Hi All,

I'm new here. Just looking for ideas on how to get my ADD husband motivated to go look for a job. He quit his previous job 18 months ago. So far no looking, no applications, no revised resume. At first he was thrilled with his new freedom, then depression set in. He is seeing a psych and is on meds again for his ADD and for depression. He has a counselor that he sees weekly and we are in intermittant couples counseling.

Really, I think the depression has basically subsided. But he doesn't/won't look for a job. He surfs the 'net and plays video games all day. (We cut the cable, so no more tv, but there was some of that before.) It looks so boring.

Our finances are extremely tight. We have been overspending my income for the past several months, and so dipping into savings. The marriage is not very satisfying to me because I feel like a single parent to him and not a spouse. I am not sure how long I will be able to last. We have been married for 2.5 years, so he has been unemployed for more than half of our marriage.

Any ideas on what *I* can do to be a catalyst to this process???

I really do want to take the high road. I want our marriage to be a long-term success. Sometimes I think: I will cut the internet. Or: I will cancel the credit card so he has no access to spending. I feel like this would be guerrilla warfare without his buy-in. Or: I will move him out until he gets his act together.

I really do not know what to do. There is so much pain and unhappiness. Any ideas would be welcomed.

Welcome to ADDF! I believe you will find lots of support here. I hope you will not mind many replies from other adults with ADHD though ;) we tend to answer all posts regardless of who posts them.

I have ADHD and so does my husband and he does that same cycle of quit job/sit around and play games. I get really frightened and upset when he strethces us thin but you have a better bargaining chip than I do: you have a paying job whereas I have only disability income.

Still, money is money. I believe it is time for some tough love around your house. What he is doing is not boring to him. We ADDers have an amazing ability called HYPERFOCUS. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31430&highlight=blurbs+hyperfocus)

Click the blue link for a forum thread regarding hyperfocus with many contributors but here is the upshot:

Both research and clinical experience tells us that ADHD Children can exhibit a type of "hyperfocus" - intense concentration and single-minded focus when the activity is very interesting. This situation is most often found when ADHD Children play computer games. ADHD Children may have an amazing ability to hyperfocus on a computer game, one of the few things that moves fast enough to maintain their attention, unlike homework or routine chores.

The hyperfocus found in ADHD Children is not a normal type of concentration or focus. Remembering the neurochemical aspects of Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), hyperfocus requires the child to use the maximum attention and sustained concentration available. For parents and teachers, imagine trying to thread a needle, in low light, while sitting in a row boat in the ocean - the waves tossing and rolling all the time. The amount of concentration required to thread that needle makes us anxious, tense, and irritable - as if somebody were asking us questions while we were trying to thread that needle. This is way ADHD Johnny is so fidgety while trying to listen to your conversation or correction.

In ADHD Children, hyperfocus allows them to participate in computer games or watch high-action movies - but at a cost. The amount of energy being used makes them very irritable. If a parent interrupts the computer game or movie with a question, a call for lunch, or a request - the ADHD Children is likely to explode in a burst of verbal or physical aggression. His or her concentration has been broken and that neurochemical activity spills out into the room, or is directed at the interrupting source.

In short, your husband is indulging a symptom that comes naturally to him and honestly, we need to learn where and when hyperfocus is a good thing and when it is NOT. When it is distracting you from the things you need to be doing as a functional adult, it becomes problematic. Before meds and ADHD awareness I might have easily let the house burn down around me while engaged in hyperfocus and my own favorite hyperfocus is usually something involving the computer/internet.

Have you read any books about adult ADHD yet? I suggest that you do if you have not. Learn to identify where and when hyperfocus is helping him and your family and when it is not. I am willing to bet he reacts strongly to being interrupted while playing games or web surfing. I know my husband does! You may have to consider cutting the internet (of course that would cut you off from us, here, too) or do what I did: Lock him off the computer. He will not like it? But as long as you are paying all the bills, you really ought to have some leverage and more say in how your own funds get spent. My opinion of course.

