Hi everyone,

I'm sad to say that I am getting divorced. My wife and I were together 14 years, and she finally just could not stand my negative ADD traits any longer. The big problem for me is that I did not realize that I have ADD until after she left me! I was diagnosed one month after she left! ADD explained so many of my behaviors that drove her crazy, and which I could never seem to change no matter how hard I tried. She and I have talked about my having ADD, and she thinks that if we had known about it a few years ago we might have found a way to live with it and still be together, but she does not want to try again now.:(

So, my emotions are really conflicted right now. I still love my ex, and everything about her. She did so many things during our marriage to help me try to live up to my potential, and I could not have made it as far as I have without her help. And she is the nicest, brightest, most loving person I've ever met. I want her to be happy, and it is clear to me that my underacheiving lifestyle was making her life less than she wanted it to be. So I am glad in a way that she left me, because I don't think I could have ever gotten rid of my bad behaviors (procrastination, forgetfulness, unreliability, inability to be successful in my career, etc). But now that I know they were caused in large part by ADD and may be treatable - I want my wife back! We were so happy for so many years, and if I could just be the man she and I both thought I could be, then she and I could go on with our lives together.
But, it's not going to happen. Too much damage has been done to our relationship to repair, and my life is still in a shambles - I don't know if ADD treatment is going to be very sucsesfull in turning that around. Even if I could get my behaviors under control my career is a mess and I don't know how I could fix it. So the horror of this situation is that I've lost my wife due to my ADD, and I realize that we would have still been together and happy if I didn't have the ADD. I still love her, but she loved the man I should have been without the ADD. And I want to be that man - I hate how I have been a failure when I have so much talent and potential.

Sorry I have such a sad story to share. Any ideas on how I can come to terms with all this and move on without my wife are very welcome. For all of you spouses of ADDers, I want you to know that your ADD spouse wants to make you happy, but can't always do what they need to. If you can help them find ways to cope with their unhealthy behaviors you may be able to keep your marriage strong and vibrant. But don't become codependent with them. If ADD treatment along with your help and understanding is not enough to make you partner a good spouse, then don't stay in the marriage. I think anyone with ADD who comes to see how ADD can ruin a marriage would want you to move on and be happy.

Even if they will always miss you:(.

caliban2,

I'm so sorry to hear of your great disappointment, what a tragedy that you only found out you were ADD after your marriage was over.

Gosh, you poor thing, my whole heart goes out to you.

I hope you will give yourself time to grieve and get over the loss...this can take quite a time for most people, although it varies, and you have a lot of growing to do, since your diagnosis, there will be some changes.

PRobably though, you will not become a perfect person (no more than anyone nonADD can become that which is ideal, as it is an impossibility for everyone).

If you got diagnosed recently, I hope you are also getting counselling for your ADD and for your loss, a friend of mine got counselling after her marriage toasted and it really helped her a lot. a LOT.

The other thing you might do is see someone who can help you get your career path back on track, but as i say...please don't expect to be chirpy and "over" it in just a couple of weeks. Some folks take a couple of years over such a loss.

I know you'll find your way, let it happen as it comes.

cs

Hi everyone,

I'm sad to say that I am getting divorced. My wife and I were together 14 years, and she finally just could not stand my negative ADD traits any longer. I was diagnosed one month after she left! ADD explained so many of my behaviors that drove her crazy, and which I could never seem to change no matter how hard I tried. She and I have talked about my having ADD, and she thinks that if we had known about it a few years ago we might have found a way to live with it and still be together, but she does not want to try again now.:(
Caliban2,

Good to see you back here posting, but I'm sorry that the reason is because you are getting divorced and grieving. That is really tough that your wife says she could have worked on it a few years ago but not now? Why not now? Sort of a lose-lose situation keeping you in an "if only" state of mind. That seems so unfair to me. I hear you feeling guilty, but I don't hear you getting angry (at least a little!).

I got divorced almost 10 years ago and it was so hard for me. Our relationship got to be fairly horrible, he is "borderline" type personality and was verbally abusive and very critical. But I did have more structure and someone to sit down and write out the checks to pay bills. And mow the lawn and change the oil.

I was taking the little test about SAD that was posted earlier this week, and realized how much I miss having someone in my life. I moved about 2 years ago and basically broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years who had been a friend for 3 years before that. Also left behind my best friend who used to go out for coffee with me and talk about anything and everything.

