we change our identities and desires day-to-day as well. I have often wondered that if my ADD and depression is treated/medicated/behaviorally modified, if I'll become undesirable as a result. This thread and your comments answer with a resounding "NO." In fact, if I don't get a handle on things now, my future looks pretty dismal.

Thanks again for your honest input.

Thank you all for this thread and your answers.

I've been married now for about 2 1/2 years. My wife didn't realize she had ADD until about a year ago, about the time my son was diagnosed with ADD. Technically she hasn't been diagnosed, yet. I'm hoping I can talk her into seeing someone to see if they can do something for her.

It was her spontinaity and creativitiy her focus on me that I loved when I met her and when I married her. She seems to have directed all of the energy elsewhere in the past year, towards school. At the end of the day there's usually not anything left for me. It's getting harder and harder to stay in this relationship.

I know she needs me, or at least I think she does. She's gone back to school and has no income. She has 3 girls, two are at home and one is in college. I have 2 boys. We're a very busy household and we seldom get time alone.

Our relationship in the bedroom has suffered immensely. When she does sleep in the same bed as me, she turns away from me. She can go weeks without coming to bed. Sleeping on the couch or not sleeping at all.

fluvial: I wish you well. It reminds me a little of the wonderful statement by the "old warrior" that I'm sure is still on the board somewhere. He was speaking to those who get diagnosed later in life -- he just said: this is your chance. Don't accept the temporary relief that comes from diagnosis. Don't stop there. Go try to grab this thing, educate yourself, exercise, try as hard as you can to handle it and have a good life.
I applaud what you are doing and hope it works. You know the ADD won't go away. But there must be ways to work with it -- when the inevitable anger comes up, there must be a way to turn away and not hurt your wife, etc. etc. (whatever your issues are). sometimes I love and delight in my husband, sometimes I can't stand him. If it's good around here, it's because I'm successful (sometimes) at overlooking his terrible remarks, forgiving stuff in the past and trying to forget it in favor of present happiness.

Thanks ALA,
I appreciate the words of encouragement. I'm not sure what exactly it is that I'm doing that's worthy of applause, except I guess recognizing that as far as the marriage goes, I have to beat this or it will destroy us. And that destruction can take different forms, both of which I find unacceptable from my current perspective: divorce or eternal resentment and soul-less codependence.

So I guess to tie this all to the string (because it seems I'm off topic), love is such a tough thing to pin down, and it's just as difficult sometimes to separate love of particular trait or behaviors as it is love of the entire person. One would think that the greater love is the latter--the more abstract but wholistic. But this string was clearly created to answer the former--love of particular traits.

So I ask (to everyone who may read this), how does one even tell if a trait is an ADD trait or if it is just an aspect of the person. I hear people talk about spontineity, creativity, intelligence, humor, and intensity as love-worthy traits derived from ADD. Hmmm. I'm not so sure. Spontineity and intensity for sure--that's almost by definition (yes, spontineity = impulsivity as someone else mentioned). But ADD people can be boring due to associated OCD or low in intelligence due to related learning disabilities. As for humor, my intelligence just feeds my cynicism and depression, and any of my jokes that people can follow are either self-depricating or cynical. And we all know that spontineity and intensity cut both ways--the longer the marriage, the more they cut negatively. That's what I'm hearing from people, at least.

So to [not] answer the question, I don't think someone can pin certain traits as loveable ADD traits, because if it's truly a definitive ADD trait, then it is a "D"=disability, not some subjectively "differently abled" trait. And if it's not a definitive ADD trait, then how can one say it's generated by ADD (e.g., intelligence, creativity)?? I guess I have to believe this so that I can feel that when my wife says that she loves this or that about me that those are MY traits--I'm not sharing that love with some fr$%kin' ADD lable. If I have intelligence or creativity, it's *me* dammit! :cool:

(The fact that this rambles all over the place may be proof positive of my lack of executive mental functioning--and that's not a loveable trait--it's a disability. And yes, as you mention, I will try to "grab this thing." I guess that's why I'm here.)

[Not] the END.

All I can say is Fluvial you are definitely on the right track!!! If you know what your disabilities are and you are learning to help "control" them and you can acknowledge them, that is so important!!! That can be the difference between a long and resentful relationship and a loving, working relationship. Good luck to you!!

