charonshanti
11-30-06, 10:05 PM
Phew. Finally got a moment to post this, in thanks for all who have spoken up to educate me about ADD/non-ADD communication.
The CHADD magazine from April 2006 had a great article on ADD and marriage, hopefully others will find this as enlightening as I found it. It started with a few vignettes and explanation of which executive function deficiency was interfering with communication.
First, the husband that talks endlessly about his hunting trip to the friends joining them for dinner, despite obvious cues that his audience has heard enough. His wife finally kicks him under the table to draw his attention and get him to stop talking. Function deficit: "Focusing, sustaining, and shifting attention to tasks." He was hyper-focused on his own speech and did not shift enough attention to his audience to note their reactions; it took a strong cue to get his attention.
Another situation in which the husband forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, impulsively stops in a computer store and buys $300 in software, and later yells at his wife when she asks if he got the dry cleaning. Function deficit: 'monitoring and self-regulating action' for the impulsive purchase, and serious deficit in 'managing frustration and modulating emotions' when he yells at his wife.
Just realized both of these target the husband, there were other scenarios in which the wife or both had ADD. Other functions discussed were deficits in 'organizing, prioritizing, and activating' and 'difficulty utilizing working memory and accessing recall.' These are from Dr. Brown's model of executive function deficiencies from Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind. The article makes the point that poor operation of an executive function sets the stage for either a deficit in appropriate behavior (cleaning the house, listening to a spouse) or an excess in an inappropriate behavior (yelling criticisms, too much talking.)
The article suggests that couples need to accept that the spouse with AD/HD will inevitably make blunders and that the couple has to accept such neurobiologically-based "AD/HD moments" and move on to repair rather than blaming.... but it also makes the point that 'the spouse with AD/HD must take responsibility for his/her inappropriate actions and show thru future actions, not simply promises, rectification of the situation.'
Another major point: medication needs to be active in the body of the partner with AD/HD at a clinically effective dose during important interaction times. You'd think that should be obvious, but so often meds are targeted toward work time outside the home. The article suggested that the couple establish realistic target behaviors that they want the medication to change, including listening without interrupting, finishing chores without distraction, discharging anger in an appropriate manner, consistently disciplining children... and then log the occurence of those behaviors so the medication and dose can be fine-tuned.
I really like the CHADD magazine, better than I expected to. Lots of good practical stuff for adults or families dealing with ADD, and really readable. The great thing about it is if your spouse has ADD and won't read anything about it, you can claim it's to help the kid (if you have one with ADD) and leave it laying around. Sneaky, but possibly effective.:cool:
So, Mrs. A... anything familiar? I recognized the hyperfocus situation, which leads to hearing only in reference to one's own thoughts. Add small 'blinks' of inattention, unnoticed by either party but leaving gaping holes in the information flow, and it all adds up to a crisis. :eyebrow: I knew about hyperfocus but I never thought about being able to hyperfocus while appearing to interact.
I was thinking there's also a possible 'meltdown' factor when the brain gets too much stimulation going or trying to express thoughts that crowd in and can't readily be reasoned or put into words. Part of why taking the time to write a letter might work better in emotional situations for some couples.
The CHADD magazine from April 2006 had a great article on ADD and marriage, hopefully others will find this as enlightening as I found it. It started with a few vignettes and explanation of which executive function deficiency was interfering with communication.
First, the husband that talks endlessly about his hunting trip to the friends joining them for dinner, despite obvious cues that his audience has heard enough. His wife finally kicks him under the table to draw his attention and get him to stop talking. Function deficit: "Focusing, sustaining, and shifting attention to tasks." He was hyper-focused on his own speech and did not shift enough attention to his audience to note their reactions; it took a strong cue to get his attention.
Another situation in which the husband forgets to pick up the dry cleaning, impulsively stops in a computer store and buys $300 in software, and later yells at his wife when she asks if he got the dry cleaning. Function deficit: 'monitoring and self-regulating action' for the impulsive purchase, and serious deficit in 'managing frustration and modulating emotions' when he yells at his wife.
Just realized both of these target the husband, there were other scenarios in which the wife or both had ADD. Other functions discussed were deficits in 'organizing, prioritizing, and activating' and 'difficulty utilizing working memory and accessing recall.' These are from Dr. Brown's model of executive function deficiencies from Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind. The article makes the point that poor operation of an executive function sets the stage for either a deficit in appropriate behavior (cleaning the house, listening to a spouse) or an excess in an inappropriate behavior (yelling criticisms, too much talking.)
The article suggests that couples need to accept that the spouse with AD/HD will inevitably make blunders and that the couple has to accept such neurobiologically-based "AD/HD moments" and move on to repair rather than blaming.... but it also makes the point that 'the spouse with AD/HD must take responsibility for his/her inappropriate actions and show thru future actions, not simply promises, rectification of the situation.'
Another major point: medication needs to be active in the body of the partner with AD/HD at a clinically effective dose during important interaction times. You'd think that should be obvious, but so often meds are targeted toward work time outside the home. The article suggested that the couple establish realistic target behaviors that they want the medication to change, including listening without interrupting, finishing chores without distraction, discharging anger in an appropriate manner, consistently disciplining children... and then log the occurence of those behaviors so the medication and dose can be fine-tuned.
I really like the CHADD magazine, better than I expected to. Lots of good practical stuff for adults or families dealing with ADD, and really readable. The great thing about it is if your spouse has ADD and won't read anything about it, you can claim it's to help the kid (if you have one with ADD) and leave it laying around. Sneaky, but possibly effective.:cool:
So, Mrs. A... anything familiar? I recognized the hyperfocus situation, which leads to hearing only in reference to one's own thoughts. Add small 'blinks' of inattention, unnoticed by either party but leaving gaping holes in the information flow, and it all adds up to a crisis. :eyebrow: I knew about hyperfocus but I never thought about being able to hyperfocus while appearing to interact.
I was thinking there's also a possible 'meltdown' factor when the brain gets too much stimulation going or trying to express thoughts that crowd in and can't readily be reasoned or put into words. Part of why taking the time to write a letter might work better in emotional situations for some couples.