i'm too massively disorganized and socially inept to remember to ever say the right things or articulate thigns properly when it actually matters, at appointments and such. i keep getting absolute crap. doctor won't deal with me, refers me to mental health. mental health services is garbage, lady asks vague questions that clearly aren't important, that i can't make sense of, try my best, she gets witchy , then has the nerve to tell me i'm too vague, probably exaggerrating, sounds likes normal to her, etc, and won't refer me.
i'm in tears way to often. i HATE LIVING i screw absolutely everything up, i am wasting so much money in school. School counsellor is too underqualified to refer me. says she'll write a letter to the doctor. same doctor who will just tell me to go to mental health. so i could see another doctor.... I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MYSELF ORGANIZED ENOUG TO MEET HALF OF THESE APPOINTMENTS I can't stand the anxiety and stress of keeping things under control, my life has been one nervous breakdown after another, I'm surrounded by extremely happy annoying closed minded people who sit around and minimize everything and give me standard bullsh## lines that people who know nothing come up with. I can't stand the idea of more and more appointments, i get tortured enough knowing i have one coming up, dreading what failure to achieve results will come next. It just keeps happening. My mom just tells me i've never had self-control my whole life. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN.. maybe a sign of a problem? she never clued in, too scattered herself. I tell her i am losing it, i think there's a problem and oh my god i'm a raging hypochondriac all of a sudden. i've tried so freaking hard, i've tried to go through, just think you are completely normal and focus every bit of my being on doing stuff just barely minimally normally/properly. I have gone through everything trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Psych teacher handed out this actuall adult ADD/ADHD test for us to play with in psychometric class cuz he does that with random tests for us to learn how they work, I score very very badly on this, so that's a clue. Makes sense with childhood too.
I can't get anywhere...can't get through to anybody and i am ****ed off and desperate beyond words i am going to drop out of school and no way can i handle a job right now, i'll be living off people or a bum which is absurd. i swear i'm going to end up committed and i can't for the life of me understand why it has to be this way considering alll the briiliant amazing expertise and crap out there, but i don't have a clue where to turn to next and i just had a serious freakout and i'm about to lose everything because i just can't cope. i even want to break up with my boyfriend because i'm sick of the garbage i put him through, thorougly embarrassed with the bouts of stupidity i can't control. have no good friends because i am constantly awkward and say rude things that were meant to be friendly comments, jokes, some attempt at being social, I just don't catch on to reality, the way things work, the world. there's no way i can make it here. i just want to smash the hell out of everything around me right now and dissolve into insanity because maybe that would be a nice vacation. I am so dead freaking serious i can't even put it into words i just want out of this trash.

Hang in there! I know the system sucks, I work for it, but give it some time. When someone asks you a question, chances are there's a good reason. It may not make sense to you but there is an end point. Questions that seem really strange to you may give the person asking the question a lot of insight into your situation. Like for instance if someone asked you at 11:00 am the question "what did you have for breakfast?" could yield a response "I don't remember" (poor short term memory), "eggs and toast" (normal memory skills) or "I don't eat breakfast" (poor nutritional choices, could mean a number of things, but mostly normal!).

You said you hate living, this worries me. Contact the mental health office in your area, they should have trained individuals to assist in crisis intervention 24/7. You can talk to someone and remain annoymous. Sometimes having a live person to talk to is a help. If you are having suicidal thoughts GO TO THE NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM. It's not the answer. And it almost never happens the first attempt. I have seen a few individuals who thought they could overdose on pills and ended up living and having kidney/liver problems. Or try and hand themselves and end up paralized. Then what kind of life would you have? Always remember you are worth something. Even though you may lose sight of it from time to time. We all have a purpose. Stick around. You may be able to help someone on here or yourself.

There is hope! I am a mess with organization, forget almost eveything, and miss appointments all the time! And I am a professional! It happens, but rather than beat yourself up about it, think of ways that may help you. Research organizational tools online. Get a PDA for reminders and appointments.

I sure hope your day looks up. Please, if you feel that you may take your life, CALL SOMEONE. Call an ambulance if you have to! Just get help!

msam is spot-on.

Please find a health clinic or Emergency Room ASAP if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, or others. Or even breaking the furniture in your room.

