hi i'm lauralee and i'm new here. i have been dating someone with ADHD and we were absolutely perfect. we never fought and we were just awesome from day one. i really thought and still think that he could be the one for me. then randomly in our first disagreement type conversation he got super mad and just broke up with me. it was the strangest thing ever. he said he never wanted to talk to me again. then later we talked and he said that he felt pressure, even though i had never even realized that i had put pressure on him. i asked him why didn't he say how he was feeling but he had never communicated any of that with me. at first i thought maybe he was just committment phobebut now i'm starting to think it could be related to the ADHD.


now we talk and we'll have great conversations and then he will ignore me for days and then we will talk again and he will act like nothing happened. it's like he is two different people. i swear i thought he was bipolar. he gets so frustrated so easily at things that i don't understand and i feel like i am dealing with a child. two days ago we had a great talk and we decided that we would see each other in the new year and today i told him i would book a flight to see him (we are long distance) for the first weekend in january because he had just been ignoring me again and i just wanted to deal with everything. he got all freaked out and said that i was pressuring him and that he didn't want to talk to me again.

it's all so strange. he has the most insane mood swings and doesn't even seem to realize it. he gets frustrated so easily ands eems so full of himself, yet i know that he is insecure because of moments and things that he has shared with me. i am the only girl who he has ever been close to and ever cared about him like this. i love him so much and want us to work out but i am feeling drained emotionally and wondering what the hell to do.

i just found this site and realized i was not the only one and thought i could come here for some support and or advice.
thanks....

lauralee

Sounds like there may be more than ADD to this-- have you told him that you've been noticing his mood swings, and how it confuses you? Perhaps writing this in an email would be better because he could put his thoughts down on paper and give you a complete understanding of what's going on..... sometimes, when I'm having a conversation, I forget to mention half of what's in my head--it's just that there are so many thoughts in there, that I can't possibly get them all out in one sitting. However, for soemthing this important, it might help him to have the time to put his thoughts down in email.

Also, the ignoring you part COULD be part of ADD, but could also just be him. With ADD, many of us don't have the same sense of time as others, and it makes perfect sense to me to see someone, and then not talk to them for weeks, and then see them as if no time has passed--- actually, it just occured to me while writing this that it must be odd for some of my friends who see me come in and out as if nothing's happend--never actually thought of that before.

Anyways, hope taht helps-- I think there's more than ADD to this, but understanding ADD will at least help you communicate better and grasp as much as you can.

Best of luck :)

thanks...when you say more to ADD....what do you mean? like bipolar or something? i swear that's what i thought he had. i've dated people before who fell out of love or it just wasnt working, and this is SO not like that. i've also dated people who were just a-holes and this is not that either. i swear i think there is something going on with him, i just wish iknew what.

Hi Lauralee,

Welcome to the forum. Has your bf had an actual diagnosis from a doctor? Is he seeing a therapist? Is he on any medication?

From what you describe, it seems that his ADHD is affecting you relationship, but it does also sound like there is something else going on. Read some more of the coexisting conditions. There is lots of info there.

I'm sure someone will post some help for you.

All the best, and have patience.

hey..he said that he was diagnosed wtih ADHD as a child and the dr tried him on a couple of medications but nothing worked. since then he hasn't been on anything or been to see anyone from my knowledge. i don't think he even thinks this is a problem.

Welcome. You should know that most of the non-ADDers on this forum will tell you that when we first began a relationship with an ADDer, they "hyperfocused" on us, which is the most incredible thing -- you feel so special, so wanted and appreciate, so loved, so incredibly loved. And then it stops. Now, lots of us have continued the relationships, but it's usually never that same incredible bond. We get to know who they really are. I'm sure other stuff is going on, but just know that what I described is part of the process.

wow alagirl i found that post really informative.
he doesn't seem to be able to let go of me, nor does he seem to be able to "deal" with me. i love him and i want us to get back together and work, i really do. but what you're saying sounds so similar. i feel like i now am seeing who he truly is. and i still love him. i just feel like i'm parenting him all the time. like i don't want to frustrate him, or push him or pressure him or anything. it's all about him. it seems so selfish to me. i guess since i do want us to be together and get back together, i want to know what kind of advice you have for dealing with someone like this. i also think there could be some other issues going on...possibly bipolar or something, cause his behaviour is definitely not normal.

I'm no expert! But what I would say to anyone is first be sure you're holding onto yourself -- what you want in life, your needs, everything that's important to you, and not try to change yourself because of him. Think about those things that you want in a relationship and ask yourself: is he honest? does he make an effort to consider me? does he have a sense of humor? is he good enough with money so that won't always be a problem, do I feel loved and cherished -- or whatever your deal is. It's important that you know yourself well, and then also know who he really is -- because you cannot change him. We've all tried it and it doesn't work. He might take meds --- or not. He might get counseling -- or not. One important thing to remember is that his ADD will never go away. Meds don't cure it. So educate yourself as much as you can -- read Hallowell's books -- so you'll know what ADD really looks like.

After being with my guy for four years, various things trouble me. He doesn't like much about himself. Therefore it's almost impossible for him to admire me. I have to be sure I'm good with myself -- for instance think I'm a good writer, like the clothes I wear and the way I look, because for the most part, I'm not going to get that kind of support from him. I get it from friends, etc, but I also have a pretty strong core because of my wonderful parents.

We all know the "mother" thing and struggle with it. Just be careful. This is an important time for you; you're not too involved to get out. If you did, I'm sure it would hurt, but ask yourself if you can live with the downside for a lifetime. Lots of good luck in all your considerations.

HI Lauralee- You describe practically what I went thru (BF add recently diagnosed,Im a non addder). We were together for 1.5 yrs almost and he has left me. I suggest if there is any way you could reach out to him suggest some type of couples counselling? Or recognize what ADD is. I have read ADD & Romance -whihc I really lilked and have educated myself on it. But,as much as it hurts-and it REALLY does-you can't help him if he can't help himself-or want help.I wish you luck- I hope you can reach out to him. My bf and I did have moments of clarity-but at the time we didn't know it was ADD (and I'm not using it as an excuse) even though I think it really affected him,thus our relationship and now its over. DArn hard..