My daughter is going to Atlanta for Christmas,and her boyfriend who is in the air force can't wait to move back there. It makes me so anxious to think she might marry him and end up across the country.

So I'm having a Blue Christmas. Even though I've been divorced for a while and I am very glad not to be around all that hostility, sometimes I feel like I still could use a divorce "support group." So if you want to vent or be in a little divorce group let me know.

Sorry you are so sad. Here is a hug and a few pats on the back (((HUG))) :cool: PJ

Hey Caliban.

I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness and heartache (I'm nearly crying here) and my heart definitely goes out to you, 14 years is such a long time to share your life with one person.

I've recently broken up with a non-ADD man and I feel it was partially due to my ADHD, my lack of experience with kids (he had 3 natural children and 1 step child and I have no children of my own) and also because he had feelings for another woman while he was with me and was possibly sleeping with her while we were together as well although I can't prove that just yet and I strongly believe with all my heart that she played a very big part in our relationship break up, I will admit I was depressed at the time I started going out with him and my ADHD flares right up when I'm depressed, I felt the same things you do now like self blame, sadness and I certainly thought of how I could have changed things, how I could have been a better woman and all the rest and I've only just started to realise that maybe this man was not the man for me, maybe our break up was a blessing in disguise because if he accepted my ADHD he would have done everything he could to work around it but the truth is he couldn't handle it and when the going got tough, he got going, well that's enough about me now.

As sad as this is and I know this is not going to sound helpful but it's going to take some time for you to get over this, you're feeling sad and lost right now and you'e still at that hopeful stage of "I want my wife back" and you're still at that wondering stage of "what could I've done to make things better" and you'll be in this stage for a little while but the next stage is harder again and thats the anger stage and believe me it's horrid, you're going to feel angry, hateful, resentful and bitter and this is when you might need to be around your friends or come on here or spend time with loved ones because the more you're on your own the worse it feels, then there's your final stage of acceptance and you'll probably think things like "I'm over her" or "I'm glad she's outta my life" and you'll suddenly have a new lease on life and you'll finally see the marriage in a more clearer light and see it for what it really was and you'll probably end up sitting there thinking "Maybe this marriage was meant to end" I'm no relationship or marriage expert but I know what it's like to have someone leave me.

I get the impression you're blaming yourself quiet severely and you have to realise it takes BOTH to make a marriage/relationship and it takes BOTH to break a marriage/relationship and there is ALWAYS fault on BOTH sides so technically your ADD isn't to blame for every aspect of your marriage problems and ultimate ending although it's probably contributed to it.

As for your wife, maybe she's come to a conclusion she can't handle anymore, this doesn't make her a bad or selfish person and she's stuck around for 14 years so she's made a good effort and I guess she was probably thinking she had to do what's best for herself and unfortunately you got badly hurt, maybe you could concentrate on making the best of this bad situation and there might be a chance that you pair could become friends in the future (I'm not putting your hopes up or anything)

Lastly you made a great point when you said "she loved the man I should have been without the ADD" I had the same feeling when my ex left me, I feel he wanted me to be someone I wasn't, someone I could never be no matter how much I tried and one day you and I both will find someone who will love and accept us for the people we are NOT the people they want us to be.

Again I'm sorry to hear of your loss, I hope things eventually get better and please keep us posted.

(((HUGS)))

SelenaHi everyone,

I'm sad to say that I am getting divorced. My wife and I were together 14 years, and she finally just could not stand my negative ADD traits any longer. The big problem for me is that I did not realize that I have ADD until after she left me! I was diagnosed one month after she left! ADD explained so many of my behaviors that drove her crazy, and which I could never seem to change no matter how hard I tried. She and I have talked about my having ADD, and she thinks that if we had known about it a few years ago we might have found a way to live with it and still be together, but she does not want to try again now.:(

So, my emotions are really conflicted right now. I still love my ex, and everything about her. She did so many things during our marriage to help me try to live up to my potential, and I could not have made it as far as I have without her help. And she is the nicest, brightest, most loving person I've ever met. I want her to be happy, and it is clear to me that my underacheiving lifestyle was making her life less than she wanted it to be. So I am glad in a way that she left me, because I don't think I could have ever gotten rid of my bad behaviors (procrastination, forgetfulness, unreliability, inability to be successful in my career, etc). But now that I know they were caused in large part by ADD and may be treatable - I want my wife back! We were so happy for so many years, and if I could just be the man she and I both thought I could be, then she and I could go on with our lives together.
But, it's not going to happen. Too much damage has been done to our relationship to repair, and my life is still in a shambles - I don't know if ADD treatment is going to be very sucsesfull in turning that around. Even if I could get my behaviors under control my career is a mess and I don't know how I could fix it. So the horror of this situation is that I've lost my wife due to my ADD, and I realize that we would have still been together and happy if I didn't have the ADD. I still love her, but she loved the man I should have been without the ADD. And I want to be that man - I hate how I have been a failure when I have so much talent and potential.

