How am i supposed to know who i am? I don't mean to speak on behalf of other people, but it seems like some people are, to some degree or another, psychologically dependent on dexamphetamine. I have not personally been off dex for many many years, and the possibility of a day without them is a terrifying prospect.

I know i have not learned to deal with my own paranoia, other peoples feelings, negative self talk or periods of boredom because i have always been given access to these pills that can, to some extent, alter my mood and (dare i admit it) my personality. I read a story on these forums from a guy and i think he called it 'my adhd downfall' and it was all about how he went off his medication, and everything he had built over the last few years crumbled around him (relationships, job, confidence, popularity)- it is heartbreaking anyway, and i have it saved on my laptop otherwise i could tell you his name. This is what i am afraid of happening to me and means that taking dex is NOT really a choice.

Somebody previously posted a really amazing message about dexamphetamine- with some really deep questioning of the role of medication in their success. FOr example, how much credit can you take for the work you produce whilst on stimulant medication? Everybody says: you are accessing this creativity/ clarity of thought that is already there, just suppressed by your adhd... this is so weird to me (and it incidentally reminds me of what my doctor always told me- "you are just getting to a level playing field") because it glosses over the entire dilemma. If i were really accessing my secret hidden self, why do i feel so inadequate and guilty about it? why am i so terrified of my unmedicated self if it is so close to my current reality? i have grown accustomed to this 'self' that can think of clever answers and give sage advice and sit down for long chats with friends... To lose amazing people in your life because you could no longer sustain a fabricated self (and, to be honest, if we can wonder how much of our ideas are derived from medication, we can wonder how much of our personality is fabricated) is a heartbreaking outcome of finding one's true self.

Chimaera

Chimaera,


Can you think about this question from a slightly different angle? The medicine clears away the mental litter that otherwise tends to obscure the real "you."
I've been taking AD's for almost 20 years and I dread the prospect of going without them because depression made me feel as if there were no "me".

The forum member whose life collapsed because he stopped taking his meds? Many of the entries on this forum are about people who can't find their "lives" or who are losing what they want in their lives because they are ADD. Most of them speak hopefully of the chance of having a better life now that they have been dxed and started meds.
Do you remember life before meds? Was it better than your life with meds? Do you feel that it was more authentic?

I don't think your doctor was implying that medication would make you able to access your hidden creative self, just that with meds you had a chance to find if you have a hidden creative self. Yes, sometimes it is suggested that ADDers are bright, witty and able to tap dance, but that doesn't seem to be true.(I cannot tap dance.) Meds do not give us access to superpowers, just allow us to use them if we have them and use whatever we have without being as bogged down by such things as procrastination, inability to organize, etc. Your medicated self is not a "fabricated" self nor do the meds give you your ability to be "clever" and "sage".

Your real self is made up of things like knowing you have to take meds and taking them (some people don't), worrying about taking them (some people don't), making the choice to write about this question on the forum etc. Your real self is made clear by the choices you make.

If you are suffering from major anxiety about this question, however, you might want to talk to a therapist, It sounds painful to be afraid of one's unmedicated self, which is part of the real you, as is your reaction to it.

It's normal to fear the unknown. Forget about Adderall and ADD for a second. Have you or anyone close to you ever struggled with depression? I have and my life was miserable. I cried all the time, suicidal thoughts, negative outlook, hopelessness, I felt worthless. Then I started taking an anti-depressent and my whole world changed. Should I stop taking it because the real me is the sad, suicidal one? I'm not worried about what other people think about Adderall. It works for me today. My life is better than it was a year ago before Adderall. Maybe I'll feel differently 5 years from now but I'll cross that road when I get to it. Adderall will not make you anything you weren't already. How many

Hitch said it best..."You is a very fluid thing."

Stop worrying and just be.

How am i supposed to know who i am? I don't mean to speak on behalf of other people, but it seems like some people are, to some degree or another, psychologically dependent on dexamphetamine. I have not personally been off dex for many many years, and the possibility of a day without them is a terrifying prospect.I am still me on my meds. Life is just easier and I am able to accomplish my dreams. These meds do not alter personality! I would not go off my meds, I need them. Off meds=depression relapse due to the stress of trying to deal with my disability. Would person with OCD, anxiety disorder, or a BP off their meds? Yes there is a change, but it is positive and needed. That is the way I feel about ADD meds.
I know i have not learned to deal with my own paranoia, other peoples feelings, negative self talk or periods of boredom because i have always been given access to these pills that can, to some extent, alter my mood and (dare i admit it) my personality. Paranoia? How severe? Or do you need to see a therapist? I see one, it really has helped me to grow and understand myself. I highly recommend seeing a counselor or psychologist.
I read a story on these forums from a guy and i think he called it 'my adhd downfall' and it was all about how he went off his medication, and everything he had built over the last few years crumbled around him .....This is what i am afraid of happening to me and means that taking dex is NOT really a choice. Off my meds, I struggle so much. If I was a parapalegic, I would use a wheelchair; if I was deaf, sign language; if I was blind, a seeing eye-dog. Meds are like these! No shame for them, no shame for me-or you!

how much credit can you take for the work you produce whilst on stimulant medication? Everybody says: you are accessing this creativity/ clarity of thought that is already there, just suppressed by your adhd.Absolutely true, and you can take all the credit! You earned it!

