I am missing someone that for most of my childhood life was a dad to me.

It is the holiday season now and it is beginning to be very hard, I am not here for simpathy just something I felt I need to get off my chest. I don't complain very often around here, and nor do I mean too. As the holidays are approaching it is getting really hard. My tree is standing in the middle of the room, it is one of those ones with hinges and I can't bring myself to decorate it. It might me a general thing, but I find X-mas is never going to be the same now that he is gone. I am taking it so hard I don't know how to get over this hurdle.

I bet anyone around here can relate that lost someone that meant the world to them. I am just so tired, and sad everytime I look at it. A lot of the decorations he gave me. I know he needed to go away but the fact that I am young and I hopefully will live a long life, and never going to see him again makes me really sad.

He was a brother that treated me like a daughter, he was a lot older than me. He lived untill 44 years of age. I am 29. I miss him....

Anyways that is my rant. Maybe that is why I have been depressed, we were the only ones out of our huge family that actually go eachother. and now he is gone.

Thanks for reading my thread.

Like I said it is just one of those things I needed to get off my chest. Even if you don't reply, thanks for reading it. :)
A;

Grade A,

I can truly appreciate your feelings this time of year. Since 2001, The Holidays/Christmas has officially sucked for me, due to the suicide of my best friend on Dec. 22 of that year.

Now, as an ADHD'er, I'm sure you all can appreciate that having a friend of 20 years was an achievement in an of itself. Ironically, he suspected I had ADHD when we first met. (We met in a community theater production when I was in my teens and he was 20) "I know we will be lifelong friends, because you are clearly ADD and I am a shrink's ___ dream, so we will totally get each other!"

How right he was.

Long story short, he was a gay man with HIV. He was diagnosed about 8 years before he died. Being as entrenched as we were in the theater community at the time, and it being the late 80's in Missouri, AIDS was hitting hard and fast in our group of friends. (The movie Longtime Companion is one of the few movies that hits soo close to home I can't bear to watch it anymore) We lost more of our friends at a young age than most should ever have to. But, watching people die from that disease is jarring. When Greg was diagnosed with HIV, he told me if he ever went AIDS, he was going to take his own life before he withered away like so many of our friends had. Knowing what he could be facing, I supported his decision that if he ever needed to, dying with dignity and without suffering was what I wanted from him.

However, his treatments worked for a long time, and his health maintained and our friendship grew. His medications took a strange turn and we had an idea that something was going wrong. I was out of town the night he took his life, and as hard as I thought it was going to be when he died, I ended up wishing it had been that easy. Why the hell he chose three days before Christmas to make that decision I have no idea, but Christmas's since have never been quite so 'jolly' to say the least.

I think, when we have ADHD, our frenzied mental state and constant questioning what sensory input we can trust means that relationships, be they familial, romantic, platonic, whatever, are difficult. We can barely trust ourselves with what we 'know', let alone someone else. The daily frustration that can be our lives wears on us, and can make us difficult to be around.

But, once in a while, we find someone who either 1.) has the patience of Job, 2.) likes us in spite of our ADD quirks, or 3.) is just sent by God, Yahweh, Allah, whichever diety you prefer as your guide to help us along on our way. And, when we lose those types of relationships, I think ADD'er can take it much harder, because those types of people in our lives are so rare to come by, and it's really hard to fill the hole their absences leaves in our lives.

So, my advice would be to not deny your sadness right now. Acknowledge it, and let yourself grieve as you need to. But, I'm sure your brother would not want you to be filled with sadness at his absence, but rather happiness that he was in your life.

Hugs to you right now. And I'm glad you shared your feelings. It really will help.

Thanks for sharing your story with me too. I know I am not alone in the aspect of losing someone, especially with the holidays coming up.

You are right as an ADDer, it is harder because, it is hard enough to get people to understand you, and when some people do and die, it is a hell of a lot harder to move on. He obviously had issues too, but we were very together ya know. We understood eachother, and that is just one less of a person in the world that understands me, and makes it hard.

Thanks a lot for your response. I really appreciate it.

A;

hello agard i total understand were your comeing from there no easy way in this never will be what you both had was something speail an each ofve us has had that at somepoint in so meany ways i feel your pain deeply all you can do is keep the meerrys ofve him close take confute in the fact you both had hat time toghter an never forget him an a way dealing with its is to still use the things he gave you cos he wented you to do that...noting can be said that take awy the pain but just to let you know that you have freinds here who care an you can call apone anytime it greats to hard the pain an we be here 4 you our thoughs are with you at this hardtime as they are with all who are going though this

dorm x

Thanks Dorm, you always say nice things. Thanks for reading my post.

I imagine you were as special to him as he was to you and those memories you will hold of him forever are a tribute to the life he led and the people he touched along the way. I always have the thought that remembering someone at times are those times that something around us gives us a wonderful reminder of them; a season, a song, those memories are stirred in our hearts throughout our lives, allowing us the comfort of a feeling we had once before.
He isn't with you physically and i'm sorry for that, but he is with you in a way that is timeless.

