Hi, I'm new to this forum. I'm hoping I can get some help. My son and his family moved in with me a few months ago after losing their house. I've known my dtr-in-law for 20 years. She always struck me as a poised and confident person. The only thing that I noticed in the past was that sometimes I didn't know what she was talking about when we would get into a conversation. I couldn't keep track of what she was saying.

When they moved in, everything turned into chaos. She never cleaned anything. She would leave food and spills on the counters, and dishes and glasses piled up in the sink. I cleaned the kitchen and half bath every night.

She also broke every rule we agreed on. I told them that none of the kids' friends were to be at the pool without an adult, nor should friends be in the house when no adult was home. Both things happened within a week. I could go on, but will keep it short by saying that many such things went on...things that I considered a danger and could leave me open to a lawsuit.

After a couple of months, my son told me that he thinks she may have ADD. I didn't know anything about ADD and researched a bit on the 'net. A lot of things seemed to fit. In the meantime, my son has done his best to keep the house in order....after I complained to him. He and the kids wait until she leave the room, then get going cleaning up after themselves.

What I'd like to know is what options they have to get help with this. Is there any treatment or meds specifically for ADD? Also, I wonder how I should deal with it. Should I just go along with whatever she does or says because it's something she can't control?

Hi There.

I'm a 27 year old ADHD woman and I do see things from the Non-ADDer's point as best I can.

There are a few things you could do to understand the condition and it's affects more, firstly you could try to talk to her and ask her direct questions as to how the ADD affects her, secondly you could always read books on ADD/ADHD as well as leaflets etc, thirdly even if you go alone it might be a great idea to go along to a monthly/weekly support group for ADD/ADHD sufferers and that way you can hear other stories and share view points and see if that helps your family.

A lot of her behaviour and mannerisms do sound like ADD and YES there is treatment, conventional medications such as Ritalin, Dexamphetamines, Strattera etc etc as well as Alternative Therapies such as Naturopathy, Homoepathy, Kinesiology, Dore Program and so much more, it's basically all about getting the therapy or treament that's RIGHT for her and SHE has to fully want to cooperate and get help which is really easy if she has the right support without judgement or criticism and there's also support for your son and yourself as well.

I hope whatever happens goes well and you along with your son and daughter in law will find this forum useful as well.

Good luck and take care
Selena:) Hi, I'm new to this forum. I'm hoping I can get some help. My son and his family moved in with me a few months ago after losing their house. I've known my dtr-in-law for 20 years. She always struck me as a poised and confident person. The only thing that I noticed in the past was that sometimes I didn't know what she was talking about when we would get into a conversation. I couldn't keep track of what she was saying.

When they moved in, everything turned into chaos. She never cleaned anything. She would leave food and spills on the counters, and dishes and glasses piled up in the sink. I cleaned the kitchen and half bath every night.

She also broke every rule we agreed on. I told them that none of the kids' friends were to be at the pool without an adult, nor should friends be in the house when no adult was home. Both things happened within a week. I could go on, but will keep it short by saying that many such things went on...things that I considered a danger and could leave me open to a lawsuit.

After a couple of months, my son told me that he thinks she may have ADD. I didn't know anything about ADD and researched a bit on the 'net. A lot of things seemed to fit. In the meantime, my son has done his best to keep the house in order....after I complained to him. He and the kids wait until she leave the room, then get going cleaning up after themselves.

What I'd like to know is what options they have to get help with this. Is there any treatment or meds specifically for ADD? Also, I wonder how I should deal with it. Should I just go along with whatever she does or says because it's something she can't control?

It is so generous and kind of you to open your home. What date is set for them to leave? I assume this is temporary? There are no easy anwers for you or your situation. I hope what I share will help you a little bit. Be aware, I am going to ask you some tough questions and make some observations you and the family might not like, but if I don't, I can't honestly help you. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here, make light of your problems, or blame ADD for everything. As an older woman with ADD who has struggled for many years, as a teacher of human development, and as a mom and grandmom, I offer these thoughts:

Not all this is ADD. Some could be depression, some could be other issues. What is the marriage like? Are they having problems other than losing the house-money problems I am assuming? All this could be ADD and a lot of other problems, since ADD is more than frequently accompanied by other difficulties. But after saying all this, your DIL still needs love and acceptance. She is hard on herself, even if you don't see it. To me, it sounds like she has shut down emotionally and really needs medical care. Much of it could be ADD, but only a doctor can diagnose and treat.

