I've been dating a guy with ADHD for a year and 6 months (on and off). During this entire time, there was a lot of "drama" brought on by me (other men, break ups, other "stimulating" situations). Throughout all this "drama", he showed excessive of interest in me, told me how much he loved and adored me, and pretty much made me the priority of his life (despite the everyday ADHD distractions). Needless to say, all of this drama has taking a toll on him, he has been hurt on several occations, and he has mentioned that he has trouble trusting me.

THEN, LAST WEEKEND, I indicated that I was "done dating" and that I wanted to see how things go between us.
And POOF.... his interest vanished (stopped calling, doesn't want to see me as often, dissed me to hang with his friends, etc).

My question:
1. I understand that ADHDers can be adrenaline junkies (this man definitely is). Do you think his "intense" interest in me for a year and a half was only because the "drama" fed him ADRENALINE??

2. I understand that ADHDers need to be extreemly interested in a task in order to focus on it. Does his lack of focus on me indicated that he has lost interest in me??

3. I understand that ADHDers have a period of hyperattention and then a sudden loss of interest. Do you think this explains his sudden disinterest in me?? (although a year and 6 month seems like a LONG span between "hyperfocus" and "loss of focus").

I GUESS what I'm trying to understand is, is his loss of interest due to his ADHD, or did he just "fall out of love"??

I do truely believe he DID love me (wanting to introduce me to his friends, family, kids, etc.) but people DO fall out of love everyday.

IS IT ME OR ADHD?????

Sounds more like commitment phobia to me. Since you announced just the weekend before that you were, in essence, making an exclusive commitment to him. That can scare a lot of would-be partners away.

Sorry that happened to you. :(

You're kidding right? You've been jerking him around for a year and a half and then you decide "you're done" with other guys...and you expect him to do what? Maybe he doesn't trust you.

IS IT ME OR ADHD?????
At this point, does it really matter? He has made it clear that he is not willing to participate in the relationship at the same level of committment that you are expecting.

Partly just a guy thing. The thrill of the chase is no longer. The persuit is won. The interest is gone. Guys like to always be ahead of the game and to call the shots. When us girls do that, they do tend to run. ADHD or not. I am so sorry!

(((HUGS)))

Okay, just to clarify (I seemed to have missed some crutial information that makes me sound like a cuel person who slept around and is trying to blame it on his ADHD).

I am 20 year his junior and he has 2 kids. The dating was his idea and his insistance because he felt the relationship isn't right for me and because he couldn't handle "ruining my life". He is the second man I've ever been with (I'm 30) and I love him very much, and am trying to understand his prespective.

What I am refering to when I say "other men" are two men, one I went on one date with, another I tried dating for a few months (with his encouragement).

Obviously, even though in his mind he knew that's what he wanted for me, emotionally, it bothered him... thus the "drama".

I found this website a few days ago, and I read many many postings. I am abolutely flabergasted by the similarities in my experiance and my turmoil in my relationship with him. And based on what I have read, his ADHD is SEVERE (he's been medicated for years, not sure which one).

In the year and a half, I have lived through his auto accident (1 month in ICU), his divorce (he was seperated), his legal issues, his starting of a new business, and EIGHT different relocations (one being his car).

I may sound cold in trying a different relationship, but I do love him very much, and would like to understand the nature of his condition.

I hope someone can help me with my questions.


I've been dating a guy with ADHD for a year and 6 months (on and off). During this entire time, there was a lot of "drama" brought on by me (other men, break ups, other "stimulating" situations). Throughout all this "drama", he showed excessive of interest in me, told me how much he loved and adored me, and pretty much made me the priority of his life (despite the everyday ADHD distractions). Needless to say, all of this drama has taking a toll on him, he has been hurt on several occations, and he has mentioned that he has trouble trusting me.

THEN, LAST WEEKEND, I indicated that I was "done dating" and that I wanted to see how things go between us.
And POOF.... his interest vanished (stopped calling, doesn't want to see me as often, dissed me to hang with his friends, etc).

My question:
1. I understand that ADHDers can be adrenaline junkies (this man definitely is). Do you think his "intense" interest in me for a year and a half was only because the "drama" fed him ADRENALINE??

2. I understand that ADHDers need to be extreemly interested in a task in order to focus on it. Does his lack of focus on me indicated that he has lost interest in me??

