Hi everyone, I'm a brand new member and am trying to read up on all the threads here and have a couple questions. The background - my boyfriend and I have been together 9 months, we are both 29, he is ADD and I am not. He was diagnosed around age 12-13. He was on medication at that time but has not used medication since he was 15 or 16.

I read A.D.D. & Romance by Jonathan Halverstadt over the summer and it really helped me to start to understand what my BF is going through. My BF says he is "combination type" ADD - both hyper and un-focused/withdrawn.

The problem in our relationship is that his coping skills are fantastic for his hyper moments but virtually non-existent for the withdrawn times. His withdrawal is really hard on me and for a while I was convinced he didn't care anymore but he kept saying everything was fine. I was finally able to explain my feelings like this: "it's as if my feelings of love and closeness go out looking for your feelings and don't find them. So my feelings feel unnoticed and withdraw and I'm left feeling like there is no connection between us." He insists it's just because he's "spaced out" and can't pull himself back into focus with the moment. I believe him because he is really tender and considerate when he isn't "spaced out." It would be ok if it were once in a while, but it is much worse when he is stressed out and he some family & work stress that are really weighing on him and have been for a while. (I think he might benefit from therapy anyway for stress reduction and the family issues (they go way back to childhood) but he is less than enthusiastic. I don't want to force my opinion on him, but these issues are affecting our relationship and I really want, well I want to be with him but I really just want him to be happy, you know?)

Anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how we can deal with this? Or, does anyone have any advice on current therapy/medication for this type of ADD or adults with ADD? I really want to be supportive - but I hate feeling "disconnected." :(

Welcome Jsah. I can only adress the inattentive portion of the combined type, speaking for myself (long story short: I was once combined for Impulsivity but I have "grown out" of that bit). SPECT scans have shown that the ADHD brain has some portions that do not activate properly, they are slow and under pressure, the scans show that those portions of the brain actually begin to shut down. In other words, more pressure means more spaciness.

Why did he stop taking his medication? Can he start taking it again or possibly seek another type of med? The meds will be able to address both the hyperactivity and the inattention.

Thanks for your response. Quick question about the SPECT scans - do you mean physical pressure or emotional stress=pressure?

He says he stopped using medication because he felt like a zombie and that he was incapable of making a decision. He is kind of anti-medication, he wants to do things himself, but he was on meds about 14 years ago - I'm sure they've improved since then! I will try to talk to him about meds - I'm just afraid of sounding pushy.

The SPECT scans addressed the ability to focus. I am hoping you have some knowledge of ADHD and if not, ask away ok? We cannot MAKE ourselves focus and when pressured to focus, that's when the scans show decreased activity. That decreased activity is what the meds address :) it speeds that activity up to "normal" levels and we begin to be able to focus without shutting down.

This does not, of course, mean we want to focus :eyebrow: we ADDers are very boredom and repetition averse. If its not something we enjoy or want to do, we still have to exert some degree of effort to get past that natural aversion. The meds make it possible, but we do have to put the energy into it too.

As far as emotional stress/pressure, well, that is distracting to you isn't it? Without ADHD I guess you are able to push that distraction aside, but we with ADHD are attuned to distraction. Even on my meds if I am stressin? I may lose my usual degree of medicated focus.

What meds was he on as a child? Yes, meds have improved a great deal and there are many new ones available, although good ol' Ritalin is still being used, It sounds to me like he may have been a bit over-medicated (possibly because his hyperactivity was high) or possibly improperly medicated (because the options just were not there at that time).

Do you have any good books on ADHD?

I am just kind of leaping randomly here, I know it, but I am hoping to keep you engaged, learn a bit more about the situation and honestly? I did not get proper sleep last night and lack of sleep also has a negative impact on ADHD. I am fully medicated but not at my peak ability. I will try though!

Thank you Crazy~Feet, this is very helpful. I really appreciate you taking the time to help.

My knowledge of ADHD is mostly due to what my BF has explained about his particular experiences with it; I read ADD & Relationships, and some of the websites I've seen listed on this site (Mayo Clinic, for example). Is there any book you'd recommend?

I don't know what meds he took as a child, I can ask, but I'm not sure he'd even remember.