This must be frustrating for all of you. From what you said, she seems to be unconcerned with messes and cleaning, you want things clean and neat. Your son and the kids did not start doing any cleaning until you said something. She can't possibly be making all those messes by herself. Do the kids and her husband expect her to do everything? I feel like more is going on than just messes and pool problems and breaking rules. It is hard to share these things with strangers, I know. You love your son and grandkids, and are struggling to understand your DIL. The fact that you posted here tells me you really care about her even though you are really frustrated.

You said you are afraid of a lawsuit, I would be pretty angry over something that serious. Is she the one breaking the rules or is it the kids? You said "them" dad is also responsible for the kids, not just mom. Teenagers have a way of doing things behind any parents back, no matter how careful. The pool and safety are big issues. One bit of advice, pick your battles. I would put safety and health issues on the battle list. And battle gently. Somethings might me be grin and bear it until they leave, others might be areas to grow and learn from. Above all, take care of yourself.

Can I ask one question, Why do you clean the bathroom every night? Why isn't everyone helping out? Chore chart or something? My parents did that when I was a kid, I liked it actually. Wish my husband would have supported it. Something like that could help everyone know what they are to do and when. She could then do her weekly, rotating jobs and not focus on everything. With such a major upheavel in all your lives this might give you all a bit of organization and keep you from feeling like a maid or nag or such. Plan rewards like movie nights or something cheap and fun when things work well.

From my side of the ADD fence, could she feel intimidated by your organization and cleanliness? You two are very different is my guess and are perhaps grating on each other. None of this is easy. Your DIL needs a lot of affirmation and support, hard when you are upset. If she has ADD, a lot is going on.

This is a tough situation, but it is a group dynamic here, not caused by one person with possible ADD. It didn't just happen, and you unfortunately do not know what is going on between them or in the family as a whole.

RADD,
trying help and hoping I have not put my foot in my mouth. Here is a window into my life, perhaps this will give you a perspective of my whole life, not just the ADD part. A very brief autobio-I am a person with ADD, it is part of me, not all of me. I am greater than the sum of my parts! I am a pretty neat person despite my messy house!A little be about me and my life with ADD: I am a good loving person who cares deeply about other people. I love to teach and work with kids who others have given up on. I am affectionate and funny. Smart? Yes, I can finally see that. It only took 50 years. I have made tremendous positive changes in my life and not only survived, but thrived after the trauma that caused my PTSD. I am a tough bird, who sometimes breaks easily. I cry easily and get angry with injustice and evil. Life is exciting and frustrating. I will help anyone who needs it,I have or had depression, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks, physical health problems-including chronic pain. I am not a neat person, although I would like to do better. My kitchen, bath, closets, and shelves are super organized. I stuggle with clutter on anything flat. I get frustrated with keeping up with a house very easily and health problems don't help. My family has not cooperated with efforts to manage the home. (that is a huge sore point for me.) My husband and I have not had the best relationship. It has been tough, really tough. My mom is really organized-basically tries to be superwoman. I jokingly call her Martha Stewart on speed with OCD. If she and my dad come for Christmas, I would panic! My house is a wreck and I am struggling to get it into order. We irritate each other enormously for many reasons. She has never been able to completely accept me, that is hard.

Mae, we could have been related... what you describe so perfectly fits my mom (ADD) who drove her mother-in-law, my grandma, nuts. My grandparents stopped visiting unless my dad promised to clean the house first...

I learned how to keep my own home picked up & clean after I married. Then my mom-in-law lost her home and moved in with us... She was the messiest person I ever knew. She made my mom look like a clean freak. I would never have thought it was possible!

So despite being the one with ADD, I do know about the stress of having someone who breaks all the rules and leaves messes faster than you can clean them. I loved my mom-in-law but there were times I didn't know if I wanted to pull my hair out or hers.

Was your daughter-in-law's home like this before? If it's a new thing, she either doesn't deal with change well or is dealing with emotional issues. Losing a house and relocating both have huge stress levels attached.