An ER doctor, at least here in the states, will arrange immediate help for those having desperate thoughts. Not sure how your system works in Cananda, but I would hope the same holds true there. Get help, friend. It works!

I was diagnosed at 40, after a lifetime of disorganization and frustration. Most, if not all, of those contributing here have issues, and will give you support and tips.

But any diagnosis or medical advice should come from a doctor. Don't let the hassle of socialized medicine deter you. Go to the ER and ask for a doctor. You will get help.

Good luck.

Oh hun!!!! (you know, we really need a hugging emoticon here!)
Your anger and frustration really comes through! And who can blame you!!! I've had the same thing with shrinks....never listening, never giving me the space to even ATTEMPT to express myself, making all kinds of judgments and assumptions and basically not bothering to do their job!
I was in a similar place to you about a year ago, although i hadn't quite found out that i have ADD, but i was suicidal because i just couldn't work out why i had been so "defective" my whole life. I felt totally hopeless.
You know, i don't feel quite like that nowdays. I do feel awful, but i made a point of learning as much as i could about AD/HD as possible and reading other peoples experiences and that helped me to the most important step....i accepted myself. I stopped battering myself and stopped allowing others to batter me.
I realised that it wasn't all my fault, that i wasn't some lazy awful person, and i also realised that actually, there ARE positive angles to look at AD/HD from.

It's ok to be angry, going through life into adulthood not knowing you have this can be really traumatic. And we have been let down. I've been officially told by my local health authority that they wont fund ANY treatment for ADHD.

I dont exactly know what my point is.....but you are not alone, and now you have an idea what goes on with you, you can learn and get support (from places like this forum)

Hang in there hun....and a big hug to you!!

Thanks for replies.. I'm just getting extremely extremely angry.
I'm not suicidal, i just hate living. Can't that make sense? I have no interest in my future if it's going to be like this, but I'm not going to take it upon myself to kill myself. So don't worry.
Anyways...unless I'm hyperventilating or actually suicidal, they're going to be rude with me in the emergency room. Agh..maybe someday. I am gooing to try going in a different town than the ones i've been to before. i mean to mental health building or docs or something. If nothing gets done i will probably go insane and ....wish me a happy vacation.

i'm in tears way to often. i HATE LIVING i screw absolutely everything up.
Aphionis,

Sorry you are having such a tough time of it. It would be nice if you had some kind of advocate, a teacher, counselor, Mom, but it sounds like you don't.

Take a list of symptoms or the psych test you took that indicated ADHD to your doctor. Or get a referral for a Doctor who treats ADHD. School counselors are a good way to get a name. Even grade school or high school counselors.

I had a really horrible period in my life when I was in tears all the time, couldn't sleep etc. My doctor put me on zoloft and the next day i stopped the crying and got a good night's sleep. So treat the depression first, is my recommendation.

Good luck. You will get through this! :rolleyes:

Oh my god...
I had to send off a package to my boyfriend today, and not too long ago i felt out of nowhere that I should write down everything in my head that was bothering me and all my goofy insights related to them and everything that made me mad, and depressed and basically getting stuff out of my head and on to paper, and who knows what.... The thing is, I normally write in a journal, but for some reason I felt I HAD to have these silly q-cards from a book store, and since I had no idea what for, did my journalling on them. Well I had piled all my writing/mailing supplies on the living room floor getting this package ready, and I'd thrown the cards into the one box of stickers and stuff I guess....I thought I cleaned everything up before I left, but I came home and the envelope that my bf had sent his last thing to me in was propped up on the christmas tree and precisely the q-cards that I had my journalling on, of all things, was just sitting there underneath. The envelope was in the pile with the rest of my stuff, so whoever found it and put it on the tree (and why??i do not know), of my four housemates....somebody surely read the stupid cards. And they are the same people who think i'm bogus drama queen or something. Not like they are going to do anything good or 'intervention' like for me. They're too mediocre and happy to take anything seriously, the easiest step would be to ridicule. So stuff like that, that goes into more private stuff, it just infuriates me that they would get to see it all. I ripped them up and didn't even read them to see how much of the stuff was left there, because if i re-read them I'll realize how much I actually have there to get embarrassed about. This way I am only worried about the little I REMEMBER writing on the cards, which is much less than is actually there.
I don't know why I even care at this point....they're not going to come out and say stuff to me about it. I'm not entirely sure why its making me so mad.
This is classic.....seriously....obvious lack of attention to detail. I made a point of cleaning up all my materials, or so i thought... how could I miss something like THAT out of everything ....ridiculous. So this is what I came home to discover...almost funny really. Yep. ADD. Charming. Anyways I'm not even certain why I'm adding this to this thread. Really not relevant. Just a rant.
Bye.