Forgiveness

probably comes from living in the moment and having made previous social mistakes and felt them painfully, some ADD folks are easy on forgiving someone most mistakes

(unless they are severly angry of course)

I seem to have this ability to I guess take peoples attention away from things when I get bored listening (I have a fast vocabulary as well) switching subjects fast and blaming other people for things, I guess it is good and bad dependent on whether you are manipulating in a destructive or constructive fashion(like if someone was suicidal or if they were lying getting them to repeat themselves a few times etc.)

Fluvial,

I'm glad that you were able to glean something useful to your situation from my post. You are correct in that there is a perspective change the longer you are married not just about ADD, but everything. Hopefully as your marrige grows over time things change. Otherwise it would truly be boring! It isn't all bad, nor am I always resentful of my DH and his issues. AND the other side of all this is that he has to put up with my issues (not ADD, but I certainly know I am not easy to deal with either!).

The bottom line is we go into marriage looking at the roses and ignoring the thorns. We want to think life is always going to be sunshine and often there are storms (no flowers without rain). You do not get to determine what life gives you, you can only decide how you deal with it. My husband is ADD and has comorbid conditions too that add to the mix. That is what life gave him and by association me. I can learn how to deal or I can go. I choose everyday to stay and see where this relationship will lead me. If I had left when all this came out I would have missed out on some of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. I really believe that we are measured by how we handle the harder aspects of our lives rather than the easy ones. I think you are already well ahead of where we were when life handed this to our family (son also ADD). We've learned how tough we are, how much we are able to depend on one another and how to create meaningful boundries. Although I stick to my statement that had I known this was what I was getting, I may very well have run the other way, BUT that is probably why we cannot see the future, it would stunt our growth! Enough rambling now.

ButterflyEffect (good movie by the way!) that was an excellent post that really hits home for me!! It truly says what I have not been able to figure out and put into words. This is my life said in a way I could never had see so positive!!! Thank you so much for reminding me of what I am doing dealing and trying to cope with this ADD!!!!

mrs A

Thank you, Butterfly. It is very good to hear those words of perspective.
-Fluvial

I have often wondered that if my ADD and depression is treated/medicated/behaviorally modified, if I'll become undesirable as a result. This thread and your comments answer with a resounding "NO." In fact, if I don't get a handle on things now, my future looks pretty dismal.
This might sound a little flip, but I'm dead serious... if you do all you can to manage the ADD & depression and it makes your relationship with your wife worse, you can always stop. Go back to old habits. But I'm betting it won't work that way. The question of loveable ADD traits in general is much less relevant than what drew your wife to you in the first place, and it wasn't just ADD or depression. I've read estimates of 3-10% of the population with ADD, so even narrowing it down to guys in the right age range she could have found lots of guys with ADD. She chose you. The good news is that ADD doesn't ever go away. The bad news is that ADD doesn't ever go away. Whichever way you choose to look at it... the best news is that it is in your power to make a difference in your lives together, and that as relative newlyweds you don't have years of resentment and injury to overcome, even if it may feel like it sometimes.

'Marry, young man, marry. If you marry wisely you will be happy, and that is a good thing. If you marry unwisely you will become a philosopher, and that is a good thing too.'
This one made me laugh. Where is it from??

I have enjoyed this upbeat discussion. I am the 2.5 year spouse of an ADD husband. There are many things that attracted me to him and that I still love. Willingness to talk to anyone is one. Hyperfocus is both a blessing and a curse, depending on the object. Honestly, the one thing I keep thinking of that I really appreciate about him that is probably related to his ADD is that he doesn't mind dog hair. I have three dogs and they are the love of my life. Had two when we met and he loves to wear fleece. Dog hair on his clothes, the furniture, etc bothers him less than me. I have to marvel...

This one made me laugh. Where is it from??
(Marry, young man, marry.. quote) I have no idea where it's from. I read it in a magazine long before I married and never forgot it, it still makes me smile. I had no ambition to become a philosopher. Funny part is I married a really good man... and still became a philosopher of sorts. Had to, to deal with my ADD. Which just goes to show how how differently life turns out than what we plan.

I have a list!