I love Radd's post. You asked if you had to go along with it because it was something she couldn't control--no, you don't. It's your home. But I'd work through your son wherever possible, because it's his responsibility too, and because I suspect you'll get more satisfying results for everyone in the long run.

This is also a lack of boundaries and lack of self-care/protection and judgement (eg doing dangerous things in the pool; people could drown and die).

I have ADHD and i am not that dangerous around water. (Due to years of swimming lessons and water safety and such.)

This isn't just ADHD.

Thanks, everyone, for your replies. As I understand it, she doesn't know or won't acknowledge that there is a problem. My son said he has asked her to see a doctor, but she won't.

RADD, I don't mind the tough questions at all. Their marriage appears to be good. They do a lot of things with the whole family, and the two of them enjoy spending time together. Their house is going into foreclosure and they have a lot of debt. They do not point fingers at each other....they take equal blame for their situation. One of the flags for me is that, when she explains what happened, she has it all wrong. She says their money troubles started when my son changed jobs a few years ago. I think she really believes that, but I know it's not so because they asked for a large loan 11 years ago because they were $30,000 in debt. I don't correct her because I don't know if I should, but it makes me worry about their chances of making our arrangement work. They are here to save money and start again.

It is her who makes the mess. She feeds the kids breakfast but bowls, soupy butter, dirty pans, just get left where they are. Then lunch stuff gets added to it. Big smudgy hand prints are left on the oven doors. The sink and counters never get wiped down. The beds aren't made and her clothes just lay where they are dropped. My son explained it by saying that she will start one thing, find something else that interests her, and go off to another thing. The other thing could be playing with the kids on the patio. She has never dusted or cleaned glass. She does vacuum.

It's true that my son and the kids didn't start cleaning until I mentioned it to my son. As a result, stuff does get put away and dishes get put in the dishwasher. Every night after supper my dtr-in-law goes upstairs and my son and the kids clean up. Everything gets put away, the floor gets swept, the counters, stove and sink gets wiped. She works on Saturday and he and the kids clean their rooms. My son told me he does that so she won't feel that he thinks she's not good enough. They don't expect her to do everything....more that they do everything for her as far as keeping a house goes. She is not lazy. She is a great mom and wife. She is kind and generous and will do anything for anybody.

She just doesn't understand my concerns about my house. I don't want little kids alone in the pool. I don't want candles lit in every room with three kids, their friends, two dogs, and a ferret running around. Their 3 yo dog wasn't housebroken and their house was a mess. After the dog wet on the rugs about 20 times, I told them to watch the dog or get rid of him. She lost it when I said that. She told my son they would have to get rid of him because she doesn't have the time to watch him. She asked me if I knew when my dog has to go. As it turned out, their dog is fine if people just pay attention. He whines. He hasn't wet once since.

Yes, she could feel intimidated. I'm not quite Martha Stewart, but I do like order. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Right now I am bringing my issues to my son and he takes care of it. I don't like putting him in that position.

Charonshanti.. their house was not clean. Never saw it as bad as I saw mine, tho. They usually knew when I was coming. :)

I want to be supportive. I just don't know how to do that. I know it is affecting the kids. The first time she got "stressed" (as the kids call it), two of the kids came to me and said mom was stressed and I should just stay away. The 6 yo then very seriously told me she would come and get me when it's over.

Mae, is there any possibility of a substance abuse problem? I have known two women with substance abuse problems and this was the root of it all. A lot of people feel shame about ADD because there are still negative attitudes. How is her family? Could they give you any input? She sounds like she is in bad shape, but the denial means nothing will change until she does. Keep your eyes open for signs of things, make honest, open-minded observations. Write them down, it is easier to identify patterns that way. One option, if your son and grandkids are really being hurt or possibly harmed is an intervention. If she is severly depressed and endangering people, this might be an area for action. Talk to a doctor or counselor. You might want to get some counseling to help you deal with everything and get some insight.

