HI
I'm new thank goodness I found the site-makes me feel a normal..whatever normal is. Heres my story in a nutshell. (i haven't seen a thread about when to throw in the towel)
My BF has been recently diagnosed with ADHD-he has tried 2 meds(riddlin/concerta I think) that he says he didn't like. We love each other and he is the best person for me that I have ever met.Considerate and always doing things for me.BUT he was diagnosed about 3 months ago-he did this on his own and never told me he was looking to see what was going on.When he finally told me the diagnosis I felt he felt happy that he finally knew-and he embraced the riddalin.But then he strated drinking-regularly- I remained calm but asked if he thought it was a good idea.Verbal abuse (I like to call it barking at me for nothing) ensued. Until he called be the FB word. I wanted an apology. We were cold with each other for 2 days-then on the 3rd morning I hug him-he says its about you hug me- I say its not right to call me a FB.
He left me storming out that morning.Its been almost 6 weeks and I am a wreck but trying to saty "normal". He's living with his parents, we have spoken briefly-he says (and cries-I see the pain in his eyes):
I'm sorry for me
You don't deserve this -to suffer-find someone else
Please let me go.
I wait for you to call me..(I tell him to call me? he says no)
I have decided to let him go-which means he has to get his things from my place. A part of me feels like he is crying out for help another part says let him go.I obviously still care and worry. His parents are not the most supportive persons,in fact I don't think they know. I don't think hes in a healthy environment. As a couple we had ups and downs (more ups), and in learning more about this-and without using this as an excuse-and knowing I am not perfect-I feel like it was the ADD talking when we argued. I wish he could see that.(Or maybe I am blind)
I resigned myself to mentally prepaaring to get his stuff together to see him again-and a crazzy thought came into my mind- about trying to be his friend if he wants it (he has said i want to see you bt not talk about the ADD or the relationship-just to be).He seems too since he had also said in these latest briefest moments taht I have seen him that he misses me, would like nothing else but to be with me,but he says he can't go back and I don't deserve this. I don't think anyone wants to see a person they love in any way shape or form hurting-and I want to be supportive and work thru this togeter. Do I just let this go altogether? Do I try to let him inititate a friendship?Theres more details to this story but heres my nutshell. I feel so broken, I know hes hurting and I dont think it has to be this way,Thank you

