Hi everyone, I'm back from a long break from my favorite forum :)

I have been in a turmoltuous relationship with an ADDer for a year and a half.
I've been hurt so many times by his inconsiderate and mean actions and, although I try to handle things in a mature manner, I often end up hurting him back as a result.

I have acted in ways that I'm not proud of too many times. And over the course of the relationship, we often find ourselves in a vicious cycle of attacks and counterattacks that end up hurting eachother even more.

In order to calm myself down and to prevent myself from "lashing out" as an impulsive response, I made myself the following list to look at during these times of "rage".

Please remember, that there are a lot of points in my list that are there to prevent me from feeling hurt. If you sense a "defensive" tone in my list, it's my inner cheerleader trying to boost my confidence. I understand that love is not a game or a compitition of who-got-who, but during these times of feeling low and unimportant, I found that it helps to cheer myself up by saying "I can do better!! Don't let him get to you!!"
I also understand that everything I experiance with him are not ADD related, but are specific to him... And some are just things we experiance in any relationship.

I had to look at this list today again after being hurt for the thousandth time.
I just wanted to share it with you (ADDers and non-ADDers) to see what you thought.

---------------------

None of his "flaws" are a sign of how he feels about me. He loves and cares about me and he does what he does because that is all he can do. It is not a reflection of how he feels about me, how I am valued, or my worth. So don’t be offended; just know that he is being himself, and that he will eventually have to correct his own actions if he wants my affection.
He is an unreliable wireless service… nothing personal.


If he is trying to hurt me, it's because he's been hurt. Seeing me hurt is the only way he can see my emotions. And because he cares, he wants to see me get emotional. In order to discourage this, I have to respond in a way that he sees my emotions ONLY when he is nice.
Hurtful = No response from me = No satisfaction of seeing my emotion
Nice = Positive response from me = Satisfaction of seeing my emotion


Positive reinforcement: Negative actions works against him. Positive actions work for him. If he is good, it should be reinforced. If he is bad, I don’t need to point this out because it will eventually come back to him. In order to do this, the negative result he experiences has to be a direct result of his action; not a negative attack inflected by me. Only offering positive reaction does not make me a doormat because my “non-response (no contact)” acts as a "counterattack" that is afflicted upon him, by him. If there is something I am clearly uncomfortable with, I will just make a nice excuse and correct his actions by suggesting a positive action (i.e. How about Saturday instead of tonight).
Negative action = No fun offered by me = His own action caused pain
Positive action = Fun offered by me = His own action resulted in fun


If I notice his loss of interest, it’s not because I’m being too good/nice to him and he’s getting bored of me, it’s because he is tired of the negative feedback. If he gets nothing but grief when he’s with me, then he will choose to do something else that feels better. If I want him to show interest in me, I have to choose to be the source of his “feel good”. This is not a desperate act because if I don’t like it, his butt stays home, and if I like it, I let him have fun with me. He makes the effort; I pick and choose when I want to have fun.
Nice is fun, grief is not… same for him.


If I’m bored or lonely and want to do something but he’s not initiating anything, don’t be offended. His lack of initiation is not a sign that he does not care. It only means that he is not in the mood when I am. There are plenty of times when it’s the other way around. If I want to do something, just ask. If I want to talk to him, just call. If I want to see him, visit him. It’s not a sign of weakness. If I offer and he doesn’t want it, I tried and came out showing him that I cared; my win.
Hard *** gets me nowhere. Just do it.


In the end I will win. Every single point he gains, one ups he wins, pain he inflects means nothing, because in the end I will be the one who leaves him for something better if things get too awful. If he had it his way, he will keep me forever. I am his anchor. The only way this will ever end is if I leave him.
No matter what he is doing to me now, I’ve already won.


And if the relationship fails in the end, this will have been a phase I had to go through to appreciate a good relationship. For me to appreciate the predictability, the reliability, the controllability, the equality in a good solid relationship, I must understand what it is like to not have them. If this is a lesson, then the only acceptable way for me to come out of it is with grace and dignity. So the relationship may or may not work, but it doesn't change the fact that I must conduct myself in a matter that I will be proud of in the end.
In the end, I lose nothing.