Thanks for replies.. I'm just getting extremely extremely angry.
I'm not suicidal, i just hate living. Can't that make sense? I have no interest in my future if it's going to be like this, but I'm not going to take it upon myself to kill myself.

Well this is certainly good ending your life is a permeate solution to a temporary problem . . before misunderstand this as my dismissing your feeling please understand the only consistency is inconsistency. Perspective and situation do change. As mentioned by some one in one of these threads often the attempt to end ones life fails and only to leave that individual worse off than before the attempt. I have taken care of people who are little more than vegetables due to failed attempts. . . so as bad as things for you now doing some thing drastic can make them much worse . . . .

I am sorry you are angry. Although I do not understand much of the extreme in emotions I do know it is very real to you. I have a daughter that is very emotional like this and people react to her in much the same way you describe. Her problems are not only real and serious but she has more than ADD to cope with which is why her emotions are so extreme. . . she too is often called a drama queen. . . she feels I am dismissing her when in reality I am simply at a loss . . . she will get all wound up and become very angry . . . I listen to her but in reality exactly what am I supposed to do to change her emotions? I simply try to listen and accept this as how she feels at the time. I am doing the same right now.

Becoming older is seen as a dreadful thing because of wrinkles and all however youth is no picnic either. I would like a twenty year old body but as far as I am concerned they can keep the twenty year old mind . . . The teen and early years of adulthood are frustrating and feeling lost and confused is all to common. I understand the frustration comes about because this is when we are trying to figure out some important things about who we are and what we want to be. . . No one can make these decision for you . . . No one can change your emotions or your out look. . . as you can see many have felt the same way.

My post isn’t meant to lack compassion, if I could I would reach out and make you a happy person however no one can make you a happy this has to come from with in side of you. . . I am probably close to the age of your parents and life does look different as one matures.

The medical frustrating thing I can more closely relate to so I will try to be useful in this area.


The only source I have in Canada (http://www.addaq.ca/montreal.html)

(Always looking for more sources from other countries so if any respondents know of ADD health care provider directories especially in countries outside the US, please PM them and I will post in the diagnosis section for other members.)

Heh...okay. Thanks. No, i know nobody can actually make me happy, but what does bug me is when the girls I live with and my friends have absolutely no concern or interest in understanding. And then they CLAIM to understand and go on about their 'troubles' and try and compare. ANd then do/say things that indicate they clearly haven't got a clue. Thats when I get fed up. For instance, I started hyperventilating during one of my 'breakdown's" this one night and couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I tried and even tho I had lost all capacity for emotion that day, like i was having neutral things going through my head, if not seriously psychotic, odd associations and stuff that was totally irrelevant. But I had lost it. And I have a quite severe problem with my neck and also get extreme tension headaches, and when I cry that much the tension in my body triggers them worse than ever, so at one point when I kind of caught my breath I asked my one friend to take me to the hospital because i couldn't tolerate the pain stabbing through my head and upper body anymore. I really knew I should have told the doc I was having a really weird breakdown, at the hospital, but I was afraid that if they thought I was unstable they wouldn't give me meds for the pain (and i mean strong enough to be effective, usually opiates are all that would work) and at that moment i was more desperate for the pain to go away because at least I could escape through sleep (and I hadn't had sleep in awhile because of the agitation i was experiencing, I am talking, two, three nights by then). Anyways, this one friend knew that the pain was not the only thing going on, I'd explained it to her when she asked. And so we were driving to the hospital and I kept starting to hyperventilate/panic attack even tho i usually don't get that far, and definately not around people when i can help it, and still couldn't stop crying and she was like "Oh I'm sorry hun, etc etc, and then " I had a night just like this last night" Ahem. Every time I have nights like this I am too messed up to be as chirpy and amazingly functional as she ALWAYS is, especially the next day. And then she went on like "oh i understnad, I am like sooo messed up, blah blah"
And I was like, "Okay..I'm glad I have at least one pal who goes through the same stuff... I really just need to get the pain taken care of and get back ...docs make me really nervous, i think that might be why I'm hyperventilating tonight because I normally don't, so please hurry. ANd thennn....
SHE STOPPED AT TIM HORTONS TO CHAT WITH HER HUSBAND AND GET HER SUPPER. And she took her time too. Then she continued to ramble on about OMG I'm so LIKE YOU, I get this all the time, its so bad, you poor girl, etc etc.
I'm sorry but if you actually understand ANYTHING you don't pull crap like that. It was the only time I've actually gotten to the hyperventilating stage that she's EVER seen me having, it wasn't like a two year old doing it on purpose to get his way or some usual event.
Anyways, stuff like that....
And the magical thing is...the only time during this spell that I did start to feel better was when I could talk to my bf (we're long distance for now) He's been through a lot of hell with mental problems. And all he did was listen, and could tell me he understood and I could actually believe him. I just needed to be listened to for a bit, honestly, and not LIED TO and then treated like low priority. Anyways...its just been experiences like these that have been making me feel even more isolated. I really wish my boyfriend could move out. He helps more than he knows.

