Please help me welcome a new member. Her name is MayB and here is her intro
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I am a recently divorced 31 year old professional living in Connecticut (6 year marriage, together total of 11 years from age 19).

I am a non-ADHDer who is currently dating a wonderful man with ADHD (medicated) for a year and a half. I was married when I met him (my marriage had been bad for years) and he is 20 years my senior with 2 wonderful grade school kids (non-ADHD).

In the year and a half that I've been with him, I have lived through his auto accident (SUV rollover, 1 month in ICU), his divorce (he was separated), multiple lawsuits (business and personal), his starting and closing of businesses, and EIGHT different relocations (one being his car, and a few hotels).

I found this website a few days ago, and I read many many postings. I am absolutely flabbergasted by the similarities in my experience and my turmoil in my relationship with him. And based on what I have read, his ADHD is SEVERE.

I am currently at the crossroad of deciding where to go with this relationship. Is this something that I can do, is this something that I WANT to do, Is this something that will make me happy...

I love this man very much, and I am hoping there is a way to find happiness together despite the hurt and anger and frustration we feel everyday.

I hope this community will help me understand him, and ADHD, better."

Hey and welcome! I would first grab some good books, which you may have seen already. Dr. Hallowell has the best as far as I'm concerned -- Driven to Distraction, etc. It is stunning when you read the "symptoms" or whatever you want to call them -- and all the time, you thought it was just your guy who can't put the dishes away, always loses his wallet and keys, gets angry easily, can't remember what you told him. When we describe for each other what's going on, lots of people will chime in saying "I had no idea that was ADD." So we look on these boards and learn a lot. I think the important thing for you to remember is that you can't change this man -- what you see right now is what you get for the rest of your/his life or as long as you choose to stay. They can change meds, get more or less depressed, get more or less organized with some help, but they don't ever get to put the ADD down. Think seriously about whether, for instance, you want to have children with him -- can you picture that? Most women will say that if they're married to an ADDer, it's like having one more kid. This is not a slam -- my guy would more than anything like to remember things, etc., but try as he will, he can't seem to. Some things aren't important, some are. I care a lot that he spends too much money; that can be a big problem when you're married -- but impulsiveness is a chief characteristic and that's the way it is. A lot of people will tell you that Adders hyperfocus on you at first -- and boy does that feel good -- and then they get distracted by other "projects" and you may feel let down. From the outside, if you know someone casually who has it, it looks like no big deal. When you're living with it, and want and expect things from the person, it's a huge deal. Just keep reading and looking at this board...and best of luck to you.

Oh my god.... why didn't I find this site sooner...???
I have talked to so many "outsiders" about my expriances and not ONCE has anyone understood it like you just did in ONE posting....

"To the outsider it doens't seem like a big deal"... You are absolutely right. They don't GET what it's like when everything you expriance is so contradicting...
You find yourself thinking "what am I doing here??" "Who am I??" "What is wrong with me??"

You are absolutely right... I knew the man had ADHD but until I read these entries I had NO idea how SIGNIFICANT a roll his ADHD played in his behavior...
I can't get over how SIMILAR my expriances are with the people here... and I'm reading these postings thinking "THAT is ADHD TOO????"
After learning what ADHD REALLY is, I can say with absolute certainty and first hand experiance... THE MAN HAS ADHD.

It's hard to swallow but I guess I DO have to accept that this is a PERMENANT condition... and that it will never "change" all together, or "go away"...
I have a whole new perspective when I ask myself "Can I do this??"
Up until now, I have always made excuses for him, saying "If I can ONLY get him to see the importance of this relationship, he'll WANT to change".
But now what I'm reading is that he WON'T change??? Ever??
That is hard to swallow...

I've also always blamed his lack of focus on everything else that is going on in his life (described in my original entry), but now I'm starting to understand that this is his LIFE, not a temporary PHASE.... THIS is how is life is... ALWAYS....
That is hard to swallow....

One more thing I found very "close to home" in your posting is:
"A lot of people will tell you that Adders hyperfocus on you at first -- and boy does that feel good -- and then they get distracted by other "projects" and you may feel let down."
So basically an ADDer is HYPERFOCUSED when he is interested, and DISTRACTED when he "loses interest". So if a guy is no longer hyperfocused on you, does that mean he's no longer interested in you??
I'm having this trouble with my man right now.... He's has DEFINITELY gotten distracted in the past few months....
So if his ADHD "magnifies" how he is feeling in terms of "interest", does that mean that he has lost interest in me???