1. He doesn't sleep as much as I do so he is usually the one to get up with the kids!

2. He is energetic (once I am able to get him started on a project and seeing him through it) he does a great job!

3. He is eager to please (possibly fear driven but I'll take it!)

4. Stamina! ;)

5. A walking encycolpedia. I ask a question, he has the answer.

6. A walking calculator. "honey, how much is 30% off?"

7. He showers fast leaving me with plenty of hot water

8. Genuine in his motives.

9. Always good for a laugh (even if some of what he says/does is inappropriate :p )

10. When he cleans he does it thoroughly.

11. His creative mind and ability to think outside the box to problem solve.

12. His ability to learn things quickly.

13. His sincerity.

Many of you fell in love with ADDers, and I'm just wondering, is there anything that you love about your partner that actually stems from ADD? Were there ADD characteristics that actually attracted you to your partner in the first place?

thanks!Well, my partner actually likes me better off medication. He find me too flat on meds. He says off meds I'm "bigger than life" and he actually likes that! Of course, my husband's attentional span is a bit suspect too!;)

Scattered

There's not a lot here. He's only energetic when on meds, so I discount that. If I were taking amphetamines, I'd be energetic too.

He's outgoing - I love that. He's happy-go-lucky, which is good & bad. He's spontaneous. He's smart, which is good & bad [because he tends to act like a smartass even when he may not know what he's talking about, and it's also bad because he doesn't use his intelligence for anything that is worthwhile to his life other than short-term enjoyment]

Seamonkey
What a beautifully well rounded post.

As a non-ADD spouse I'll take a stab at answering your question, but I don't think you'll like what you hear

How about we give ya an “A-okay “ for honesty any way. Hey you were asked, on your own side of the forum and you answered . Frankly some times we don’t like each others answers either. What can I say.


The spontaneity is now impulsive behavior, the hyperfocus on me is now just neediness, the inability to take responsibility for their behavior (poor money skills, inability to fight fair, interupting in conversations, ignoring other people when they are speaking) none of those things are even remotely appealing at this point.


Many believe because I have ADD myself I shouldn’t even be over here simply because I am ADD too it is supposed to be easier (I think that is the theory any way) well it simply isn’t true. I don’t just have his ADD to deal with I have mine too. Understanding doesn’t equate easier I am unsure where this idea comes from but I have found it to be untrue.

I really can identify with inability to fight fair, interrupting conversations, he doesn’t here what I say directly to him from five feet away but he can hear what I say about him on the phone while talking to my sister from five blocks away Lack of responsibility the excuses are enough to make me want to throttle him, I can add lack of follow through. If you think I am blowing smoke feel free to read me la’natural (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=375713&postcount=750)’ I wrote this two days ago.

I currently treat my ADHD and have for over 10 years. Gary is as hyperactive as they day is long but is not treating his condition . Gary is both impulsive and spontaneous because they are the same behavior simply described from a different attitude. From dictionary.com.

Impulsive- Inclined to act on impulse rather than thought.
Motivated by or resulting from impulse:

Spontaneity
The quality or condition of being spontaneous.
Spontaneous behavior, impulse, or movement.

Meadd823 living with Gary’s ADHD. . . . the flip side on the other side.

With Gary what pops into brain comes flying out mouth he can be sooo intense about some of the silliest things but I don’t ever have to wonder what he is thinking he can’t help but express it through his entire being. Gary doesn’t posses the attention span to have hidden agendas, his emotions are extreme weather they be good or bad.

Gary can take nothing and make it some thing really big weather it is a reason to be angry or a way to make money. He has never been treated and is severely “impaired” by his symptoms even more so than I have ever been but he has managed to carve out a niche for him self out of absolute nothingness. Unable to work for any one else he actually invented his own job successfully.

He doesn’t understand what a personal boundary is and does require constant reminders of my boundary location this can be sooooo dam tiring I will admit. He does give this relationship every thing he has got he throws himself into it impulsively with total abandonment. Hey this is worth a lot more than order and follow though.

I can provide my own security I handle my own money (I dis like the way he spends), I have learned to take care of take care of my own needs because I do not feel comfotable depending upon him, he is too unpredictable. I can pop his happy a** back across his side of the person space but I can do nothing to make some one who is insincere be genuine. Being ADD the way Gary is ADD he can’t help but be genuine his is too impulsive to be any thing but.