I'm sorry to here that life is giving you "shi#" these days. I won't say that I've been there (out of respect for your unique situation), but I believe that I can understand your feelings of isolation and of not really having anyone that gives a hoot about you available to you like you need them to be.

I can't remember - do you see a counselor or therapist or anyone else whose job it is to listen and help? I have been seeing one for a good year now (EVERY WEEK too) - and even though I was skeptical, it IS helping (slowly, but surely). The reason I even bothered to see one, being that I was so skeptical and cynical, is that I have 2 children who need a healthy mother.

For the most part, having kids has taken my focus away from myself quite a bit (naturally - it's kind of hard NOT to lose yourself with KIDDOS) - which has been a VERY GOOD THING for me. (Not that I'm recommending getting pregnant as a treatment! :D THAT brings a whole other set of "freak-outs" heartaches and ailments of its own!!!)

Do you have any hobbies or artistic interests? Do you like music? Painting? Taking pictures? You sound like the kind of sensitive soul who would do something amazing using one (or more) of the arts as your outlet.

How is school going? (Did you say you were in college??? I'm sorry if I'm getting that wrong.) I went to college not until I was 29. At that point in my life, being a single mom, etc. - I was finally READY to FOCUS and give it my all. It was a very transforming experience for me. I'm hoping to take a class again within a year - I'm thinking maybe a photography or Video class. I need a creative outlet myself.

Please try to find someone like a counselor if you can. You really deserve to be taken care of, and right now it looks like YOU may have to get that all started for yourself. Please look into this. You are SO WORTH IT!

Sincerely,
Sue

P.S. Sometime, if you ever get the chance and feel up to it (even if it's just ONCE and for a SHORT TIME) - volunteer to visit someone who is lonely, elderly, poor . . . unfortunate in some way. It feels really hard to do when one is depressed (I know) - but if you can even do it for 1/2 hr. it can do wonders for someone else as well as YOU (or me).