The end!!

Hi everyone, I'm back from a long break from my favorite forum :) I have been in a turmoltuous relationship with an ADDer for a year and a half. I made myself the following list to look at during these times of "rage"
Hello MayB!

Wonderful list. I work with kids who are ADHD and it always important to remember their behavior has nothing to with me, even if they are pushing my buttons. Thanks :p PJ

Just wanted to tell you that your seven viewpoints totally inspired me. I have been in a relationship for almost 4 yrs with an adder. We definitely have our issues and he has recently admitted to me that he believes he needs to go back to the Dr and receive help--but he has yet to act on that thought. During our arguments, we say many things to eachother that we always end up regretting..his big things is name calling and saying things to intentionally hurt me and just so happens I know how to get under his skin to "get back" at him. I know I feed into the arguments because I don't always know when to stop although I tell myself what he's saying is the ADD talking, its just hard to not stick up for yourself! However, I am going to print out your list and carry it with me--thank you for your words of wisdom!

Well done MayB,

I've never found that retaliation is effective in improving the situation. Whoever is lucky enough to be able to notice that and act on it can help save the day.

Your points really highlight that your ADD partner really has a significantly different perspective on the world around him, and that is totally not meant to be personal in any way.

cs

Couples therapy can help you set up some rules to fight fair. Calling someone names in the heat of the moment is not limited to someone with ADHD. Relationships are not about who wins.

Couples therapy can help you set up some rules to fight fair. Calling someone names in the heat of the moment is not limited to someone with ADHD. Relationships are not about who wins.I was just thinking the exact same thing! Of course my BDH and I both have ADHD...

My ADD hubby and I are currently reading together "Real Love in Marriage" by Greg Baer (I would broaden "marriage" to mean significant relationship") and we're both seeing some encouraging changes between us.

It's a nice break from ADD being the main source of our problems - my nonADD responses are equally involved in the equation. For the ADD partner who has missed out on learning social cues or has used defenses all along to not hear their nonADD partners feedback - this book explains well what is going on with all of the emotional disconnecting that happens as both sides are trying to get the love they need from their partner. The book also describes what loving looks like - here we are trying to tell our significant other - no, honey, THIS would be loving....and this book puts it in print.

I know alot of ADDers don't like reading what doesn't interest them...my guy included. We've gotten into the habit of me reading out loud and he'll either sit with me or maybe there's a small mindless task that he can do during(fold laundry, cut vegetables, physical therapy stretches, swing a practice golfclub...etc) and we only go as long as he can take. Hope this helps!!!:soapbox:

I'm an ADDer and I agree with MayB and well done for that MayB

It's wonderful you made such a list and put so much effort into this. :-)

Having said that, People with ADD are different, but we still have an obligation to own our actions, take responsibility for them, fix the problem, or make proper amends. ADD is not an excuse to hurt others without consequences, we are not, by virtue of our ADD unaware of right and wrong, or unable to understand non-ADDers (who we tend to understand a whole lot better than they understand us). In point of fact, with a diagnosis comes the obligation to find the means (medication, Cognitive behavioral therapy, life style modification, etc...) to manage our differences. Not every approach works for everyone, but with time and effort come real improvement.

It is true we are extremely sensitive, and it is VERY easy to hurt us even when one doesn't understand how, or even that a hurt was given. It is also true we are often extremely impulsive and can be hurtful right back. This is usually an extremely quick, and knee jerk response and it would be very difficult to repress for an ADDer. It can be done though, and we've a responsibility, whether we have mastered such control to any degree or not, to own the damage it does, and either avoid (if at all possible) circumstances that make it more likely to happen, or make amends.

We can hope, but NOT expect our partners to accept this kind of unpleasantness as a consequence of our differences. We can hope, but NOT expect they will put up with it. All we can genuinely claim to have some right to expect is that our partner support our efforts at treatment and adaptation to a world we aren't wired for, and that means that they call us on unacceptable excuses as much as that they pat us on the back for our efforts.

