View Full Version : Non-hyperactive- lost in conversations


stargirl101
11-05-06, 11:18 AM
I have friends but I feel my slower communication skills may slow me down at times. In addition to my constant shyness I fear meeting new people or going into new sittuations because I always feel awkward in sittuations. For instance,in one on one contact I never know what to say at the right time. Sometimes I try to say something but it comes out sounding awkward, and other times I fidget and try to pass the "awkward silence". It's not that I don't know what to say it's just a matter of stringing all of my thoughts together in an organized fashion so that I can carry on an engaging conversation. It's hard to build up conversations when you feel that you lack these basic social skills. And after I got diagnosed with ADD I feel almost more helpless because now that it is most likely from my ADD there is really no efficent/ fast way to improve. Does anyway ever feel like that in conversations? Also, when I am at parties it is the worst, when there are tons of people laughing and having fun I immediately feel uncomforatable. I am not sure what to say or how I should act, so I ussaully try to tag along with my friends and act like I am having fun even though it's really hell for me. If I had my choise I would go to to parties for 15 minutes and then be done, 6 hours is absolute hell. In these sittuations I am forced to contribute/start engaging conversations and I just feel stuck and unable to.

Is this lost feeling common for ADDers, if so is there anything I can do to regain my spark in social sittuations?

chris1585
11-05-06, 07:26 PM
edit: doh.. didn't realize i was in the teen sub forum, but post still applies I guess.

Hey stargirl,
I'm not sure if it's common or not, but I can relate to it 100+% I am trying to "regain my spark" too. I think alot of it has to do with being overwhelmed with the social responsibilities and it taking away from the comfortableness and sponteneity required in successful communication.


chris

neverdoanything
11-05-06, 09:17 PM
This sounds very familiar! When I'm with a group of people in a bar, which I am every 2 weeks after a student council meeting, I feel so lost. I'm quiet while everyone else is having fun. The thing is, I can't even follow their conversations.

stargirl101
11-05-06, 11:55 PM
yeah! It's fruaterating because you want to have fun, and gain those relationships but you just feel stuck! Have any suggestions?

livinginchaos
11-09-06, 12:12 AM
I wish I could tell you something that will work magic.

But, the best thing I can do is tell you to be yourself. Don't let what others think of you impact who you are. What matters is what you think of you.

I think once you feel more confident in situations like the ones you wrote about - that's when you'll feel more comfortable.

I think in order to gain relationships then it's better to be in smaller groups anyway. It's a more intimate setting and easier to chat.

stargirl101
11-09-06, 06:55 PM
I think that would be great advise. If I knew " how to just be myself." If I was just able to love myself all the time, and not be afraid to do it, if I was able to " not always put on a social mask hoping people would like me." But I do not know how to do that!
Is it possible for me to have lot's of friends and social confidence or are these false expectations setting me up for misery and disappointment"??? It seems like my problem is having delayed response, is it possible for me to live up to this dream I have of myself " walking into any conversation with grace and poise and spouting out spontaneous witty remarks." IS THIS POSSIBLE TO HAVE WITH ADD............ is this unrealistic to strive for...... I am stuck

livinginchaos
11-09-06, 10:34 PM
I think it's very possible to have friendships & social confidence and be ADHD.

I also agree with chris that a reason for difficulty in social situations is because of being overwhelmed. At big parties/events there are a bizillion conversations occurring and, to me, each and every conversation is at the same decibel.

The post I wrote earlier is definitely one of those "easier said than done" things.
I should have prefaced it that way.

While you & I would LOVE to walk into any situation with "grace and poise and spouting out spontaneous witty remarks" - that might be a bit idealistic. But, I do think it's possible to be socially confident and have relationships.

One thing that has helped me is to know that not everyone is going to like me, just as I am not going to like everyone - and that's ok. In friendships, what has been important is not the number of friends that I have, but the quality of friendships I have. A saying has helped me, especially in social situations I am not confident in "fake it until you make it" Fake your confidence in social situations. Again, easier said than done, but it helps. It helps to gain confidence.

I suggest, rather than having a huge goal looming over your head, that you start small. Perhaps one of the first things is to deal with your shyness. Are you in any groups or organizations at school? A great thing about school groups/organizations is that you already have something to talk about - a common interest.

I believe you just stated medication?
that might help your reaction times in social situations. I know how you feel with that! I tend to come up with things to say a minute or two after that topic finished.
It should help your focus when in conversations and be able to tune out the surrounding conversations (at least it does with me).