Hi there ... I've never been on this site before but I'm home sick from work and thought I'd just "surf" a bit. So, here I am and ran into you (by the way stick with the story even though it turned out long...it has to get bad before it gets better to great to completely happy....)
First off I completely respect and admire the fact that you are attempting to understand ADHD...many people don't take the time.
I actually was on your bf's side of your dilemma about 5 years ago. I met a wonderful woman that just pretty much floored me. 6 months after we met my poor self-esteem along with numerous other "lovely" ADHD qualities (I also called her a "fb" and other barky things ~ we call it "bull snot"... it used to come around in huge drippings right before I charged...usually I think it was to seperate myself after I saw myself getting very attached and it was a way for me to protect myself and her, so I thought, from getting to attached when I wasn't good enough, normal enough etc... to be with such a great, well-rounded beautiful woman... so I indirectly decided our relationship course for us by deciding I wasn't good enough, I was too screwed up, too much baggage and could never answer the question of I wouldn't hang around with someone like me so why would she stick around? But in a brief moment of clarity, I went to my psych. knowing I was screwing up again and this time losing the most wonderful person I'd ever met. I was then diagnosed adhd and put on adderall...
(which side note on meds, personally I've gone through different meds and this one works for me but the reason is I believe mostly because I work with it...meaning it for me it helps reduce anxiety and feeling overwhelmed but it also makes my brain function in a different way. It took time and alot of trial and error of how I was used to thinking and I'm still learning year after year how to trust my brain to handle certain tasks and/or think in a different way... some of this is just growing up ...I'm 34 and still actively learning and reminding myself DAILY to do things a little more "normal", like in business meetings not blurting out what I feel is important). Back to the relationship part of things...
Your side of the story sounds exactly like a chapter from her side...she didn't know what to do with me and just kept trying to solely (because I wasn't any help) to determine what was adhd, what would i be able to overcome with age, maturity, stability and what would a newly prescribed mystery drug do/help...just like I individually made up my mind that I wasn't good enough, she took on the task individually of filtering, fixing, guiding. I had my good moments and bad/horrible ones ...but we stuck together on a strand of hope that things would get better...because we knew one thing that was solid that we did/do love each other.
The drama continued and she got worse at managing our relationship alone...she had alot of resentment that had built up over time. Then I was a complete a**hole and pulled the ultimate relationship insult and knowingly threw myself out of "us" (a one-night stand with my ex that I told her about the next day and the day after I couldn't have even told you why I did it) she still had a very difficult time and struggled with throwing me out on my butt ... we still loved each other very much ... she gave me two weeks to leave and everyday we just spooned each other and cried both knowing that I HAD to leave and HAD to have a consequence (I'd never really had one before that I couldn't weasel out of)...I left. Then I tried over and over to get her back ... no.
Then I stared at my navel in my apt for a year and started my life again and most importantly started learning how to think and just do a whole overhaul of what I was taught and threw out unhealthy coping methods. vowing that she'd been through enough and just to leave her alone and taking her words to heart that everytime I emailed/called just broke her heart all over again and it hurt her. So now a year goes by...we don't talk but I broke a couple times early in the year and emailed her but the responses as I said earlier were unchanging of it hurting her. So then like another 6 months pass we don't have any contact at all.
One night I go to the mall of america with a friend of mine and we started to talk about me entertaining the idea of starting to date again and about 10 minutes later my friend says "oh my god" ... I turn and my ex just got on the down escalator we were walking toward... I run and catch up and stammer out a "hi" at the bottom, she didn't look happy to see me and we said like two or three "how ya been" statements and then she unexpectedly throws her arms around me and all I know is everything around me disappeared...and we just stood there in an embrace for a minute or so...she then took one look at me and said something like "god not now" or "I can't do this", and walked away and I didn't move, speak, nothing I just watched her walk away. She emailed me and told me that she was with someone else (that was basically everything I wasn't at the time she was with me...older,secure,financially stable,no adhd,no baggage; even though at that point I was different, a little older, a little wiser and a little more clear on who I was...no words could have proved it and it I recognized that it was too late for action)...We told each other through an email that we still loved each other and wished the best for each other and left each other again.
Another 6-8 months pass and I had no support and was really struggling too long with a few things in my life and I called her...she called me back knowing that my call to her wasn't any cry wolf lame attempt to get her to talk about us. She knew that she was in a healthy ok part in her life and knew I needed a friend and knew that I would have survived if she didn't call but I really wanted/would appreciate her input. We talked...life was eventually ok again for me.
We continued to keep the phone/email lines open and then we took things very, very,very slow even when neither of us wanted to really but knew that we needed to make sure everything was clear/happy/right/and talked through alot before taking the risk of attempting "us" again. You'll be happy to know that there's at least one couple out there that has had a similiar hearbreak to yours and survived and we are still together and happy to boot! YEA! We will be celebrating our 5th anniversary Dec 15th this year. We still have our struggles with ADHD that sometimes is too talkative, too disruptive, screws up dates and forgets things sometimes and also I'm a paper pack rat and it drives her nuts (but it's a far cry from bull snot and is not rude/destructive/insulting).
Most of our challenges are ones that most couples deal with; We've also learned to be angry with ADHD sometimes rather than me personally (it's not to be used as an excuse but it helpful sometimes to just recognize that one person is ADHD and the other is not, it usually stirs a pretty interesting discussion on whatever mishap/communication meltdown that both people can learn from).
So in my case it worked out and her kicking me on my butt to learn how to treat people, consequences, and over all have time that no one was going to catch me and that I had to live with me and my decisions was horrible and very scary...I really don't do very well on my own...and the moments of breakdown and rebuilding that I did in that apartment realizing what I had done and all the people that I lost in my life ... I wouldn't wish those painful times that I had on anyone but in turn without looking at myself and modifying my behavior I just would have kept hurting the person I love ... me.
Now, I know enough about me...that I can contribute more to my life and also to my wife...not only does she know I love her but see sees it in my actions and knows/feels that I am with her as her spouse, best friend and lover and is secure in the fact that I will always be here. We now can face problems and challenges together. We also are able to trust each other to have our individual goals,dreams,successes and both feel backed up when it comes to life disappointments and failures (but it's cool that we're able to take positive risks even if it does fail). Love is the key to have the life you both want and dream about together ... it 's just how you get there and maintain it is the trick. She used to say to me more often than I like to admit..."you loving me has never been the problem" ... even last night we had a disagreement (we rarely fight) and we actually as goofy as it sounds thanked each other afterwards because we figured we cared us enough about our slight miscommunication to talk/argue about it instead of blowing it off.
My advise after this novel to you is first off to put you first (your bf would probably agree with me) and allow yourself to do whatever it takes to make you healthy again...I'm not you so I can't say kicking him to the curb or sticking with him is what you need at this point...no one can spur that life direction but you. Only you knows the right level of helping and hindering...
My wife during the time after I kicked myself out, lost alot of weight ... so did I ... I missed her and she says she felt empty and numb ~ I chalk this up to I missed her because she contributed so much to my life but she felt empty because I wasn't "all" there at that time.
I'm not sure if I hadn't kicked myself out with the action I knew would not be tolerated how much more time we had in that relationship ... I know it hurt to see her unhappy and hurt even worse to know that I was the cause that I most of the time couldn't predict or control at that time...
I don't know what her limit would have been ... even after we knew my action had a consequence of me leaving the house she was angry that I pulled that for obvious reasons but also because in her words she still felt even though I'm the one who disregarded and disrespected her and our relationship that she was giving up on me somehow....but explained that she was in self-preservation mode and didn't have anything else to give.
It's a hard place to be in from both sides and I wish you and your bf whether you and him are together sharing the same space or not, the strength to succeed in taking care of yourselves and finding each other eventually all over again in a brand new shared light.

HI lucky 88
THank you for sharing your story.It made me cry-I;m happy for you both and I almost must admit I kinda feel-I want what you have what u have with your gf with my bf. I am trying to get out of my pain, in fact I am going to seek counselling for myself.Its hard to have a breakup with no "real" reason? Do you know what I mean? Its like we had always talked, honest, no lying cheating-really just a smile, a look, love..its what I want back so much--that person.But I know that person has gone off to another place and wants to be left alone. Here's a longer part of the story.
First off he has 2 kids- never married the first kid he admitted that he was afriad he wouldn't have children and since she appeared to be a good mother (or would be) they had the son-but he told me she wasn't the woman for him. THe second child from the bits he has shared has indictaed to me that he was trapped-by her-he didn't want him--so today and while we were togehter I know this adds stress to how he feels too. (By the way the are great kids I had gotten to know them a little better-we took a 5 day road trip this past summer-and I think they really liked me too- 5 & 3) So he tells me now that we are in the process of leaving each other that he needs to work on himself and his relationship with the kids. He sees them fri/Sat and on Wednesday nites. At first while we were together it felt to me at the time like he almost had 2 sepearte lives (me/us and them) but he would always invite me to share in the time he had with the 2 boys. I must admit, i would like a family one day-and his 2 kids would be a part of it -I'd love that- a big happy family.
I was weary of dating someone with kids at first (im 36 hes 34) but it grew on me becuase I know myself to be someone who freaks out a little at first if somehting is outside of my comfort zone and after 2-3 days I float back down to life and I am ok. he knew about all this- i told him. The love we shared was the best love I had in my life, early on he asked me to marry me-he told me i was the one---and in my heart although I knew he did have some issues to deal with(no one is perfect-i certainly aren't)--I said yes-in my heart-blew it off to him ofcourse. Its the 4th time that someone asked me to marry them and this was the only time I truly felt honest and would make it a yes. I feel its hard to believe that he would not have meant it. My friends and everyone around us saw and would tell me things like wow-you guys are so in love-in fact we couldn't keep our hands off each other (not in a nasty way) just loving wherever we were together. Gosh, I truly miss that person.