I don't, in anyway, mean this to be a criticism of the efforts you've put into your relationship. Nor do I mean it to be a criticism of your significant other, or any other ADDer. The fact you are so accepting of his differences is something I've never had in any of my relationships with Non-ADDers. It's wonderful to see, and I wish deeply that any of my partners in my lifetime had a similarly constructive attitude and approach. I'm just saying the onus is more on those of us with ADD, than on those we are with in dealing with it and it's consequences in an appropriate and adult manner.

I know I probably sound harsh, but it's simple truth. As an example let me take a very different (and far more destructive) psychological problem as a comparison. Pattern spousal abusers (or significant other abusers, or what have you), have very real psychological problems. They feel VERY real remorse for their behavior. They can justifiably claim to be "Sick". However, and this is a biggie, they aren't clinically psychotic, they are aware their actions are wrong, and the fact that their behavior is an outgrowth of a nuerological, or psychological problem does nothing to justify the damage they do. They still need to face the consequences of their actions (preferably jail forever, if you ask me). I do believe they should seek treatment, but they can be treated in jail while paying the consequences of their actions. Unfortunately, treatment for pattern abusers is rather ineffective (Recidivism rates are so high as to make success stories nearly statistically irrelevant).

ADD, on the other hand, can be treated and with effort and patience can be treated quite successfully.

The comparison was a bit extreme to say the least, but it makes my point well. The world could certainly use some changing, to make life easier for everyone all around, but we CAN NOT expect individuals in it to put up with unpleasantness from us, simply because we aren't managing 'OUR' problem effectively. Hope for someone that understanding?

But I'm repeating myself now, a sure sign I'm winding down on my rant. :-)

Don't get me wrong please, as I said I'm not criticizing you or your boyfriend. I am, in fact awed, by your efforts and would hug you if I heard you say such things in my presence just for being so COOL.

I'm not entirely sure why I felt so compelled to make that point. Maybe it's because I have a strong sense of empathy, even for people who don't have ADD, and while it was difficult for me to see my own behaviors negatively impacting my relationships at the time, I can certainly see it in hindsight, and I've worked hard (and had a fair degree of success) to correct inappropriate ones. If I can do it, then surely anyone can, barring, of course, additional problems (such as frontal lobe damage) that damage impulse control far more than ADD alone ever could.

I AM NOT BROKEN. I'm just the wrong size in a one size fits all world. Trying to get by, by removing the pickles from the kiester of society, one pickle at a time, and working hard to fit in until the final pickle has been removed. You, dear lady, are clearly pickle free. :-)

MayB, I just want to say that pretty much all of those things you said are thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head for the past months/weeks but haven't been well enough developed to articulate.

I'm going to write down that list too.

Eboy, I have to agree with you also. My boyfriend really has a hard time with consequences. He's never really had anyone in his life that held him to the consequences of his actions.

But he is going to have to learn if our relationship stands a chance. He is dealing with some consequences of a hurtful thing he did now; we are no longer living together, and won't be until there are some drastic improvements and until I give it enough time to be sure they will stick. I think the lightbulb has finally clicked on and he realizes that this is the result of something he did, and there are no shortcuts around it or running away from it this time.

Having said that, People with ADD are different, but we still have an obligation to own our actions, take responsibility for them, fix the problem, or make proper amends. ADD is not an excuse to hurt others without consequences, we are not, by virtue of our ADD unaware of right and wrong, or unable to understand non-ADDers (who we tend to understand a whole lot better than they understand us). In point of fact, with a diagnosis comes the obligation to find the means (medication, Cognitive behavioral therapy, life style modification, etc...) to manage our differences. Not every approach works for everyone, but with time and effort come real improvement.
I sure wish my ex-boyfriend would own up to what he did, apologize, and make amends.

Your list is very helpful. However, your non-attachment ideas (very Buddhist by the way) seem great unless kids are involved. I can't just walk away from 5 step-kids and say, well I learned something.

I'm having a hard time figuring what I can expect from my ADD wife. For one thing, she has got much worse in the past two years, and actually much worse since being diagnosed six months ago as having ADD.