The following link goes to a Christian site.

Usually I do not find myself in agreement with any political position taken by this site.

Thus it is with some surprise that I found myself thinking that this sex based dynamic might really be complicating ADHD existence.

Though presented as a sex based idea in the context anticipated, I choose to apply and understand the idea more broadly... (big surprise with ADHD, eh?)

They draw into question the idea of unconditional love, and unconditional respect.

Though they put this in a marriage relationship, I think there is a certain amount of this that has to do with "just normal people and ADHDers."

That is, I think that having ADHD creates an experience of unreliability for most people that tips the standard balance point of and impeaches unquestioned "respect" for any gender having ADHD, and further complicates relationships.

ADHD children are often found pointing out the "failings of others" trying to see why their own failings are seen as unacceptable while the failings of "normies" seem unconditionally acceptable.

Thus, i don't think this relates only to standard male female roles, but applies to "normies" and "ADHDers" as well. And I certainly don't think it has to do, "Just with Christians" or "just with radical conservatives."

I also found myself fascinated by the struggle the presenter had in "communicating" the idea. His first attempts "fell on deaf ears." He had to reformulate his presentation to actually get the idea across. I think this applies to us with ADHD trying to communicate virtually anything, whether to normies or even among ourselves.

So here are the links. Tell me what you think... It made me cry, with recognition, men, so be prepared. It is also a two part thing, about half an hour each, if I recall properly.

Part I and Part II are listed as the presentations for Dec 11 and 12, 2003.

http://www.oneplace.com/Ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/Archives.asp

Dec 11

Win Media Player

http://boss.streamos.com/wmedia/swn/oneplace/wm/ffd/ffd20031211.wax

RealPlayer

http://boss.streamos.com/real/swn/oneplace/rm/ffd/ffd20031211.ram&

Dec 12

Win Media Player

http://boss.streamos.com/wmedia/swn/oneplace/wm/ffd/ffd20031212.wax

RealPlayer

http://boss.streamos.com/real/swn/oneplace/rm/ffd/ffd20031212.ram


(I have found that the real audio links just die sometimes. The media player links do not... I've only noticed this on this site... www.nasa.gov doesn't seem to have this problem.)

looks like you have to go in through their page, can just jump to the files all the time.

On the left click daily program, then look for Dec 11 & Dec 12.

good luck.

Ill have to pass on this wheel as I dont have the patientce to listen to it

Originally posted by Garry Lawton
Ill have to pass on this wheel as I dont have the patientce to listen to it

i had it going in th ebackground...

maybe I'll psot waht I think he is saying ... though I enjoyed the jokes he told along the way...

I certainly understand "not having the patience"...

See you later!

As a person with ADHD myself.....I accept my partner for who he is and try to understand his mind and where he is coming from. Unconditional love is something that I am capable of and when in love I put my whole heart into it....unfortunatly....the last two relationships ended because they (the "normies") could not either handle my ADHD nor my bipolar....One was stated and I quote, "Why didn't you tell me from the get go that you were Bipolar.....had I known I never would have gotten with you."
The others parting words were"I can't handle dealing with a retard!" The only conclusion I can come to is that the "normies" can't the perplexaties of the ADHD mind and maybe i should stick to looking for men who are like myself with ADHD or Bipolar at least we can both understand what we have to go thru.....Ok I needed to vent now I can breath :D

It takes a special person to deal with special people.

The thing I see going on in the clipps is that unconditional love is not all there is ...

unconditional respect is also needed.

I think lack of understanding and problems with communications make relationships harder. So, they way I look at it, it's not the AD/HD itself but issues related to AD/HD that make it harder.

If people in general had more of an understanding of how the AD/HD mind works I'm sure relationships would be a easier.

Since many people don't know they have AD/HD or understand AD/HD themselves of course it's going to be hard on all invloved.

Originally posted by melanie_cartner
As a person with ADHD myself.....I accept my partner for who he is and try to understand his mind and where he is coming from. Unconditional love is something that I am capable of and when in love I put my whole heart into it....unfortunatly....the last two relationships ended because they (the "normies") could not either handle my ADHD nor my bipolar....One was stated and I quote, "Why didn't you tell me from the get go that you were Bipolar.....had I known I never would have gotten with you."
The others parting words were"I can't handle dealing with a retard!" The only conclusion I can come to is that the "normies" can't the perplexaties of the ADHD mind and maybe i should stick to looking for men who are like myself with ADHD or Bipolar at least we can both understand what we have to go thru.....Ok I needed to vent now I can breath :D

I met a man with juvenile onset diabetes. the average life span is late 30's. He was already 40.

When he told me, he gave me some background information first, then revealed his age, and said "I'm already older than I should be." I instantly felt he was challenging me to choose not to be friends, or get to know him, because, though he was definitely alive, and walking around, he knew his life would be short, and was daring me to get involved and care about him.

I chose to, but it was a stunning moment.

I don't think I would tell an employer, but I might tell someone I was interested in having a long term relationship. It may be a male thing too. I don't know.

the links are, as i understand, dead. To hear this program now requires purchasing a tape or CD.

i was impressed with the message, but from the response here i would not assume that it seemed relevant to many others.

Can someone summarize it for me? LOL

I think it really takes the thirty minutes times two to deliver the message....

The short form is that in "safe" relationships, unconditional (read undeserved) love is a powerful healing and balancing and even motivating force.

The author's contention is that unconditional (read undeserved) respect can function in a similar way. He sees a gender connection.

Saying more really requires replicating his message... which I think he does better than I do.

I voted bogus, but I really believe it applies to everyone. There is, of course, a method to my madness. :-)

Most people equate loving someone with acting in that person's interest even when it is against their own... What if "that person" isn't very nice? What if "that not very nice person" is your adult child? Do you continue to do for them in ways that allow them to work against your own self interest? Hell no! It's called tough love baby! But there is more here than even that.

What if your significant other is abusive, or an alcoholic and not an ADDer? Women and men both find themselves loving people who damage themselves, their families, etc... The fact that what these people do is bad does not mean their spouses, families and friends do not love them. That love is damaging to all concerned and sick and unhealthy if it is allowed to feed the sicknesses involved.

My point is simple. Unconditional love is fine, but one cannot demand specific acts of love. That has to be decided by the one in love. To attempt to force it is to place conditions on it. Contrary to some trite romantic movies of the seventies, love is not what we do. Love is what we feel. We can feel it without conditions. Expressing it without conditions should be reserved for small children and animals. Anyone else you interact with is going to trespass on your interests. Some intentionally, some not. I am not saying be ultra defensive. I am saying if you want unconditional love ladel a little on yourself first, and then look to others. Makes it a little harder to be taken advantage of. Keep your soul, By all means give your heart... Just use your head.

One last thing. Our ADHD may not be our fault but it is, by virtue of residence in our bodies, our responsibility. Wanting love from a spouse is reasonable. Expecting a "norm" to understand, let alone put up with some of our more destructive and disruptive symptoms is hardly fair unless we take that responsibility seriously and actively educate them, and do what is necessary to learn to work around our limitations. Any expectation of positive feedback from them otherwise is a bit like the tooth fairy... Which is to say make believe.

I voted men vs women. I think because women feel it much easier due to things such as having a child and being more nuturing so can experience. We all do with our families. But as for relationship, I'm not sure. I tend to completely trust people and will do anything for someone I'm in love with. I'm unconditional in my emotions. However, it cause great pain if its not returned and I've notice lately (I'm 39) that I'm not so unconditioning in my love.
I have men friends and they only people they are unconditional with is their parents and sometimes siblings.