Now about your navel, when you wrote that I feel he's like that at his parents house- starting at the wall, beating himself up. I wish he could understand that hes not alone, he told me that he was to do this on his own, that we had problems and he didn't feel right ( no kidding, I wrote out our fights and from what I ahve been learning I can see they fall under ADD but I know its not an excuse).I really tried hard. Maybe I should have tried harder when he wwas first diagnosed. One of the things I have read is that adders feel like they are lazy-because they have been called it so much. I once called him lazy-hence the FB. Which I now better understand. I just wish things were different, and I know I need to let him go-next week I am supposed to have him come over to take his things. THe worst part is -GULP_ he's my neighbour- right across the street of where I live. Hes in school now studying cabinet making (something he always talked about) he doesn't have a job and I know he feels like S***..especially with the holidays coming. Worse- his dad invited me for xmas in september! obviously that won't be happening. I just feel bad for him to be suffering.I wish he would let me love him b ut I am understanding that letting him be may be the best way to go. I don't think I can handle being his friend--but I know me--when I see him next week chances are Ill tear up and cry--I'm sure he will also--and I'd lke to offer him my friendship-along the lines of if you ever need anyhting you can call me. But to be honest--I don't know if I have the strength. This summer I quit my job and was in the dumps and he supported me so well-- I wonder at that strength--I don't like to think it was pretend. I believe it was true and real that we really found that love we all see on TV or in the movies.
All to say, is that I wish I would have a happy ending. I don't see that happening--I don't know if no contact is what he truly wants and if its the best course of action...But again like I said, I know I have to let him go--and when I told him I woul-I said it is not becauseI don't love you or support you--only that its your wish. He gave me back my house key--and when he did he asked me if it was what I wanted and I ofcourse said is it what u want---he tried to put the key on my coffee table,it dropped to the floor and he placed it on the table. We hugged, he cried,I cried...we tried to talk but I still hear himsaying nothing is chnaged-I am too good for him. He also got angry-ish ( I need to blame the disease- and said if I want to screw around I will-it came from nowhere- I didn't say anything)In fact, He did tell me during all of this that if he met someone like him he wold RUN the other way. I don't know if he said that to me to make me feel dumb--I just said- I love you,I care I don't want you to feel like you're alone.

I hope he will find himself, I hope he would understand the special stuff we had. But I know I can't be unrealistic because this is happeneing now. I have read the Halloway books (driven to distraction and delivered from distraction) they r ok-i feel they get kind of repeptitive about the synptoms and stories-which I appreciate but would love to know more about "startegies" of coping (for both of us!). THen again--he needs them more than I--and I know I cannot change or help someone if they don't want it-they have to do it on their own. I know I can't push,but its just so hard to turn my back and leave...and I don't know if i could be just a friend and not feel those "romantic" feelings. And to be honest, it so sucks that xmas is here.

THank you lucky-again for reaching out and sharing. It actually did make me feel less "alone"...go and give that wife who loves you very much a huge hug and kiss. You are both lucky and I hope we find our way someday too...

I have let him go.He came to get his stuff and is gone.I am numb and very sad needless to say esp. with Xmas coming.The thought keeps running through my head if I should contact him about xmas? A part of me doesn't want to another part says I shouldn't stop being the person I am -considerate. At the same time I am feeling a little angry at him? the add? everyhting?Is this normal. When he took his things last week he told me that no one has made such an effort as me to learn about this(I even went to see a psychologist who specializes in ADD)she told me its not me. And not to blame myself. It's driving me buts that he can function and I can't (think,focus,go to the gym ,cook enjoy things etcc) I've experienced breakups before but not because we both loved each other....any suggestions?

Learning about ADD is a very powerful thing. It sounds like your ex needs a lot of time to not only learn how to cope with ADD, but to get over all those feelings that come with that diagnosis.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. And as cliche as it may sound, I believe time truly is the only thing that will heal your pain. And it will heal.

Thank you Michiki74..I appreciate your comments. I am waiting for this yucky time to take its course. I'm glad the holidays are over, I am trying to be normal. :-)

So sorry for misspelling your name!

stilltrying,
I empathize with your story and up until a few days ago I thought my story would turn out like lucky 88. I posted a message on the Non-ADD supporters board, but thought I would post here too...

I am new here and hope that you all might be able to provide some suggetions on what I should do.

I was married for 3 years, and because my husband did not deal with his ADHD and Depression, I left and we got divorced. We have tried to reconcile and have been living together for about 9 months. He is on meds and we have been seeing a couples therapist. Things were good, talking about getting remarried and having children. Then in Nov things changed. Just seemed to get really busy and we didn't spend time together. I thought it was just the holidays and our busy work schedules but..

On Monday, he told me that he couldn't be with me and that the relationship was over. That he loved me and that he was just not supposed to be happy. I am giving him space. We are both in the house but he is sleeping in another room and we haven't spoke since Monday. He needs space he says. He didn't go to our couples therapy session this week but has an appointment with his psychiatrist in a few days. He told me about the psychiatrist appointment in email saying I have an appt, If you care....