3. I understand that ADHDers have a period of hyperattention and then a sudden loss of interest. Do you think this explains his sudden disinterest in me?? (although a year and 6 month seems like a LONG span between "hyperfocus" and "loss of focus").

I GUESS what I'm trying to understand is, is his loss of interest due to his ADHD, or did he just "fall out of love"??

I do truely believe he DID love me (wanting to introduce me to his friends, family, kids, etc.) but people DO fall out of love everyday.

IS IT ME OR ADHD?????

You're kidding right? You've been jerking him around for a year and a half and then you decide "you're done" with other guys...and you expect him to do what? Maybe he doesn't trust you.

This is just a friendly reminder for all members, that this is a support forum. Yes, obviously we are all NOT going to agree(or even like) what some people post. Members come here and post things when they need advice or questions answered. Sometimes the negative replies can do more harm. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion on things and it is okay for them to express them but I am just asking that all members be more sensitive when replying to a post

The distractability of an ADDer can all too easily be misinterpreted as disinterest or rudeness. The plain and simple truth is that we are just a tad scattered, and if we are with someone we like, sometimes we get a little overloaded and that makes us a little more scattered.... I don't know about anybody else but I can simply run out of things to say when I am busy trying to process what is going on around me. It's not disinterest, honest, I'm just carrying a full visualspatial load mentally and words become hard to focus on.

Now, there is no accounting for people who are just disinterested or downright rude, but that is not an ADHD issue...

You might try investing some time just to see what happens. I think that if you put in some time you will find out for sure , either way.

ME :D

I'm not sure whether it is or isn't..but it could be that he finally finished with his marriage and realized he doesn't want to get into anything right now, or that his enouragement of you to date other guys was sincere, he really doesn't feel that getting involved with him would be good for you in the end.

It could be that the excitement is over, the will she/won't she part is done...so the interest, or that he has found someone else that has become more interested in, or something else for the time being, perhaps he's remembering how much fun he was with his friends and wants to spend more time with them.

Unless he's told you how he's feeling you don't really know.

The best thing for you to do, if you can, is just try to think of other things and go ahead and do anything you want to do with anyone you like.

What I do know is you absolutely can't wait for him, if he was interested in getting closer at this time, you would have no doubt about it at all.

Why is it a hard question always gets such hard answers??? I don't know but there it is and I hope you won't spend any more time worrying about it, or at least as little time as possible.

Keep him as a friend, if he comes back and seems friendly but otherwise, have your own directions in mind.

(my very best and most sincere advice)

cs

Hi MayB

I agree with crime_scene that unless you ask him, you won't really know how he's feeling. It sounds like there has been drama on both sides of the relationship and I guess it's possible that combined with the "newness" of the relationship a certain amount of drama could be stimulating to someone with ADD/ADHD.

I can tell you though about my relationship - my husband goes through phases where he becomes more interested in his job, friends, sports etc. There are some evenings when he'll disappear to the computer room where he'll stay until after I've gone to bed. I'm a pretty independent person myself and after 13 years I've learned to handle this. I've realized that there are times when I've focused on my friends or work more than my marriage. I don't equate that to "falling out of love".

On the other end of the spectrum, he can become hyper focused on me. Usually this occurs after a span of time where he's been focused elsewhere and he feels that we are not doing enough together. He'll decide that I need an exercise plan, more personal goals, a hobby and the list goes on. Sometimes he's very constructive about what he says. On one occasion I agreed with his point, but he mistook my agreement for "keep on lecturing me". He completely missed my verbal and non-verbal cues to back off. Every so often I have to walk away from the situation and confront him the next day. (I call this the 2x4 over the head approach)

I just wanted to share my experience with you because I related to your question about hyper attentiveness vs falling out of love. Based on my experience I don't think this is exclusive to someone with ADD/ADHD. Like I said, at times I am focused elsewhere too, but that doesn't mean I've fallen out of love. It's obvious you care deeply for him and I wish you both luck!

I don't mean to be negative, but your relationship was destined to fail from the start. How can this guy seriously consider a long term relationship with someone that showed no consideration for his feelings. I would think that if you guys had a relationship, he would always wonder if you are or will be loyal and honest.

hi maybe

i see what you are saying id give it.time.....an see where things go it all takes time i know from what you are dayng about the past.....but in the end its allabout trust...an only in time will you know for shore...he himself needs time
i wishs you luck i wish you well but i do hope things work out if they dont then maybe being freinds ant such a bad thing good luck

dorm