Sorry I have such a sad story to share. Any ideas on how I can come to terms with all this and move on without my wife are very welcome. For all of you spouses of ADDers, I want you to know that your ADD spouse wants to make you happy, but can't always do what they need to. If you can help them find ways to cope with their unhealthy behaviors you may be able to keep your marriage strong and vibrant. But don't become codependent with them. If ADD treatment along with your help and understanding is not enough to make you partner a good spouse, then don't stay in the marriage. I think anyone with ADD who comes to see how ADD can ruin a marriage would want you to move on and be happy.

Even if they will always miss you:(.

Hello,
So sorry to hear that news. Please don't give up on your wife. Is there anyway you can communicate to her about what you have learned. Ask her to give it another try. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I hope just maybe you both need some time apart. After that give it a try for six months or so?

I'm really glad to have read you post because I feel I'm on the other side of your story. I have a husband, who has yet to be diagnosed with ADD, but all the research I've done has me convinced that he has it. I'm at the point where if I didn't know about ADD, I'd be divorcing him now. I feel that as each year passes I become less 'in-love' with him. I love him, but I'm getting to the point I don't want to be with him anymore. It's been so hard for me to live with this man for 16 years and continue to go through these problems. (job/career changes, the lack of intamacy, the disorganzation of his life in general) And he just wont talk about it at all. So I'm almost at the end of my rope.

Your post could have been written by my husband (except he doesn't still love and miss his ex-wife) They spent 15 years together before she decided she'd had enough and his ADHD wasn't diagnosed until after the divorce. She too married the "potential" man instead of the man that was in front of her.

4 years ater his divorce he met me and we've been together 7 years with 2 beautiful children.

The point of my post is there is someone out there who is capable of understanding ADD and has the patience to deal with it in a spouse. While it hurts now, there is hope. You can find someone just as amazing and someone you want to please and someone who is patient with you and understanding. I fell in love with the man in front of me, not the one I *thought* he could become.

I was given this advice by a friend...

"Love is an unconditional committement to an imperfect person."

Stugglies, that was a really good post. After my divorce I met a wonderful woman who accepts me for all my quirks, wants to be with me and most importantly wants to LET me be me and doesn't try to change who I am.

I could deal with all the ADD behaviors, it's the constant unemployment and 'on the verge of loosing yet another job' that puts a strain on our marriage. If he can't hold a job, what is someone supposed to do? I don't want to change him, it's just that I cant be the sole supporter. It's too hard.

im also going thru a divorce. :(

Hello,
So sorry to hear that news. Please don't give up on your wife. Is there anyway you can communicate to her about what you have learned. Ask her to give it another try. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I hope just maybe you both need some time apart. After that give it a try for six months or so?

I'm really glad to have read you post because I feel I'm on the other side of your story. I have a husband, who has yet to be diagnosed with ADD, but all the research I've done has me convinced that he has it. I'm at the point where if I didn't know about ADD, I'd be divorcing him now. I feel that as each year passes I become less 'in-love' with him. I love him, but I'm getting to the point I don't want to be with him anymore. It's been so hard for me to live with this man for 16 years and continue to go through these problems. (job/career changes, the lack of intamacy, the disorganzation of his life in general) And he just wont talk about it at all. So I'm almost at the end of my rope.
I understand where you are coming from. My H has been only diagnosed 7 months ago but it really didn't change anything for him after the diagnosis. Actually I think it made things worse! We have been through a lot since the diagnosis and I must say that it helped me understand the last 23 yrs of my life and our relationship!! To the point of letting go of alot of the resentment I had built up over the years about some things I just couldn't understand. But now most of that I can accept, forgive, and live with.