How long do I give him space for? Does anyone have any suggestions? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thx
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Sorry, I hope this isn't to late.:(

It's hard to imagine that adhd is causing all of his behaviors. Perhaps their are other things going on as well, Depression, Anxiety, etc. I would suggest that the next time he is scheduled to see his doctor, you could sit in with him. If you go along with him you could help explain some of his behaviors to the doctor. I know he might not like this idea, it's just a suggestion.

As for the verbal abuse, it he doesn't get help soon, the damage to the relationship could be permanent. I would try to be supportive, perhaps you can tell him that if he gets help their is potential for a future between the both of you.

Hi miss123
I'm no expert but from what I have learned (here and books) selfesteem is abig issue for adhd folks-hence you writing" That he loved me and that he was just not supposed to be happy." The word happy came up alot between me and my guy.While we were seperating and he had been at his parents for about a month I asked him if he was happy without me?or in a happier place now-he told me he didn't know what happy was-so it was like me being in his life made no difference whatsoever..(not making me feel any better either). But I also "think" it has to do with feeling low and not feeling like he deserves it..know what I mean?He also had said during our brief encounters" oh yea, i'll be the sick one in the relationship and you will be the ok one".I think they feel like they are less, or do not "deserve" love etc...The bad news i have realised is "we" can't do anything about that because only you can change you...he has to figure things out-hence our sepeartion/over /breakup...

It does seem like you both were trying..esp. with couples therapy. Could it be/have been the holidays? Does he work? Is money an issue? My bf was depressed in Sept-when i mentioned Xmas-saying Oh no - no xmas this year--thats because he wasn't working-hence broke. I didn't love him for his money but him. Sadly, whatever i tried wasn't enough-I think he maybe feels "less" than me and can't come to grips--or he tries so hard and fails and he can't handle that. I'm only speculating-perhaps there's someone out here that can provide some insight...

I don't know how long to wait, is there any possibilty of rescheduling your couples therapy? An outsider(doctor,psychologist) can help, I think. I know its hurts alot,but try to be supportive, you can only judge how much time you want to give him space. I haven't seen or heard from my bf in over 2 weeks. I hate to admit it-but deep down somewhere I have a sliver of hope that he will show up and say I love you,I'm sorry for having behaved that way, I want to be us again...and work at it together..At the same time,reality bites and I m trying so hard to function normally (pleasure in life,work,eat sleep) which is hard because its so easy to slide and sit there crying for 5 hours. Miss123, I wouldn't give up, you maybe be at a bump in the road, which I am learning can be somehting that will be a normal part of life with an ADHDer....??I truly hope now, that the holidays have settled, maybe some of the pressure is gone and things will get back to normal-your normal of working at your relationship together.

I'm curious, after you divorced him for not helping himself? How/why/when did you get back together?
I want to be the lucky story too..but sometimes we don't have control over everyhting we'd like... I hope my post doesn't hurt or sadden you...all I can say is I think I truly know how you feel, and I hope you can get back to where you were before this.....I still think there's hope...
Also, have you read ADD & romance-like others have said-I think its a great book-for you and both of you when he's up to it.....
Hugs

stilltrying:
My boyfriend is ADD and I dont think our situation could be much further from exactly what you are going through. His mom actually sent me the link to your post to read as she knew it relates to us so much. I want to have him read it as a means of showing him he (and we) is not the only one going through what we are. I told her I wanted to just give you a hug because I know what you're going through. Although my BF has been diagnosed since he was young, he has never truly found a way to manage it. He used to take pills however decided at a young age to quit taking them because he "didnt have any fun" while taking them. While in hs he was very dedicated to sports and never really experienced the "highschool yrs" as many kids do. After graduating he was unsure what to do from there out..he soon started partying and having gone through that phase when I was in highschool, I wasnt so much into him being a partier. However, whenever the convo came up about it, his ADD would kick in and there'd be a fight. I learned to accept it and let him do his own thing, however he'd get after me for being a "mom" because I never went out. I felt like nothing I could do was pleasing him. ANd that caused a lot of resentment on my part. I feel like I've lost a part of myself--knowing who I am because I'm always tryin to be there for him rather than myself. He doesn't open up to people like he does me, and I feel if I'm not there for him, nobody will be. A few days ago he admitted to me (after a horrific fight) that he wants to seek help again and if it means taking his pills thats what he will do---however, another horrific fight later he still hasnt acted on it. He tends to use emotional abuse, sometimes physical, yet we keep plugging away. I know its horrible for me to continue to go back to him, but I feel like I can help him...yet when is enough, enough?

Hi Nonadder: when you said your BF tends to use emotional -- and physical -- abuse, I'm sure lots of us reacted to that. If you let him abuse you, he probably won't stop. He will probably get worse. There's no guarantee he'll ever get better, take his medication, or decide to treat you like a human being. I'm not sure what keeps you with someone who hurts you - I'm absolutely certain you don't deserve it. Please consider separating who you are from who he is and know that there's NOTHING you can to do fix him. That's his deal and either he will or he won't. Try to see yourself in the light of reality. I believe you deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who honors you and treats you with kindness and respect. He doesn't. There's no reason for him to have control over your life, your emotions, and how you feel about yourself. I often see stories on these boards about spouses who leave and sometimes the partner changes and they're able to go back (but no guarantees of course). I hope you have some friends you can lean on, family, etc. to give you real feedback. Do they know he abuses you? Anyone who loves you would tell you to set limits and if the limits don't work, to leave. First rule: get yourself out of harm's way. You should also know that he won't respect you if you don't respect yourself (as in: letting him abuse you with no consequences). This may be a good time for you to take another step in being an independent person and deciding how you will live your life. I wish you good luck.

