Whenever im with friends or other people, i try to talk but i always come off as saying pointless, superficial things that i do not even think about. Also, i do not even know what to say sometimes when i am with others. Is this related to ADD or social anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder? Most people think i am too serious and cannot maintain a well conversation. Could someone please help? How do i become interesting and pleasant to talk to because there is a girl in my class that likes me and she is quite popular and i need to find a way to socialize better.

Btw im not talking medication right now. and if i did, would it help me socialize more?

I honestly have gotten better at socializing since i went off my meds...especially with adults...yes, i am a 20yr old with a fear of having a conversation with adults...lol

anyways, i can totally relate, and according to my therapist, this very much is an ADD trait

All i can really say is watch your talking...i start rambling, about crap no one wants to hear all the time...that can be controlled by consciously monitoring what you are seeing (yes, way easier said than done)

My huge issue is when i am at a loss for words, or dont know how to respond to something...if you can figure out a way, PLEASE let me know!!

good luck with the girl! :) Just be yourself :)

I constantley go over conversations before they happen. I kind of walk myself into a conversaiton in my mind, and just kind of check things off. Kind of a "what if they say this, ok then ill say this" etc etc etc.

Anoter trick I learned, keep your hands behind your back (or inside your pockets when you want to be more formal), this helps me fiddle with my hands, and still keep good posture. And try to keep eye contact, it helps alot IMO

And one of the best things that helps me when I talk to someone, is remembering just to be myself.

I still have a problem when I am REALLY nearvous about what I'm talking, about, then I cant keep my hands at my sidies (always makeing gestures) and lots of "ummm...s..." and "maybes" but I'm working on that.

And in the case of ranting (that I sometimes find myself in) I just do something like stop and pretend to tie my shoe, so someone else can take over the conversation.

hope this helps :p

Worrying about it is only going to make the problem worse because you'll be analyzing everything you say. Just talk to everyone like they're an old friend.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You get so worried about saying the wrong thing that it happens. Or you may be focusing so hard on not saying something stupid that you come off as extremely serious, like you mentioned. That's why I try to just let everything flow and take the good with the bad.

I am ok until the talk becomes *techincal*..I have a shocking ability to learn general knowledge, so I can look quite stupid when these conversations come up. I have learnt to laugh it off, andsay "bah! who wants to talk about...blah blah..it bores me" and pretend I'm not interested and leave them to it..

not such good advice, but it's a stratagie I use..

yeah, I have the same problem sometimes. i think both add & social anxiety can cause this problem. the harder i try to think of something to say, the harder it becomes to think of somthing to say...i think this is mostly from the add & this in turn causes a lot of my social anxiety.

being just recently diagnosed myself, i'm not sure i can be much help, but maybe meds that help focus/concentration may help? i just started on focalin, & it hasn't seem to help much yet in that area, but i'm hopeful it will.

Basically, i have a freight of large crowds ocassionally (in school sumtimes), presenting in front of crowds, trembling when presenting, stuttering ocassionally with my friends but should i take social anxiety medication along with ADD medication or what would u recommend for my problem. Oh yeah im inattentive as well...99% of the time....

Shakeepurmake, what do you talk about when you are talking to your friends?

I have found my ADD medication help my ability to socilize better, They improve my working memory so when I ask a question I can remember the answer, I can remember someone else's question long enough to answer, plus I can stay on topic a lot better when I am medicated.

well i talk about interests similar to they and i share but we do not talk about details cuz i am practically never alert at all in my daily activities at all...i do not pay attention to little details and i try for example....computer programming...i try so hard to focus but then later on (OR ANY OTHER CLASS) i always zone out and think about sumthing else. Im so sick of being thought as boring to talk to because after i talk about sumthing and use up all my "A" game...theres nothing else to talk about so its just nearly silence. Anything i do..im not alert to the details around it...i have been medicated with sleeping pills but they didnt help me.. should i just keep trying or what?