The candles would scare me! The pool is absolutely dangerous. If it has a gate, lock it chain it and keep the key. If it continues, drain the dam thing. It is better than someone drowning. Collect the candles if they are left burning, lock them away. But, before you do that, tell your son, the kids, and her that this is what you will do if the problems continue to put the house and people at risk. You don't want to take those steps, but will if you have to! You don't want anyone to get hurt. Emphasize safety and concern. She seems to have some serious problems but you can't make her get help, unless she endangers someone, or herself.

I wish you the best, let us know how things go. Hopefully she will open up to someone. Thanks for being so open to everything! I was worried.

RADD

Mae, I'm traveling back in time just reading... We finally confiscated the candles and I started wiping down the doorknobs and walls for stray peanut butter.

There's a LOT of behavior that could be ADD. ADD can be absolutely paralyzing, and people may have to drop their expectations just to function. (Nice that the kids are getting some training in how to keep things up, that's really hard to learn on your own.) The poor sense of history and finances could be ADD also. Or depression, or substance abuse... or other medical issue. It really surprises me that she would accept the pet accidents in someone else's home, but if she really has ADD she probably feels it's completely out of her control.

Does she read much? If so, I'd get a copy of "You mean I'm not Stupid, Lazy, or Crazy?" and leave it out where she can see it, or ask her to read it.

Oh Radd, no need to worry. I appreciate anything that might help me understand this. I think there is a potential for substance abuse. She was going pretty heavy on wine for a while. The sad part is that the only time we've had some fun together is when she has a glass of wine. On the other side of that coin, though, is the two skirmishes she and I had was when she had too much. She recently told me that my son asked her to back off the wine so she's not going to have it every night. She wasn't upset by his request.

I asked my son if he ever talked to her parents about it. He said he had not. My assumption was that they don't even know about it. Is that possible?

Her parents are wonderful people. They live out of state and were here for a visit a couple of weeks ago. I was hoping to get a chance to probe a bit, but never was able to. My dtr-in-law did make a very inappropriate comment at dinner one night. We all sat there in a stunned silence. My dtr-in-law left the room and I asked her mom "what was that all about?". Her mom just shook her head.

That is one of my questions. Is this something that can surface in adults. Could her parents never have noticed anything when she was younger? Whenever I was babysitting at their house and her mom called, she would always refer to the smelly house or the candles....sort of embarrassed, I think. They are well-educated people who keep a house so clean you'd think you were in a hotel.

My dtr-in-law is close to her parents, but I think they intimidate her. She always wants my son around when she's with them. She is not close to her siblings. In 17 years of marriage, they never got together for Christmas or Thanksgiving. She's always been with our side of the family.

Charonshanti...yes, she does read. I will look for the book if only for me. If she doesn't admit to having a problem, I'm wondering how she would take it if I left the book around. Maybe I could have my son read it and let him decide.

Yes, she could not make a connection about the smell in their house and the dog that messed inside just about every day. Her joke was that they had the rug cleaner on speed dial. They had a 21 yo cat who they decided not to bring here. She was deaf and leaked urine. My dtr-in-law couldn't make the decision about what to tell her 6 yo. So they left the cat in the old house alone for 2 weeks. They or their neighbors fed her every day. Then one day, she showed up here with the cat. Her decision was to let the cat stay in my grand dtr's room for a week or so. I was flabbergasted?? My dog is a rescue dog and I was told that she shouldn't live with a cat. Supposedly hates cats. That happened before my son told me about the ADD, so my thought was that she just didn't think that maybe she should have asked me first. I let them bring their dog, a tortoise, a ferret, and 2 goldfish.

I don't know where she keeps the candles. I smell them occasionally. My grand dtr tells me that she and mom burn candles in her room. When they first got here, she had one lit in her bedroom. I could see it from my room. Just a fat candle sitting on a saucer. Nobody in the room. If my dog walked by, she could easily get it with her tail. That's when I told them not to leave candles burning when no one was in the room. The problem is that she forgets so much that I can't help but be afraid she will leave one burning. She doesn't understand why it makes me nervous.