Hi nonadder99.THanks for you post(and hug). I have to say that I agree with alagirl--its a difficult,extremely difficult thing to do to walk away from the person you love and give them space. I think I can understand the going back to him--because you care for him so deeply-and its like you hope that each time you go back he will be "better"..Alagirl says "I'm not sure what keeps you with someone who hurts you "...Logically this is true and I agree,but in this situation and because I think empotions run high?-I can understand--like I said you kinda hope it will not rear its argumentatve head. In some ways ,looking back, (as bad as it may sound) I think to myself--if I hadn't said antyhing to my bf --like I don't appreciate you speaking to me like this--maybe we wouldn't be apart now-and not talking/no contact at all. As much as it hurts,I think he needs to figure things out for himself-please remember nonadder99-we can't fix or change them-they have to want to.I hope (slightly)that my bf will work on himself--for real--and wishful thinking--that he'll say --oh I want to work on us too,im sorry etc... I don't think that is going to happen and like I have mentioned I am trying to just function like normal and get myself together. I've been doing alot of reading on ADD on the forum and books,internet....I suggest if you can sit down with him-to read some stuff,look it over,talk it through, maybe see a couples therapist ,basically work at it together I hope things work out for you both.I understand that the love you have for an ADDer is complicated and we sacrifice ourselves-but we do deserve to be treated with respect always--otherwise there really is not much there-and the abuse will wear things down in the long run. I also read about co-dependency and learned about leting go... I know these are just words, and its difficult,but stepping back may help...I'd love to hear what you decide....Be supportive but try not to let him walk all over you. A hug right back to you!

ANd one more thing-its great that his mom read this-sounds like she can be of support also.My bf's parents aren't like that (I really dont think) so I don't think hes in a "supportive" place..But I have to stop making that my problem..know what I mean?ofcourse, I still hurt but the pain is destroying who am I so I am trying hard to fight it. Sadly, I miss that "good" person and like reading on hyperfocus etc...I dn't think that will come back.I start to think-if he really loved me so much how can he stand not having any contact with me? Maybe its beyond his capacity,and all the baggage he has.But I never wanted to walk away.He shut the door. Argh, sorry I'm venting a little. Do try to let your bf know hes not alone...and good luck I really hope you don't wind up where I am..

I know its hard to understand why Im still with him--well sortof, we havent talked for a few days now, but keep telling myself he's going to call. I sometimes wonder why its so hard for me to leave also.. I think a lot of the reason we are still together is because I allow him to treat me the way he does, yet I have been tryin to work on making him know that its not acceptable, etc..but yet it always seems to happen again. With the abuse, its not like beating me up to the point of no survival, its like a push, the latest was a punch in the back, yet I know when he's doing this, its the ADD. He is not the guy that would do somethign so horrible, yet I know I cant let him or myself use that as an excuse. He knows its not right, yet when we fight (bad) he gets a look in his eyes..and its a look that he's capable of doing anything. I know its best for me to just leave when we start arguing, let him cool down and then we talk about it later when he's had time to think. Yet, that strategy doesnt always work either. I want to be able to help him, he's trying/tried to reach out to me for that and I feel like I can't let him do it on his own because it will never happen then. I have thought for the last 2 yrs (the hardest for us) that we were going to be together forever, I still believe that, its just how do we get there? Thats why its so hard for me to just pull away. I know I can't keep putting myself through this, yet I continue to do it. I really do love him, and I feel like he loves me, I just think theres so many other issues he has to deal with, he doesnt know how to handle everything.
His mom is very supportive. She's my best friend, whenever I need something, I go to her...and I know its wearing down on her sanity because she has to look at it from how many perspectives...so maybe this forum will help me draw back from telling her everything....ahhh, feels so good to vent!

nonadder99---it is totally not acceptable for him to "punch you in the back". Ironically, when I spoke up at the verbal abuse with my bf--and this all happened--it dawned on me --I thought about all those stories and movies I heard about women getting abused (in any way) by men--and why they would not leave. I would be shocked... As someone who never experienced anything like this--aside from the verbal abuse from a man I loved--I think I "saw" how hard it is to leave.. And its extremey hard to walk away--and I hate to say this but it will only be worse if you land in the hospital...I know its hard-you want to do everyhting you can but try to understand that being the punching bag will get both of you nowhere. I take it you both live together? is there anyway you could seperate-maybe meet publicly-like in a doctos/therapists office....For lack of a better analogy the light bulb has to go off in his head..and you've paid the electric bill--but you do not have to turn on the lights--he has to do that. It's not healthy.Please find the courage to take care of yourself--as dark as it may seem at the moment....

I have read/seen the same things your talking about, women being abused and unable to leave. I never thought I would put myself in that situation, however, he rarely gets physical, has never bruised me or anything like that, but to me, its more an emotional thing..why would someone who loves you so much put you in so much pain--literally? Its a hard concept to think that I am in the situation. I do have to say, I would much rather be physically abused than emotional. Physical pain goes away, whereas emotional abuse lasts longer and completely degrades a person. Not that one is any more acceptable than the other, but any person who knowlingly emotionally abuses another, is totally unaware of the problems it can cause within that person. I always say, I can forgive, but I can't forget. I know I would never let myself let it go to the extent of being hospitalized..and I know he wouldnt either. I just hope there is a way he can find to begin dealing with this cuz I can't do it on my own like you said. He's admitted he needed help, now its time to act on it. I told him I wasn't going to be with him again until he can show me that he is serious about getting help and I told him I would be there for/with him when he makes that decision--thats been a week ago now. Hopefully can find the strength to make things better. Feels so good to find people who understand...soo good!