Well shake, trying to make yourself focus, is never the solution. People with ADD, CAN NOT forse themselfs to focus. Instead we have to look for outher alternitives to help our brain focus on its own. Finding ways that help keep ourselvs focus. I used to chew on my pencils, among outher things.

"Zoneing out" is pretty much the base ADD trait, and my medication helps with that. Unfortuneity I dont know much about ADD, and paying attition to detail.

What do you mean by

"Im so sick of being thought as boring to talk to because after i talk about sumthing and use up all my "A" game...theres nothing else to talk about so its just nearly silence"

Could you go into more detail?

It depends for me personally.

Socially, I feel like I can speak to people If I'm not on meds as I'm more spontaneous and not thinking about what to say next or nearly as nervous.

If I'm at work, I do better with my meds as I don't need to be spontaneous but need to articulate information that I've already gathered and is in the front of my mind.

I know what you mean about replying with really superficial comments when taking meds. I'm boring to myself when I say really stupid stuff. Its like I'm on auto-pilot from Airplane the movie :)

Some of the normal ADD stuff (got distracted while the other person was talking & have no idea what an appropriate answer is) or faulty memory (brain doesn't spit up the memory that their dad died two years ago until after I've asked 'so how's your dad doing these days?') Or can't remember what they're interested in or that great joke I just heard... yeah, meds seem to help a lot with those.

For the rest, focusing on our own discomfort guarantees that we'll distract ourselves from the conversation and not carry our part of it very well. Moving the focus of attention to the other people in the conversation and thinking about making it comfortable for them sometimes works. People like to talk to people that show an interest. 'Talk to them like an old friend' works because it puts people at ease and they assume that you get along with people.

I have a few stock questions... how's your week going so far? How's work/school? Do you like your work/school/teacher/ boss? Is work busier this time of year? Are you going to college? What subject? How's your family (when appropriate, sometimes I just don' wanna know). Are you still (in the bowling league, on track team, failing honors watercolor :) ? If it gets them talking I try to ask more questions about whatever they seem most interested in. I may not be interested, but if I'm trying to get to know them it helps--plus nothing helps a conversation more than someone who wants to talk. Within reason.

If after a couple of questions nothing comes back to work with, I'll tell something small that I've been doing, preferably something I can put a little humor into or at least keep short. If they haven't started picking up the conversational ball at this point it's time for The Graceful Exit. Got to talk to so-and-so, gotta get my work started, gotta call.. or just 'see ya around.'

The exit's the real art... knowing how to leave (relaxed walk, don't scurry or run) before it becomes obvious that things are strained, or being able to stay and hang out if the silence is comfortable. If that happens you relax and keep your primary attention on the scene or other people around you, not stare at the other person trying to figure out what they're thinking or trying to think of what to say next.

charonshanti I think you have two very good points in your post. . .

#1 Most people know about them selves and are happy when other shows interest in them. . . . so keeping the subject them means you will be almost guaranteed to find some thing they are interested in. . . it will also increase your chances of finding some thing you have in common with them.

#2 There is no hard fast rule saying there has to be constant conversation flowing. . . . moments of silence do not have to be awkward. There are actually a few folks out there who enjoy the company of some one who is comfortable with silence. . . . and know when to shut up.

Shake, I was reading the last three posts and I just wanted to ask you.

Do your friends have ADD?

My "group" of friends all have ADD, and saying pointless things is pretty much encouraged lol. I mean, I can be mature and polite in public, its not a problem, but nothing is more relaxing than a conversation than a ninja made of mashpotatos, or a killer shoe. I' in-fact, bursted out into song one time among my frinds, singing about ninjas, pirates, "domons", and inheariting my grandpas haunted underwere, witch resulted in about 7 strait minutes of laughfter. :p

Well only 1 or 2 of my friends basically has ADD but the ones i mostly hang out with do not have ADD. Also, when sumone makes a comeback, i have no idea on what to say for comebacks.

Its common for teens with ADD to feel disconnected with thier peers, we have a diffrent way of looking at the world, and its not uncommon for us to be deep, emotionally, and in the way we think.