Thank you!!!!

One more thing I found very "close to home" in your posting is:
"A lot of people will tell you that Adders hyperfocus on you at first -- and boy does that feel good -- and then they get distracted by other "projects" and you may feel let down."
So basically an ADDer is HYPERFOCUSED when he is interested, and DISTRACTED when he "loses interest". So if a guy is no longer hyperfocused on you, does that mean he's no longer interested in you??
I'm having this trouble with my man right now.... He's has DEFINITELY gotten distracted in the past few months....
So if his ADHD "magnifies" how he is feeling in terms of "interest", does that mean that he has lost interest in me???

Thank you!!!![/QUOTE]
No-- his not hyperfocusing on you just means that you're not "new" anymore. Big difference between "new" and "not interested." But obviously, you should have a say on what your needs are, and make sure taht he understands that-- you are still just as important in a relationship as he is, so what you want also matters.

But I wouldn't be worried if he's not hyperfocusing on you right now-- as an ADDer, I wouldn't see that as "I'm not interested in you" Try creating new and different experiences with him-- that should refocus him.

Welcome to the forums MayB! :)

Welcome MayB,

I understand what you are going through and I'm the one with ADD in my relationship:D I fully realize how I effect him forgetting to do things not following through, impulsive etc. and I hate it too sometimes. There's a lot of information here and it can get a little overwhelming too so pace yourself.

Good Luck:)

Thank you Happycat on that insight!


No-- his not hyperfocusing on you just means that you're not "new" anymore. Big difference between "new" and "not interested." But obviously, you should have a say on what your needs are, and make sure taht he understands that-- you are still just as important in a relationship as he is, so what you want also matters.

I wouldn't be worried if he's not hyperfocusing on you right now-- as an ADDer, I wouldn't see that as "I'm not interested in you" Try creating new and different experiences with him-- that should refocus him.

Okay, here's my confusion on this...
If his ability to focus on someone/something has to do with it being "NEW", how come SOMETHINGS he can continue being focused on and continue treating as a priority even AFTER they're no longer NEW?? (Good example: His children... they're 9 and 7 y.o. so they're far from new).

For example, when it comes to his relationship with ME, he is often late to pick me up (sometimes by hours... "I got a phone call and couldn't leave the house"). Or he often says "I'll call you back later", never to be heard from again for 30 hours. And he'll hardly EVER take the time to think ahead to make sure he can see me again soon.

BUT on the other hand, when it comes to his CHILDREN, he is 99.99% THERE...
He calls his ex-wife to figure out who's going to have them on Halloween. He writes down their hocky game schedule... making sure he gets there at 5:30am. He talks to them on the phone, uninterupted, and never forgets to call back.
Every effort is made to make SURE he stays FOCUSED... AND HE'S ABLE TO DO IT...

SO, I guess my question here is, WHY DOES IT SEEM "SELECTIVE"???
WHY IS IT that he is able to make it to that 10:00am meeting with the president of West Union Bank, but NOT make it at 6:00pm to pick ME up??

I think that SELECTIVENESS is what hurts non-ADDers the MOST...

If someone you love is ALWAYS BLIND, no one gets their feelings hurt...
But when that person gets his eye sight back SOMETIMES... usually when they are looking at something ELSE... but then goes BLIND again when it's your turn, it starts to feel personal!!!

Do you think ADHDer have some kind of "VIP" SWITCH that is saved ONLY for the SUPER VIP (such as children)?? And once this VIP switch is turned on, the ADHD conditions are somewhat turned OFF, or turned DOWN because they are SO absolutely important, that they can "self-regulate" better???
If there is such a switch, which VIP (person/thing) turns YOUR switch on? And how does a non-ADDer become a VIP??

Thank you!!