I don't feel I have wanted him to "change" all these years, but I did and do want him to think about me and make me feel he does!!! This would be the same for anyone in a relationship ADD or not and is a "normal" problem in many marriages--needing help to communicate! I don't feel this is trying to change someone, just make their life and mine easier, less stressful. And getting him to learn to deal with his defensiveness.

I guess we all have a breaking point of what you just can't take anymore.In our relationship that seems to come and go so far but I don't think it is because I am trying to change him, just get him to talk!! and allow me to without him getting so defensive which stops me from talking about what is bothering me and then it starts to snowball for both of us!!

Everyone and every relationship is different and I think the non-ADDer has to understand their ADDers symptoms, which are so different from one to another, and what they can and cannot deal with. If there is too much that they absolutely cannot handle, then I would say it would be better for both (in the long run) to go their separate ways and meet someone that is "easier" to live with. That may be easier said than done though and you have to realize this especially if you have been together for such along time.

I am not saying to stay and be unhappy if this is how you truly see your entire life. It is easy to see all the negatives in a relationship when you are in a "down" part in your relationship. I guess you have to think about all the "ups". There has to be "ups" if you've stayed together for so long.

I think the Ups and Downs in a marriage with ADDers are just more frequent and more intense, than in "regular" marriages. Some can't handle that, which could be hard for the ADDer to understand because that is THEIR life and all they know.

I understand where you are coming from. My H has been only diagnosed 7 months ago but it really didn't change anything for him after the diagnosis. Actually I think it made things worse! We have been through a lot since the diagnosis and I must say that it helped me understand the last 23 yrs of my life and our relationship!! To the point of letting go of alot of the resentment I had built up over the years about some things I just couldn't understand. But now most of that I can accept, forgive, and live with.

I don't feel I have wanted him to "change" all these years, but I did and do want him to think about me and make me feel he does!!! This would be the same for anyone in a relationship ADD or not and is a "normal" problem in many marriages--needing help to communicate! I don't feel this is trying to change someone, just make their life and mine easier, less stressful. And getting him to learn to deal with his defensiveness.

I guess we all have a breaking point of what you just can't take anymore.In our relationship that seems to come and go so far but I don't think it is because I am trying to change him, just get him to talk!! and allow me to without him getting so defensive which stops me from talking about what is bothering me and then it starts to snowball for both of us!!

Everyone and every relationship is different and I think the non-ADDer has to understand their ADDers symptoms, which are so different from one to another, and what they can and cannot deal with. If there is too much that they absolutely cannot handle, then I would say it would be better for both (in the long run) to go their separate ways and meet someone that is "easier" to live with. That may be easier said than done though and you have to realize this especially if you have been together for such along time.

I am not saying to stay and be unhappy if this is how you truly see your entire life. It is easy to see all the negatives in a relationship when you are in a "down" part in your relationship. I guess you have to think about all the "ups". There has to be "ups" if you've stayed together for so long.

I think the Ups and Downs in a marriage with ADDers are just more frequent and more intense, than in "regular" marriages. Some can't handle that, which could be hard for the ADDer to understand because that is THEIR life and all they know.
I know EXACTLY what you are saying about the communication. I get the same thing from my husband. He's gets SO defensive and it does 'snowball'. It can get real ugly sometimes. My biggest thing is the job issue. he has so many problems at work. He's probably making half of what he should be, but because of all the job changes he's never been able to move up.

I know EXACTLY what you are saying about the communication. I get the same thing from my husband. He's gets SO defensive and it does 'snowball'. It can get real ugly sometimes. My biggest thing is the job issue. he has so many problems at work. He's probably making half of what he should be, but because of all the job changes he's never been able to move up.
That is too bad that he can't see this about the jobs. I am fortunate, my H is a great worker. It may be though, because after we had our first child, I couldn't find a good daycare/sitter so I said we will just have to make it on his income! Well, we did have a SMALL house paid for by that time so I knew we could do it. We went without ALOT!!! But we had all the essentials and also went on summer vacations (camping) every year!!Before that he was kind of like your H, going from job or career to another not really sure. I don't know if this really made him think or not, it was what he had to do. Is this your main complaint or issue with your H?

I hope you can find ways to help him with it so he can see the importance of it to you....Sorry I can't help you but I do understand.

My divorce was finalized on 12 December. BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!!!!!!!! WOOT! Only took two years to get it done. SHEESH!

My ex wasn't a bad person, but we were toxic as a couple and, quite frankly, we get along better now that we're divorced than we did when we were married.