Why is it that when you are with your hang out crowd that you need comebacks?

I'm assumeing that you mean the kind of "kidding" comebacks. Those "playful jokes".
If thats true, in my expereince things like that are a cover for a shallow relationship with a "friend".

I don't want to get to personal, but I might have a idea, of what your talking about shake.

Do you really talk to these people? Or is it that everytime you bring something up they treat you like a child and tell you to shut up?

Do you feel like the topic at hand is always more inportent than anything you can say?

Does that lead to you staying uninvolved in the group, and make you feel uncomfortable around them?

I apoligize in advance if those questions are none of my buisness.

and if the comebacks you were talking about were the fighting kind...

When someone insults me, I don't worry about comeing up with a comeback, I be honest. I don't turn around and tell them something that isn't true, they proabley dont sleep with thier mom, and they proabley not gay, point out what they really areand they wont have a comback for that. Avoid the "well you feel so bad about your life that you pick on me" that one, doesn't work.

WARNING: this has the knack to really P-O the ego-manic, I'm 6,foot, and 280 lbs. after 2 years of football, I don't get alot of people who want to fight.

PS: fighting is stuiped, I don't do it. you can't avoid looking like a moron when you fight someone.


I hope this helps,

Well to be honest, i practically have different personalities when i am at home and when i am at school. Btw the comebacks are friendly comebacks....and basically im friends with everyone around because my personality is friendly but it could use more socialization due to my lack of being able to think of anything to say when im with someone. At school, i seem calm and as if im chill but when im at home i just feel like the opposite. Oh yeah btw, every single time im writing an essay and im supposed to explain the meaning behind the idea....most of my peers do not understand because it goes completely beyond the simplistic ideas and for sum reason, even when i revise my papers, they still do not understand it.

Yeah i find fighting and comebacks are pointless, but i wanna describe what i said about "using my "A" game" in social conversations. Ex. I met this really popular girl in my class who i started to have a conversation with. Talking about our personal lives, what we do, etc. Then once we talk about that...theres nothing else for me to talk about. I used up all my good conversation the day before and now i do not know what to say....Its like i used up all my energy and i dont have any more to function.. U get what im saying? I hear people with ADHD/ADD are in-attentive but this popular girl basically doodles all over my binder with hearts and how i love her but there are sum girls who do this because they want the attention plus how they do not always feel good inside...So i really don't think she likes likes me, but i do not care necessarily that much for her because i do not know all her friends because shes a grade higher than me anyway.

Your peers probabley don't understand your ideas, behind your essays, because most likeley you are on a diffrent level. What does your teacher say?

The personality conflict...Hmm that one can be trickey, and I'm proabley the last person qualified to go into depth with that one. The only thing I can say is do you use this "oppisite personality" to cope, or is it just a change that you notice when no one is looking?

For me, I used lies, lots, and lots, and lots of lies. :p

About the girl, sadley many girls are just looking for attention, and all a relationship means to them is attention...without thier pants on. But, I'm not there, so that doesn't really matter. I would try being her friend first, after a while, you'll see if she really likes you, or just wants your attention.

But, to do that you need to talk to her first...Well, if things go right, this girl will be your GF, so just being yourself is always the best way to start. So when you plan on talking to her again, wear something of significant value. Something that has a value to it or meaning, a good story behind it. If your lucky and she asks about it, you can do two things at ounce. First, you get to talk to her, about something that matters to you, that gives you something to talk about, and you work on the relationship part. Second, you get to see if she is really into you. If she just wants your attention, she wants you looking at her, and talking about her, to her, but if she is interested in you, she wont mind.

Pay attention to her while you are talking, this not only helps you stay focused on the converstaion (add and all) but watch her eyes, her feet, and her hands, those are pretty much bodylanguage hotspots. From personal expereice, were a persons feet are pointed, is the area that they are focused on. Most people shift thier feet, when they start a conversation with somone. The hands, the biggest indicatior of un-easyness, watch for fidigeting, or tapping. And the eyes, the indicator of how intrested a person is.