It's true that my son and the kids didn't start cleaning until I mentioned it to my son. As a result, stuff does get put away and dishes get put in the dishwasher. Every night after supper my dtr-in-law goes upstairs and my son and the kids clean up. Everything gets put away, the floor gets swept, the counters, stove and sink gets wiped. She works on Saturday and he and the kids clean their rooms. My son told me he does that so she won't feel that he thinks she's not good enough. They don't expect her to do everything....more that they do everything for her as far as keeping a house goes. Hi Mae, My husband has ADD and I can relate to your frustration over keeping a clean environment. I'm not Martha Stewart either, but I've learned to pick my battles. Just a small suggestion...when she gets up after dinner to go upstairs, why doesn't your son ask her to join the group and help tidy up? Of course, if this is an arrangement that they've made between the two of them, then just be glad someone else is helping to clean up. If this can work for you, just make sure he is specific (identify one task). Incidentally, I tried a chore chart once and he didn't remember to look at it.


That is one of my questions. Is this something that can surface in adults. Could her parents never have noticed anything when she was younger?
I am struggling with this too. I'm sure my husband was a super active kid, but I don't think his parents know that ADD even exists. He still hasn't told them of his diagnosis. I'm in the early learning stages too, but from the books I've read, some adults who discover they have ADD look back on their childhood and have an "ah ha" moment. It explains a lot of their struggles during school. If you read some of the other threads in the adult add forum, you'll discover one where various individuals don't remember a lot of their childhood. My husband probably only remembers 20%. For him, there was no "ah ha" because he simply doesn't remember and doesn't have old report cards to refer to.

I presume that it is an arrangement in one way or the other. It doesn't bother me at all that she doesn't join in the clean-up. The fact that it's getting done works for me. I asked my son once if he ever resents that he does most of the cleaning and laundry, etc. He told me he didn't because she does does most of the cooking and does a lot for the kids. He has said that it took him a while to get OK with it. He told me he used to get frustrated much more. He said he used to tell her that all he wanted was to come home to a clean house. Apparently at some point, he realized it wasn't going to happen.

Thanks for your post. I'll start reading the other threads.

iam a half half man 80% time my home is clener than most but 20%time its not as clean when i take a day out from worrying about anything a stright forwades life is fsar better then a clean home 24/7

dorm

Personally, if I were in you place I would sit down and talk with her. Be loving and supportive, but you have to let her know that candles, and kids in the pool are a safetly issues, and one that you won't tolerate. After all, who cleans what and when is a minor issues when compared with the posibility of your house burning down, or having someone drown in the pool.

I've found that with my husband I have to be short and sweet. If I take, "I won't tolerate X", and turn it into a paragraph, I've lost him after the first few sentances. You really should see if theres a way to get her to seak help. Until you address the root cause of her behavior, nothing will ever get fixed.

Dorm, I do understand that my home is not going to be as neat and clean as it was when I was alone. I just don't want to be embarrassed every time someone comes in.

Lady Lark, I have had talks with them a few times. Both before my son told me he suspects ADD. When I said an adult has to be at the pool she argued the point, but we left it that an adult has to be there. When she left an open flame in their room, I told her that it scares me. She seemed to agree.

When I found two 11 yo's in the pool at nearly 11PM, I went to find her. That time she lost her temper and slammed out the door to get the kids in. One of the kids was a sleepover. She said something about me judging her. She went to her room and slammed the door. She came back 20 minutes later and apologized.

A week or so after that, there was another problem and I told them we have to have a talk. She came into my room with a pad and pen. I was as calm as I could be. I explained that I thought they were taking advantage of me because they agree to my "rules", and then go right ahead and do it again. Even tho I said "they", I knew my son was desparately trying to make this work and followed my rules. He had no place else to go. I told them that maybe I was being overly cautious, but I can't live for three years being afraid and uncomfortable. I asked them if they had any other plan if I didn't agree to them moving in here. I just wanted to open that door.

Because she either doesn't admit to a problem, or maybe isn't even aware of a problem, can I even expect things to get better? I read about others saying certain meds help. Should my son insist on her being checked out. And if so, where would they start?

From what I am seeing, even if they get their finances in order and get another place, they may start down the same road again. She lost her cell phone, but didn't notify her carrier. When she had the phone, she lost the charger and was missing important business calls. When I asked why she doesn't use another phone to retrieve her messages, she said she never thought of it. She forgets to pay bills even when she has the money. She is not stupid. She finished college and is good at her job.