Get him to sit down with you and look you in the eye and draw up a written agreement. Have him decide how much energy he can put into the job search and set a time limit on when things need to get done. Sign it contract-style and assign a penalty that you both can live with (ie: if he fails to meet his obligations for a period of time designated, he will surrender his gaming console).

Its hard to supportive yet firm in this kind of situation, but let the people here be here for you and guide you through some ideas. I have only these few ideas but I am sure my colleagues (partners in crime?) will have more to say.

Inform him if you have to that I myself have severe ADHD and bipolar II disorder and I still manage to get something productive done every day. There is more to ADHD treatment than simply swallowing a few capsules or tablets and he needs to comply. That is what grownups do.

In my opinion!

Crazy feet, thanks for your thoughtful reply.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

I am familiar with hyperfocus. I have seen it manifest here on these topics: weight management/exercise, sex, research for new "toys". You are right, it is an amazing ability. I think the internet and video games are very stimulating to him, but not exactly the result of hyperfocus. JMO.<o:p></o:p>

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Yes, I have done plenty of research on AD/HD. I have read Hallowell and listened to some of his CDs and read other authors and resources as well. As well as reading just about every marriage self-help book on the market (not really, but it feels that way). (Because I am the non-ADD spouse I don't have trouble finishing these books!:)<o:p></o:p>

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I need to be online at least once per day for my job, but I can accomplish this task at a remote site (coffee shop, bookstore, etc) if needed. (I have laptops for business and personal…he has a desktop, so I am at the advantage there.) If I do disconnect him he will raise a fury. Guaranteed. It will be a huge fight.

I like your idea of the contract, although he also exhibits some oppositional defiance elements and really resists being accountable to me. I have a hard time imagining him sitting down to that talk.

Thanks for your encouragement and ideas. I truly appreciate them!!

Hey awareness of an impending huge battle gives you time to prepare strategy am I right? ;) Look at it this way: one way or the other you are uncomfortable and ill at ease, you might as well take the option that saves you money and shuts down a source of his distraction. JMO!

I know that I personally had to threaten my hubby's gaming consoles with a ball-peen hammer :D. And remind him it was a Christmas gift. From me! I paid for it sooooo...I can take it back. I have taken the cords that it connects to the TV with and hidden them, too. Of course I myself have ADHD so I can tune out a LOT of whining!

C'mon people, chime in here. I know somebody else around here is going to have more advice or better ideas than I have. Maybe my Auntie B will be on later; she usually has a good 2C to add to threads like this :).

Good luck to you and please keep us posted on any developments?

I don't think I could stand that. My husband of one year talks about a time in his life when he "couldn't" work for four or five years because he was so depressed. He wasn't a house husband, didn't cook or clean or even take care of the kids. He says his wife was really unhappy, but mostly won't talk about it. He's getting close to retirement now and I wonder if he thinks he'll just quit work and sit at the computer all day.Just the thought of it gives me the creeps. I'm retired from a longtime job, but run a consulting company and do lots of work that I love. He's only been diagnosed a few years and I think he believes changing or improving is too late for him.

I think you've been given some good advice -- about the tough love and the contract. I doubt he's going to change without it. You mustn't put yourself in financial jeopardy because he's hyperfocusing.

I don't really have any good advice as to how to motivate him to find work. I guess the best thing is to be supportive and look for ways that you can direct his interests into a profitable venture. List out his strengths and weaknesses as see if you can find a fit.

Nagging him to find a job and undercutting his form of distractions are only going to increase the discomfort level in the home and not really provide a solution.

Have you tried addressing this in counseling? If he is anything like my ADD wife, he will want to do something, however lack the motivation or attention to stick it out and finish the task. If you are successful in getting him motivated into a job, you'll probably end up back where you are now, unless the job is a good fit. Has he ever expressed an interest in something or displayed a talent of some kind that could be exploited to a profitable end?