I think I understand-I'm no expert-my bf hit his ex in the cheek with a material key chain holder--she took him to court for that--then decided to drop charges because she said he overeacted. He told me this at the beginning of the relationship-he was apologetic and also told me-prctically begged me to saty--that he would chnage-he would do anything-and that I was the best thing in his life. I was scared and in shock--but I stayed because I believed he would work on himself becuase I saw past that and saw the good traits.....that gave me a little life with him and hopes for the future.forgive me but I feel alittle angry almost 10 weeks later--if he had such strong feelings-why is it so easy for him to stay away? I live across the street,have a hardline,cell phone 3 email addresses he knows of--nothing. In fact 3 days before xmas he returned to my house to my mom who was here and i wasn't--some xmaas things i had bought with him late summer for his kids (he actually chose them). Now would it have killed him to just give it to his kids at xmas? he never did have to say it was from me.. It feels selfish to me after ofcourse,i lamented and cried for 5 hours.In all honesty,him returning those kids books and (btw-i had inlcuded a wine book i bought for him-he was selective he kept that)makes me feel like he spat in my face. It hurt so much to have seen those things here. I don't have kids-so I gave them away to a charitable cause-- I don't know why your post reminded me of this. In some ways-its almost like I see me in you- hoping-believeing--but sadly, my bf threw in the towel without even "talking" really talking to me. So where is all that love now? Dunno if its been a long day-or I am just afraid that you will give 150% of yourself into someone who will walk away, and you'll be left hurt wondering if was all or part ADD or you.Someimtes it feels like a fine line--know what I mean?
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you really have to go on and take care of yourself and terryfying as it is. You can't save him.And I know I can't save my bf, and when I get sad and cry I remember all the nice things that I hoped would grow into a long term committment--but I have to remind myself somehow that he was the one with issues, I didn't show up with all this baggage and I tried so hard. So,in some ways dear internet person-you do sound alot like me, and my story has ended sadly. Shreds of hope come and go---and thats the hard part. Don't make excuses--in any way--if he was ADHD? would you react the same way? Somehow I think you would leave --easier--but because of the sweetness you experienced with him you hope. It sounds just like me. maybe, my anger is now kicking in--and maybe its part of the healing...don't know but don't scarifice yourself because it may get worse before it gets better--to quote lucky 88....thanks for letting me vent again. And sorry for all the long posts everyone..

Sorry I meant if he didn't have the adhd label...somtimesi type too slow/fast for my brain..

Im not so sure I would put up with it if he wasn't ADD. I want to believe I wouldnt? I just see so much hope with him, we have SOO much fun together, I dont think I could ever be myself with someone else like I can him. Maybe its just that we've been together for so long. My aunt said something to me today that I've been thinking about.."you tend to wonder if youre still with them because thats what it feels like you should do, or if its because you really want to be with them" it makes me think..it is all I have known, all our friends are mutual, we really dont have a separate group of friends..as I lost contact with mine because I was always with him. I need to re-establish that I think. Considering I'm only 20, I know I shouldnt be dealing with these issues, and I know I am WAY more mature than him. I have waited for so long, yet I feel like I can't jus throw in the towel. Theres a part of me that wants to just give up--as it seems he has cuz I still havent heard from him, however, there's a part of me that feels like in the end he's going to realize he needs me. I hope he does, I hope he takes the measures he needs to, but in not talking to him and him ignoring my calls is getting me to the angry point. Why am I the one that is trying...why can't he? As much as I want to be with him, I dont know how much more of this I can take. I think I deserve to be treated better than that..I KNOW I do. HHHMMm...see what the days ahead bring..
let me ask you...if he came back to you right now, vowed to change, vowed you guys would go to counseling, etc, what would you do? would you give him the chance, or not?

I must admit your last lines threw me for a loop (and also that you're 20--:-) you seem really mature for 20 (its a compliment) and I will be an old ahem-37 on Friday). Would I take him back? Hmm, I would have to see him changed somehow--and making an effort to continue that for himself and work on us.I would def. be into couples therapy etc, but not as a vow from him only--but a some type of "apparent" change. Some thing I could see and almost have as tangible-and not just feelings..I can't take any more broken promises. Gettting to the point where i am at I think I would go nuts. Now, I'm a very young at heart 37 :-) (almost) and shamefully??? I would try,yes, because of how I feel when I am with him and how much he brings to my life and our life together. I miss him horribly,and it really pushes me over the edge sometimes (I can sit and cry and cry-its awful)..I don't feel I can hope..I haven't heard a peep from him in over 2 weeks (our breakup was long and drawn out) and I have never been away without him without contact for so long.

Don't call him, I think you're only setting yourself up for diappointment..he has to come around. I have no idea how long that would take or if you should take my advice. You have to do what feels right for you-but recognize the boundaries. I like what your aunt said. I someitmes, when I was with him saw problems, and someitmes felt I should be there--always hanging onto that hope of-wow he's gonna do what he's promised. I think the best advice I've gotten and am trying-gulp-hard to do is take care of myself..and u should too. I really feel I understand where you're coming from, and I don't want to be the old lady preaching (no offense to anyone in my age group) but really, you are so young--and maybe you don't deserve to be putting yourself through something like this. How old is he? Having ADHD-no offense to ADDERS-doesn't give youa right --the way i look at it is if my doctor told me I had a "label" of sorts-I would want to learn about it for myself- you can't be happy or whole with someone if you don't take care of you first---and I feel like a broken record -and although I believe you mean well....HE has to make the effort. I'd love to hear from some of the ADDEr's who are learning...are you a different breed-or do you need to hit rock bottom to have that spark of change?And the hyperfocuse that reels us in non-adders...is that just a function of ADD? (I use adhd/add inetrchnagebaly-sorry?)Like you,nonadder99, I'm sure you also have a hard time believing that all the nice stuff was pretend--especially because it was so over the top from anyhting you've experienced before? I want to thank you for all these exchanges-they help me and I hope in some way this forum can help you too...Please take care of you...reconnect with your friends,get a support system going for yourslef and unfortunately as the old cliche goes---time ,time, heals...easier said than done.

