We can't take it anymore

Everything is falling apart and there is no hope that things will improve without proper treatment. My husband, so motivated and excited 6 months ago about his new job in England, is now seeing it all crumble in front of him and he can't improve things. He sits in his office unable to write his work, unable to organize his thoughts and even unable to make a phone call. He is in a leadership position and people had lots of hopes for him - now, they scrambling away disappointed with my husband's scattered mind and poor performance.

Our personal life is in shamble and the thought of caling it quits does not leave my mind. I find myself always leading and taking charge, always having to fix loose ends, and always having to watch my husband lock himself in his darkened office in frustration unable and/or refusing to do what he has to do.

In America he was having monthly psychiatric visits and taking Adderal. He all of a sudden fell he was able to work and that things began to work. He received a promotion and got the job he currently have. Having said that, even then, he would go through periods when he said the medicine was not working and would stop taking it in order to try other things. And then would go back to Adderal again.

Here in England, the psychatrist referred by his doctor basically told him that Adultd ADHD does not exist and that she could not care less that he was receiving treatment in the US precisely for that! She said my husband is depressed and that only children have ADHD. After all "if you really were ADHD, you would not be able to sit in your chair" :eek: My husband was baffled, but even more baffling was when we discovered that their belief is shared by most psychiatrists in the UK! He can't find a doctor who will prescribe him his much needed drugs and we all have to watch his career and life fall apart. We will of course have to go private, but we don't know who to call and how to find a psychiatrist who will prescribe him his medicine.

Yes, I remember how much better he felt when he took his drugs and admit that they are important. I just don't understand how come he would say the medicine was not working anymore every 5 months or so if it was really that helpful. Did it happen to any of you? I don't understand that.

Sorry for rambling - we are desperate :(

Well, if he is "depressed", perhaps he can ask to try wellbutrin. It may be marketed under another name in the UK, but the generic form will be buproprion

Me :D

About the "depression", I forgot to say:

The Doctor's opinion was that DH was just depressed and prescribed him pills. Even though we don't agree with the doctor about him being depressed, my husband, in desperationm did take those depression pills she prescribed. As he expected however, they DID NOT help, and even gave him awful side effects.

About my husband's "depression", that's the best comparision we have come up with:

It is like somebody losing a leg and then feeling sad and depressed about the fact he can't move on his own. He asks for the doctor to help him get a prostetic leg, but what does the doctor do instead? Give him depression pills to help him take care of his sadness! It does not help ANYTHING because he still CAN'T move about! It is the same with depression caused by ADHD. Of course my husband feels sad and frustrated about seeing his life falling apart because of his ADHD. However, giving him depression pills DOES NOT help with the cause of this whole mess! :(

I kind've understand what he is going though. I think there is a whole lot that make an ADDer want to get off medication and believe they can do it alone. The majority of the world doesn't think the illness even exists for one. Family members, co-workers and possibly even you may not want him to think the way he does.

It is possible the medication didn't work because he is just depressed or has other issues.

If he has ADD, He probably wishes he could think the way the majority of society thinks. Reality is differant though. I can only imagine how the imperial, royal UK must feel about someone being differant.

They are definately behind in the times by about 20 years if they think children are the only ones who have it. He probably needs the support of you to let him know that he is OK.

There is nothing wrong with him. He may think differantly, but there is organically and mentally nothing wrong with him if all he has is ADD. The co morbid, side effects are something else. I say this based on the books I've read about ADD.

You may want to read the book by Lynn Wiess, PH.D. "Attention Deficit Disorder In Adults, a differant way of thniking" and the Book by Thom Hartmann "ADD Success Stories" for encouragement.

Tell him you love him, if you indeed do. A job is not what makes us who we are. I believe our creator made us who we are and that should be respected.

He is probably feeling he is and has been failing his family, his company and himself. He may feel you can't respect him now either. He may be in the cave right now sorting things out. (The dark office)

My honest advice is to put your own personal needs aside for the time being. He is much more important than that. That will all return eventually if it is meant to. He doesn't need the added stress of you making him feel he is inadequet too.

You may want to do things that are enjoyably for the two of you. Like the old times.

I was married and lost (laidoff) my job and began to feel very stressed by the whole failure thing. I got 3 jobs doing anything I could to keep it all together. Have you ever Cleaned carpets, delivered pizza, worked retail all at once because your life style was based on that of a mechanical engineer? I did and one day I came home to a Dear John letter. I lost it all.

At least I thought I did. I found it wasn't what I did, where I lived, how much I made that truly made me who I am. I am great with out those things too. They are all just temporary anyway. It's a hard way to find your true self.

He sounds very sad and needs support. Find a doctor here in the states that knows an up to date doctor there in the UK. Call CHADD.

Hang in there. A lofty job is not everything if it is torture on you and the family.

Thank you!

God knows how much I needed to hear that!

Thank you!

I admit it: I am not the best wife to somebody like my husband. I feel so bad for not understanding what is going on. I should know better... I should not feel like he is doing it on purpose. The temptation to think "why doesn't he just go ahead and do it already" is too big! Also, the fact he would just stop taking his meds: I had never understood that and my husband was not able to explain. I sometimes assumed, cold heartedly I admit, that he just wanted to play the victim. Believe me, I am not a mean person and I love my husband. It is just that after 10 years it does become hard. I guess that only people who go through (as ADHD person and the spouse of one) what we do understand these feelings

I wanted to hear from people like you - who have been in my husband's shoes (Of course, I would also like to hear from spouses who have been on mine, if there is somebody out there).

The job in itself is not the torture, but the fact he feels unable to perform to his full potential is. He is doing a job where HE chooses his hours, he chooses what he will and it is very flexible. It is his dream job and supposedly, the ideal job to somebody like himself as it is so flexible, accomodating and uses the best of his creativity and talents. That's why, even if badly, he has been able to do it. If he loses it, he will be forced to find work which will create pressure he can't work under (he tried so many of those).

We have joined every ADHD group based in the UK I could find and can't find specific help unfortunately. I will try again. Yes, the imperial/royal attitude of doctors here is enauseating. They basically mock any and every work done by psychiatrists in America and will deny the success accomplished.

I can't express how your words have helped me. They gave me a much needed boos to keep going. I wish my husband would tell me as eloquently about what he is going through - it would help me know what to do. He is a member here too and I will ask him to read your post. I will look into the books suggested too. We bought the "Da vinci" ADHD book but HATED it! There were a few good points here and there, but it was overall a very bad book IMO.

Anyways, sorry for rambling again. It is late here and I need to go to sleep.