I also wonder why the print ADD books, it seems that the only people that read them are the ADD spouses. Maybe somebody should make action packed ADD multimedia extravaganzas, then ADD people might pay attention to the end. :rolleyes:

My husband of one year talks about a time in his life when he "couldn't" work for four or five years because he was so depressed. He wasn't a house husband, didn't cook or clean or even take care of the kids. He says his wife was really unhappy, but mostly won't talk about it.
Wow, I am amazed she was able to hang in there for that long. That is basically the situation here. Except that it's "only" been 18 months. I am curious, what finally made him get up and go to work?

Nagging him to find a job and undercutting his form of distractions are only going to increase the discomfort level in the home and not really provide a solution.
ADDrus, you sound like you speak from experience! This is what I have found, also. Conventional behavior modification techniques seem to backfire. Which makes it hard to explain to friends, extended family, and the general population *why* setting a deadline with the threat of moving him out is unlikely to work (except to end the marriage, which at this point is not my goal: I just want him to get to work looking for a job!).

Also, one resource that my husband found interesting and able to finish was the abridged CD recording of Delivered from Distraction. It is read by Hallowell himself and I think it 2 CD's. It's a good one and I would highly recommend it to anyone who touches ADD. We were able to check it out from our library.

Hi winterwynd, I have been down the anger resentment road and it really doesn’t help anything. I can’t change the feelings or emotional responses in anyone but myself. I made a decision a while ago that I didn’t like myself as an angry resentful person. I took control of my own emotions and feel much better for it. Now granted I don’t have to rely on the income of a non employed spouse, so I don’t have those stresses to deal with, but I’m sure dealing with them without being clouded by anger would be easier. It seems that many non ADD spouse get frustrated and angry with the situations that never get better. While this is understandable, it’s not helpful. Try to focus the energy on positive solutions and not negative emotions.

You say your expenses are outstripping your income. This can’t last. This is priority one. You need to shake him up over this. In a positive non threatening way you need to have him buy into the fact that you both have a financial problem that you both share. You need to reduce costs or increase income. Hopefully you have the financial chores in your household as your spouse doesn’t strike me as the responsible type. You don’t have to declare bankruptcy because of a non motivated ADD spouse. The financial obligations are shared and he needs to own his share.

I have also experienced the difficulty in explaining things to family friends etc. It’s like you know what you want to say and you get so frustrated when you see in their faces that they just don’t get it. They really need to live in your shoes to truly understand. That’s why I find this forum so helpful.

I think part of the threat to end things approach is so undesirable is that at least for me, I feel my spouse would just accept that as the ultimate result anyway. All the other things in her life failed to meet expectations and the end in her mind is sort of expected and she’s just waiting for it. It’s the path of least resistance. Easier to let things fail again as they are so used to the failure anyway. Changing behavior is harder, it’s unknown, it requires focus and help love understanding patience and attention.

I hope you find some comfort in here somewhere.<O:p</O:p

Hi Winter: You asked what finally happened. The main problem was that he was undiagnosed ADD and nobody knew what was wrong. Finally, they moved out of town because she got a better job, he did get a job but she ended up kicking him out. We have a pretty good relationship and I feel so bad for her, because I know she loved him very much, wanted him to be a partner, father and husband and took it very personally (of course). I wouldn't have put up with it...she waited and waited and it still went to heck. I think you're being very nice and amazingly patient, but I do think your wellbeing is at stake here, and I hope you'll be able to either motivate him or decide you have to be the number one priority. Glad you don't have kids.

Hugs to you. Walked/walking in your shoes, non-ADD husband

You can do nothing. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. It is not your responsibility. He is responsible for him. ADD causing this? Probably not, it might be a factor, but many people with ADD are successful and determined even though they struggle. Metaphor: People who are abused go through horrid things and some end up as murderers and some are wonderful, law-abiding citizens. ADD can also be used as an excuse. As can any disability. You can be a PhD and and an S O B, you can have ADD and be an S O B This happens all the time. I am not down on ADD, I have it. I am calling the cards as I see them. Many people have similar problems and there is no ADD involved. Separate the ADD from the other stuff, OK? What is made difficult by the ADD vs what is not ADD?