I hope something in this post helps you, stargirl!!

Courtney

stargirl101
11-12-06, 01:22 AM
After messaging other forumers..
I have come to the conclusion that my problem in conversations is not that I lack focus, but that I hyper focus on my incompetencies, so that I feel awkward in conversations. I become very self contious and before I know it, I have lost the conversation.
Does this make any sence?

livinginchaos
11-12-06, 01:59 AM
I think it makes sense, stargirl.

lilhurt38
11-16-06, 12:05 AM
this is my experience with socializing and having ADD. the biggest thing that you have to learn is that socializing is a skill that you practice and get better with, and if you get ignored or turned down, it has nothing to do with who you are as a person, you just didn't say the right thing at the right time. I was on Ritalin and tried just about every ADD med that is out there, but none of them really helped my grades. The medications also made me very self-concious and shy. I had lost a lot of friends due to the fact that I just couldn't get myself to talk to people. Once I got off of the meds i had to re learn how to socialize because the meds had taken that skill away from me. Socializing is all mental, most of the thoughts about what others think about you are totally imagined. Seriously, because of my ADD I have a hard time paying attention to what people say, but I at least act like I know what they're talking about or try to listen for key words. Just realize that socializing is a good thing, but it is not everything, it is just a skill or a "game" that you get better at the more times you work at it.

stargirl101
11-16-06, 12:20 AM
Do you think you have improved at socializing, throughout the year? Do you still struggly with those kind of problems.

thx for the insight****

Claudia_0102
11-16-06, 10:40 AM
I'm alright with talking to people but i often times do say something and it sounds akward. I just have trouble listening to people,like when they go on and on and don't seem to have an end to their story i tend to space out and then when their done talking i really have no idea what they said. And because i'm so shy i can't make any friends. :(

Grade A
11-16-06, 04:12 PM
I can be shy around people, especially people I do not know. I have to wait for them to talk most times, because I have to hold myself back from gabbing to much. But if I am bored in the conversation it is obvious, to me anyway.

Again, depends on the situation, and my mood plays a huge part.

stargirl101
11-20-06, 06:39 PM
I think my problem is partially that I can not always think of things to say, but mostly that I feel intimanated my others, when I look at them I feel instantly scared that they won't like me, and if they say something nice to me I often take it the wrong way. Thus, I feel like my real problem sprouts from my insecuries and my tendancies to hyper focus on negative details.

Can anybody relate......

Grade A
11-20-06, 08:17 PM
I think my problem is partially that I can not always think of things to say, but mostly that I feel intimanated my others, when I look at them I feel instantly scared that they won't like me, and if they say something nice to me I often take it the wrong way. Thus, I feel like my real problem sprouts from my insecuries and my tendancies to hyper focus on negative details.

Can anybody relate......Absolutely! You put it in the words I couldn't find.

I know about insecurities, but what is it about them that make us think others won't like us. Is it how we grew up, or is it that we know we are different???

stargirl101
11-21-06, 09:35 PM
hmmmm....???

I can defianely relate to those questions. My struggle is that when I was younger, I was very outgoing and was fully engaged in social activity. I guess that as I grew older, and my differences from others became more obvious I began to feel a little bit like an " outcast". Being in social settings were no longer filled with fun and sponenaity like I once remembered, it now included a lot of stress and the constant need to fufill the expectations I felt that others needed from me. Soon rather then saying the first thing that came to my mind in conversations, I began to filter what I said, I didn't want to come off " sounding different", before I knew it I had become much more shy and had a " selective" and limited group of friends. There no longer was a sense of excitement with friends, now it was all about putting on an act so that more people would accept me. My self image became more wounded, when I realized that my new " methods" weren''t working. This just created more anxienty, and I am slowly trying to build back the damage I created in that one horrible decieving year.

I am trying to uncover the exitement I once felt in social sittuations, and trying t hard to find a place where I belong, even though sometimes it feels so hard..........
and I still feel alone a lot.....