Congratulations E-Boy....lmao

My partner is ADD and is divorced and he went through the same feelings and thoughts as you caliban2, he loved her and thought she was the best thing in the world, now not meaning to sound up myself, but then he met me. Now he says his happier than ever.
He has 2 children from the previous marriage and loves them more than life itself and would love to be with them everyday. But he is happier with me now, and says he wishes he met me first.
I guess what I'm trying to say is after time and healing there is still life after divorce.
Its heartbreaking and sad, but it will get better.
It does take both sides to make a relationship work.
I can truly understand your pain and heartache. *HUGS*
If you are meant to be together it will all work out, with effort from both sides.
I dont know if this will help you right now but my grandmother had a saying
" If you love someone let them go, If they come back they are yours, if they dont they never were."
I dont quite understand the last part. But I let my partner go 2 years ago and he came back and we worked really hard and now we are still together. With trying times, but still here.
Im not sure what the developments have been over the last month.
I really hope things are getting easier for you and working out for the best.
Give it time.

Hugs and Kisses

thank you all. found this right when I needed it.

as an ADDer who's OCD/GAD wife is pretty much fed up with me, I appreciate everyone's sharing in this thread. lots of good stuff...some hope, some reality...no matter what happens.

I'm trying to save it, and she's trying to figure out if she can open back up to the concept of us staying together. fingers crossed.

5+ yrs married. lots of other life stresses the past 18-24mo and I just got dx last year...was better for awhile, but I wasn't aware enough to see that I need more coaching or counseling to help me with my everyday life. the pills aren't the only answer. feel silly about being so naive about it, ignorant even.



thanks again,

Bret

I'm too late. she's not still trying to make whatever decision she needs to make, she's just reconciling it. :( I'm going to become a statistic.

I love her more than anything but I screwed it up...I didn't do what a caring husband is supposed to do.

anyone out there...please don't be me...catch yourself before it's too late.

I am so sorry....

Keep working on you.....and she may come around after she sees the changes....or she may not and then you will be brought someone fantastic who loves you for who you are....She does not. She has conditions on her love......


Hi everyone,

I'm sad to say that I am getting divorced. My wife and I were together 14 years, and she finally just could not stand my negative ADD traits any longer. The big problem for me is that I did not realize that I have ADD until after she left me! I was diagnosed one month after she left! ADD explained so many of my behaviors that drove her crazy, and which I could never seem to change no matter how hard I tried. She and I have talked about my having ADD, and she thinks that if we had known about it a few years ago we might have found a way to live with it and still be together, but she does not want to try again now.:(

So, my emotions are really conflicted right now. I still love my ex, and everything about her. She did so many things during our marriage to help me try to live up to my potential, and I could not have made it as far as I have without her help. And she is the nicest, brightest, most loving person I've ever met. I want her to be happy, and it is clear to me that my underacheiving lifestyle was making her life less than she wanted it to be. So I am glad in a way that she left me, because I don't think I could have ever gotten rid of my bad behaviors (procrastination, forgetfulness, unreliability, inability to be successful in my career, etc). But now that I know they were caused in large part by ADD and may be treatable - I want my wife back! We were so happy for so many years, and if I could just be the man she and I both thought I could be, then she and I could go on with our lives together.
But, it's not going to happen. Too much damage has been done to our relationship to repair, and my life is still in a shambles - I don't know if ADD treatment is going to be very sucsesfull in turning that around. Even if I could get my behaviors under control my career is a mess and I don't know how I could fix it. So the horror of this situation is that I've lost my wife due to my ADD, and I realize that we would have still been together and happy if I didn't have the ADD. I still love her, but she loved the man I should have been without the ADD. And I want to be that man - I hate how I have been a failure when I have so much talent and potential.

Sorry I have such a sad story to share. Any ideas on how I can come to terms with all this and move on without my wife are very welcome. For all of you spouses of ADDers, I want you to know that your ADD spouse wants to make you happy, but can't always do what they need to. If you can help them find ways to cope with their unhealthy behaviors you may be able to keep your marriage strong and vibrant. But don't become codependent with them. If ADD treatment along with your help and understanding is not enough to make you partner a good spouse, then don't stay in the marriage. I think anyone with ADD who comes to see how ADD can ruin a marriage would want you to move on and be happy.

Even if they will always miss you:(.