I don't know how I can be supportive when nobody acknowledges that there is a problem. :confused:

Point out all these things to her. Let her know that you're not judging her, but you're concerened for her, and her kids (your grandkids). That may get her to take a step back and look at things differently. Just make sure to keep your cool, and watch your tone of voice, or it may turn into a big argument (although it may do that anyway). Basically work it like an intervention. Get your son, and the kids on board too. Maybe she'll listen if it's not just you.

Hi Mae,

First I want to say that I really admire you for reaching out here. I know a lot of people would just keep doing the same thing over & over and end up butting heads.

I'm probably the least qualified to speak to your situation, given that I've never been married & don't have any kids. But a couple of things came to mind... (and yes, I'm ADHD so excuse me if my thoughts are all over the place)

:soapbox:

I strongly believe in "my house, my rules". (I should mention that I'm 29 and have moved back in with my mom for financial reasons). From what I am reading, you have been clear about your 3 big rules. 1) Clean up after yourself 2) No unsupervised kids at the pool 3) No unattended candles. Despite this, your DIL's behaviour isn't changing.

Have you considered modifying the last 2 rules? For example, I'm sure she doesn't mean to leave the candles unattended. So instead of "no unattended candles" the new rule is "candles are not allowed in the house - period". Or "no one can use the pool unless I am outside supervising". Then it's not so ambiguous.

I'm wondering if you've considered a "tough love" approach. It seems to me your DIL needs to have some consequences for her behaviour. As I see it, the only ones suffering consequences are your son & the kids.

I think you are well within your rights to insist she be evaluated by a doctor if she is to continue living in your home. You have too much at risk to tiptoe around. Lives are at stake! Yours, hers, your grandchildren! Potential fire and drowning are not something to be taken lightly.

I can't imagine how hard it would be to ask them to leave if she doesn't get help. But I think it would be harder to live with myself if someone got hurt or died because I didn't put my foot down.


It sounds like your son is already onside with the ADD thing. I recommend you &/or he get ahold of the official DSM criteria, then list examples of how she fits each point. It would be useful to talk to her parents too, for examples from her childhood. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her parents & that they also think something is amiss.

When you have your 'case' ready, then someone needs to sit down & talk to your DIL. Maybe just your son, maybe both of you, maybe her parents should be there too. You know best.

Your son should also make arrangements to talk to your DIL's doctor ahead of time. Some doctors are more helpful than others about adult ADHD. You don't want her to go for an evaluation & then find out the doctor isn't helpful.



Also, I'm concerned about the family dynamics.

I'm all for kids helping around the house, but I get the feeling they (and your son) are scrambling behind your back, trying to fix mom's "mistakes". It's not fair to anyone.

1) You are inadvertently becoming the "bad guy".

- The kids know things have to be cleaned up before grandma sees it.
- It may seem like you're picking on their mom & they make grow to resent it.

2) Your son is stuck in the middle of you, his wife & his kids. It's a heavy burden. Does he practice self care? Calling friends, exercising, hobbies, etc. He's on the road to anger, resentment & burn out otherwise.

3) And what about the impact on your grandkids???

- Your grandkids are parenting their mom. Why else is a 6 year old running interference between you & her mom? I was forced into this position as a child (due to an alcoholic parent) & I can't even begin to tell you the damage it did to me.

- All the tension in the home is affecting them for sure. They are missing out on the chance to just be kids. They have a right to their childhood. I missed out on a lot of normal childhood stuff & it still affects my behaviour today, despite 20+ years of counselling. It would've been less time invested if I just could've been a kid in the first place. :)

Despite her shortcomings, your DIL sounds like she's a good mom & wife. Perhaps that can be your ace in the sleeve if you need it. She needs help for the sake of her kids and her marriage. Not to mention, if things don't change, they may find themselves in the same financial situation down the road.

Sorry for the long-winded reply. (Good thing I can't type as fast as I talk ;)) Hope it was useful & feel free to PM me if you want any specifics from my own situation.

((( Hugs )))

Maple

Lady, thank you. It only turned into an argument that one time. Sometime when I'm writing here, I feel like I'm making her out to be a real "bad guy", when she is really a good person. She does many kind things for me and everyone else.