Phillippe
04-13-07, 02:45 PM
I can't say I've had much success with the social aspects of my life. I do have friends but I can really relate to what you´re telling. When I was younger i tried to talk about things and start conversations about things I really wasn´t interested in just to chat. That makes people confused and it won´t lead to anything.
Make sure you care and be natural!!!!;)

android
07-03-07, 12:06 PM
i don't know how old you guys are. im 25 but i think my social world is still very similar to yours because it is still about going to parties every friday and saturday. i've always felt very lonely. i have friends, but only a couple and i envy so much people who have a million friends and receive calls on their cell all the time. i have like a theory of why this happens to me and wanted to share it with yall. i think when i was between 4 years of age till i was like 10, which is the age when you learn your basic social skills by imitating and by observing others, i didnt lear those skills because of my adhd condition you know? i mean how are you going to observe and imitate if you cant concentrate long enough to comprehend the main ideas&feelings that people comunicate during a conversation?.
i think this poor social skills leads a kid straight into social rejection because, as i read some where, social relations function in such a way that if you are good at socializing with others you get more feedback from those who you socialize with and this lets you improve your social skills even more and so on in a loop cycle. now if you have poor social skills when you are a kid then you will provably get very little feedback from those who you socialize with because it is socially unappropiate to tell someone they are doing or saying something socially wrong... and so that kid is also in a loop cycle which goes in the opposite direction.
english is my second language so i hope you can understand what im saying.
having said this... i want to ask people who read this forum a question. can anyone come up with an eccersice maybe that can improve your performance at socializing.... or maybe someone who is socially competent can give out the "ten amendments" of socialization?.... i would be so thankful...

QueensU_girl
07-03-07, 12:09 PM
It sounds like you have serious anxiety and self esteem problems.

Many ADHD people are not shy. In fact, we get into trouble for being overly friendly, overly familiar and perhaps even intrusive.

I had shyness, earlier in life, due to PTSD Anxiety issues, but it was fixed with Prozac (SSRI medication). Then the Combined ADHD came out. :D

stargirl101
07-09-07, 10:17 PM
Android,

I think your " theory" may have some accuracy, however their are many
other factors that may contribute to poor social skills or shyness. For instance, certain personality types are naturally more introverted, this has nothing to do with " spacing out" or being oblivious to others behavior, it just means that the person is more vocal internally then externally.

I think that there are two types of people with ADD. There are first, the extroverts who are not afraid to share the somewhat confuzing puzzles from inside their to the world and the introverts who keep these puzzles to themselves, and sometimes find themselves lost in this confusion.

So keep in mind weather you are an introvert or an extravert has a lot to do with how you interact with others, I strongly reccomend that you get tested by Myers Briggs.

aloha1983
09-12-07, 08:02 AM
Hi Stargirl,

Boy can I relate. I was in the same boat when I was younger. I think too, because we are often more mature then our peers (due to having a slightly harder chiklhood at times due to ADD, we are more resilient) it is hard to get excited when the topic is boring.

Tips: Go places with a good friend/family member who knows of your ADD. They can be your 'wingman/wingwoman' if you need to vent or even to save an awkward moment if you say/ miss the wrong thing.

Remember after you stay a reasonable amount of time, you can make an early exit. If you see people outside of the big group events it's not such a big deal if you leave.

Take toilet breaks, or talk with people outside to take a break from all the noise.

Eat/drink enough, and get a good nights sleep the night before.

Be polite and interested. Smile, mirror body language subtly and focus to the best of your ability. If people see you are a nice person, they will forgive minor character flaws.

As the others said, it is something you need to practice regularly. It gets easier as the years go on. And particularly more so when you get to know yourself.

Rudyard Rebel
11-14-07, 01:28 PM
I can relate to this too. I find the self-consciousness is a by-product of the lack of things to say, but after much practice I'm discovering that the ability to find conversation improves quickly over time (I was in your situation two months ago, and can see my improvement clearly). Good luck to you.

supersomeone
12-05-07, 11:29 PM
With new people or in situations(sp) where i am new to or forced to be in i feel like t hat because I feel i have say something .I am much better at this now then a year or two ago. what I do is try to stick with one friend that i have and hang with them then I focus on that one conversation (harder then it sounds)

Kingway
12-09-08, 02:28 AM
I understand what you are living, I lived it. You don't trust yourself, you always think the others are finding you strange or boring? You don't listen to someone when he speaks to you, because you can't concentrate and/or it's boring... can't have fun.

If it's this, I think it will change with age. Well, it did for me. And medication helped a lot also.