Gary can be tiring and I wish I had a dollar for every time I am asked if he is on speed, (gee there are times I wish) but being a recovering addict any thing mind altering is out of the question for him. Despite his impulsive nature he has been clean and sober for over 13 years.

He creates piles instead of files but has taken to the pile in the box idea pretty well. He looses thing so frequently he doesn’t freak when I move his stuff around he just seems happy I know where his stuff is. He has his own clutter areas and boundless energy that can normally be directed.

He doesn’t mind doing little things for me like bring me a soda or tea when my cup is empty, every morning he wakes me up with a cup of coffee and a donut. If he gets himself a snack he always offers to share even if it is the last piece of cake . .

Every morning he takes my dog out for her “business” and feeds my whining cats. I know they get on his nerves but killing them is out of the question they are part of this family like four legged kids They are my animals and my responsibility but he takes care of their need almost every morning out of irritation but is so forgetful her forgets to complain. He can dish out the sarcasm when we argue but he has learned to take it pretty well.

He looses interest in things before he gets them complete but you know he does the same thing with resentments and grudges. He lives in the present which saves us both the burned of dragging around his past. The future is still a dream heck there is no guarantee of tomorrow any way.

Gary is 48 years old and because he is hyperactive ADD he will do stuff like climb trees with running chain saws, but he can still out work guys half his age. He does hyper focus and he does so with his work, He can’t help but be who and what he is I see his desire to focus on being able to provide as a desire to be productive with what mother nature dealt him. I can hardly fault his for doing the best he can with what he has /or is.

Not one of asked to be ADD or non-ADD we are as we were designed, what we do with our natural biological design is up to us.

What I do understand that many of you without ADD can not I know what being ADD means from the inside.

Being or having ADD means being different than most people in the world and being unable to change this fact. It means feeling different ,inferior and out of place. We have been picked on, critized, most see the worse in us we tend to agree by seeing the worst in out selves. We become defensive to keep our selves from just giving up completely. This defensiveness and even the excuses is how we have learned to survive in a world that doesn’t understand us any more than we understand it. I am not condoning shucking responsibility I believe learning how to be responsible for our own actons is the #1 thing all ADDers must learn to do.

We deny our own confusion to keep from getting lost on our own helpless despair. We simply can not figure out how to "make" our selves do some things when we do it is very hard and tiring. We don't see things the way non-ADDers do and we know this. When it comes to really big task like adult life we don't know where to beign. What works so well for you guys doesn't usually work for us and we don't have a clue as to why any more than you do. Medications do help some of us but even on medication we are still ADD

Yea being ADD means we can be a real PIA to live with but as I have tried to communicate ADD traits can be bad but there is a flip side they also carry the potential for equal good ,I have learned humans tend to see the negative so much quicker I have had to teach myself how to look for the positive side of being ADD not only in Gary but also in myself. I can take responsibility for the bad as long as I am also credited with the good.

Ya know there ain’t no such thing as a perfect partner only one whose flaws you can live with combined with their willingness to live with yours. This folks for better or worse for richer for poorer for ADD and for non-ADDer is what these long term commitments are all about.

Thanks for reading all this. Now I will be a good ADDer and go back on my side of this checkers game. :o

Yes the spontanaety (s/p?) was and is great. The constant sense of adventure adds a great deal However for me with that comes never knowing what my girl friend is doing when I am not there. If her mind is not busy with work or school - I can almost guarantee that she is looking for adventure on some internet site or via IM. Just when I think things are getting back on track - I come home to find an open link to some website and yes at times what I would view as inappropriate correspondence for someone in a relationship. Perhaps it is just me in that I expect too much - like commitment. Perhaps this is not an ADD thing however it is the only exposure I have had to trying to develop relationship with someone with ADD. As my title shows - I am at end of my road. Time to get off this ship and look for more stability. However I no doubt will miss the constant sense of adventure - but will not miss so many of the other issues I have had to deal with. Hence my profile name - Lost in Miss. At times in this relationship I have felt lost - searching for stability only to be dealt one blow after another. Living with ADD has been very challenging. Good luck to all

Perhaps it is just me in that I expect too much - like commitment. Perhaps this is not an ADD thing however it is the only exposure I have had to trying to develop relationship with someone with ADD.