If i were really accessing my secret hidden self, why do i feel so inadequate and guilty about it? Because you were taught to doubt and question yourself and told too many negative things that were not true.
why am i so terrified of my unmedicated self if it is so close to my current reality? i have grown accustomed to this 'self' that can think of clever answers and give sage advice and sit down for long chats with friends... To lose amazing people in your life because you could no longer sustain a fabricated selfBecause you have a disability! Imagine Helen Keller without Anne Sullivan. We would never have heard her voice-through her writing! It is just easier to be you now. The meds are your Anne Sullivan!
if we can wonder how much of our ideas are derived from medication, we can wonder how much of our personality is fabricated) is a heartbreaking outcome of finding one's true self. No evidence that the medication does any of the work! It is you!!!! These meds do not create a different you, or a better you, or anything else. You are creative, you are intelligent, you are you, a good, valuable, wonderful, awesome you! It is not the dex!

I fought long and hard to get where I am now. I used to think horrible things about myself. Untrue things that echoed the statements of teachers and parents. Guess what, I like who I am! Meds help my brain function better, not perfectly. It is easier to enjoy being me now! I don't fight to think and function mentally all the time. But I am still the original one and only me. You are the original, one and only you! Ready for counseling now? It will open your eyes and give you self-understanding.

RADD

Hi Chimaera, and a warm welcome to the forums!

I agree with RADDmom that counseling might be something you'd want to look into. It would be a place where you could talk about ways to deal with others' feelings, for example, that you could use along with the medication.

You feel like the meds change your personality? I want to take that seriously (not implying that others haven't). So is it more than let's say being able to stick with a boring task that you know you couldn't have done unmedicated? Or do you feel that not being able to stick with boring tasks is a part of you, and that it's not only the ADHD? Just as an example.

How do you feel about being ADHD (regardless of if you take meds or not)? Have you come to terms with it, or do you feel like a lot of your ADHD related struggles are really due to other things like personal failures?

The people you're afraid to lose if they see you unmedicated, are they people that you don't think would accept you if you were to move around a lot while talking to them, for example?

I just want to suggest another perspective here, not to minimize any of your concerns or difficulties with the medicines....

I take asthma medication daily. If I don't, my body doesn't get enough oxygen and it changes my personality. It's not that I'm going to die (though I could), but I'll turn into a really, really slow ditzy person. No one has ever suggested that I'm addicted, because it's not like that... but I sure don't want to run out of my asthma meds. It took me months before I accepted emotionally that that didn't make me weak. It just means I have asthma.

Before asthma meds I could exercise all I wanted and didn't get any stronger. With asthma meds, I can exercise and build myself up. But if I want to get stronger, I can't just take the asthma meds.... I have to exercise too. And I can exercise all I want, but I won't get to the point that I won't have asthma any more.

I think of my ADD meds the same way. It's brain chemistry as opposed to lung chemistry, but either way I will not reach my potential, whatever that may be, if I don't take it. Meds only give me the potential, they don't do all the work for me.

I know you have a lot to deal with, but pretend for a moment that ADD didn't deal with the brain... imagine it were diabetes, or asthma, or another physical condition that can affect your personality and abilities. If that would make you feel different about taking medicine for it, that might be a key to some of how you feel.

Excellent thread - don't have anything to add, just enjoyed reading all your comments.

chaemera I get the whole duality of personality issue and the resentment that surrounds taking dexedrine (the whole am I really ADHD question or is it modified amphetamine dependence question) and that is because dex gives me the ability to see things (behaviors, deficits) that I don't notice going at warp speed. The other thing I get is using the term paranoid too much... i.e. it is most likely anxiety. Unless you really believe people are sending you hidden insults or are out to do you harm, then it is anxiety. Another example is how I used a phrase to describe how I seemed to develop... constantly starting over with a clean slate etc... and how it racked up a lot of personality disorder dx's (i.e. going from ASPD to OCPD opposit extreme things) and I described it as like having DID with no dissociation as a way to empathize with another member.

chimaera add moment on the spelling wasn't paying attn to the spelling

the drugs dont make you you or your life as it is, it only assists. In my case, School would be far more difficult, making success impossible even if I didn't have dex, but if I were to lose it I'd still try. Why? Because I love what I do and brain chemical-altering substances didn't create that. It gives me the ability to make myself do it better, but not to do it period. The meds do not create anything that wasn't already there.

I hate taking drugs, but I know I would not do as well in school without them, which is very important to me, and thats why I dont stop taking them. I have stopped taking them for the most part over my holidays here, however. I wont accomplish anyting highly productive, and I dont like that, but I dont feel like that makes me dependant.

Your fears of being off meds are self made. You CAN do things without them, you've just learned you can't. You may not do as well without them, but there has to be more than no meds to take such an effect as to devastate your whole life.