I do understand that he can't make himself focus. We've had some good coping strategies that so far have worked when it's kind of important that he focus. That's not the problem, really. The thing that isn't working is that the emotional connection disappears during those times, too. Like, he could be just any guy and isn't really present emotionally. Does that happen with the inability to focus, too?

Definitely things get worse with stress and I certainly don't want to add his stress level - I'm just trying to learn as much as I can so we can have the best relationship possible - for both of us.

YVW I like to help :).

Bookwise I would definitely read the "Distraction" Series from Hallowell & Ratey; there are several books all with "Distraction" in the title. The ones I have read are "Driven To Distraction", "Answers To Distraction" and "Delivered From Distraction".

As for disconnecting emotionally, that may just be a guy thing too. Pick up a copy of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" too while you are at it, it cannot hurt ;). I happen to believe that I do not disconnect emotionally when I totally space out simply because I am female.

He may actually be so terribly distracted that he seems like he is not there and he is in there somewhere too. Only he will be able to determine that and that may take some time.

Keep us posted please?

I will definitely keep the board updated. I feel so relieved to have found it! :) Thank you for the book suggestions.

I will definitely keep the board updated. I feel so relieved to have found it! :) Thank you for the book suggestions.I was diagnosed 2 months ago with ADD. Delivered from Distraction is WONDERFUL book. My wife has since read it and I have told my family to read it.

I am now reading You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. This is another wonderful book that really explains what it is like to have ADD. What I'm learning is the hyper side of ADD occurs in the inattentive ADD types as a way to counter the hypo feelings. Whew.

NJTrout

Deep intamacy can be problematic when you have adhd. It's kinda hard (impossible, really) for an ADDer to always be focused when someone needs you to be "in the moment" with them. But, I think you will find that when your SO is there he is really there and very deeply focused on you and will just as suddenly skip off to something else like a hummingbiird (It's called hyperfocus). We can't control our hyperfocus, but most of us learn to make use of it when it happens.

ME :D

jsah1977, can you give me an example of the things that he does that makes you feel disconnected?
Does he go MIA every now and then? Does he not call when he's focused on something else? Is he really attentive and affectionate one day, then disappear the next?

I'm also dating a guy with ADHD (medicated) and I'm always suffering from the same feeling of disconnect.
I was wondering if their behaviors are similar.

I learned from this forum that I shouldn't take these incidents personally (very very hard to do) and that I should point out what is bothering me directly and clearly, and give him a detailed solution (i.e. "I need to make plans for this Saturday, can you call tonight and let me know?").
It's so hard to do this because I genuinly get offended and upset and my first reaction is to "lash out"... Or I can't help acting hurt...
I'm dealing with this situation as we speak... We were close, hot and heavy just this weekend (he told me how much he cares about me) then he had the kids on Monday and then a business trip out of town, and woosh, he's gone.... Not a call or email cometh.

If I may vent a little... I just don't GET IT...
I imagine him at the airport waiting for his flight and I think "why wouldn't he want to talk to me?" I imagine him sitting in his hotel room flipping through channels and I think "why wouldn't he want to know how my day was?".

I asked him if he can make it to a dinner with me this Friday, and no response/contact from him what so ever...
I am torn between sending him an email saying "Never mind about Friday, I'll go alone", OR doing the complete opposite and writing "I'd really like you go to so can you contact me to let me know?"

A relationship with a ADHDer definitely requires a unimaginable amout of maturity... Do I have it? Maybe not.
Still deciding.

Hope you can share some incidents in detail.
Hope someone can tell me how I should handle my current situation as well.

Thank you!!

I can understand what you are going through, but I also understand what happens with your boyfriend. I have ADHD, combined type, and I have ALWAYS had this issue in relationships. I actually had a guy I dated say "do you always blow so hot and cold? If I stuck my tongue to your shoulder, would it stick?" Yeah, he got a dear John email (and the funny thing is, his name IS John!). I cannot explain why I do it, but I often drift off in relationships. One day I am with the person all day and love it, then the next day I don't return the phone calls. It is a cycle that occurs over and over again, regardless of who I am dating. I always said that I had to have my "space and independence" but I think it had a lot to do with the ADHD (as I am now learning). When he says everything is fine, he really means it. In his mind it is. But every time you put your feelings out there, they may not be addressed right away. I am sure he knows you love him and he loves you. But the tendancy to "space out" or "trail off" will always be there. It is who he is. It is hard for most partners to deal with and a lot of relationships end because of it. But, you are making an effort to understand ADHD and by doing so, you are making an effort to understand him.