TheColorOfSleep
07-17-09, 12:05 PM
I have friends but I feel my slower communication skills may slow me down at times. In addition to my constant shyness I fear meeting new people or going into new sittuations because I always feel awkward in sittuations. For instance,in one on one contact I never know what to say at the right time. Sometimes I try to say something but it comes out sounding awkward, and other times I fidget and try to pass the "awkward silence". It's not that I don't know what to say it's just a matter of stringing all of my thoughts together in an organized fashion so that I can carry on an engaging conversation. It's hard to build up conversations when you feel that you lack these basic social skills. And after I got diagnosed with ADD I feel almost more helpless because now that it is most likely from my ADD there is really no efficent/ fast way to improve. Does anyway ever feel like that in conversations? Also, when I am at parties it is the worst, when there are tons of people laughing and having fun I immediately feel uncomforatable. I am not sure what to say or how I should act, so I ussaully try to tag along with my friends and act like I am having fun even though it's really hell for me. If I had my choise I would go to to parties for 15 minutes and then be done, 6 hours is absolute hell. In these sittuations I am forced to contribute/start engaging conversations and I just feel stuck and unable to.

Is this lost feeling common for ADDers, if so is there anything I can do to regain my spark in social sittuations?

Ugh, I relate to this on so many levels and it's really depressing. My only solution was alcohol or stimulants, both of which I don't recommend as they are temporary chemical solutions. Although eventually these skills carried onto soberness, and I could at least hold a conversation with most people. Generally not randoms. Still, I feel obligated to converse, rather than a desire to.

rossragsdale
07-17-09, 02:09 PM
yeah absolutely, this is difficult even for people without add but with it, it really is painful. Thanks stargirl

kwalk
07-19-09, 05:43 PM
a big thing I learned, don't let yourself get excited over just a conversation or something going on in the conversation. That right there means you're looking for all the exciting things about conversation and are not paying attention to all the real things going on. People don't want to give you attention if you're going to be selective. Eventually, I didn't look for all the exciting things and was happy experiencing all the little things people find joy in.

rossragsdale
07-20-09, 10:22 AM
Yeah, I think the best way to resolve this is resolve the issue you are dealing with in the other thread we are discussing. I think it's definitely related.

Momofadder
08-04-09, 11:37 PM
I have friends but I feel my slower communication skills may slow me down at times. In addition to my constant shyness I fear meeting new people or going into new sittuations because I always feel awkward in sittuations. For instance,in one on one contact I never know what to say at the right time. Sometimes I try to say something but it comes out sounding awkward, and other times I fidget and try to pass the "awkward silence". It's not that I don't know what to say it's just a matter of stringing all of my thoughts together in an organized fashion so that I can carry on an engaging conversation. It's hard to build up conversations when you feel that you lack these basic social skills. And after I got diagnosed with ADD I feel almost more helpless because now that it is most likely from my ADD there is really no efficent/ fast way to improve. Does anyway ever feel like that in conversations? Also, when I am at parties it is the worst, when there are tons of people laughing and having fun I immediately feel uncomforatable. I am not sure what to say or how I should act, so I ussaully try to tag along with my friends and act like I am having fun even though it's really hell for me. If I had my choise I would go to to parties for 15 minutes and then be done, 6 hours is absolute hell. In these sittuations I am forced to contribute/start engaging conversations and I just feel stuck and unable to.

Is this lost feeling common for ADDers, if so is there anything I can do to regain my spark in social sittuations? i'm a 17 year old boy and i feel the same way (im on my moms account btw.) My friends accept me for who i am but they all know i am one of the most awkward friends they have. sometimes i just say random stuff without even thinking about it. sometimes they are extremely vulgar things. these things end up biting me later on. so i think my add may be a little different than yours, because im not afraid to say things. my worst weapon is my mouth because it gets me in so much trouble.when i go to a dance i freeze up and feel as tho i have to make a running dash for the door. but anyways, i just wanted to tell u that u rnt the only one who feels this way.

Matthew83
09-07-11, 08:41 PM
Hey guys im new to the forum, had my first day of school today (junior) and it didnt go to well. I got kind of upset and thought about why I have so much trouble socializing and realized I was just diagnosed with ADD about a year ago and maybe it had something to do with that. Ss I googled ADD forums, found this, and wow everything you guys are describing is EXACTLY how I feel. I can never think of the right thing to say in time and get overwhelmed in almost all conversations with racing thoughts.

Anyway sorry to talk about myself so much, I want to put this out there: honesty. Like just saying in a conversation "im sorry I was thinking about what you said could you repeat it?" or more realistically "Could you talk a little slower I have trouble processing what your saying" Has anyone ever tried this and if so does it work well? Sorry if this has been brought up before I didnt read through the whole thread.