Are you willing to end the marriage? Don't stay in this if he continues the behavior. You deserve better. You are worthy of an equal partnership. He is not being a husband, therefore in my opinion, this is not a "marriage" anymore. Is he drinking or using drugs? Think about your sex life, is it bad too? Would you want to have kids with him? What kind of dad would he be? What if this never changes or is a continuing cycle? What do you want to do deep down in your heart? My bet is to end the relationship. The high road without him is very lonely. I am not a wheeee, get a divorce type, but this is not a marital relationship. You are a meal ticket and an ATM. I don't hear you saying you love him either, understandable when going through something like this. I know.

If it was me and I was starting my marriage over, I would have ended it. My husband is not ADD! We are 28.5 years now-once we had kids, I didn't leave for their sake. Youngest has one more year of high school, and I am still not sure what the future holds. Please don't go this long if the marriage is not good.

My suggestions-and they make you a mom, not a wife! You are earning the money, paying the bills and he is overspending, and totally inconsiderate. These might help you survive while deciding, tough love and will not enable him to use his ADD as an excuse:

Tell him to start looking-give him an ultimatum. Get a job or I will divorce you. Sometimes this is what it takes. But, he might get better for a time and then start the cycle again. Counseling is a must.
Put all credit cards and checking account in your name, give him no access. Your credit will be ruined-very bad. Protect it! Call credit card companies and have him removed from card. Cut up cards in his name, at night when he sleeps if you have to. No warning either. You would be responsible to pay the bills later. Change your pin. Or open a new account in your name and let the current one die. Lower your credit limits on cards or get cash cards. This is a huge area that can devastate you for years to come!
Give him an allowance, no advances. If he runs out? Tough toenails. This way he has some money, but only what your budget can bear. You can tell him how to spend it.
You could become administrator of your computer and prevent him access-until he looks for a job. The tech people on here can help maybe? Or someone at your job? If you have XP, just go to new accounts and follow instructions to make yourself the admin. Create an account for him and then keep the password until he starts looking and making progress. You can change the passwords anytime too. Give him access to job sites online for a couple hours a day.
I am not a counselor but have struggled in a relationship for 28 years. Make the decisions for you. Not for him. Continue counseling. Make sure you are getting counseling to help you make the best decision for you. if he does not make meaningful changes or improvement, DO NOT BE A MARTYR, that is not required! My own parents should have divorced-seriously. I really feel for you. Big hugs. PM if you like. Feel free to ignore my input!

RADD
I took the high road, and travel alone too often. He is a nice guy who is clueless about relationships. We have 3 wonderful kids, but life was really awful for many years. He is trying now-but is it too little-to late? He is trying now that I have a job and money and don't need him anymore. (Was employed, looking-sending an application this weekend! I have ADD and am job hunting!)

Hi winterwynd,

Is there something in the job hunting process that your husband finds difficult? Like writing applications for example. I'm thinking if him not feeling able to job hunt (in the right / expected way) might be a part of it.

Is he not looking for a job at all, not even reading adds every now and then?

Does he feel this is a problem too (that you know of)?

I think that things he might want to try if it is that he doesn't job hunt cause he finds it difficult to do are:

Job hunt in short spurts. Spend 10 minutes searching for jobs at an online job centre. If he's to write an application, but cannot keep at it until it's finished, write it in short spurts. It's ok to just write a few words and then feel blah and walk away -- he can come back to it later.

The two of you could try to make a game of who finds the highest number of adds for jobs that would suit him in a given time.

These suggestions might help him if he's willing to look for a job, but not able.

Is there something in the job hunting process that your husband finds difficult? Like writing applications for example. I'm thinking if him not feeling able to job hunt (in the right / expected way) might be a part of it.

Is he not looking for a job at all, not even reading adds every now and then?

Does he feel this is a problem too (that you know of)?
Hi ClearConfusion,

I like your motivational techniques! The problem has been that any attempt to "hold him accountable" seems to backfire. He is very resistant to this. But positive motivation does sometimes work, so great ideas!