There are many medications out there now that are better than the ones 14 years ago. They do have side effects, and if he is anti-medication, he may not be willing to try any of them. Therapy might be a good idea, but only if he is interested in doing so. For me, when I get really stressed and start having problems, I internalize things. I have so many thoughts running through my head that it is hard to express in words. And I am afraid that if I tried I would end up in the "lunny bin."

I wish I had answers for you but I don't even have answers for myself. I wish you guys luck in this, it sounds like you really care and that is a good thing!

Okay, after posting the above I took my own advise and wrote him this:
"Hi. I was hoping you can let me know about Friday. I'm hoping we can let them know by tomorrow. Hope you can make it."

So I chose the mature route... It's so tough because I think "why should I have to REMIND him to keep me in mind... It should come naturally"... but I guess that's not the case with ADHDers...

So I repeat to myself "I know he cares. I know he cares. I know he cares"

I'll let you know what happens.

Keep reminding him. He will get the point. For some things you just need to remind him.. because he tends to forget.
I can't tell you how many times I've forgottent about plans , dates , appointments, important phone numbers, etc... you name it, I have forgotten it at one time or another.

Try as I might I can not change it. I'm putting myself in his place. I think maybe he would appreciate a gentle nudge once in a while (or even an in-your-face reminder). :p

It's partly a guy thing... it is almost a joke.. "I told you I love you 10 years ago dear, I can't see why you need to hear me say it again..." :eek: I think ADHD enhances that tendency a bit.

One of the fundamental properties of a mind with ADHD is a tendency to "seek to the stimulus". We tend to be focused on whatever the stongest, most persistent stimulus is. Typically it is something visual or auditory, depending on the learning style of the ADDer. So yes, we are kind of trapped in a moment, focused on whatever has our attention at the time. If there is too much going on at the same time , we tend to overload and we get even more scattered. YES, we do need to be reminded, or we WILL forget. :faint: Our brains are pretty much hard-wired to be that way.

Me :D

msam76, thank you for your very helpful insight...

I have a question about what your bf sees as "hot and cold". When you "drift off", are you actually still "hot" for them or are you actually feeling "cold"?
What I mean is, when you're drifting off, are you still feeling strong towards him inside but just can't show it or act on it? Or are you actually feeling "agh, whatever... Not that important to me. Won't bother returning calls."

It's so hard to understand how someone can feel one thing, but do the complete opposite...

I just get so worried that when he's drifting off, he's actually turned "cold" about the relationship too...

At least in a non-ADHDer's world, that is always the case. Because even if they are busy or distracted or "don't feel like it" for a brief time, they still come around after a short period of time and make sure they keep the relationship that is important to them by doing what they need to do.

msam76, thank you for your very helpful insight...

I have a question about what your bf sees as "hot and cold". When you "drift off", are you actually still "hot" for them or are you actually feeling "cold"?
What I mean is, when you're drifting off, are you still feeling strong towards him inside but just can't show it or act on it? Or are you actually feeling "agh, whatever... Not that important to me. Won't bother returning calls."

It's so hard to understand how someone can feel one thing, but do the complete opposite...

I just get so worried that when he's drifting off, he's actually turned "cold" about the relationship too...

At least in a non-ADHDer's world, that is always the case. Because even if they are busy or distracted or "don't feel like it" for a brief time, they still come around after a short period of time and make sure they keep the relationship that is important to them by doing what they need to do.
It is always a comfort to me knowing that there is someone there who loves me. Sometimes I just don't think about returning calls or emails. Sometimes I just don't think about them at all for a day. Not really a bad thing, I am usually busy with work or one of my dogs or the family. I still need that "space" to just be me. Everyone always says that they will love their ADDer regardless of who they are; you tell them "you can be yourself around me, honest!" Please keep in mind that we have been told this before, some of us many times, and we later find out that the fingers were crossed when they said "honest." You very well may be sincere, I think you are, but to him it may be a line he has heard several times before, and ended up being betrayed. Some ADDers may have trust issues and it may take several months or years before they are able to open up.