Yep I see a counsellor. Its is turning out useless. Part of it is that she's had a lot of bad things happen recently, and I think she is not fit for the job right now, but she's the only one I could find without going into having to make really complicated arrangements..I'm in a small area with no car...busy friends.
I made the hour long walk into town when I had really cracked, desperate to do something, to the mental health centre. The counsellor there won't refer me. I explained that above. (i think)..but I've heard of her doing this with several other people, it's ridiculous, one of them is a girl I know who nobody can deny really badly needs a psychiatrist. My doc wouldn't even refer me, just told me to go to mental health. :) Go figure. Anyways. It took a lot of effort doing even this much considering how exhausted I felt. LIke my brain wants to die, or breath and vegetate
Anyways. I get what you're saying about doing hobbies and about going to help the unfortunate and stuff. I grew up basically doing that stuff. It just gets harder and harder to get out and stay involved when I'm trying desperately to keep school, just the basics even, under control. I know quitting/stopping is not the answer, dealing with the problem is, but that has not worked yet. I believe someday it will...just seems absurd how things have progressed so I fret about it. Badly.
And I know that it is good to do things like visit people who are less fortunate and stuff like that, good to get the mind of one's self once in awhile. I know it works, I know from experience. But i just wanted to say....I am a person who grew up with this complex that everyone else was more important than me somehow. I had trouble acknowledging and dealing with my own needs, save for a handful of feeble attempts that were ignored or thrashed entirely and only now am I realizing that is not right. I may sound selfish and whiney on this forum, but honestly everything has built up for too long and frankly, I think its about bloody time I am concerned for myself intently at least until something finaly snaps into place, til i finally get up the energy, time and determination to try again with these 'professionals'.
As for the friends (whose rather mediocre complaints I have always listened to and tried to be compassionate)..I don't expect anything of them. I just had to rant about it, get it off my chest really. And at least people here, probably can say they understand and aren't lying. Which is nice.
I'm not nearly as furious and confused as I was when I made my first post, I just needed to rant and rave in a good place or something. I don't want people to keep seeing this post and thinking I am demanding answers to my problems or anything like that, I just want to mention. I'm okay, I'll be okay, i just get exhausted with history repeating itself or something.

Counselors have never really helped with me, either. God knows they try. I tell them specifically what I need help with, and they have no idea what to do. (Basically, I take everything personally and am *very* oversensitive.) So I've read a lot of books (Eastern spirituality helps occasionally) and have basically tried to be nice to myself. It works sometimes. Also the Zoloft keeps me out of the ditch most of the time.

So I don't know. Stuff is hard.

Seems that you are having a lot of things going on at once and that would make anyone feel overwhelmed. I read your posts and I notice a common thread that stands out. You seem to be disappointed and/or angry with others, because they don't necessarily provide you with the type of help you need. Have you considered that they may not realize what it is that would help? I would also distinguish between help and placate, because placating, which may meet an immediate need, is a short term way to address a problem and does not help you resolve it.
The healthcare system there is a bit different, and I realize that it takes a lot of patience among other things to make changes (ie: change from counselor to a different professional), but it may be worth the effort to try.
You have an excellent amount of insight in regards to what has happened to you in the past that may have contributed to your present situation. Unfortunately, we can't do anything to change what has happened and we can only build on our own strengths to change what we can, the present. I will suggest that you ask yourself..

"Do I have a past, or does my past have me?"


Yep I see a counsellor. Its is turning out useless. Part of it is that she's had a lot of bad things happen recently, and I think she is not fit for the job right now, but she's the only one I could find without going into having to make really complicated arrangements..I'm in a small area with no car...busy friends.
I made the hour long walk into town when I had really cracked, desperate to do something, to the mental health centre. The counsellor there won't refer me. I explained that above. (i think)..but I've heard of her doing this with several other people, it's ridiculous, one of them is a girl I know who nobody can deny really badly needs a psychiatrist. My doc wouldn't even refer me, just told me to go to mental health. :) Go figure. Anyways. It took a lot of effort doing even this much considering how exhausted I felt. LIke my brain wants to die, or breath and vegetate
Anyways. I get what you're saying about doing hobbies and about going to help the unfortunate and stuff. I grew up basically doing that stuff. It just gets harder and harder to get out and stay involved when I'm trying desperately to keep school, just the basics even, under control. I know quitting/stopping is not the answer, dealing with the problem is, but that has not worked yet. I believe someday it will...just seems absurd how things have progressed so I fret about it. Badly.
And I know that it is good to do things like visit people who are less fortunate and stuff like that, good to get the mind of one's self once in awhile. I know it works, I know from experience. But i just wanted to say....I am a person who grew up with this complex that everyone else was more important than me somehow. I had trouble acknowledging and dealing with my own needs, save for a handful of feeble attempts that were ignored or thrashed entirely and only now am I realizing that is not right. I may sound selfish and whiney on this forum, but honestly everything has built up for too long and frankly, I think its about bloody time I am concerned for myself intently at least until something finaly snaps into place, til i finally get up the energy, time and determination to try again with these 'professionals'.
As for the friends (whose rather mediocre complaints I have always listened to and tried to be compassionate)..I don't expect anything of them. I just had to rant about it, get it off my chest really. And at least people here, probably can say they understand and aren't lying. Which is nice.
I'm not nearly as furious and confused as I was when I made my first post, I just needed to rant and rave in a good place or something. I don't want people to keep seeing this post and thinking I am demanding answers to my problems or anything like that, I just want to mention. I'm okay, I'll be okay, i just get exhausted with history repeating itself or something.