This is not particularly an ADD thing but a trait in your girl friend who happens to be ADD. I am ADD and I wouldn't put up with it. I will do chat on rare occasions with family and some of my gal friends. I do not "partake"

I will mention however the ADD may be working in your favor without you realizing it. A non-ADDer would remember to close the bloomin links thus would be harder to catch.

Loved reading your post meadd823!

I think writing in this thread and what is written depends on what is going on in the relationship with our ADD partner at the time! I couldn't see positive while experiencing all the negative in the giant roller coaster of my life with an ADDer.

Must stay though that when its bad its really bad and when its good its the BEST!!

By the way all------- i love my wife for the very last quote!!!!

I just have always had a love-hate relationship with my ADD. I love that I'm impulsive until it gets me into trouble, I love that I'm fascinated by so many different things and that everything seems exciting, but I hate that I can't focus on the task at hand. Etc, etc.

There is SO much that I love about my guy... just his general buoyancy for life, for one thing! :D Early on I liked that he talked so much, having been in a LTR with a silent partner... NOW the fact that he talks all the time is not quite as charming since I realize he cannot "hear" me when he is talking... heh...

I wish I focused on all the reasons I fell in love with him more than his ADHD behaviors that now drive me nuts. It is good to make a list, so I can re-focus...

Here is my list of what I love/like about him, off the top of my head without thinking much: He is

Entertaining
Generous
Loyal
Sexy
Sexual
Offers back rubs without me asking for them
Smiles a great smile
Optimistic
Always wants to have fun
Cleans the kitchen or bathroom sometimes better than I do and always is willing to do so at least once a month :) (I clean it weekly. But not weakly.)
Is very creative in building things (indoor cat furniture; play furniture; mechanics; etc.)
Great musician (guitarist; singer)
Can get satisfaction on the phone with a telemarketer (you just have to really get into that one to 'get it'... omg... he goes all the way to the top if necessary...)
Funny
Has loads of friends

... okay, well, that's on the first breath... but now I have to go grab a bite to eat...

Hope you are all doing well tonight!

GreenEyesDancin

I don't like my hyperkinetic, impulsive side. It makes too many problems for me. I DO like the tangential thinking, the ability to get outside the box and think creatively. The creativity is my engine and it is how I make my living, so I need it. So, while there are things I do not like about my adhd, I need my adhd to get by in the world.

Me :D

My DH has pretty much taken the attitude at this point in his life that if he treats ADHD as one of his strengths rather than one of his weaknesses, it's much easier to get through life. I love how he's able to think outside of the box and because of his tangential thinking sometimes stumbles across the solutions to problems in interesting ways.

There are a couple double edged sword behaviors that on the one hand I like, but on the other hand I hate.... He's very intelligent and tends to have something to say that's relavant to every subject known to man, thus is very interesting and he's not shy and will talk to any random person about anything... I like that about him, but at times it tries my patience because he doesn't know when to pick his battles with people of opposite viewpoints and will start arguements (I'm a very non-confrotionational soul, so when he does this it tends to be a really embarassing and uncomfortable thing for me) and there are times when he decides to start conversations with strangers when we really don't have time for it....

But all in all, I accept it as part of who he is.

* i can stay up all night and still play a rugby game the next day or work the day
* i wanna get everything done right now and acheive heaps
* im real fit cuz i cant still ever!
* i dunno if this is due to adhd..i can understand peoples feelings and reason behind things
* intense, indepth thoughts about everything
* if something interests me il research it til i know everything!! - most of it i dont remember for a couple of years tho lol
*real good long term memory, crap short term

His sense of humor. My husband is evolved enough to be aware when ADD has created a problem rather than blaming it on me or someone else. And he can see the humor in some of the things that happen when he gets distracted.

Last week he couldn't find his coffee, through he knew he had poured it. He always uses a travel mug, as he frequently misplaces his coffee or leaves it in a precarious spot where it is easily knocked over. It finally turned up in the shed, where he had taken it while retrieving the rake. He could have gotten frustrated and angry over it, but instead we were both laughing over the absurdity of taking coffee into the shed.