Anyway, I hope this helps :p

allmost forgot, If you have something that has background to it, try to make the story at least longer than 15 sec. maybe 30. that should give you enoughf time to see how she acts. But really what you are hopeing for, is a reply from her, that is relevent to what you just said. for ie, after your done talking, you don't want her to blow everything off that you just said, and start talking about what she got at the mall this weekend.

For the essay part...my teacher does not get some of my ideas at all...so unfortunetly, i get B's or C's because of my lack of understanding according to my teacher. Quite annoying really...

As for the girl, well i play hockey for the school so the jerseys were supposed to wear to school that day bring up a good conversation...i do talk a pretty good amount with her now that i really look at it, its just that i payed to my studies a bit too much 1 day but ur right on the getting to know her as a friend more part.

Oh yeah theres one more fact that just drives me ridiculously insane; how i always do my homework for school 100% of the time while theres another friend of mine who does not bother doing his homework and manages to get around 5 A's and 2 B's while im the one whos working his ***** off and instead i get A's, B's, C's, D's...Why? Its because i cant even focus in class at all. Completely out of it while he can ezily focus. Just drives me insane how my nights are always spent doing homework with no free time at all.

Do most people with ADD/ADHD tend to finish quizes/tests last? Because im practically always the last one to say something in a debate or finish a test/quiz.

Yo i also think i have social anxiety disorder as well due to the fact that im always afraid to talk in front of large crowds and what people think of me in front of huge presentations/crowds. I almost never raise my hand in class or participate in debates because im afraid of what people might think of me(yeah i know this is immature but i cant get over for some reason). If i am diagnosed with social anxiety disorder as well, should i take ADD meds along with social anxiety meds or just stick to ADD meds or what?

Could be shake, but I'm not famillier with social anxiety, or any kind of anxiety really, afraid I can't be much help there.

For the most part, I normally turn in my test last. but my meds help ALOT with that. at least you are very motovated to do your work, thats normally a challange for alot of people with ADD. Are you on meds for ADD currentley? I was looking at one of your previous threads, how is the sleeping problem going?

Hmm, I'm no expert, but anxiety, lack of sleep, stress from ADD symptoms. All closeley related. You may want to see your docter about some of this. When did you start noticeing you had trouble focusing, or staying on task? WIth some types of ADD, the smarter the person, the later in life it shows up. Then when it does show up, it causes havok. Is that the case with you?

I would also push for a parent-teacher confrence, to get this isshue sorted out with your teacher, you have enoughf holding you back with possible ADD, you don't need a teacher like that to make things worse.

Yo i also think i have social anxiety disorder as well due to the fact that im always afraid to talk in front of large crowds and what people think of me in front of huge presentations/crowds. I almost never raise my hand in class or participate in debates because im afraid of what people might think of me
Talking in front of large crowds is one of the greatest fears people express, ADD or not.

You can't expect to be excited about it unless you're passionate about what you're presenting and honestly believe it holds some value your audience can benefit from...and sometimes the topic under discussion just doesn't meet that standard.

Your anxiety could be a natural result of how ADD has impacted your life and the experiences you've had so far, in which case the ADD meds might be all you need. Or not. A good doc should be able to sort it out.

i used to have loads of problems with that in secondary school (high school). the sort of i am in nobody's clique and no one wants to be with me for group projects thingy. i hate secondary school life for that reason, the fact that everyone there are so "normal"

polytechnic (college/vocational school) was great though. because i was in a design course, where everyone there were creative and had their own ideas, so that even the "normal" there were a little less normal. so i fit in a lot better.

and it was fun, because everyone there craps as much as i do, all obsess over drawing like i do, share about their strange ideas like i do and all of such verbalisation of thoughts were welcomed. and when i don't do assignments, it's not only me who is like that but a quarter of the cohort. i was a little different from the lot though, like jumping a lot, misplacing items, being brutally honest, and other weird actions that seem to amuse my classmates. but i am glad though, of their acceptance ;) they always treat me like a small kid though. like "no we must send her home or she will get lost, follow a pervert who is baiting her with food and get kidnapped" =___=