I feel almost exactly like you aphionis and am in a similar situation. Hang in there.

Anger and hating life, lack of support, no energy to do things you love, forgetting if you did something or not. DEPRESSION, I have been to the dark side. I hear the familiar whirlpool of despair in your posts. No, you don't have to be suicidal. Ideation-thinking it would be nice to die or let yourself go insane are big huge billboards, not signs, of depression. Please get to the ER, I wish you had someone to go with you who understood, tell them you are close to the edge and really don't want to go on. If they are human and medically trained, they will take care of you and get you the help you need.

I do like the idea of going to a different city, a bigger medical facility would be a great idea! A fresh perspective and people with more mental health experience on a daily basis would really be good for you.

Take care, I know you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is there, you will see it, but you need the right kind of help. Please get it now. I am so sorry you are getting such poor medical treatment. Do whatever it takes to get to a better hospital. Please, you are too valuable to give up on life.

RADD

As I am not in the midst of a freakout/breakdown at this moment, I would have to say I do see hope. Really...I just question too often if its realistic considering how things have gone so far. But I think it will happen eventually...i mean it should...i just had some bad luck or did something wrong.
I am feeling better thinking about going to this other city for the christmas break and taking care of things there. I will be closer to everything, I am familiar with the place...I will be comfortable there in several ways in general, and hopefully that will help me keep focused and I really hope this is going to be it, finally, something can be done. I want to be treated. I dread going into the new semester without something changed. I hope maybe I can do something different..like if I'm exhausted then typically I can't seem to organize my thoughts and express the urgency or a realistic picture to a counsellor of what I want to get help for. Maybe I can plan ahead or something, what to say, what to make sure I let them know and stuff....I really want them to get the picture and get the treatment I need. I'll be in a safe familiar place, I'll be on a break from school, this has got to be the perfect opportunity. I really need to start having a life again, and i don't have a huge amount of time, but I'm going to work my butt off while I'm there.
Anyways,thanks for the input, the understanding folks.
G'night for now.

Maybe I can plan ahead or something, what to say, what to make sure I let them know and stuff....I really want them to get the picture and get the treatment I need.

Ever consider printing out your post in this thread. . . the stuff you wrote about how you feel. . . perhaps your own post to us will be able to speak at the necessary time when you maybe verbally less able to. . . . just an idea. . .

Aphionis -

{{{{{{ BIG HUGS}}}}}}

I believe that I really do know how absolutely CRAPPY it feels when you finally DO consider YOUR NEEDS for once - and then, doing all the things you KNOW to do - things that any intelligent person would advise you to do - to meet those needs, then having NONE OF IT work out for some reason. Whether it's the therapist who's having some kind of life crisis - and/or those "friends" that just adore us who suddenly become busy or go through some kinda change when YOU could use a hand, etc. PLUS - growing up in an environment in which you, THE CHILD, are expected to meet the needs of the ADULTS!?? IT REALLY IS MADDENING and saddening!!! I don't blame you one bit for being ****ED!

(And I don't blame you for not wanting to "help the less fortunate." ;) I can REALLY APPRECIATE not finding that advice very helpful.)

Love,
Sue

P.S. If you ever want to private message me - I have enormously HUMONGOUS EARS for listening to vents! :D

It sounds like you are feeling really emotionally overwhelmed. (For many valid reasons.)

Sometimes "Mindfulness" training can help.

Some health (mental health; relaxation; holistic centres; hospitals) offer this training.

To all of you: thanks for reminding me of why I come to this place.

You've all said something thoughtful/helpful/important, thanks a lot.
I leave in 7 days, then I will be in a place with a new set of resources and this time around, unless magical forces have cursed me and follow me wherever i go :p I can't imagine it all going down the tubes some more. haha...
Yeh. Take care everyone.