He is 20 also...Im going to be 21 next month and him not until the middle of MAy. I have always believed that once I turn 21 I will be able to go out and do things without him as many of my old friends are 21 now, so that would help reestablish the friendship, without him having a part in that. Ive always known and been told I'm way more mature than I look/should be, but I think its a good thing, for me and for him. I have a way of stabalizing him, although he acts like he doesnt like it, I think he needs that. He always calls me Mom, which bothers me...but girls just mature a lot faster than boys..and in our case MUCH faster!! His mom will call and check in on me, tell me to just focus on myself and take care of myself, however, thats hard to do when I feel the way I do. I know if it doesnt work out, theres a reason and I will be okay, its just getting there---time. Its like Carrie Underwood says in one of her songs.. "I know theres a blue horizon somewhere up ahead just waiting for me, but getting there means leaving plans behind, sometimes lifes so bittersweet." couldnt be said better!
I totally understand what you mean when you say you would try to understand the "label" and I think he would too, he just has never liked to admit theres anythign wrong with him, he's a firm believer in not taking pills because its altering your body----however so does alcohol-but try telling a guy that right? ha, Im just ready to give up..

I wish you luck nonadder9. I feel I have come to the point of really feeling sick of being sad. I saw him thru my window this morning-I just stood there and stared-funny for me-I didn't cry- I don't think he saw me.He has one item still left at my place on the balcony-I have decided to throw it out-he knows it here and I don't need another reminder.. I have to let go of all of this-no sense punishing myself.He played house with me for over a year and left me. There's nothing I can do. I hope you find peace and I wish you the best. You do have your whole life ahead of you-too bad you're learning such a hard lesson so young :-)..THanks for reading all these long posts everyone-and to those who replied. I appreciate it.

I thought I would give an update on where I am at with my husband. After not speaking for 5 days I pushed it (which I know I shouldn't have) and tried to talk to him. We got no where except he got frustrated and became very blunt about he just didn't want to be with me. He is sleeping in another bedroom and we are not talking at all. I have been talking to his sister which has been so helpful. She tried to reach otu to him and he didn't want it. So as it stands now he wants out of this relationship.
I am just trying to survive right now.
Still trying - you asked why we got back together after being separated/divorced for a little over 2 years. Well, we never stopped talking to each other the whole time. We love each other. He was ready to take responsibility for his condition. So we starting dating and going to therapy and he worked with his dr to get on the right meds. things were good. We moved back in together. Started talking about getting married again. Started talking about having children. Started to see out couples therapist less often because things were good and she felt like there wasn't much she could help us with . We "graduated" to seeing her every 6 weeks. And then BAM he doesn't want to be with me. I know that there is something else that is trigering this. He has trouble with the holidays and between Thanksgiving and xmas, he has to deal with anniversaries of 2 close family members deaths. and he has SAD. And I understand all of that....I honestly do, but I am not sure how much more I can handle without falling into a depression state too. Today was a good day because I got out of bed and didn't stay in bed curled up in a ball crying.

Miss123, I see where you're coming from.I'm sorry for al the hurt. As i have been learning ADHD doesn't go away-its not like a cold-its something that needs to be worked at-kind of like a lifestyle change- could a good analogy be like going to the gym and keeping healthy? Nonadder99 asked me if I would take him back in a previous post. I think that if that would happen--and I ain't holding my breathe- seeing "someone" as a lifestyle choice, regular basis woul be part of life--ofcourse I could deal with that. But hence hes gone.

What do you think your next steps will be-like how long will you wait for something to change or live in a space seperately-I don't want to be nosey- but it must be treacherous foryou that you feel his presence..Is there any way you think you could get back onto that lifestyle change I spoke of? You did it before and thigns were good-and its just something to keep working at and chipping away. My heart goes out to you--I now this isn't fun...Take good care...

And i am glad you got our of bed. And I finally went to the gym for the first time since October.Little steps.

Stilltrying,
I do not know how long I can handle living in the same house but never being in the same space. It is trying. I try not to be home when he is home. I try to keep busy. Going to the gym and going tanning and then treating myself to a bowl of ice cream...
I asked him if he would go back to see our couples therapist, he said no. He sister told him that he needed to talk to someone. Whatever he is going through he is not able to see that is what he needs. He does have an appt with his psychiatrist tomorrow, but whether he goes or not who knows. I have a call into our couples therapist to let her know the status and she if she will try to reach out to him on elast time. She suffers from ADHD so she understands. I see my therapist tomorrow and for now I am just trying to survive and keep getting out of bed.
Good for you for getting to the gym. That is great and you should be proud of yourself. Like you said little steps. Find something that makes you feel good about yourself. But also know that it is ok to be sad and cry too.
Stay strong.

I have cried alot-unfortunately. As you know its painful and sad.I hope your couples therapist offers a suggestion...Keep taking care of you ,too!

How sad is it that I am dreading going home? It is such a horrible place right now. I have to go home and take care of my puppy so there is no way of avoiding it...and I don't know if he will go home or not so I can't rely on him to take care of the dog right now. I am sitting here at work, not able to concentrate on anything and trying to fight back the tears. No one here at works knows anything. I have only been at the company for about a year and they all just think that I am married. It was easier to say that then I am dating my ex husband. But I feel so alone in this whole mess. Sometimes I am ok and then BAM it just hits me and it is so overwhelming....