Its common for teens with ADD to feel disconnected with thier peers, we have a diffrent way of looking at the world, and its not uncommon for us to be deep, emotionally, and in the way we think.
can anyone explain this bit to me? i don't seem to understand a lot of emotion related things. my mother tells, me, that because these things are too abstract so i don't get them. and even if they try to explain i still won't get it.

like,
- why will telling a person that they are wrong make them feel hurt?
- why will my best friend's girlfriend be jealous if i play with him like i used too? i am not interested in him, he is just a friend after all...
- why do parents not want to admit the fact that their children have a mental disorder? to me, anything that is not normal is fun, and if i had a kid who has aspergers of something i'll be happy and thank god still
- why do i have to buy a new pair of slippers if my current ones are broken? can't i just walk home barefooted? i have another slipper at home and i don't need a new one
- why does my friends feel so anxious when one of them looses a mobile phone? being anxious and moody doesn't help anything
- why do i have to sit down and talk to my church cell members as a mean of "getting to know each other more" when they are the ones who have so much to say?
- why is it not ok to just tell them "i want to join that bunch of guys kicking soccer and not sit here talking boring stuff?"
- why do ppl cry when their results are bad? crying will not change the fail to a pass. i fail many papers before and my friend around me seem more upset than i am

the way other ppl bbehave always seem complicated. they shld be honest and simple and not beat around the bush. i think i am an idiot. i don't understand why ppl cry during graduation when they hug each other goodbyes. but because everyone is doing that, i make myself cry too so i'll be like one of them. i feel as though i am an alien looking at the species called homo sapiens sapiens and "oohh what strange beings."


ahhh... sorry. i didn't mean to rant. sorry. i just wanted answers to questions i ask my parents about and couldn't understand no matter how they explain. sorry.

One thing I've found that works well is to ask people questions about themselves. People always like to talk about themselves.

I'm a little older than you, but here's how it works for me. If I'm sitting at lunch with "Mary", I'll try to scan my brain and think about a recent topic she brought up. That's right- she mentioned her daughter "Sally" is having trouble at school. So maybe I'll start with "So how's Sally doing with her schoolwork- did grounding her like you mentioned have any effect". Then I will try to think of a follow up comment or question to that.

My problem is that I have no internal monologue- everything tends to get said, and I tend to talk about myself ad nauseum. So I force myself to practice asking people about themselves. It's not that I'm not interested- I just tend to forget. So I make a conscious effort. With my very close friends (1 or 2 people) I can cut loose, and relax a little more.

It's hard though to manage conversations. If you have a good friend or family member you feel comfortable with, maybe you can practice? I find that the more I do it, the more natural it becomes.

Btw, i am getting enough sleep now but i still cant focus in class at all nor am i motivated in school AT ALL.. I am never motivated or excited to work on school work. I despise it. In my computer class, i work so slow and i just want the class to be over already. I cant stand it practically and today as well, i felt completely out of it as if i had no soul, i wasnt enthusiastic at all when i was public ice-skating for around 30minutes. I enjoy playing ice hockey and skating but i was completely out of it. Btw for the homework part, i always do it no matter what because im just so used to it because of how my parents raised me (Homework takes me so long also because it takes me 10000 times to re-read sumthing just to get it) but in school, i just cant concentrate at all. The only meds i have taken so far were just some sleeping pills that help u sleep and cure depression but those didnt do anything. Im going to see my doctor about what meds or therapy or anything to do about my problem.

Well. meds will help you with the focus, in turn, you are able to focus, you dont get overwhelmed as easy with something. And that overwhelming feeling is what makes all the diffrence. One of the reasons I hate math, "Find X" might was well be "Find the X, but you know you can't do it so skipp it, and move on".

