Hi. I'm new to the forums, and have joined as I'm getting desperate within our marriage. I'm pretty sure my husband has ADD, he fits all the checklists etc. It's living with him that's the hard part. Inattention, poor listening, negative stuff, self focussed etc. I'm in the middle of working out where to go with our marriage, to be honest. Getting him to a doctor will be a first step, I know, and he's a workaholic too, so some help there would be good. I've mentioned that it would be good to get assessed, but he says he doesn't have a problem. He has a high pressure job which he loves and does well at, in his father's business. He plays well with our two boys, and does projects at home, very focussed on achieving. But I'm really struggling, feeling that whatever I do is criticised and that he abdicates anything he's not really interested in. I feel like I've done all the work till now - I'm on anti-depressants, have received years of counselling for depression etc, and marriage counselling failed as he wasn't interested. He seems to see the problem as me not coping, not his own involvement at all. Any advice you could offer? Desperate and unsure about the future.

It sounds like you're in a difficult position! It would seem that getting to a doctor would be best, but it sounds like he won't go.

There are a few things that might help. To help with inattention and poor listening, some people use a few key sentences. For example, if he comes home from work very wound up and talkative (his speech is pressured and very fast), one might say "I really want to hear what happend, can you slow down a bit?" It's almost like a subtle reminder without accussations or criticisms.

...have received years of counselling for depression etc, and marriage counselling failed as he wasn't interested.
The above quote indicates an important point, if your husband isn't motivated from within himself, most ideas won't work. Utimately, you can't force him to help himself. He needs to take the first step. However, you can control yourself.

Attempt to communicate the importance of his involvement. Attempt to help him see it from your perspective. Attempt to collaborate to find a possible solution. If he won't go to therapy, maybe he'll work through a self help book. Even an inch forward is better than standing still. Attempt to involve him in as much of the solution as possible. Start with brainstorming together...

Self-care is also important. I would hazzard to guess that it feels very draining to feel like the only one working toward a healthly marriage. Make sure you take time for yourself!

Man, that's tough. I hit the wall with my hubby, long story not necessary here; but I finally at about the 23 yr point just couldn't take it; he just wasn't investing in it. Going thru the motions, and not really giving his energy to the marriage; I couldn't live lke that anymore; and I really was ready to walk away; I mean, crushed, devastated, ripped apart... but not able to stay in the shallow relationship we were maintaining. And he did, finally, choose to reinvest; and it's been good. But I had to hit bottom; I had to mean it when I said, now or never, because I can't live like this anymore. That's what it took for us. And if your husband doesn't have it in him to rise to the occasion - if you do hit bottom like I did - well, that would be a different outcome.

If your bottom line is, you'll stick it out through anything, well, he's gonna know that and not change. And if it is your bottom line, well, you should know that too. It's not necessarily wrong or bad; there's no recipe for life that we get to follow.

But you have to find good things for yourself outside of the relationship; friends, work, hobbies, travel, sports.. something that sets your spirit free or on fire, whichever you seek. He may never rise to the occasion and you can't let that keep you from being your best, most whole self. God bless you, dear, and I hope you find your happiness.

Dont know if this will help much but we found out during breaking up that my last Girl friend had ADHD. After reading tons of stuff and also joining this forum for advice one major thing I realized was how big, "to her" the small stuff she did for me was. So in other words I felt I was doing tons more for the relationship and didnt think she was doing very much at all. I know better now and can look back and understand most of her actions.

Dont know if this will help much but we found out during breaking up that my last Girl friend had ADHD. After reading tons of stuff and also joining this forum for advice one major thing I realized was how big, "to her" the small stuff she did for me was. So in other words I felt I was doing tons more for the relationship and didnt think she was doing very much at all. I know better now and can look back and understand most of her actions.What do you mean the "small stuff" seemed big for her?

Perhaps because it might take quite a mental investment for a person with ADD to accomplish something for their partner, especially if it was tedious or complicated or took a long time to complete. Trying to focus on something long enough to complete it, before becoming distracted with another thought or task, or even just remembering to start it in the first place can be a challenge for many.

In my friend's case, he was always trying to send me some special cheese, but he never made it, because after he bought the cheese, he would forget it was intended for me, and eat some of it. Later when he remembered he wanted to send it to me, it was partially eaten and he had to go and get some more. Very frustrating for him indeed, it quite depressed him.

You and I might think it wasn't a big deal, but if you take another perspective, you can see how it might be almost impossible to complete without a project plan and an alarm clock.

Hi there,

I know what it is like to try and get your spouse to see that they could possible have some kind of "problem". I tried and tried to get my h to go to the dr, he doesn't even go if he is sick!! So I got him to take the on-line test to see what the results would be, and of course, he tested positive and thats when he went to the dr. It was still not really accepted by him and he didn't want to take meds but after 1 year of ups and downs (more downs) he is finally accepting it and WANTING to deal with it now.

I must add though, that my son was diagnosed first, so I had something else that "helped" him as it usually is inherited.

The website is www.amenclinic.com (http://www.amenclinic.com) and look for on-line tests.
good luck.