But, in some relationships, I actually do turn "cold." I lose interest. It is not because the person is not a good person or not right for me, I just get bored. He may be experiencing that. I don't want to hurt you by saying that and I am sorry if I did. When relationships are new they are exciting. After you have been together for a bit, things are "comfortable." This is normal for most relationships, but for some (and I stress SOME) individuals with ADD/ADHD comfortable turns boring. This is not true for everyone, it is true for me. When that comment was made to me, I was undecided about the relationship but still interested in him. I honestly just spaced out for a couple of days doing my own thing. It is hard to find people who understand exactly what goes on in the mind of an ADDer and each one of us is different.

jsah1977, can you give me an example of the things that he does that makes you feel disconnected?
Does he go MIA every now and then? Does he not call when he's focused on something else? Is he really attentive and affectionate one day, then disappear the next?From reading a lot of the posts on the board I can see that my BF is doing a great job of coping. He calls, he emails, he writes things down so he'll remember to do them. He does, however, have a problem with follow-through. For example, we'll talk about going to see a play or something and he'll say "great idea!" but then never get tickets. I understand now that that is part of the ADHD and so I will say, "OK, should I get tickets or will you?" and I will help him to make a definite plan. If we're making plans for the weekend he'll say, "well maybe I'll go see the guys" and I always say, "that's fine, just tell me in enough time so that I can make plans too." And really, he is very considerate of my time. Not 100% all the time, but really he's very good about it.

But the part that I'm having the most trouble with in the disconnection is for example: when we first starting dating he was always touching me - not in a sexual way, but holding my hand or rubbing my back and putting his hand on my knee - it was protective and sweet, but never possessive and I loved it. That has gone WAY down. Now, some of that I can attribute to the relationship not being brand new anymore and that would happen anyway, but I really miss it. But if I initiate the contact he doesn't tend to reciprocate except in almost a zombie-like way. I was feeling bad about this and we did discuss it and he says it has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about me, but I still miss the affectionate displays.

Another example: he'll ask me a question, like "how was your day" and then instead of having a conversation he'll respond with "uh-huh", "right", or "ok" and he doesn't engage in the conversation. I know he's listening, and he could repeat back to me what I said, but it's not a conversation - I feel like I'm talking at him.

Or, and this is the part that hurts the most, I'll want to express my feelings to him and say those sweet things we tell the one we love and I'll get a joke or an "uh huh" in return. :(

I try to be patient, he tells me all the time how lucky he is and always says, "how do you put up with me?" and mostly it's not hard, believe me, he's a sweetheart - I just don't feel like he's engaged or taking an active role in the relationship... I um.... usually initiate other stuff too...ifyouknowwhatImean.

It's like he's doing and saying all the right things - but there's no spark of life behind it. And that is confusing the heck out of me. Part of me feels like a jerk for complaining when he is such a great person, but I also feel like, "well, don't I deserve to feel - not just believe - that I'm loved too?"

He definitely comes from a family that doesn't show affection so I understand these things might be hard for him to do anyway so basically I'm trying to figure out if any of this sounds familiar to other people or is it maybe just him and more due to his upbringing?

Deep intamacy can be problematic when you have adhd. It's kinda hard (impossible, really) for an ADDer to always be focused when someone needs you to be "in the moment" with them. But, I think you will find that when your SO is there he is really there and very deeply focused on you and will just as suddenly skip off to something else like a hummingbiird (It's called hyperfocus). We can't control our hyperfocus, but most of us learn to make use of it when it happens.

ME :D
Thank you for your comment. My BF and I have a code - when I want to say something important or discuss something important I say, "I want to talk about something important so I need you to focus" (this is what he asked me to say). Then he makes an effort to focus. If he really can't, I always say, "ok, we'll discuss this later" and drop the subject. The problem is more, even when he hears what I've said, he doesn't really respond - he isn't engaged. He can get hyperfocused - but it's usually about motorcycles.

msam76, thank you very much for your perspective. My BF definitely internalizes things, too. He has a stressful job and a difficult family and it's really hard for him to relax and unwind so it feeds into the stress cycle. I am really trying to keep in mind that if says things are ok, then they are. At least for him!

Keep reminding him. He will get the point. For some things you just need to remind him.. because he tends to forget....
Thank you speedo for your input :)

As I posted earlier, I reminded him (nicely) about the friday night dinner plans... and he texted back saying "can't they make it a different night?"