Hi Grade A,
Just want to respond to your post by saying that I am so sorry about your loss. The holidays can be a tough time for many people, sometimes I feel it too. I hope you decorate you tree. The beauty of those ornaments and lights might lift your spirits. Hang in there and if you ever want to talk you can count on me.:)

Ahh how sweet Swede, thanks a bunch. I am doing pretty good now. Just have those moments ya' know. Today I happened to be having one when I was on the forum, that is why I wanted to post it. I know you guys are very supportive, and its really nice to know I have someone(people) to count on. Means a lot (smiles) thanks.

Hey GRade A,

I"m sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

I had a friend who's mother passed away 5 days before christmas when I was 10. I can remember trying to comfort my friends even thoguh at that age I wasn't really sure how to deal with it. The holidays are hard for a lot of people.

I"ve never expierienced the death of someone close to me around the holidays, but I tend to think about the friends I've lost contact with and I miss them so much. It happens every year in that awkward time between THanksgiving and the week before Christmas.

I've found though that being with my family and spending time with the friends I have now helps to ease that pain. Especially when you laugh or play games.


I hope you can find love with the friends and family in your life. And just know that no one can ever take away the time and memories you made with your brother.

(((HUGS))

As the holidays are approaching it is getting really hard. My tree is standing in the middle of the room, it is one of those ones with hinges and I can't bring myself to decorate it. It might me a general thing, but I find X-mas is never going to be the same now that he is gone. I am taking it so hard I don't know how to get over this hurdle.

I have an idea of how you feel.

My emotional roller coaster begin at Thanksgiving and end on New years day.

Thanksgiving 2002 my fiancée was dying of cancer, every one knew this would be the last Thanksgiving they would have with him. His family came from far and wide to see him. We lived in such a small place the various family members had to go in and see him in groups. Each small group spend some time with him in private. Thanks giving day he felt well enough to travel to his mothers house which was much larger so they could all be one big family.

Gene looked so bad at Thanksgiving no one thought he would make it through Christmas. Christmas was almost upon us my daughters had some tragedy in their lives and had to move in with Gene and I. . . some of Gene’s friends get-together and turned our enclosed front porch into a bedroom so the four of us didn't have to share one huge room. . . every thing was going so fast I didn’t even realize it was Christmas until fives days before and only because Gene’s hospice nurse asked about a tree which I didn’t even own. . . she bought a small tree that was perfect for our small place with her won money. . . it was there for a day or so and I got it up but could get around to decorating it. . . I had to run and get pick one of the girls up from school Gene was sleeping when I left when the girls and I returned Gene was up decorating the little tree I have pictures. . .

I do not know how but some church friends found out I had not bought one single present and they brought presents by the truck load. . . Gene had been so sick sense Thanksgiving he needed some one there 24/7 my then 15 year old twins helped until he became too sick they were afraid he was going to die while I was not at home not some thing that should be allowed to happen. . . the day after Christmas the girls were at their fathers Gene and I were alone and I spent six hours trying to get Gene to shut our freezer and sit down . . . he had began becoming slightly confused spacing out time became non-existent. I was soo exhausted I threaten to pick his a** up put him in bed, and tie him in it if he didn’t shut the ^%^&@ freezer door and sit down so I could go to the bathroom . . . ice cream was running down the front of the frig, I had not been able to leave the kitchen even to pee for six hours because he was too unsteady on his feet to be left alone but he shut the door or even sit down holding the door I just need three minutes . . . .When I yelled at him it was like some ting inside him snapped he looked at me with such sadness I had never spoken like this to him I had never threatened him I had been a nurse for 20 years and never threaten any one ever. He did sit down I dozed off to find him on the floor when morning came I had to tell Gene he needed to spend a couple of days at his mom’s and have them care for him because I simply couldn’t do it alone I needed a 48 hour break. . . caring for him was hurting me but I was also afraid I was going to be neglectful or mean again. . .

He went to his mom’s I took 48 hours off , at the end of the 48 hours he wanted to stay longer Hospice had another hospital bed delivered to his mom’s (I had one at our house) Day three I gathered family member and we divvied up I took 12 hours through the night hours His family were morning people they were afraid the would not be able to stay awake I could with out a problem because I had been a night nurse before Gene got so ill for me to work any more. I apologize 1000 times for my bad behavior . . . he assured me he understood. . .

Things are as they should be . . . . and were as the would be.

Gene died January 1st 2003 at 2:45pm! Surrounded by family and friends. The house was full of people visiting telling stories, I sat on one side of his bed , his ex-wife and my good friend Incke was sitting on the other with my best friend standing at the head of the bed. . . I saw his spirit and soul join and leave this physical existence, I felt him as he passed through me. He left parts of himself forever within my being. During my profession as a nurse I had whiteness at least a hundred last breaths, 100 deaths but I never saw the transition like I did with him . . . although none have ever passed through me I now see it in others.