Maple, you hit so many things right on the nail. I don't like the feeling of being "the cop" and I don't want to live with constant tension. I hate having my son in the position he is in. We have talked about it. He has told me that sometimes he thinks "oh, not again", but in the end, he knows that I'm not being unfair. I understand that his stress level must be high every time he walks into the door.

I worry about the kids. The two youngest (6 & 11) seem to be OK with me having a new role in their lives. We continue to have a lot of fun together. There was one incident with the 15 yo. He was used to having sleepovers whenever he wanted. Before the kids went back to school, it got to be too much for me. Often both boys would have sleepovers and they would be here all day, all night, and most of the next day. Since my DIL was "in charge" it was constant chaos. In and out of the pool, in and out of fridge, food all over. I finally said "enough"....too many sleepovers. Too many kids running around at night. The best friend of the 15 yo asked me why he can't come over. I took that opportunity to ask my grandson if he is upset with me. He said he didn't have the will inside him to be upset with me. Not sure exactly what that meant, but it gave me a chance to let him know that I care about his feelings. They still have occasional sleepovers on the weekends. Not a problem, because the pool is closed and my son is here to keep things in order the next day.

I can't imagine asking them to leave. However, if I get the impression that they are not taking control of their finances, I will consider suggesting it. If they get an apartment, they will have no choice but to work with a budget.

I'm thinking now that I might bring up the subject to my son about trying to get her to see a doctor....or maybe that he should talk to her doctor as a start.

.

That is one of my questions. Is this something that can surface in adults. Could her parents never have noticed anything when she was younger?


Mae, To be diagnosed with ADD it is necessary to have had some of the symptoms as a child. ADD in females shows itself differently than in males and the most common form of ADD in women is the "inattentive" type. That is, ADD without hyperactivity. Thus, as girls they are often not noticed as having a problem. As these girls become adults their problems begin to surface, often in the form of disorganization. Too, when women with ADD have new responsibilities such as having a child or getting a promotion their problems increase.

It sounds to me that your DIL is ADD. She is feeling the consequences of being undiagnosed and untreated. Untreated ADD often results in depression, anxiety, and self image problems. Her lack of organization is something that she probably cannot help.

I do not have ADD but my partner does. After learning this, I educated myself and my partner has since been diagnosed and is taking meds. He is much happier and productive and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Living with untreated ADD can be very difficult for the non-ADHD partner.

The fact that your son is a loving partner and father is very important. He has accepted a lot and now it must be terribly difficult for him, being in the middle. Someone suggested the book, "You Mean I'm not Lazy Stupid or Crazy?." That is a good one as is "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life" by Sari Solden. Sari is ADD, a female, and a psychoterapist. Her book is the first book just about women and ADD. Another author to look for regarding women and ADD is Kathleen Nadeau.

Are any of your grandchildren ADHD? It often runs in families.

You need to take care of yourself, Mae. As much as you want to have a place for your son and his family to be while they are trying to get ahead, you need to understand what this can do to you. For everyone's sake I certainly hope that your DIL will agree to getting help. As I see it, it is the only way this is going to work.

Maple Syrup had some *very* good points and I endorse them all. She said it much better than I could have. For being only 29 she certainly is very wise. I would pay close attention to what she has to say.

Jamais

To be diagnosed with ADD it is necessary to have had some of the symptoms as a child. ADD in females shows itself differently than in males and the most common form of ADD in women is the "inattentive" type. That is, ADD without hyperactivity. Thus, as girls they are often not noticed as having a problem. As these girls become adults their problems begin to surface, often in the form of disorganization. Too, when women with ADD have new responsibilities such as having a child or getting a promotion their problems increase.
A lot of times the symptoms are only noticeable in retrospect. It might just look like lack or initiative or structure. Which is exactly right, actually, to a debilitating extent hard to imagine even for a person with ADD. Besides what Jamais already mentioned, hormonal changes can also increase the severity of ADD to the point of being noticed; perimenopause can be a killer.

I really think mayple had a great idea about getting the DSM criteria and then giving her examples of how she fits.(brilliant idea really, I'm jelous I didn't think of it ;) )

I know she's not a "bad" person. People rant, it's healthy. :D Just try to keep everything supporative, and as non-judgemental as possible.
*hugs*