The fact that he didn't even bother to pick up the phone and call after receiving my email after not calling or emailing for days just ****es me off...
And thanks for remembering to get back to me so I can inform my friends if we're attending or not...

This is all such bull...

I'm starting to realize that maybe none of this is even ADHD related...
He could just be tired of all that's been happening (negativity) and he just wants to stay away...
Maybe he's just turned off by all the fighting we've been having...
It's all such bull because when he's feeling lonely or bored, he calls me and boom, I'm there (or he's invited over)... but for me... NOTHING...

I've been on this forum trying to learn and understand to better our relationship... I'm so sick of it.
How many hours does he spend trying to better his relationship with me???
I've just about had enough of this...

I may not make it after all...

I was looking for my soulmate. Someone who I could spend much time with,and if we had problems,we could talk and work things out. I love my adder,she has many wonderful qualities,but I have found someone,with whom I look forward to my alone time, and find that we can't communicate. I am staying and putting much energy into this relationship because some of this womans qualities could not be beaten.

But if I initiate the contact he doesn't tend to reciprocate except in almost a zombie-like way. .
Yup, my wife does this to.

Another example: he'll ask me a question, like "how was your day" and then instead of having a conversation he'll respond with "uh-huh", "right", or "ok" and he doesn't engage in the conversation. I know he's listening, and he could repeat back to me what I said, but it's not a conversation - I feel like I'm talking at him.
I get very few questions of a personal nature, most times she's very pre occupied with herself and doesn't ask these simple question of me or anybody.

Or, and this is the part that hurts the most, I'll want to express my feelings to him and say those sweet things we tell the one we love and I'll get a joke or an "uh huh" in return. :(
You shouldn't feel that you have to repress your feelings. Express away, if he can't or won't express his own feelings, that's his issue. He probably doesn't know how to express his emotions. I think you mentioned he has a family that isn't emotionally mature. My wifes family is very much like this. There are severe disfunctional problems that my wife carries with her. You need patience and understanding.

I try to be patient, he tells me all the time how lucky he is and always says, "how do you put up with me?" and mostly it's not hard, believe me, he's a sweetheart - I just don't feel like he's engaged or taking an active role in the relationship... I um.... usually initiate other stuff too...ifyouknowwhatImean.
Yes, my wife says "she's damaged goods" I hate the way she puts herself down and undercuts her own self estime. She also doesn't feel confident to initiate the youknowwhat either. It's hard to not feel that they don't want you.

It's like he's doing and saying all the right things - but there's no spark of life behind it. And that is confusing the heck out of me. Part of me feels like a jerk for complaining when he is such a great person, but I also feel like, "well, don't I deserve to feel - not just believe - that I'm loved too?"
I feel your pain. I don't know the last time I heard an "I love you" a hug would be a good thing, not 1 I give, but 1 I recieve, full hearted with no provocation, just because. Not sure if I'll ever see that.

He definitely comes from a family that doesn't show affection so I understand these things might be hard for him to do anyway so basically I'm trying to figure out if any of this sounds familiar to other people or is it maybe just him and more due to his upbringing?
This is probably related to his upbringing. Was there abuse, neglect, alcoholism? Sounds like emotional abuse as a child at the very least and this has resulted in his inability to express emotions. He will probably require professional help to deal with this. If it was abuse it's not that it will be hard, it will be impossible for him to relate to you as you expect as he doesn't have the toolset to do this.

ADDrus, thank you so much for your thoughtful response! It's good to know these situations happen to others, too. It is *so* hard to hear the person you love put him/herself down! I don't think there was abuse - it's more that he was, and still is, treated as less important by his family even though he bends over backwards for them. I absolutely don't want him to feel like he has to choose, but it is so hard for me to see the way they treat him, even though I believe they love him. Families are so complicated!

I think you're absolutely right though - patience and understanding. Thank you. :)

Hi Jsah, I'm glad something I said made you feel better. From what you said about him not being treated equal and bending over backwards, it sounds like my wife. She is always trying to please here dad and nothing, I mean nothing is good enough for him. Watch the interactions between your spouse and his parents. You'll probably see the dynamic as to which parent he is trying to please. This is the abusive parent, I don't mean phsically, I mean mentally. Once you know which parent, watch how that parent interacts with his/her spouse and you will see what your hubby learned as a "normal" relationship. This is how he believes he is supposed to behave in a relationship.

Understanding is half the battle.