I Know all about that BAM..I'm sorry its happeneing to you at work.try to remind yourself that the BAM will pass and with every day you gain strength-breathe...Unfortunately, time has to keep us moving forward. Nice you have a puppy to greet you at home :-).....OH--and something I also did with my ex--and actualya therapist I saw (once and may see again--on my own) specialising in ADHD--I had some stuff I wanted to tell my ex when we broke up and she told me he prob. didn't have the head space for it-she suggested I write letter-that its tabgible and he could go back to it...Maybe you could conisder getting something down on paper? My letter I think was sweet and kind and he returned his kids stuff right beofre xmas-so it didn't change anyhting-nor did i get a response or expect one..(sorta did but not going to happen---)--but it did help me get stuff off my chest...Maybe it could help you..Hang in there--

I think that some people can get into rel'ps and stay b/c of pity more than love. It is easy to confuse the two.

Do you love and respect and honor this person, or do you feel sorry for him [and hope he will change].

Cheryl Richardson, in one of her books -- talks of the idea of "giving up good for great". (Or, giving up a situation that is 'less than okay' for great.)

We are often too scared to --> Give up an unfulfilling job for a chance at a great one; same with rel'ps.

Why do you feel that you deserve a less-than-great rel'p? [Sometimes the more challenged our self-esteem is, the more we are willing to compromise our true needs in a rel'p. In a worst-case scenario, this is why people might stay with bad-for-them, or bad partners. They don't FEEL that they can do better. And feelings aren't always rationale.]

I wish feelings were rationale. I don't think we ever start of falling in love with someone where therre is pity...

Hi--if anyone is listening I wanted to give you an update 4 months later. No my bf has not contacted me(nor I). After 4 months of hell- phones calls at my place for him, seeing his parents and just staring (and vice versa) and seeing my ex on the street a few times..(no contact),not sleeping etc...I think I can say I am finally getting out of my hole. So, I offer to anyone still there-the truth (as I did learn here also) that time (that old cliche) will help. Its been a week since I have been at the gym (everyday--to get rid of the break up fat) seeing a therapist once a week,(its been over a month) and last nite I did something I used to love to do--I bought myself a huge bouguet of fresh flowers for my place.(baby steps.) I also wanted to share something someone by the the name of artemis who posted on another forum. It really hit home for me because this shed alot of light on my last couple of months with my ex-and his behaviours (I've been tempted to share with him--but hes cut me out of his life so I dont think its a good idea). Ofocurse, I still love him and have pretend converstaions with him in my head....but its really sinking in that this has to be put behind me,that me comes first and I have to move on. He didn't have the strength to better himself and have a healthy relationship.... (sorry had to add that)

Best of luck to everyone who ever wears my shoes. It TRULY gets better (eventually).
here's the post: (and thank you artemis)
FYI, everyone...

David Wexler wrote a good book on this, "Is He Depressed or What?" (see
below)

Whatever you do, don't call it "depression." Some guys will admit to being
nervous or uptight or whatever, but they will not admit to depression.

Depression often co-exists with ADHD, alcohol can worsen the depression, and
stimulants can actually back-suppress serotonin (linked with depression) in
parts of the brain. That might be just one of the reasons why an
anti-depressant is often prescribed with the stimulant.

Depression, the other side of the coin
When the West Australian premier Geoff Gallop announced in January that he
was going to step down to seek treatment for depression, he was taking a
brave step.

As the psychologist David Wexler says, a depressed man is about as likely to
ask for help as he is to ask for directions.

According to Wexler, the author of "Is He Depressed or What?", a help manual
for the wives, girlfriends and partners of depressed men, male depression is
profoundly underdiagnosed.

One reason for this, he says, is that depression often shows up in men as
sullen irritability, impatience, crankiness and anger, especially towards
the people who are closest to them.

Most depressed women have the classic symptoms: feelings of anxiety, fear,
sadness and hopelessness.

They overanalyse, develop eating disorders and are unable to experience
pleasure, a condition called anhedonia.

Men can also suffer from "typical" depression but, Wexler says, depressed
men are more likely to suffer from "male-type depression". They will
complain of physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach-aches and extreme
fatigue rather than talk about what is really bothering them. They may
become workaholics, have affairs, take risks and act recklessly, cast blame
and behave antagonistically, especially towards their partners.

Blame is a key warning signal for the partners of depressed men. "I felt
bad, didn't like it and didn't know what to call it," is the example Wexler
gives in his latest book. "So I looked around and found someone whose fault
it might have been. Hers."

Brain research, led by Professor Adrian Raine, a psychopathologist at the
University of Southern California, suggests that a depressed man may engage
in a pattern of blaming, angry or explosive behaviour because his body may
be getting a real charge from it.

"He sees you and the kids and Mr Hyde emerges," says Wexler. "He is
desperately searching for something to be ****ed off about, and when he
finds the excuse he is looking for, he blows up. He is addicted to anger
because it lifts him [temporarily] out of depression and gives him the jolt
of energy he craves."

For the partners of men with male-type depression, Wexler cautions: you want
to support the man in your life without crossing over the toxic line into
being an enabler.

To help ensure this doesn't happen, he advises: "Don't make excuses for his
bad behaviour, remember that you can't control what he thinks, feels or does
and, as best as possible, do not allow his moods to disrupt your normal
family routines."

Does anger also equal adrenaline?
Yes. And adrenaline gets converted to other brain chemicals
they are short on. The problem is that it's much better to
get those chemicals a different way. The adrenaline isn't
good for them or anyone around them in the long term. If I
recall correctly, there are studies where lab rats are kept
in an extremely high adrenaline state for long periods of
time...which causes them to die young...but after a certain
point they are literally living on adrenaline and die even
sooner if you remove it. It tears up your body AND your brain
over time.



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