I feel that he needs an ADD coach and am willing to pay for it. I feel that this would provide the support and motivation and structure, as well as take me out of the parenting role. He thinks it will cost too much money. (I think the opportunity cost of missed income is far greater!) He did agree at our last counseling session a few weeks ago to consider a coach as of Feb 1. Why the deadline? He thinks he is capable of finding the job himself. (*I* am not allowed to set deadlines, but apparently he is!)

He does sometimes look at job postings, but that is as far as it goes. There is no resume and there have been no applications. And we are 18 months into the unemployment. He does say he wants to get a job. I do not hear much conviction in his voice. I believe that he wants a job. But he is very defensive about it.

I also wonder why the print ADD books, it seems that the only people that read them are the ADD spouses.I prefer a hard copy with an index anytime; it's portable and doesn't require expensive technology to operate. I currently own five copies of Driven To Distraction so I can lend them out.

A co-worker worked two jobs while waiting for permanent employment at our workplace. When interviewed for the permanent position, the panel asked why she had worked at Walmart. She told them she liked to eat.

Hi winterwynd, I have had trouble motivating my husband to switch jobs. I don't believe he is depressed, but rather lacks confidence. I don't know if any of my tactics will work for you, but here it goes...

Stay positive - my husband initially brought up the fact that he wanted to change jobs, but he keeps changing his mind. He wants to leave on a "high note". I believe he is being pushed out the door after years of procrastination and not meeting his targets. Be prepared to hear a lot of negative self talk.

Make a list - we sat down one afternoon and made a list of potential companies that he would like to work for. This was difficult for him, but we made it. I tried to let him wander and get his ideas out. He made the list and I just asked questions about why he liked that company and where he thought he'd fit in. It was like having 5 conversations at once, but it's his list.

Resume - this is not an easy task. Making the list kind of put him into a hyperfocus mode. I didn't see him for 5 hours except to edit drafts. Interestingly, after doing up the resume his confidence increased because he saw all the relevant experience he has. There are tons of online resources and people to help with resumes.

Having said all this, I feel for you. 18 months has probably become this huge hurdle for him to overcome. Just think about sitting in front of someone and trying to explain why there's an 18 month gap in your resume.

The contract idea from a pp was interesting. A good contract would make him accountable to HIMSELF rather than to you. HIS decisions got you into this mess and HE needs to take action. Even if you list some of the consequences, only HE can affect the outcome.

Now for the tough love...and of course this is just my opinion, but I think you need to decide how far you are willing to let this go and what you will do if things don't improve. You seem like an extremely patient and caring person, but don't let him jeopardize your future happiness or your financial standing. If things don't work out, you'll need a good credit rating.

Good luck!

to mottvat anyone you frist must understand were there comeing from..
with this smiply bit understanding you can help them to sharp them selfs....
giveing this then he she will hopefully stated to make smoe headway

good luck

dorm

My husband knew his time was up with a different company and I had asked and asked and asked and asked and asked for him to send out resumes.

Finally I just had to have the patience to let him fiddle with his resume. He was dealing with Anxiety. (Hindsight being 20/20 )

It's hard to get them out of their comfort zone. I can't say what motivated my husband. Maybe it was when I broke down and cried and worried about taking care of our family but he finally did it and he got a job interview then he got hired and it was a great confidence builder.

It sure didn't last 18 months though. Does he at least do stuff around the house? I would give him a structured day of the things he needs to do. Not suggestions but an actual structured list.

If that doesn't work, along with his meds and counseling then you may need to re-evaluate your situation. I hope not.

My girlfriend was laid off right before we moved in together. That should have been the warning sign, but I had faith that, like your average person, she would have to get another job soon.

Although she has thrown herself into various short-term jobs, mostly with low-paying film festivals, she hasn't had a single full-time job in 2 and 1/2 years.

As of now, she hasn't paid rent (which is half what I pay) in 3 months and we're talking about her moving out. There's a whole financial responsibility to this which I might start another thread for, but the job thing has been huge. In some of our worst arguments, when I find myself beyond the edge of my limits, I find myself screaming "get a f#@king job!!!". It's unbelievable to me that someone could exist like this and try to keep skating by.

