View Full Version : Terrible crying breakdown at 4am because of my job


Tinkerbell3
12-20-06, 04:37 PM
I am on my second Performance Improvement Plan at work....but I feel like they are just trying to get rid of me. For the past couple of days and on Friday they are having the 'team leader' check my work. Well shes sending back things that are really really stupid and minor and its making my anxiety spin out of control. I started as a temp in January of 2005 and permanently employed in April of 2005. Well I had talked to HR and my boss about what I have been going through a few months ago and telling them about what I have.

Last night/early this morning at 4am I woke up and just couldnt take it anymore because this will be my 3rd job getting fired from. I am so SO hard on myself beyond belief and what really stinks is that people can say the most positive thing and it still wont change how I feel. I felt bad because my parents were both sitting with me during my whole ordeal. I am ADHD/Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive. This was my last straw. Im TIRED of getting work sent back to me and it ****ES ME OFF... They should try looking at the work of other people in my department. I bet they would find a LOT wrong with theirs as well.

Its messed up that my boss, the team leader and the head of HR know what Im going through and have been really good about it, but this is happening and its happening in such a humiliating way. I have ANOTHER meeting tomorrow (had one yesterday with my boss and the 'team leader' and I took today off, my mom left a message at 4am this morning letting my boss know I wasnt coming in. I dont have any sick days left but I didnt care.) and its like everyone is thinking why am I meeting with them so much!? Im not allowed to ask anyone else questions but my boss, team leader or the boss in San Diego (Im in Boston). Psh yeah like I dont know what they are doing. Right in my PIP paperwork it says that Im only allowed to ask them questions and they will give my boss feedback. No I dont want to work in a place like this anymore, but it makes me mad that bonus comes at the end of January and its like they want to get rid of me before that.

My parents felt so helpless and even wanted to go to HR with me. Nobody knows what many of us on here feel like. Its really easy to point your finger and make me feel inferior, and embarass me by sending my work back to me because I didnt do something (VERY minor might I add). Enough is enough already....:mad:

We also have secret santa tomorrow and I really dont feel like participating. I dont want anything and I dont feel like going to buy anything. I dont feel like doing anything at ALL actually. Happy Holidays :(

sheneedstorest
12-27-08, 11:17 PM
I'm almost to the same point you are at. I cannot focus or complete all of my work in the time allotted. I am so scared that I will be on a PIP soon if I don't figure out a way to cope with inattentiveness. I actually have anxiety attacks over the my weekend thinking about going back to work and the possibility of someone noticing that I have not completed all of my tasks. I work alone all weekend and am not kept accountable. I'm fairly new at this position and I do not like the amount of independence I have because I need a lot of structure. I am thinking about having a meeting with my manager about the issues I'm having before it gets worse. I'm not on meds and trying to get back on them and I feel like something might happen at work before I can accomplish this. I didn't disclose my disabilities when I was hired and my vocational rehab counselor has advised me not to since I've been here over a year. I'm not sure what to do and I freak out all the time. Hope it helps to know you are not alone. Happy Holidays to you too!

vixthenomad
12-28-08, 09:33 AM
Wow, Tinkerbell, I really feel for you. The one thing I seem to have found works better than any other in getting along with bosses is lots of communication. You say that the poeple in charge know about the ADHD and other issues already, so the door is open for more discourse with them on the topic, it seems. Perhaps you could write to them explaining everything you've told us here, obviously re-worded for managerial acceptability? ;) Generally speaking if bosses are told exactly what's going on (you may need to be a bit persistent in getting their time and attention for this; hence why I like written communication, it's harder to ignore) and can see you making an effort to keep them in the know and to make your situation better, they seem to be much more forgiving.

There is a posh word for this behaviour: INITIATIVE. We ADHD folk seem to have a surplus of it which can sometimes lead to trouble, but I've found it has been the saving of my behind more than once or twice. I'm sure you're no different, which I imagine is part of why all this scrutinising of your every move is getting you down so much. Make it work for you if you can. And let us know how you get on!

Vix
xxx

Driver
12-28-08, 10:47 AM
Hello Tink,

I've read your post and not to sound insensitive, but I have to ask the seemingly obvious: why aren't you looking for a new job? It sounds to me that this workplace is not suited for you, so why not find one more ADD friendly? One with flex time and where they don't micro-manage you.

stef
12-28-08, 06:42 PM
"Performance Improvement Plan" ?
*shudders*
That sounds terrible. Just hearing that in a work setting would make me do a ton of additional mistakes. There really are happier jobs out there, I wish you both lots of patience to get through this junk & future happiness!

JollyBadger
12-28-08, 08:35 PM
"Performance Improvement Plan" ?
*shudders*
That sounds terrible. Just hearing that in a work setting would make me do a ton of additional mistakes. There really are happier jobs out there, I wish you both lots of patience to get through this junk & future happiness!

I agree. . .the "performance improvement plan" sounds so Orwellian. . .or maybe Corporate American. . .maybe they're one in the same?

Tinkerbell, my heart goes out to you. I was in almost the same situation as you with my last job. I completely lost my appetite and lost about 40lbs, mostly from stress. I became extremely depressed, to the point of just about giving up on EVERYTHING.

My supervisor seemed to take personal satisfaction in making extremely condescending remarks at my expense, in my presence, and openly discussed my "failings" with my co-worker. My co-worker was equally rude, even physically kicking at my feet or running into me with a supply cart as she was going by. My supervisor would nit-pick and willfully misinterpret things that I said or did as "disrespectful," then report it to HER supervisor. And there was nothing I could say or do.

Even though my supervisor told HR that she would "accommodate" my ADD (only after I informed HR of the diagnosis, made just this past August), that same supervisor continued making every day a nightmare for me and turned my "accommodations" into another project for ME to do. Long story short, she WANTED me out of there. Eventually, she got what she wanted. According to what she told HR, the "accommodations" she was making for me just weren't helping my performance. So, I lost my job.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find something that works better for you. . .that suits your skills, working style, interests, etc. Not every aspect of a job may be perfect for you, but there is no reason to stay in a job that is making you THAT miserable!

Best wishes!!

Imnapl
12-28-08, 11:31 PM
Hello Tink,

I've read your post and not to sound insensitive, but I have to ask the seemingly obvious: why aren't you looking for a new job? It sounds to me that this workplace is not suited for you, so why not find one more ADD friendly? One with flex time and where they don't micro-manage you.
She did. Here's a later post (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=516832&postcount=25).