Hello MayB,

Well I must say alagirl has said it well!! I would just have to say that about the hyperfocusing on you in the beginning and not now, that doesn't mean they are not interested in you anymore!! It definitely makes you feel that way and is very hard to deal with but I think that other things that are going on "in the moment" seem to distract them from us. I have been trying to deal with this and still can't at times. There is always something that "happens" in their life that seems more important.
Sounds like your guy has his share of problems to deal with. It makes life even harder for you if you are trying to constantly help him out of his troubles. Sometimes that can get unbearable. I have seemed to try and live day to day but that too is hard never feeling like I can plan a future wondering if tomorrow will be something that I won't be able to deal with. So far I have been through alot for along time and have been raising our 2 kids somewhat on my own it feels like. Not being able to count on him as there is always something that comes up with him that he sees as more important.
Good Luck to you and I also would advise you to get into the habit of doing for yourself. I never did! it was always about him or the kids and I feel that once the kids are grown, I will not hold back for myself. I just wish I could have done more for myself all through this relationship.
Keep learning ....

Hi Again,

Just read your last post. All I can say is that it is very difficult to understand what goes on in their heads!!!! What you are saying about his focus on is kids is something mine never does. I wish he would but his focus is on his work and his interests (always about him!!) He always forgets about our kids and even me when he is focused on work or his next adventure (running, fishing, new toys that he wants, etc)" Its all about HIM" it seems to me and my kids. They have said that to me for years which makes them sad and closer to me which he always resents but can't see why.
Its all very difficult to make sense sometimes and thats what is so frustrating.
I sometimes feel that if I was to just do my own thing while he is doing his we would just go are separate ways eventually. Its our kids that keep me around. They need me and I would never put myself before them. They wouldn't have anyone else to depend on. Maybe your man feels that way about his kids? Does his ex do lots with their kids as well or does he seem to be the one they count on? Could also be guilt. ADDers carry alot of guilt and try to lessen it in the areas that seem to be the most guilt for them. At least thats what I have noticed with my husband. He knows I am always there for our kids.
Don't know if that makes any sense to you. Its very hard to figure them out and its also very hard to not be hurt by the things they do even when you do understand why.

One more question on:


But I wouldn't be worried if he's not hyperfocusing on you right now-- as an ADDer, I wouldn't see that as "I'm not interested in you" Try creating new and different experiences with him-- that should refocus him.How do I go about creating new and different experiances?? Does it mean I have to create drama??

And how do I distinguish "NO LONGER INTERESTED" and "ADHD DISTRACTION"?
What are some clear signs that an ADHDer is no longer interested?
What are some clear signs that an ADHDer is STILL interested, but just distracted??

Thank you!!!!

MrsA, thank you for your input :)
I've read many of your postings and it sounds like you have years of expriance in this field (just the person I'm looking for!)

In response to your comments:

"They wouldn't have anyone else to depend on. Maybe your man feels that way about his kids?"...

YES, the mother (exwife) is bipolar and has made two attempts on her life (years ago) and, for a lack of a better term, she goes "NUTS". He definitely feels he must be the "stable" one in their life...

"Could also be guilt. ADDers carry alot of guilt and try to lessen it in the areas that seem to be the most guilt for them.

He does feel a lot of guilt that his kids had to go through so much in their young lives. He always comments "she's 9 years old for crying out loud... she's been through enough, you know?"


You said "At least that's what I have noticed with my husband (about 'guilt')". What are somethings he feels guilty for? And does he try to "be good (less ADDish)" to make up for the guilt??
This is a very interesting point...

One more question on:

How do I go about creating new and different experiances?? Does it mean I have to create drama??

And how do I distinguish "NO LONGER INTERESTED" and "ADHD DISTRACTION"?
What are some clear signs that an ADHDer is no longer interested?
What are some clear signs that an ADHDer is STILL interested, but just distracted??

Thank you!!!!
If you read some of the posts on the forums, it does seem that some ADDers crave drama.... personally, I RUN from drama-- I can't deal with it, and I feel sick when I feel like I'm playing games (most of which I don't follow, anyways). Besides, drama wouldn't be a healthy, long-term solution, would it? What I meant was, try doing something new with him that interests both of you.....Are there new activities you both can get involved in, discover something intersting where you guys live? Something that would be a "new" hobby, taht he can do with you?

Regarding figuring out if someone's interested, I think that's a tough one, ADD or not. We're all unique and express our emotions in our own way....If I were you, I would just ask him-- that's probably the best way-- and if he says something along the lines of "I'm very intersted in this relationship, but I just seem to get tied up," he's probably being honest--not blowing you off.