And then I realize I"M LETTING HER SKATE BY. With your average person, you figure a helping hand will get them back on their feet. With the ADD/ADHD person, it just gives them something to hold on to briefly and possibly a way to pull you down.

Sorry if this is too negative, but this is all blowing up right now for me and it's threatening the relationship.

I think part of the threat to end things approach is so undesirable is that at least for me, I feel my spouse would just accept that as the ultimate result anyway. All the other things in her life failed to meet expectations and the end in her mind is sort of expected and she’s just waiting for it. It’s the path of least resistance. Easier to let things fail again as they are so used to the failure anyway. Changing behavior is harder, it’s unknown, it requires focus and help love understanding patience and attention.

I hope you find some comfort in here somewhere.<o>:p</o>:pI was reading along, nodding my head and seeing myself in here until I came across this last paragraph and it was just the best description I think I've ever read of how I've dealt with things most of my life (before recent diagnosis and treatment). Expecting just another failure, almost as if I was waiting for my husband to give up on me because it was innevitable. He still hasn't by the way.

You see, I'm the ADD spouse out of work and having a VERY hard time motivating myself to get back out there, so I know very well the paralyzing feelings this husband is dealing with. My husband has been so supportive after each failed job, he tries to boost my confidence and is always there for me when I need him most. It is a blessing to have someone love you despite the faults that you can't seem to forgive yourself for.

Even though things have begun to look much better and the future is starting to look inviting for the first time in years, I'm terrified of trying to explain my past employment history to someone new while attempting to get a job from them.


The flip side of reading this is that I understand a little better how frustrating it must be for him to continue being so positive for me when he must be frustrated as hell. oops heck. I know I need to try harder to get past this and I will, but I just wanted to let you all know that you really helped me even though it wasn't me you were writing to.

Well, I had better go before I'm bawling like a baby.

Thank you all so much,

HI there,

I am pretty opinionated so bear with me, and I have ADD so tact is not necessarily my greatest asset . . .

Part of this sounds like a male/female thing to me. Men are naturally resistant to being "told what to do" by a woman. Men also have their identities wrapped up in their careers, so there's no way your husband can feel good about himself. Also, though, women naturally want to respect their husbands, but have a very hard time doing so when they aren't providing like they should.

One, is your husband being treated for his ADD? If not, that may be where to start.

Also, like a pp said, it sounds like you are in the mother role and he is in the naughty teenage boy role. Not good for a marriage and it can't be good for your relationship or your sex life. Not that I want to pry in that area, but you can't feel that attracted to this man right now, so I assume that's out of kilter as well. You may want to tell your husband (if this is the case, and I suspect that it is) that it's hard for you to feel attracted to him when he's not pulling his weight as a man and he COULD do SOMETHING -- it's not like he's totally disabled!

You have a right to be ticked. He definitely needs to be pulling his weight. What in the world possesses him to think that he has the right to sit around while you have the burden of provision on you? My ADD dad used to do that and my mom would be so furious! But now that he has a diagnosis, there's NO reason why he shouldn't get treatment, get out of the house, and DO something.

You may want to try the honesty but not manipulation approach. Like, "Listen, this is not working. I am not happy with a partner who doesn't work but who is able to work, and I am not happy trying to be the "man of the house." I want to respect you (because RESPECT is what motivates men!!) but I find that hard to do when you are not even attempting to find employment. We need to have a serious plan for you to fulfill your role as a partner in this relationship, and in good faith you need to work, because I am not your momma and I don't expect to carry you indefinitely. I love you, but I have limits and you've reached it. I am not going to nag or whine, but neither am I going to put up with this much longer. What you do is your choice, but I won't live with you if you continue to refuse to fulfill your duty as my husband (if you're at that point, which I would definitely be at after 18 months!!)."

You don't have to divorce him, but you don't have to live with him either!! Sorry about the emotion behind this, but I guess I remember how hard it was on my mom when my dad did this and it still makes me ticked!!