Martia, you brought up a very interesting point, and I think it may apply to what shake meant by "haveing no soul" (btw, it was hardley a rant)

Disclamer: this is all pretty much self-observation, so take it with a grain of salt.

People with ADD, don't normally "connect" with out peers. Why?, because while we grow up, we know that we are diffrent, on a level, but we have no idea how to manage this, or really what is diffrent about us. Children have a very large capicity to learn how to cope, and deal with isshues or problems. As a result of that ability at a young age, we learn how to "act" like a normal kid, but we still think like a Add'er. That means that when you were a kid, weather you realized it or not, you "studied" outher kids to see how to act. I remember when I was 14, and I did things wrong on purpose, and when my mom asked me why I thought about it and said "Mom, im 14, I'm supposed to be getting into troube".

This leads to a conflict of who you think you should be, and who you think you are. Because you are trying to be both.

So to cope with that I learned how to lie. I pretty much have it down to a art.

What happens, is we lose sight, of who we are. As we grow up we see more, and more diffrences with our peers, but if we don't understand those diffrences often (and in my case) we start to call ourselfs idiots, and try harder, and harder to be "normal"

The result is allmost a complete personality built on ideas of what "you should be like". Over time, as you build that up, you neglect you real ideas, your real thoughts, and who you really are.

What happens then, is you cant do any "soul searching" because all that does is make you realize how "empety" you are inside, and it just makes it worse.

Its diffrent for some people, depending on how strong the desire to be "normal" is.

Anyway, Hope this helps.

Yeah i seriously over time kept trying to copy other people's personalities and see what they are doing. I don't even know what kind of a person i am, i am practically just consisted of other people's actions and the things they do. And u pretty much summed it up for me. As for the math part, i skip a lot of my questions because they are so complicated that i just am not interested/ or wanting to figure out what to do with x after i find it. Unfortunetly, im doing bad in all my classes with A's, B's, C's, D's and im the one who always does his homework. Just cant ever focus in class at all so i miss all the details.

Well, right now I am trying to "re-discover" myself, Alot of it is allowing myself to not feel guilty about they way I think, and the way I feel about certian things. My opinions, or my thoughts. A lot of it to, (for me) is talking to a group of people that understand those thoughts, and opinions as well. For this reason, I spend alot of time talking to 23-30 year old people, I get along very well with them. I still have my friends in school, but like all my peers, I really dont connect, so there not "good friends" I guess you could say.

I was glad to see your responce shake, :p the more you understand the reason that you do things like this, the better off you are trying to go back and find yourself.

However, ADD has a nasty little habbit of not being able to remember things, that happend around the child, to pre-teen phase. This for alot of people is were there ADD starts to hit them, and when I say child to preteen, I mean around the ages of 4-13, Its a wide spread, but the brain does alot of changeing during these years, and its pretty mutch the most rapid time of the brains growth.

I don't know if your in the same boat as me, with the ADD, but for me, its diffucult to remember anying before the age of 14, the further Igo back, the harder it is to deturmine what memories happend when, and sometimes I cant even find a place for them at all. :p

It goes without saying that trying to draw from yourself in the past, is stressful to say the least.

But the thing you have to remember, is that even tough those memories of yourself are gone. you are still that person. You just have to allow yourself, the chanse to stop talking, with a lie, and to be honest. TO stop fighting the things that make us diffrent, and to start fighting the idea that we have to become "normal" in order to have a better life.

To acomplish that, we have to learn how to manage our ADD, when we do that, we can learn how to bring out the most, of the positive sides of add, and avoid the harmfull effects.

The best advice I can offer about math, is to talk to your teacher. (if your luckey they have some kind of personality, I don't know about you, but my math teachers have always had a few...strange personality quirks :p ) If you feel comfortable wit you math teacher, then make shure that he/she knows you have ADD. Getting 1-on-1 time with the subject, can really help. If your not, then ask you school advisor, about tutoring, but If you dont wanna do that. then ask a teacher that you do feel comfortable with, and aks them if they know any math teachers that are willing to tutor after school.

Hope this helps.