Gene taught me many of the things about the mind, at first I thought he was FOS! He was able to make an internal connection like no one else had even been able to I knew his presence like none other before me so this was a different sort of relationship, we could connect not just hear each others words but see the pictures inside the others head . . .I felt him wondering where I was and could show him by allowing him to see through my eyes . . . some times I was mad at him and did not want to talk to him and he would try to pry. . . four tracks come in handy . . . I can run them simultaneously rapid fire, he could not go where I did not allow, We never spoke of these things . . . I had a hard time believing this was any thing more than my own imagination hard at work here . . . toward the end of his life Gene began speaking of these things out loud, I tried to blow him off. He caught my attention when he began describing what he saw inside my head and how I was able to make him quite by multiple thoughts at once mixing sight sound and reality with fantasy and I knew he was right I could deny the experience no more but I did ‘t understand. Gene said one day I would but that he needed to speak of this using words, he needed me to realize just how real it so he assured me this would happen again it was my destiny . . . . . .March 2006 proved him to be right on target. Yea I wish he were still here and I do miss him but I also know if he knew that this knowledge was going to be necessary in my future (being correct was a rather long shot according to math logic and rrreality) there was only way he could have known and that was to be there . . . he was in my future before I was When my brain begin having a mind of it’s own my life became peppered in this alternate journey of the mind beginning in some rather unexpected places Gene was there (or here). Had Gene not spoken of these things where my physical ears heard and my conscious mind knew then I would never would believe such things were possible.

He was a very special man. . . once together the time is forever. . in this realm we can not go back in time except in our own mind nor can the time we had together be erased . . .it is always ours. . .part of the heart and soul of me the behind meadd823 the meta-minded aspect perhaps .

I remember him every day I live and breathe but the strong emotional time for me begins Thanksgiving day and end Jan 1st at 2:45pm. I tried to decorate the tree the first year after he was gone but it wasn’t the same and I have not decorated a tree or set up decorations scene. . . so yea I understand . . . first hand in my own unusual unique way. . .


Very timely threat Grade A, thank you . My response long and thanks for reading. . . I know I am strange . . . that is okay I am used to it . . . .I have learned to accept this.

I know how you feel, I too miss a few that were very important people in my life this time of the year. ((((hugs)))

Thanks Meadd for your post, I read it through, had to take a break of course. Thank you for sharing your story.

Fasttalkingmom, thank you too for acknowleging my thread and my feelings.

Grade A -- loss is so tremendously difficult especially during the holidays. There are no easy answers but time and loving support can help make the grieving (http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html) process easier. My heart is with you.

kcbradygirl -- what a touching story. It's so hard to find connections in this busy, fragmented, cold, judgmental world. We reach out to others only to get burned. Then you find someone who lights up your live, someone who understands, maybe not in words, but in a glance, a touch, a gesture. So rare an encounter. (BTW, I agree with death with dignity.)

meadd823 -- And meadd! You're killing me here. How touching and close to home your story is. It's so hard caring for a loved on who's sick.

My mother passed away at the age of 55 of metastatic breast cancer on September 11, 2002.

My mother personified Christmas, she went all out. Baking, cooking, decorating. I didn't know it at the time but as a kid we didn't have a lot of money. Christmas was a big, festive, family affair and despite their limited resources they pulled out all the stops. My mother loved the holidays.

In the late 1990s my father lost his job and could not find other suitable work. He started to drink. They lost their house and I moved them into my small one bedroom apartment for a "couple of months." (Getting my father out of trouble would plague me for several more years -- another thread, another time.) I moved out a little over a year later.

My mother, who loved house and home, was devastated by the loss and quite understandably went into depression. That Christmas I switched rolls with her and went out and bought decorations and tried to make it easier for her. It never got easier.

A couple of years later she started feeling ill and was eventually diagnosed. She went through treatment and my father and I care for her. I'd come over nearly every day and make her lunch and visit. She was so heroic despite her despair.

She loved family but they were a pain. Her sister would visit occassionally (lives in the same city but at a distance) because it "was too far" or "too hard." My sister, who has her own family, lives a good distance, but she too didn't deal with my mom's illness well. So most of the caretaking fell primarily on my father and then on me. And I was stuck bailing my father out of financial mishaps on top of it all.

That September, 2002 was difficult. My wife was in Italy (long planned trip), hospice was called (I didn't realize what that meant), part of me wanted her to die already so exhausted I'd become. I remember watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon with her that Labor Day. She was pretty alert considering. Then my sister's birthday came on the 6th. Five days later she died. We buried her on the 13th. It made my birthday the next day a little sedate.

Christmas and the holidays haven't been the same. I do miss her...