I personally have bent over backwards for those I love and care about, and have selflessly done things for people that most others wouldn't have, simply because I care. That said, I've also been told by those close to me that I can neglect stuff that's important to them, which makes them feel I don't care....so I don't really have an answer for you on this point because I'm still figuring it out myself :) But I hate when people don't think I care, because in reality, I really do.

You're absolutely right that creating unnecessary drama would not be a long term resolution, and that any resolution would have to be a positive one...

Just as you described about drama (real and created), he does seem to HATE "unpleasant" drama (exwife drama, relationship drama, drama with customer service at Best Buy), and avoids it at all cost.

On the other hand, he does seem to gravitate towards situations that create "controversy" and "suspense" in his world... ones that he would call people up to say "You would NOT believe what he did this time!! (regarding a guy he had plans to fire)." He seems to really thrive on these stories, and they are retold and relived MANY times (in very loud volume).

But then, after a short period of thriving on the excitement and thrill, the situation starts to get out of hand or it becomes "old" and he stresses over how to resolve them... only to gravitate towards another "friend that needs help" or "problem that needs his input" or "opportunitly of a life time!!"... and getting pulled knee deep into another situation...


As for your comment on"caring":
"I personally have bent over backwards for those I love and care about, and have selflessly done things for people that most others wouldn't have, simply because I care."

- That is so true about him too... I know him to go out of his way (WAY out of his way) to help others, but at the same time these people feel he neglects them and cares little about them.... I AM ONE OF THESE PEOPLE.... but I'm trying hard to understand.


Thank you!!

Hi May: I've been with my guy for four years. I'm thinking that over time, we've worked out some things that I needed. For instance, I told him that I shop and cook (and put lots of effort into that), so that the kitchen is his to clean. He almost never does it after dinner, always in the morning. Sometimes he might wait another day. That is just fine with me. When I first met him, he only carried his dish to the counter. I don't know if he's "changed," but we've worked out something we can live with. We clean when we're going to have company -- do it together in a big hurry and that works, too. But as far as basic changes, no. He sits at the computer day after day. held sway to whatever interesting thing is there. When he's on the computer he doesn't have to feel guilty about anything, worry about anything. I keep thinking how great it would be for him to get a job he loved, that engaged his brain and used his great store of knowledge...but you know what? He won't. I wouldn't spend too much time on the "is he interested in me" stuff. If you're not getting what you need now, I promise it won't get better and may get worse. And doing drama, as you said, would be silly and artificial. Try to see him without blinders as clearly as you can, to see if you can live with/enjoy exactly who he is and how he acts.

MayB-- I can totally relate to your bf regarding the drama issue. Though I abhor personal drama, I thrive on crisis issues in which I have to solve problems and work under pressure. I'm very lucky that I found a career that allows me to do just that (I do media work and crisis management). I don't have an answer for this, but perhaps my personal relationships with people aren't rocky simply because I have the outlet to get my "drama rush," per se. I don't know. I never feel the need to create any drama with people around me. But I do enjoy dramatic situations (such as the one's my clients have). Is your bf happy woth his job? That could make a world of a difference.

And Alagirl is right, there's always room for compromise, but a complete change is unrealistic, so you have to see if this is something you personally can deal with-- and it's not your fault if it isn't--we're all unique with our own needs, and you have every right to find someone who makes you happy. Also, is he on meds? This, too can make a huge difference--especially in the drama department.

Hope that helps, and best of luck!

"Is your bf happy with his job?"
Well, "happy" would be a stretch, but it's definitely extremely stimulating to him and keeps his mind occupied... and although he complains about it a lot (mostly about coworkers) he seems to thrive on the challenge.

He started a capital finance business that does multi-million $ deals just this spring. (I've been reading that ADHDers like these 'high risk' jobs, so that explains his choice of business I guess.) This is like his 15th business, and he's made and lost millions (currently leaning towards the "LOST") in his life. He's gone from big homes to living in his car MANY times.

So yes, I guess I see how WORK is where he now goes to fulfill his need for "dramatic situations" (challenges), and how this could make it harder for him to engage and initiate in any other field (including me).

But like all of you keep pointing out... This does NOT MEAN that I am NOT IMPORTANT :D

I hope I'm getting this correct...


Thank you!!!!